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A dose of their own medicine?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by rinapt, Dec 26, 2014.

  1. rinapt

    rinapt New IL'ite

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    Dear IL Friends,

    Before beginning my thread, I would like to express my thanks for all suggestions I have got in my past.

    I am again at a point in life where I need your opinions again. I am in the US and my siblings and parents are in india. I have never had a very good relationship with my parents. Most of it soured after marriage. They sort of forced me into the marriage and turned their backs on me when I was suffering in the marriage. You can check my other threads to see what kind of a creep they have got me married into. They married me at a time when I was too young , not mentally strong enough to defy them. After marriage, my mother deliberately set the stage to sour my relationship with my in-laws and it was all in all a horrible married life.

    Now, things have so turned that I have patched up my relation with in-laws and reached an amicable solution with my husband. Married life is not the best but it is ok. Back in India, because of my parents distrustful deceiving nature, my uncles, aunts and all have outcasted them from the family. It's like whatever my mother tried to put in my plate, has come down in her plate.

    My siblings wedding is fixed and my parents are forcing me to come to India. I am unable to move on from the past bitter memories I have had with them and pretend all happy in my siblings marriage. Even now my parents carry an indifferent attitude towards me and think they are right in doing so to me. They care only about themselves and not about me.

    Now that my parents have been outcasted by my uncles,aunts, Should I leave all the past differences and be there for my parents or am I better off being away from them?
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You have your own life now. No one can force you to do anything. You have to decide what is best for you.
    If you can cope with seeing your family, go to the wedding and attend it as a guest. But if it is creating stress for you the best option is to safeguard your peace of mind.
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I went through your other posts. You need to consistently state you will be unable to come. Do not give a reason or engage with them in any manner with respect to this. State you are not able to come but you wish them the best. Keep repeating this over and over again.
     
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  4. rinapt

    rinapt New IL'ite

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    Here is an update. I did decide to go to my sibling's wedding in Jan. it was overall a good experience with all the festive feeling. But all is not well between me and my parents. I had gone to india with a sincere intent to repair my relations with my parents. some how all my efforts were in vein. We are three siblings - older brother who is married and has a child, I am the middle one and it was my younger sister's wedding a month ago.

    when I went to India I took a lot of gifts for my sister, brother, mother, father. I have a very good relation with my brothers wife , my SIL.

    I gifted my my sister a rupee 49k necklace for her wedding and my brother to gifted her a necklace. My sister and my mother didn't even look at it properly. My mother wanted me and my brother to gift the groom a luxury car and they felt we were getting away with a small necklace. I didn't feel the need to pamper the groom with so much dowry, so I refused to contribute and my brother too refused. Not that I love my sister less but my finances are a bit tight and my son has some health issues. My medical insurance covers barely for my son's health expenses. My mom was very upset that I didn't gift my sister a car for her wedding.

    During the wedding, my mother was running low on cash, the beautician was asking to get paid. Beautician charges were rupee 20k. So my mother came and asked if had handy cash available in my purse and she'll pay me back later, I said yes. I had withdrawn some cash to pay to he jeweller for my sisters necklace. I gave the same cash to my mom to pay the beautician. My mom was fuming to see so much cash with me in my purse. The next day she was taunting me in front of all relatives that I got around with bundles of 500 rupee notes in my purse. She said in a very angry/ jealous tone.


    Also, I got to know that my parents have given a flat 3 bedroom (rupee 60 lac worth) to my sister in bangalore. They had not gifted me anything for my wedding. What ever jewelry they had pretended to gift for my wedding, they have given them my SIL. I had trusted my jewelry under my mom's custody and she siphoned it off to my SIL. My SIL is not aware that those belonged to me and I chose to stay quiet as relations are more important than gold and money. It would have been a huge scene had I chosen to argue over that.

    As mentioned earlier, my son has some health issues and my mother was dubbing as though he is mental in front of all relatives. My really is a very smart, stable sensitive kid. They were dubbing his issues to be more severe than they actually are. They advised me to take him to a mental hospital. Some what they were feeding off my son's pain.

    I work here in the US and some how my mother is unable to take it in. So she kept praising other relatives children who have done MS and are working in US. She was doing it so deliberately that anyone could figure that she wanted to put me down.


    my dad's family has outlasted them for their behavior. My mother feels I am party to all my uncles and aunts who have given so much pain to my parents. She has no single evidence to prove this but she feels so.

    somehow I did not feel I belonged there. Now it's been two weeks since I came back to US and no one has bothered to call me. I tried calling my sister and she cut my phone twice and never returned the call. During the wedding my sister was bossing me around to bring lunch, snacks to her room. I stayed up two nights only to help around with the wedding and now she has no time to answer my phone call. I am out of my wits as to how to mend this relationship.
     
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  5. chocogal26

    chocogal26 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear rinapt....Live your life....concentrate on your life.
    "If someone is not ready to love me...we can't force them"
     
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  6. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP....
    No body can force anything.. tell your parents a firm NO..
     
  7. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Their attitude is sickening. You have created your own life in the US, build upon it. Treat your son with care.
     
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  8. aaral

    aaral Silver IL'ite

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    why are you desperate to fix this relationship??????????????????
     
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  9. Roopamanju

    Roopamanju Platinum IL'ite

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    Good everything is on right track... do keep minimal or no contact with them.I know it is hard but never push yourself into mess!
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You have tried more than once to become the nice DD and nice sibling to your FOO. Sadly they are not reciprocating, but taking your love for granted.

    You have a troubled marriage and a sick child to take care of. Focus all your energy to get thing straight in your marriage. Also, the same energy when your son needs attention and medical interventions.

    Once both your marriage and son's medical issue is fixed, you will hardly see anything from your FOO. No matter whether respect you or not, you won't bother about it that much.

    This silence itself will bring them back.. no wonder. They have received so much from you, and ready to get more and more as you are also ready to support them to buy their love. Once stepping out from their expectation will draw a clear line, that they will eventually understand.

    Give your best for your immediate family. You have now almost completed your role as a DD, and sister. Now that your new role begins as a wife and mom. Do your muximum to pass this exam as well... You will do better.

    Best wishes for your son's speedy recovery.. and prayers too.
     
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