How to forget and move on.

tarasharma · Jan 28, 2015

Hi

I usually read a lot of threads in IL but don't post much. Most often, I find myself tongue tied and unable to match the wit of posters here. My problem needs some background. My father is the eldest of 5 brothers and one sister. As always happens in joint families, my paternal grand mother was defendant on my father for supporting his younger brothers and sister.

My father started earning when he was barely 20. He gave money for brother's education, marriage, business so on and so forth. My mother also had her own share of struggles. My father built a house in his father's name so that his brothers would not feel left out. Later my mother forced him to get another plot of land for his own use. I still remember the fights my parents use to have. My father could not hear a word against his family. Anyway my dad later sold that plot. Then, one of my dad's brother intervened and asked my dad to get a plot in my mother's name. Needless to say that is the plot of land on which my parents have today built their home.,Around 10 years back there was a huge fight where my dad's brothers wanted the earlier house which my dad had built. As usual he did not argue and gave it to them at some nominal value. ( As the house was in my grandfather's name, it was divided into 6 equal portions.. one for each brother).

My dad only started saving after I was born. When I was doing my engineering, I stayed alone with my dad's brother's family. My grandparents were also alive then. My dad was then based in the middle east. Then was the first time I saw firsthand how money minded people can be. Those 4 years have left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Today everyone is settled and no one talks to anyone much. My dad now says let them be happy in their home and we will be happy in ours. I somehow am not able to tolerate this. I feel my dad was used ( with his permission). All this has also somewhat affected my relationship with my father. I get angry at him for very small small things. My dad keeps saying forget it... come out of it... I am sorry, I should not have left you with them alone. Somehow I do not know what to do. To be very frank I want some sort of revenge from my dad's brothers. But then I also know this is not correct and my parents have only themselves to blame. They let themselves be used... Still I am not able to shake out this feeling. It still hurts after 9 years. I would really like to mend my relationship with my father. I want to forget all this. Somehow I am not able to.

I am sorry for the long post. This is the first time I have written this and I guess I got carried away.

Twinkel · Jan 28, 2015

:hugs: @tarasharma .. incidents which hurt us and make us feel heavy are common in everyone's lives. Let them go because holding on to them will only ruin your peace and punch your normal life, nothing more. Look at it in a way that makes you feel how great is your dad to dedicate his life to social service. Do not hold bitter feelings and hold grudges against things that are beyond your control. That would eat up major chunk of your life. By now, your dad might have learnt his lessons and keep his eyes wide open for whats practical and whats not. Just think you gave away part of your property as charity and look at them as someone who gained from the charity. Nothing more. No property is worth more than your peace. Be happy from within.

tarasharma · Jan 28, 2015

Hi @Twinkel

You are very right. I need to look at all this in a positive light. I do try but then after some time I still revert. It still hurts as my Dad still cannot hear a word against his family. But then again, that is his nature. I have to accept it and move on. Trying to be calm. My Dad and I are best when we talk on the phone. If I stay at my parent's place, we fight in an hour. notdonesmiley

HasteRaho · Jan 28, 2015

Wow OP, reading your post reminded me of my dad who like yours, is incredibly selfless to a fault and dutiful towards his 4 younger brothers (especially since he was the one that worked hard and was the most economically successful) — and like your dad, could not refuse nor could he hear a single word against it. This led to a very turbulent marriage for my parents, unfortunately, and because of how my dad reacted to my mom telling him this combined with him knowingly doing these things, I too had my rough patches with him.

But what helped me get over some of those feelings I had against him in the past was when the thought of losing him came to the forefront...this happened when I was working on a project where I was engaging with a lot of elderly folks and it especially heightened when we lost my maternal grandma, then my paternal grandma (after which my dad became very depressed, lost too much weight and seeing him become so frail just...changed everything for me...and thanks to my mom — he's improved only recently after 2 years of this)...it made me realize that we never know how long we have our with our parents or loved ones. No one loves you the way your parents will and nothing is worth you looking back on it someday only to blame yourself and regret that you let those feelings stop you from showing how much you love him.

tarasharma · Jan 28, 2015

Hi @HasteRaho

Thanks for taking the time to post. Yes, what you say is very right. Even my mother once remarked. You should let it all go. We do not know how much time we have left. Nowadays if I utter any remark indirectly meant to him, he just remains silent. I really feel bad about it later and then go and say sorry. My dad once said.. "You are not really sorry. You just say it because you feel bad. Tomorrow you will again say something. Try to let it all go. There is no point worrying over spilt milk". I have to remember all this and try to just take it one day at a time. My temper gets the better of me and I just flare up and take each and every topic there. My bad. Totally....

