Need Advice, please help.

kittu · Oct 8, 2014

I live with my husband and my daughter, my daughter is 3.10 years old.When ever I ask her any thing like how was your day, what have you done today, she never responds or she says “mein nhi bataungi” or she says something else. If I try to stop her from anything she starts shouting and crying. She never listen to me when I talk. She starts crying on minor things and make sure that she gets what she demands. I was working earlier but I have left job (which i never wanted to quit) because she was going out of control, whenever I take her out for or shopping, she roams here and there and never come to me and not ready to go home,If I take her to party, then she start complaining that I dnt have any friend, no one is playing with me.
She wakes up around 6 O clock in the morning but she is not ready to get up from the bed, even she is not ready to go to loo or brush her teeth, we try to divert her mind to another things and get her do these basic things. She is never ready to eat or drink any thing, because of which she was suffering from anemia last year. she is not ready to anything, never eats with her hands, sometimes it will become very difficult for me to manage.
She get angry very soon and start throwing things around at the same time she start shouting and crying. Some times I feel that I am not a good mother, its a total failure as a mother.
Kind ILites please help.

pear · Oct 8, 2014

Dear op,

Consult a good psychologist your daughter seems to be affected by Attention deficit disorder.The children will be hyper ,but they wont do anything with concentration.They are generally way backward in hand and eye coordination and social habits.This problem usually comes to our notice when child was not able to finish school writing work or not able to concentrate in the classroom.They also will lack in basic habits and needs reminder to even brush thier teeth. You could google for more information.

Its better to go for ADD screening as its not fair to blame the child for what they have no control on.There are so many clinics that teach you to manage ADD in an efficient manner. Understanding thier limits is half the battle won.Please dont ignore her symptoms.

The intelligence of the kid has nothing to do with this disorder.Its more a behavioral birth disorder .

kittu · Oct 9, 2014

Thank you Pear,

If I 'll talk with my husband for taking her to psychologist then I am sure that, he will never get ready for the same.
What precautions or measures should I take to make her feel comfortable and happy or can I change her routine and start hobby classes for her.

pear · Oct 9, 2014

Dear kittu,

The overall things you had listed seemed to coincide with ADD. Thats the reason i had put it as a high probability.But you need to take the kid for proper screening to ascertain the same.

An ADD kid would be very normal ,but only for thier lack of concentration.There is nothing as precaution ,you need to understand the kid a lot.The ADD child could be easily sealed as adamant, messy,irresponsible,disobedient ,lazy and after a period of time as stupid when they were not able to do well academically.Understanding the kids difficulty could help us be gentle and not to lose temper and be harsh on the kid.

The child will have normal well functioning eyes,ears and hands.But the child would find it difficult to co-ordinate eye and hand .Not that the child cant do the co-ordination its just that they need more time to do the task because of lack of proper concentration.When the child feels disheartened they tend to ignore or lose thier temper(they give up concentrating on anything).Its not easy for them to follow a train of thought or a routine and they hate it when you interrupt them in thier thoughts.They are generally very hyper.

The indian education system acknowledge's thier difficulty and allots 30 mins extra for all the government examination.

If you are from india i will insist you to take immediate help as our education system requires loads of writing.Writing is not an all important life altering skill considering the larger picture of life ,but by the time they go through our education system the ADD kids stand to lose thier confidence.

You could sit with the kid to play a game or engage her in any activity to prolong her concentration.Beading colourful beads,drawing, painting,zig saw puzzles are some of the activities that can be of help.Making the kid interested in a sport or game or music instruments could help the kid big time(its only for overall development dont expect the kid to excel ).Encourage and acknowledge the kids new efforts avoid looking for perfection.

BEST WISHES

Poonamk1 · Oct 9, 2014

I loved the way you explained.. Very informative..

pear said: ↑

Dear kittu,

The overall things you had listed seemed to coincide with ADD. Thats the reason i had put it as a high probability.But you need to take the kid for proper screening to ascertain the same.

An ADD kid would be very normal ,but only for thier lack of concentration.There is nothing as precaution ,you need to understand the kid a lot.The ADD child could be easily sealed as adamant, messy,irresponsible,disobedient ,lazy and after a period of time as stupid when they were not able to do well academically.Understanding the kids difficulty could help us be gentle and not to lose temper and be harsh on the kid.

The child will have normal well functioning eyes,ears and hands.But the child would find it difficult to co-ordinate eye and hand .Not that the child cant do the co-ordination its just that they need more time to do the task because of lack of proper concentration.When the child feels disheartened they tend to ignore or lose thier temper(they give up concentrating on anything).Its not easy for them to follow a train of thought or a routine and they hate it when you interrupt them in thier thoughts.They are generally very hyper.

The indian education system acknowledge's thier difficulty and allots 30 mins extra for all the government examination.

If you are from india i will insist you to take immediate help as our education system requires loads of writing.Writing is not an all important life altering skill considering the larger picture of life ,but by the time they go through our education system the ADD kids stand to lose thier confidence.

You could sit with the kid to play a game or engage her in any activity to prolong her concentration.Beading colourful beads,drawing, painting,zig saw puzzles are some of the activities that can be of help.Making the kid interested in a sport or game or music instruments could help the kid big time(its only for overall development dont expect the kid to excel ).Encourage and acknowledge the kids new efforts avoid looking for perfection.

BEST WISHES
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guesshoo · Oct 10, 2014

Op,

talk to your paediatrician about her. I suggest you go by yourself and discuss your concerns. Then take her without your husband if you think he might be in denial.

It could also be just behavioural.

Does she get what she wants by screaming and throwing tantrums? That has to stop first. a no is a no. A later is later. You and your husband need to be consistent in enforcing that. whenever she whines, insist you don't understand what she is saying as she is screaming or whining. "Use your normal voice, darling." Could be a cue. When she throws a tantrum, calmly remove her from where she is and tell her she needs to think about her behaviour - whether it is acceptable or not.

also choose your battles. If she doesn't want to get out of bed, leave her be; if she refuses to eat don't give her any attention. Offer only healthy food and let her choose how much and what she eats. Don't try to feed her or insist that she eats. If you remain firm and non affected and consistent, she should come around. At meal times have no tv or other distractions. Sit at the table and Talk to her about the weather or what you have planned for the weekend without asking her to eat. If you take the stress off eating it would really help:

When she does do something you say, praise her and hug her and lavish a lot of attention on her. When she doesn't behave,remain kind but firm and calmly carry on with your chores / hobbies without giving her attention.

Introduce reward charts for her day to day activities starting with getting up, making the bed, brushing, listening etc. (but do give her a bit of leeway) you could also introduce a jar and give her a marble everytime she behaves while taking one out if she behaves in a particularly inappropriate way.

It is important for you to remain calm and composed. You also need to make sure you are modulating your tone and body language as required. Learn to be develop a firm voice (not loud. Just polite but firm) when you mean business. "Please could you tidy away your toys." With eye contact and at her level can work wonders. I seriously suggest looking yourself in the mirror and practicng - record your voice too so you can hear it. (I'm certain there are videos online to guide you through this. Ive seen supernanny shows where she demonstrates)

If she doesn't want to talk, let it be. Make it a habit of you and your husband discussing your days in front of her. She would eventuallywant to join in too.