Advice please :(

neelpoonam · Mar 4, 2015

A background : I am a product of a dysfunctional family...my parents didnt get along well and didnt divorce and preferred to yell at each other everyday making our (me and my older sister) life miserable. My mom is a very strong willed dominating woman and my dad was a weak man. My dad took to alcohol and finally passed away few years back. My sister fell in love with a man of different religion and got married without my parents consent. So the onus of taking care of my drunk father and an irritable mom fell on me. I finally married to escape from my parental home ..a guy of my parents choice..and am somewhat happy with my husband and kids. Inspite of my parents selfish behaviour during my growing up days, I did have a reasonably good relationship with them individually...although both did accuse me of taking sides.

Anyway, the current problem. I have been living abroad and few years back my husband lost his job and we moved back to India. My inlaws categorically told us that they cannot put us up with them and my mom offered to take us in while my husband moved back abroad to look for job. From the time me and my kids moved in with my mom, she changed. She started yelling at me and my kids for every little thing, and kept saying that she was doing us a favour by having us with her. We were not allowed to watch "her" Tv, shouldnt drink cold water from fridge etc etc...some strange rules which she didnt have even when i was growing up. Everything I did or the kids did was under constant scrutiny and we had a miserable time so much so that my kids asked me if she was really my mom and not my step mom. I took care of all the household expenses and her medical expenses from my savings and waited for my husband to get a job and call me back. I didnt share my troubles with my mother to my husband because I felt she was after all my mother. Finally he got a job and after one year of misery, moved back with him. My kids told my husband everything that happened in India with my mom. Inspite of all this, I do call her up almost everyday to check if she is ok and talk to her. Now my mom keeps saying that since she is alone and old, I should come back to India and live with her. She says my husband can cope alone and that I should be a support to her in her old age. My husband refuses to send me back there after listening to my kids but I feel sorry for my mom and want to atleast go and stay with her for few months in a year...and yet I also feel scared that history will repeat itself and she will make my life miserable again. She is piling guilt on me and I am torn.

What should I do?

hope2b · Mar 4, 2015

You do love your mom and that's a good thing despite all your history. Currently you are a mom and most moms can never get time to vacation. I suggest that you stress that to your mom, about your responsibilities. Its tough as she is single, but, its not right what she is asking you to do. You can offer her choices of you visiting frequently and she visiting you, financial help etc. She is in a vulnerable state but that doesn't mean she is right. I mean, you cannot be living with her leaving your H. Try finding something's she likes, like traveling to devotional places, etc.

pear · Mar 4, 2015

People living alone hate sharing thier toilets,tv remote,snacks,and thier space.She may be happy to share her space for a short period,but would hate it in the long run.That is one reason she behaved badly to you and now misses you.She may be irritated to find empty/luke warm bottles when she was searching for cold water which could have made her be hard on you all.The way they like to treat thier belongings is also would be fussy.Lack of the ability to adjust with others gives them devilish image particularly with small kids .

The emotional pressure she gives you is totally unfair and unpractical.Try not to call her everyday ,may be spacing your calls could make her reasonable.Everyone has thier life to lead even if your mom wants you to come there ,it would end up with the same trouble.So relax you cant do anything for some people.

My personal experience --they beg you toture you to come for a visit and after 5 days they would be like when you are leaving mode.Its not some thing to do with her relationship with your dad ,its more to do with living alone for a long time.

guesshoo · Mar 5, 2015

There is no-sugar coating it, my dear. Your mother sounds like an abuser. She has verbally and emotionally abused you all along; now she doesn't have a punching bag, she wants to disrupt your family. You are not going to be able to change your mother. I am glad that your marital life is loads better than your FOO.

All along, guilt tripping you has produced results and this is why your mother is doing it again. After all the abuse she has heaped on you and your children (due to your conditioning you have put up with it) it is big-hearted of you to even ring her up everyday.

It is imperative that your children have as little contact with her as possible. You must remember that your duty now is only towards your children. If your mother is throwing a hissy fit, I suggest you ignore it.

I think you will greatly benefit from some counselling to get over your feelings of guilt and live your own life. More over, it will help you ensure that you overcome the shackles of your conditioning and ensure that you provide a stable environment for your children at all times. And I cannot overemphasise the importance of doing that.

I hope you find your peace soon.

MaliniHari · Mar 8, 2015

I feel your mom wants your comfort now, but once things get closer she does not want to give up her lifestyle and accommodate one more in her house.

I appreciate you calling her. Do not move in with her. But you can make phone calls and can spend your vacations with her. I do feel sorry for you! Either your mom is really depressed or she needs temporary comfort.

Is there anyway can you call your old sister and ask her to take care of your mom? Also, I believe you speaking to your mom about your old experience with her and that is why you hesitate can be a good medicine to solve the situation here. Try it please.

If she not comfy sharing home with you, she can very well get a maid.

CoolPie · Mar 15, 2015

I am happy to read that you still feel bad for your mom and want to take her in your custody, who has a sort of abused you when you were under her roof. Hats off to you....

But never make that wrong choice of moving in with her. May be, as a few others have said, you can spend vacations with her, or call her to your place for some time and take care of her. Now your primary duty is to concentrate on the kids. If not, you might even have to repent later, who knows.

Its good that you call her everyday and talk, take care of her well being from a distance for now. You can take her in with you definitely when she cannot do things on her own. I feel that would be the right time for you to be with your mom. And that would be mostly applicable in your place only i guess as your kids might be studying. Till then spend your vacations with her.

You can also ask her to stay in your place as long as she wishes. Dont bother about the guilt that comes to build up in you since you are away from her. You need to ignore it and stay strong....

But never leave her alone when she cannot take care of herself in future.

songbird46 · May 14, 2015

I cannot believe I'm posting this link again today. It's so sad. I've been there. You need to take a step back, breathe, maybe see a therapist. Your children have gone through a lot too. Talk it out with them. Don't let them think you condone this abuse. Your husband is trying to protect you. Take care of yourself. Make remote arrangements for your mother be looked after - retirement community etc.
All the best.
Abusive parents: What do grown children owe the mothers and fathers who made their childhood a living hell?

butterflyice · May 14, 2015

@neelpoonam, Welcome to IL!

So sorry to hear about your childhood. Its indeed heartening to know you still have a space for your mom in your heart.

I tend to agree with @pear regarding your mom's behaviour with you when you lived at her place with your kids. I think she needs help, she is alone and miserable. However its not right on her part to ask you live away from your DH. Stay with your family and visit her when you can.

You probably know this already, just wanted to add that most parents do what they think is right for their kids. Most do not abuse kids wantonly. Usually they do not even see it as abuse. I do not know what problems - mental/emotional your mom had/has, in that perspective she probably needs help from a pyschiatrist. Such people do not have a handle on life and need help.