Bro's wife issue . please suggest

You cannot buy love with money or gifts. It can be even humiliating to receive expensive stuff from your richer relatives and cause resentment.

Hard to comment on the division of house work. Is she working, is your mother healthy, how much is your brother and father doing?

 

yes this is a very good point. Your intentions/heart may be in the right place but from now on look at it from opp point of view and give only what they can easily reciprocate. this is esp true for siblings. There can be jealousy or resentment instead of the goodwill or gratitude one would have expected. So see what they give you. Siblings are equals so keep the relation on equal footing. if they give a sari you give a sari. if they give nothing you also dont give anything. Esp if the giver is an nri -- I have seen ppl just discount their gift totally like 'oh they must earning in crores that is why they r giving in lakhs' type of thing. Even if you tell otherwise, the details of how much u earn and all, they just assume you have so much you are giving the rest away, I dont know why. Some people find it simply impossible to believe that you could/would have given out of the goodness of your heart. It must be/has to be some other (selfish) reason instead.

OP, I think your generosity has been misunderstood by your bros family. Try to do something for your parents if you can. or call them for a visit.

 

Hi OP,

I can understand your problem. Stop sending too much of money to ur brother and SIL.
Hire one fulltime maid to cook and help your mother and send the maid's salary from here to your father's account every month .only salary and any other medical expense for your parents.

They need rest in the old age and dont care about your SIL. you can maintain hi,bye relationship with her. on the otherhand, your brother is grown up and dont interrupt on husband -wife issue.

 

Don't give them so much money and gifts. It appears that they are taking you for granted. Many people think that those working abroad have it easy. Stop expecting others to behave in a certain manner.
What you can do is to make your parents' life easier. Make sure they have the household help and medical support they need: maid, cook etc so that they can relax without depending on your SIL.

 

You need to have a discussion with your brother. Your parents have now entered a phase where your (you and your brother) is needed. Agree of how you can make their life easier. Be it household help, your brother moving out, your brother taking more responsibility. You are living far away so your contribution will more financially, your brothers again more hands on. Your SIL is irrelevant in this picture, she has no obligation towards your parents. It is then up to your brother what they agree among themselves.

 

I agree with some others that you should take the focus off SIL and see how you can make parents' lives easier. If you say "Oh, why is she not doing any chores, my poor parents," etc., it will be viewed as the horrible sister in law talk. Moreover, your bro and SIL will say that you are far away; they are the ones who will be there for your parents in the case of emergencies.

I like the suggestion about arranging for a maid/cook with you bearing the cost. How is your brother's attitude overall towards your parents? Forget his not asking SIL to help mom, but is he nice to parents? In that case, you should just discuss with him about parents getting more rest. Do not spoil your relationship with him by bringing up the SIL topic.

It is always better to go easy on gift-giving when you are yet to know the receiver completely. It is not just about the money; it leaves a feeling of resentment if the receiver does not reciprocate the emotions. Perhaps if you had waited to observe her attitude a bit more before giving gifts, you might not have expected as much from her when you visit India.

>> Now, all I expect them is to love me. My SIL should say "Oh Didi , you have come to India after 2 years. please don't do any work during your vacation. I will serve you good food. "
- Please do not have such expectations as she is not obligated to serve you. Also, take a few steps back with gift-giving and caring as it will only hurt you more.

 

Gift comforts to your parents ...not to brother and sil .If you want to gift...gift something for the home so that everyone can use it.....

You could send money to your dad's account and tell him to specifically use it to keep help for mom.

Don't expect your sil to serve you. Don't look at the small details in specific(sil)...but look at the bigger picture(all of them together).If your sil doesn't help...then encourage brother a father to help out. If sil's conduct is not right...your brother will deal with her.He is also your parents child...and hence he also feels for them.

And please don't be the sister who calls her brother "Jorru ka gulam" just because he is smitten by his wife. A man and woman are supposed to be smitten with each other atleast during early marriage.It is sweet....don't spoil it by your sisterly tadka.Being a jooru ka gulam is better than behan ka gulam.

Looks like your parents are ok with their dil. Don't interfere.

 

OP, as far as the gifts are concerned, did your SIL and brother asked you for them or did you give them out of your own accord? In the latter case, they probably don't even want those gifts. Honestly, I find your attitude a little off-putting too. If any person has to keep track of their gifts, then it is probably better to stop giving gifts.