Haven't spoken to my family in 6 years - want to make contact but scared

Hello.

This is going to be a long story so please bear with me...

I'm a Sikh originally from the UK. I came from a typical Sikh family, so I had a bit of a tough upbringing as I grew up in 2 cultures which clash.

My mother is a very tough woman who is set in her ways. Nothing and no one can change her views. We clashed a lot as I tried to find my identity. I was deprived of friends cos they were white and I was not allowed to do any activities such as ride a bike or learn to swim. Despite having siblings, my childhood was lonely because I arrived a lot later after them. My mother hasn't talked to her own sister in over 20 years because my aunt didn't have an arranged marriage and my uncle is another caste. She is the only one from her family to still hold a grudge.

My story:
I fell in love with someone who was white. I shouldn't have fallen in love at all because my marriage was to be arranged. Imagine a lot of drama that would give Zee tv a run for it's money. My mother called me a whore, and told me I'm worthless. She said she wished I was dead. My sisters who all had arranged marriages were abusive also. Two of them spat on me and told me to go stand on a street corner. This guy who I went to a lot of trouble for, turned out wasn't worth it, but my mother took glee in this. She already used to tell me before that I'm worth nothing and after that, it became a ritual. I had no control over my life and I became a prisoner at home. Apart from going to uni, I stayed at home with her. I had no other choice in the matter as she slowly started to break me.

I became addicted to painkillers to numb myself and self-harmed because after a while, I started to believe my mother's words that I am worthless. I even tried to commit suicide. I took painkillers but threw them up again, I hadn't taken enough because I didn't have enough. The weight dropped off of me and I was a skeleton. Instead of being concerned, she yelled at me because people were asking why I looked unwell. She cared a lot about what other people thought of her. She and one of my sisters causes me the most grief. Going through my phone and shouting at me for having too many friends, going through my bebo page (was like Facebook) and questioning who all my male friends are. She would call my sister every night and tell her what I'd said or done. I was too scared to breathe. Every time I showed signs of "normality", I was reminded of my "crime". This went on for a year and a half after the bf thing. I confessed my self harm in the worst possible way, and it got brushed under the carpet.

I left home secretly and went to a women's shelter. after almost getting found, I had to get moved again. The family reported me missing but I'd already got in touch with the police to tell them that I'd left of my own free will. My family passed on a message that my gran is unwell. I was hysterical but it turned out she wasn't in any of the hospitals in the area. I felt betrayed. To protect myself, I changed my identity.

I haven't been back to my home since. It's been 6 years and the homesickness is killing me. My ex bf (different one) is telling me I'm not strong enough to go back. I feel like I need to confront my mother and tell her what she has done to me as I am still traumatized by it. I've been written off sick and going through a depressive phase in my life and I noticed when I talked to my psychiatrist, it all came back to mum. When I feel like I've failed in life, I hear her laughing at me in my head, telling me I'm worth nothing.

I want to go home and feel safe walking the streets. I need them to know why I left.

How can I do this? Can someone please help me?

 

This is is what I'm planning on doing. This is slowly destroying me and I need to make peace. I'm thinking of getting in touch with the Salvation Army and see if they can do it because they reunite families too. I can only hope.

 

I suppose I want to confront her because I want her to see the damage she caused. I want to take control of my life and it will make me feel good for her to at least hear it, regardless of whether she actually takes it in or not.

I want to also contact my family so I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I tried. If I'm blessed with a loving husband and kids, I'd like to think I can say to them that I tried to build broken relationships. I want to do it for my own peace of mind as well.

Can you please share the story of your friend? I would like to know how things turned out for her. It is a source of comfort but also sad for me that I'm not alone in situations like this.

I have a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward who I would highly recommend. It is helping me to deal with the situation, however, for me the one way I will truly be able to move on with my life is if I confront her. I need to take the bull by the horns and stop running away from this situation.

My aunt lives in Canada. I have no way of contacting her and even though she did take that step, I highly doubt she would be proud of what I did lol.

 

Hi. Thanks to everyone responding here. It means the world to me.

You hit the nail on the head. My mother always bragged that she had no regrets in life, either in general or in how she raised us. The way she will see it is, the other 4 girls turned out fine, there must have been something wrong with me.

I know I'm tormenting myself a lot, but family is family at the end of the day no matter how they are. I would like to maintain contact with at least someone, you know?

I'm having to go through a list of why I left and of what my mother and siblings put me through. There will come a time when I will think "Why did I waste my time on these people?"

I guess I'm also afraid of finding a partner who will understand what I have gone through and still accept me. I know that for most men, they would be really happy not to have to deal with the in laws, but I won't be able to take him home to meet my parents, introduce him to my sisters, and if we get married, the bride's side will be very lonely and pathetic. There's just so much going on in my head and it's just bothering me that's all.

All the problems that I'm experiencing at the moment is because of the damage my mother put me through, and the fact that I can't put this to sleep so to speak. I need to close this chapter firmly in my life and I don't know how I can do it without her at least being aware of what she did to me. I need to heal, but she needs to at least know it. Whether she still holds me at fault or whether she actually takes some responsibility is irrelevant. I want her to know.

 

Thanks for the response. Sixteen is such a young age and you're right, it would have fizzled out eventually. I can't believe she had to go through all that and her mum sounds like my mother's soulmate. I'm sure these two would get on like a house on fire.

Does she still have contact with her family after finding this nice guy? I'm glad she is happy. Whether that will happen to me remains to be seen. I think you meant children instead of siblings right? Sorry, I just wanted to clear that bit up.