Shocker of my Life - Need to make him realize what he is missing!!

Priyaram170 · Apr 21, 2015

Hello All,

Writing something after really long time, which definetly needs your precious time and suggestion.

So, getting straight to the point, i have a brother (mother's elder sister's son) very close to me emotionally and knows every bit of what's happening in my life. 2010 he got married to a very sweet by heart and tremendously sensitive girl now they have a 2 year old daughter.

He is a very lively, supportive, and nice guy atleast to us ( we are 3 sisters & 4 brothers for the whole family, he is the eldest brother.) @ the begining i think things were set & normal between my brother and his wife. After a few months i started seeing this lady my SIL, being very low and sad. Many a times i gathered some strength and ask her whats wrong and tried to talk never she opened up.

After sometime, i gotto know sometimes i have witnessed my brother being very rude to that extra sensitive girl. I have never seen him like that before, he has never talked to us i,e we 3 sisters. I got a slightest hint that she isnt happy.

Recently he went to US for around 3 months and i just called her to talk generally and to know if she is fine. She was sounding very low, that day we talked a lott about families, mine, hers, my in laws, her in laws (i,e my doddamma), about women working, being independent, my husband and hers.

That was a shock of my life, what i was knowing about my brother. He never tells her anything about the house they bought recently, about his salary. And never considers her for any decision making, he scolds her infornt of the whole family. Gets angry for small things sometimes unnecessary like

"Once their house owner came home and shouted at my SIL when no one was there for some unneccessary things. She was upset and as my brother and my doddamma came home she cried and told that the owner came and shouted at her and she cant take this u look after some other house we will change to some other house. So my brother was angry at her because she was screeming at home infront of his mom. He told if u cannot stay then u can leave but u shd not raise your voice infront of my mother. SO my aunt scolded him and next travelled to her hometown thinking if she is there they might not make up. But he was angry and dint talk to her for a month at that time she was 3 .5 months pregnant finally when she asked him what she shd do to talk to him, he said "You should ask my mother sorry by falling on her feet" . "

This is very shocking to me i am unable to digest this, how can he be so unkind to her.

When ever i have a slightest issue @ my home , he calls me 100 times to find out if things are settled but now i can relate few instances like wen i had problems with my MIL or my DH his stand will always be never talk back, adjust. So i can understand his attitude now, i also realize he never takes his wife and kids out even in holidays he keeps roaming out and she says now she should never be asking where is he going at any point of time otherwise he will be angry and doesn't atlk to her or will be very rude to her. How silly is that!!!

She is a housewife, got married at a very young age probably 22, had a kid at 25 inspite of all these mess. When i spoke to her few days back she said after the kid he is better to handle. I know sometimes some ppl take time but my worry it should not be very late for him. I want him to know intentionally or unintentionally or immaturely how much he has hurt her.

I want her to be happy and deserves all the love, care & attention from my brother. I dont know what is his problem i want to know and make him realize what life can be if he changes himself a little bit. I cannot speak to him directly about this, i am 200 % sure would cause more damage. I know my SIL will never do anything because she is just scared of him. She told me i hardly speak to him, i will just reply when he asks me something. She has given up her hope.

I really want to help her, infact make my brother realize what is he actually missing in his life. But if i talk to him directly, & gets to know that she has told me these things I am scared what their relationship mighth turn into.
Please advise me what can I do for things to be better between them.

tarasharma · Apr 21, 2015

@priyaram170

I would suggest you to not get actively involved. You can provide support and guidance to your SIL. It is better you let the couple deal with it themselves. Your SIL has to stand up for herself and her child. Your mother's elder sister can also take matter in her hands. However, if you get involved you will

a) spoil relationship with your brother
b) your SIL may not be allowed to speak with you.

hrastro · Apr 21, 2015

Dont talk to your brother directly !

Tell him to take her out on special days - maybe book some tickets for them as a gift or offer to babysit if possible (or arrange a suitable place) ! If your doddamma (her mil) is ok then - let her ask her son for outings/gifts for his wife !

You could tell your brother a made-up story about a friend/yourself/sister - being disrespected by her/your DH - and how hurting it is - and ask him if he could suggest something !!! Dont tell him the exact situations as his wife said - change the situations, else he will get suspicious!

Address him in front of her - Tell him good things about your sis-in-law in front of her - give her compliments on her looks/cooking/hardwork/intelligence/creativity etc... take up a different characteristic every time !!! And tell him - annayya you are so lucky to have her as your wife!

This compliment should be taken up by her later - and she should speak up for herself - see, your sis sees and mentions good things about me, I would like you also to compliment me !

Once she can stand up for herself and feels confident, the relationship will change automatically