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Got caught in to a troubled relationship

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Aug 27, 2014.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, this is not a burning issue. But still, I feel I need a second opinion about this.

    There is a cousin, who is much more older than us. She has two children who are in their early 20s. This cousin so dear to all of us. More so, she is like a sister to my mom. She helped us many times both physically and emotionally at times when we were so dull and isolated.

    Some 2 years back, my brother had a break-up. He did not know what to do immediately after that. So, my cousin and her husband comforted him a lot, and advised him to be steady and strong. In this process, they would call my brother for frequent lunch and dinner. Sometimes for a glass of wine too. We knew that my brother is spending a lot of time with them then, but we were quite relieved as he is getting normal after interacting with them like this.

    Soon after this, my cousin's DD (who was 19 yrs then) had developed a soft corner in my brother. She would call him frequently to check how he is. She would text him often, advice him to be normal and offer a company whenever he feels so lonely.
    My mom was with me then as I had a little baby to care of. So, most of the times my then un-married brother stayed alone in his home.

    Slowly, this girl had developed some feelings for my brother. In fact, my brother was a decade older than this girl. Their's was not a marriageable relationship either.

    She would say that she too had a failed relationship; thus she is unable to concentrate on her studies... bla bla bla...
    My brother would advice her, and find solace by talking with her. However, my brother never intended to date with this girl, rather treated her like a close relative/friend with whom he can be so open. Perhaps, this girl misinterpreted his intention, so felt for him.

    Their relationship went for about a year until it was caught by my cousin. When questioned, this girl suddenly went a back, and said she was innocent, but tortured by my brother for chats like this.
    She further said that her studies are interrupted because of this, but she feared of her parents, yet remained silence.

    My cousin and her family believed this girl, thus confronted with my brother. Meanwhile, this girl informed my brother about her issues at home, and asked him to support her as she is more vulnerable at home.

    My brother apologized to my cousin for chatting with her DD, and promised not to repeat this mistake ever.

    We were kept in the dark about all this, until my cousin brought this topic to my mom at a family gathering in front of others. She said, 'you must soon find a girl to your son, else he would chase after young girls like mine". Then shared the whole story as per her daughter's POV.

    It was a shame to my mom, and all of us. So my mom confronted with my brother only to know that it was not solely his mistake, but the girl was also not innocent.

    At the same time, this cousin would insult my mom indirectly at various occasions as she was in extreme anger with my brother. She trusted her DD the most. Once when my mom opposed this, her elder son (21 yrs then) scolded my mom and bad mouthed about me and my own personal life.

    Knowing this, I tried to call him, but I could not get his line then. So, I sent him a FB message as explaining the whole incident, and asked him to stop this. Also, I told him "if your sister was so innocent, she would have at least told you about this, else deactivated her FB or at least unfriended my brother. Else she would have barred his TP no. If a girl is innocent, she would at least make an effort to escape from alleged tortures, but no innocent girl would wait till get caught".

    I also accepted that my brother was at complete fault, but also asked them to accept their DD's fault and come to reconciliation.

    To which, he informed all his relatives that I had bad mouthed openly about the character of his sister in public (FB)- in fact I only messaged him, not publicly.

    Everyone was damned angry on me, and bad mouthed about me since then.

    Now that my brother got married. To his wedding, he went ahead to invite them all. He apologized again, and asked them to attend the function. They attended wholeheartedly.

    They are also okay with my mom, and my sister as well. But they did not visit my kid's 31st day function nor to my place since this incident.

    They still believe that I must have posted something in public to damage their DD's reputation. They are not net savvy, and not so into social media. I can't explain them the difference or message/chat with post in FB wall.

    Their children are now studying in abroad. They are active in FB again. But no longer friends with me.

    I feel lost, as this cousin was so close to all of us before. Now that she mingles with everyone else, but not with me. It is a shame that someone isolates me for none of my mistake. It is even hurtful when both parties reconciled, and rejected me.

    Now that my DD's first BD is coming. I am in the process of dispatching the invitations. Not sure whether to invite them or not.

    Any suggestions?
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Send the invitation but don't have high expectations.How about writing to your cousin and explaining?That way you would have done your part in mending fences.If they don't respond....let it be.
     
    sindmani, SGBV and pear like this.
  3. sugugiri2010

    sugugiri2010 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi...

    as yellow said... do ur part , inviting them... but dont expect them...if u wish, after sending the invitation give a call and inform them and apologise for the past...
     
  4. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Do send the invitation it's up to your cousin to attend the function or not. If you really want the things to smoothen up, invite her and try to explain the difference and ask them to forget the past as everyone is happy now and assure her you would never do such a thing.
     
  5. MrsBV

    MrsBV Gold IL'ite

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    OP, write a letter to your cousin as YM indicated along with the invitation, you say they are not tech savvy so maybe telling your point of view and explaining the situation will help (the difference between posts and sending a private message). However, it will be best not to blame her daughter in the letter as it may backfire. Also mention in the letter how she misses the times you spent together and wishes things would be like before.

    BTW, have you ever tried calling her to speak about the situation lately?
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2014
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    The main actors in this were your bro, your cousin + hub and that girl. They were the ones with the issue, and now they are all fine amongst each other. I guess the lesson here is to talk directly to the more mature among the principal characters of the drama. Dont involve random (and biased) third parties into the matter.

    You yourself are a 3rd party and you involved a 3rd party. This was your first mistake. Secondly that fellow wasnt mature enough to handle your input but a biased, hot-headed, immature 21 year old who took your input personally and created his own version of the affair. This is the second mistake. You should have taken into account the maturity of the person and whether they are able to handle the info and the responsibility.

    Stop communicating with their kids. Your relationship is with the cousin. So communicate directly with her. If you really care abt their presence at this milestone, reach out directly to the cousin and her hubby, talk to them in person simply and directly, explain, apologize, do what is needed to clear the matter. Then invite for your kids birthday. Dont call or write, speak to them in person.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you all for your responses. It was just popped in my mind after seeing my cousin's children in FB (they are also friends with my friends, so their post do appear in my wall at times).

    I did not think I was a third party then. Because this son of my cousin bad mouthed about me in public. Instead of blaming my brother, or my mother's upbringing, this fellow linked my own personal marital issues in public to validate his comments. This was an insult to me. Specially at times of having a marital issue, i felt insulted. So, I approached him directly to question as to why he involved me into this mess, that too in public. I think I was right in confronting with him that moment.

    Then as usual things popped up, and there was accusation about my brother. As a sister, I explained my stand point to him. But I did not approach him to mend things up or mediate here. I just clarified his issue, since it was linked to me.

    Anyhow, I agree with you Sandhya

    It was my fault to believe a 21 yr old immature guy to have some sense at the first place. Then I remained silence for a long time (say 2 yrs) when things popped up among relatives about this FB matter. I did care nothing about them, specially after this fellow's rude talks, and his mother (cousin's) support to him.

    However, now that my cousin's H is sick. Everyone go to visit him. They might assume that I am proud as I am far well off than them now. Perhaps, their interaction with my brother and family members also make me upset to bring back all those lost memories.

    As you ladies suggested, let me visit her in person with an invite for the first and last attempt. I will try my best to clarify things. I may end up telling something about her DD, I may not... It depends. But let's see how it goes. I just didn't want to get caught of these silly family politics any further. That's it.

    Feeling relieved after writing this. Thanks for listening !
     
    1 person likes this.

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