VaniVyas · Jan 28, 2015

Dear OP@tarasharma, I can very very well connect to your incident and felt that I was reading a post from my own family. My case is almost 60-70% very much similar to yours. I am not in talking terms with any of my father’s relatives. Even if I see his call log and find him talking to his brother or sister I feel offended and angry towards him.
I have also gone my graduation staying with my father’s brother and still today I tell my father that unless and until u stay with them u can’t know their real color. My father somehow does not seem to give importance to these things and is always supporting them financially. I just hate this and as u said, we get into argument soon.
Of light, I started telling myself that I have issues with his relatives and not with my father. I have also realized that if I start reacting against my father then it is his relatives who will win the show. So this is my idea of revenge towards them. I want to live happily with my parents and show them a lesson. I want to teach them that this is the way we can live a happy life and your money minded nature can never give you happiness. Unless and until people learn to let go their ego and start living a life considering others happiness too, they will never have a place in my heart for sure even if it will never happen J
Be happy yaar, after all the best way to slap them is to show that u are happy since your family was not money minded like them. Chill dear OP, hugs to you sister…

SGBV · Jan 28, 2015

Not a new story... It happens. The fault is not theirs, but your fathers. He failed to balance the relationship. Feared of losing his FOO more of losing his own immediate family; thus bent over backward for their demands then.

This usually happens this way :- The elder ones (usually males) are treated like superiors (like second parent) at their home since childhood. Then they are expected to act like one after their adulthood. Their ego builds in such a way that they are responsible for their family thus they have a say there.

To maintain that control or power, they go out of line to support their family. Thus they believe they can continue to pull the strings no matter what - Control.

The younger ones are usually petted at home. They live a carefree life at the cost of the elder ones. When needed, they tactfully boost their elder ones ego to get benefited from them. It is like pretending to be vulnerable before them, thus the elder ones would volunteer to assist (Because elder ones are made to believe that they are responsible for their siblings) - Again control.

You see, without extending financial and physical assistance to his FOO, your father can't maintain this 'I am the elder one, your second parent' sort of power there...

The power is not usually physical power to abuse them, but to boost his own ego as if he is loved and respected somewhat more than his other siblings.

In this process, usually the elder ones take their immediate family for granted.

Your father knew what he was doing is not fair on his immediate family.
He was repeatedly reminded of this by his wife( your mom) and others
But he choose to side by his FOO. So, fault is obviously his. Because he wasn't a kid then.

Your father's brothers took him for granted. He allowed them
Your father took you all for granted. You allowed him

Both your father and your family (mom/you/siblings) allowed yourself to be used by your most loving souls because of your insecurity and inability of losing them.

Why revenge? The best revenge is to show your father that you never needed him in the past; thus he too can not expect you'll in his future. He can revenge on his brothers if he choose to do so.

Sorry to be blunt, but please have my hugs

yellowmango · Jan 28, 2015

Dear Op...There is not much you can do. That is our culture.One child is sacrificed so the other children can have a better life.The 'sacrificing' parents hand over their responsibilities on this sacrificial child.The wife and children of this person always suffer. Probably the better thing to do would be to not let this sacrificial child to ever marry.But the parents need to be served and taken care of by this sacrificial child's wife...hence the problem.

I have seen it ,you have seen it and so have so many others.There is not much you can do except put a stop to it in future.That is your revenge. You take your lessons and make sure no one takes advantage of you.Also make sure each one of your child remains your child and not a surrogate parent for a younger child.If the parents can't take care of children...they shouldn't have them . There is nothing 'cultured' about being irresponsible and being unfair to a child......even if it comes wrapped in the form of family values and sanskar.

SGBV · Jan 28, 2015

The best reference is my own in laws and their forefathers.

My FIL was the eldest son; thus he took very good care of his food till her turn 60 (and eventually retired). He did everything at the cost of sacrificing a reasonable life of his wife and children. He made his wife to beg at his own brother's place, so that she and her kids can have a life. FIL never realized that it was wrong. Because he was always treated as a special person with lots of love and respect by his FOO. Specially their respect (and of course the sugar coated words) was not something same for his other biological siblings.

My husband, being a elder son in his family sees this respect only. Perhaps, it is what needed to boost his ego. Instead of realizing their broken dysfunctional family, he was made to believe that it is an elder son's responsibility to be there for his family till his last breath; thus he will be more respected like a God.
He too thought, his wife's brothers are responsible for his own wife and kids. To top it up, my husband stated that our elder son (who is barely 1 yr then) will be responsible for the entire family in his future; thus everyone would respect him so much. This is their belief system. Hard to break.

Thankfully, I was able to break this chain because I wasn't insecure about my life. The bitter treatment from my side made my husband realize this the hard way.