What should I do?

I always think there is some truth behind this saying, "Veetai Katti Paar, Kalyanam Panni Paar". I am so much in pain when someone dear to me has turned no one to me. Please take some time to read.

we were once a family with 4 close knit members. My parents, me and my brother. We belonged to a middle class family with my father being the only bread winner. Inspite of all hardships, my parents managed to give us the right education. Today I am in a good position and my brother is also doing well with a job in US.


Initially, my brother used to financially support the family after my dad's retirement, by that time I had got married. In fact, in a land already purchased by my dad in our native place where they moved after retirement, my brother helped financially to build a house. During that time, he was working abroad. After education and within a couple of years, we could see a lot of change in him. He would nt talk much and always doing calculations on how much he spent on parents and pick up fights. He used to hold grudge against my mother for having scolded him during his childhood for not waking up early, not studying and similar such things. I should say, things were not smooth between my mother and brother. But still, after leaving home, he would call every other day and talk normally.


We started looking for marriage alliance. When asked for his choice, he placed few conditions like he wanted a job-going girl in a particular field with so-and-so years of experience, blah ,blah. In our community with a growing demand of brides, we couldnt find one of his choice. If we like a girl, then he wouldnt. So it took us some time to finally find one. During this time also, he used to pick up fights due to the delay. Meanwhile, he had moved to Chennai.
This bride, we got through a marriage broker. Even before a formal bride seeing, my brother and the girl had met and exchanged their thoughts. Then he had taken my parents for the bride seeing only for eye wash. All this time I was living abroad. My parents had consulted for a horoscope match and were not satisfied with the match results. Also she was in her late 20's and so my parents were little reluctant to go ahead with the proposal. But my brother was adamant to continue with this. So we had no other option but to say ok. Within few days, the girl had got a short term onsite project in US. My brother had been meeting her, spent both time and money on her. She then went ahead for the project. They had been in constant touch. There have been misunderstandings between them which I had never knew. One fine day, the girl called me up and said that she wants to call off the engagement to be held. When I enquired my brother, he gave me some reason which I believed and convinced her. From engagement to marriage, a gap of three to four months, they had some reasons to fight but were not revealed to me or my parents.[Reasons we came to know only later] The girl had already been in an affair and had been seeing him till marriage. My brother not happy with this but later convinced by one of her relatives whom she calls brother/ uncle. The girls parents and relatives had forced her to break the tie, it seems.


After marriage, within 4 days, she showed us her true colours. She had already picked up fights with my parents who were along with them only 10 days. After my parents left the place, she never bothered about cooking. kept pressing her husband to pick up and drop her at her workplace, both their offices are in opposite directions. She insisted on going to restaurants, shopping, etc but would never share her salary. With her waking up late and my brother being late to office after doing dropping her, tensions started mounting and both of them have had misunderstandings. And in 40 days after marriage, she went to her parents place. My brother had not revealed anything about this to us, saying we would feel bad, thats why. After reaching her place, she had gone to my in-laws and relative's place and complained about us, had made stories to make a big issue. Only through our relatives and upon enquiring my brother, we got to know what was going on.My parents had tried to settle down the issue but the girl and her mother had been arrogant and insulted my parents infront of my relatives. [things they demanded- Sister and parents should not visit her husband. the jewels worn by mil belongs to her and what not]. There were no signs of them to compromise, so we left the matter for sometime. Though she continued her job in the same place where my brother was, she never bothered to unite. Meanwhile, the girl had been to his office and badmouthed about him, e-mailed to her relatives about whatever happened or not happened and cooked up stories to make it believe. This went on for almost 4 months amd my brother on receiving a onsite opportunity chose to move over. He went leaving all these problems to us. After he went, people from her side started visiting my parents, talk over but since we were so much hurt with their comments and arrogant behaviour my parents didnt show much interest in talks. Those people took extra steps like sending two people and threatening to file case on us,(Me and my parents live in different place) interpreting and sending message differently to my brother. because of all these problems, my marriage was also in trouble.We had lot of stress and literally gone into depression. we wanted him to come back. He came after two years with divorce in mind.(in these two years of seperation, he has stayed in touch with her over phone, everytime she used to command him, taunting him). He had prepared a document of whatever happened in his marriage, this document was to be produced to the advocate. He asked me to read the document and thats how I came to know about all the problems.He sent a divorce notice. Only then she came to meet him and started saying sorry. During that time, me and my husband were also there. My husband advised and wanted them to unite. That was the time I saw her last. It was in October 2012.Whenever I used to call her, she would say I am little busy now, will call u later, but never did. Till March 2013, my brother stayed in Chennai alongwith her. Gradually, he stopped talking to me and my parents. He had hardly visited my parents in madurai during his stay. Later he flew to US alone, as his wife 's visa was not ready. She took her own time since she was always in a dilemma whether or not to quit her job. After reaching US, my brother would have spoken to us for 8 or 9 times only. Even my brother never bothered to let us know when she joined him. I came to know about them through a FB friend. He is behaving like he is noone to us. He gave us so much pain and now giving us the impression that we are the cause of all his problems. Earlier he was speaking to us once in a month, nowadays it is once in 3 months. Got to know through someone that she is pregnant now. He is least bothered to let us know. I only get a feeling that for the sake of his dear wife, he can go to any extent. Perhaps, he should have done this before giving us any headache.

I do not know how I should be reacting to him, the next time he calls me. I am now worried about my parents.

 

Thanks for the reply. I have already told him n number of times, even if he doesnt want to speak with me, its ok but not to do the same with parents, but of no use. Thats the cause of worry.

 

GoogleGlass, I have lately understood my brother. I never thought he could be so selfish. The only thing is, she and her mother put us in bad image infront of everyone and now being happy without any concern. Though it is pain, I am slowly trying to disconnect from him. I am trying to convince my parents also, but there is pain that can never be healed.

SGBV,

I also feel the same. I even told him that he got what he wanted through his wife. He only says he wanted to forget the past and live on. Thats good but does that mean to forget everyone other than his wife. Regarding my parents, I talk to them, understand their feelings. But nothing else could I do about this strained relationship with him.

 

To Yellowmango

"Looks like your brother did try to fulfill his duties as a son initially.....and probably stopped before he was married.So can't blame his wife here."

This post is in anyway not to blame his wife alone.

Yes, he did all he could, the best. In fact, he was the one who convinced my mom to go ahead with house construction in city Y after having moved from city X. My mom had lived in city X for almost 30 years and she was not fascinated with city Y. But still with my father's savings and his support, the house got completed. But it all started later, he had started calculating. But at any point in time, my mom never expected him to give more than he could. He always deposited in bulk and parents would take only a fixed amount every month. Even, if I enquire she would say for two of us not much expense.So theres no money issue. Theres some savings done by my father and few properties too.

"When he was with them.....he had no choice but to be the good Indian boy.Once he moved away....he chose to distance himself....emotionally and financially."

He was anyway not with them. After college, he had got a job in a different city and from that time, nearly 13 years, he is away only. For one year, he was in India and the rest in abroad only. And not once, he has taken my parents to the place he lived. But still, he used to be nice over phone.

"What is wrong with grown up adults in their late twenties meeting up before the bride seeing. After all it is his marriage and him being sure is more important than your parents."

I do not see anything wrong in meeting up. During their first meeting only, he had known about her broken affair with some X which he didnt mind but later was causing problems between them even before engagement. (Comparing my brother with X, calling him with the name of X forgetfully) He would say to call off the marriage arrangements without being open or giving proper reasoning. I being unaware of all thses, would advise him to be polite, make adjustments as it is quite common with two people in a new relation.

Since your parents were not happy ...it is natural for the girl to be vary of them.

Since they could sense some tension between the two as was said in the horoscope, they were not happy.

There is a lot of information that seems to be missing. Why would he suddenly stop talking or interacting .How can a woman he was about to divorce have so much influence on him? Did the fights between them have something to do with your parents or you.Did she fight citing you as a problem.If not...then this does not make sense.

From the period of bride seeing till marriage, I was living abroad for almost 3 years then. I had applied for PR and was waiting for the results. Only then she had got the online opportunity and my brother arranged for her to meet me as I was not sure whether I would be available for marriage. She kept asking about my plans but I being unsure told her my situation. That time, we were facing a bad time. Later, I found there were issues regarding this also. Even in my absence, she wanted to go ahead with marriage. My brother wanted to wait for me. They had misunderstandings. To my bad luck, I was rejected PR and had to return to India for good, then the marriage date was also fixed. I came 20 days before marriage and was with her only 6 days after marriage,of which 3 days they were on honeymoon, two days to her parents' place, one day to office. I have hardly spent time with her. Just a night before I left for my place, my brother took my kids to his room. This was cited as "Sister and kids are causing trouble to her married life". This I came to know from my MIL, who in turn was advising me you are so and so's dil and you shouldnt be doing this. My parents have spent very less time 10 days. When my mom has never asked about her job/salary, she had told my mil that my mom asked her to deposit her salary in my mom's account.

If he is happy with his wife ....then try to give them their space.Be happy for them. As time passes and as he finds happiness in life...he may want to rekindle the relationship.Maybe once he becomes a father....he may understand his own parents better.[/QUOTE]

I too want to forget the past, whatever she has done but cannot tolerate him totally neglecting us. We do not expect anything from her. They had their own set of problems and it was their responsibility to resolve them, but instead putting everything in public, and us in answerable positions, giving all sorts of tensions and now comfortably living far away without any concern, is what bothering.

"he may want to rekindle the relationship.Maybe once he becomes a father....he may understand his own parents better."

this is what I am hoping for.

But I and my parents feel so much hurt and in no mood to talk to him even if he calls. I do not know how things going to take turns.

I just do not want anyone to be in a similar situation.