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Am I good human being? Daughter? Mother?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by daydreamgirl, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. daydreamgirl

    daydreamgirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hello ILites,

    I have been a regular blogger at IL whenever I needed some info, some help and whenever I have felt low, I have come here and browsed for hours and it has always helped. Today its my first post here with a pretty weird situation and I feel lost.

    This is going to be a long mail and I am hoping some of you might have had time and patience to read through it and help me because I really need help.

    Me and my Mom share a relationship which is at times as if we are the best buddies in the world and at times as if we are the biggest enemies ever. We quarrel like crazy screaming at each other. Its been 2 years since I am married. I was working for 5 years before I quite my job and came to a different country after getting married. When I came here, I had no friends, no one to chat, I am completely dependent on my husband for every little thing. This is not how I was when I was in India, I was independent, I had lots of friends and I was very active but after coming here I feel like a frog in the well. I come from a middle class family where I have often struggled for finances hence I always dreamt of making lot of money, also I was finding it difficult to ask my husband for money when I am in need of something. I am jobless and had become dependent on my DH. I din't like this life of mine. We had planned not to have a child for 3-4 years so that I can find a job for myself and become financially stable by the time we have a child but I conceived within 2 months of our marriage. Initially it was difficult for me and my DH to accept the fact and we were not sure if we were mentally ready to be parents but still we went ahead with the pregnancy and we were blessed with a healthy baby boy. My mom had visited us to help me with my postpartum and things were all fine but after my delivery I used to get worked up by the way my son was crying in the night, it was getting hard on my part to handle those sleepless nights and I started getting very irritated whenever my son cried. My mom thought something was wrong with me and asked my DH to take me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist its nothing to do with postpartum depression and its just that things happened so quickly in my life that it was getting difficult for me to accept it. He feels may be I never thought having a child is a big responsibility and its not cake walk. Which is true.. I din't know it was so tough. The Doc prescribed a very small dosage of medication to keep myself calm which I took for nearly 8-9 months and have discontinued it for the past 2 months now based on the Docs advice.

    My son has been pampered a lot by my parents and my IL's and I have been in the verge of disciplining him. Recently my mom has visited us to help me with my son and all my disciplining him went for a toss! He's been fed while he is running around the house, he's been made to sleep while my mom is carrying and tapping his back. In spite of me resisting not to do so my mom does it most of the times. In the past 2 weeks me and my mom have had real big fights due to my son's tantrums.
    -A week back on Jan 1st, it was 9pm in the night while I was feeding dinner to my son and I was not in good terms with my mom due to some petty fight. As always my son was throwing up most of the food out of his mouth by playing purrrrrrrrrrr and sprinkling the food all around him. It was not even 3-4 spoons of food I had fed him that he had started doing that which slightly turned me off. I tried my best to sing songs, rhymes and narrate stories to distract him so that he eats atleast half of the food. He's already very lean and I was afraid he would become underweight and I was trying to force him to eat. My was hinting me not to force him as she would give him milk while he is sleeping in the night. You know my mom has developed this habit in my son where he seeks atleast 3-4 bottles of milk in the night which is around 15-20 ounces of milk (he drinks in the night while asleep). If he does not get atleast one of these bottles then that night is going to be a nightmare. When she said she would give him milk and not to feed him food I got even more irritated (whenever someone tries to correct me with something I am doing with my son, I get this inferiority that am I doing something wrong and I get even more stubborn on what I have been doing). At the end of the whole thing my son started to snatch the spoon from me or to pick the food out of his mouth and started throwing it all over the house and that when I got on my nerves and yelled at him saying - 'You are such a pain, why dont you co-operate and why do you have a problem with sleeping, feeding, bathing and diaper change, I sick and tired of you'. I actually shouted at my son with a pretty loud tone and he got scared and started crying. Before I could realize what I had done my started yelling at me saying -'you are a pain, you can't be a good mother, you trouble your son so much, you have been troubling us all your life and now you have come here to trouble your DH and son, you should die, you are worth nothing, instead of you the kid should have born to someone who is been praying for years to conceive, why don't you go and die? you have made me cry on the 1st day of the year and I can imagine how the rest of this year is going to be' having heard all this my head went very heavy and my eyes blank, even now I feel my head really heavy after writing down what she said. My son was even more scared and was crying even louder after my mom started to speak. I somehow gathered all the courage and told her to stay quite for 10mins as the kid is scared and he is asking for me and asked her to give the kid to me but she was going on and on saying - I wont give the kid, you wont spare him, you are crazy blah blah blah. Hearing her screaming my son started crying even more, I told her again in a very calm tone saying the kid is scared so either you shut your mouth and give him to me or I leave the house which is when she gave him to me. I somehow managed to calm my kid and made him sleep after a while. In the meantime my mom had called up my dad and had complained him about whatever happened (My DH was not at home) and she comes to me saying my dad wanted to talk. I don't know, I was shaking, I had some kind of awkward feeling that I was afraid that my dad would yell at me. I spoke to him for a while and I don't even remember what I spoke to him. All I remember my dad saying was - take good care of my Grandson, he's a sweet heart. I could not sleep the whole night thinking of how I behaved with my son and the things my mom told me. When someone says things like - you should die, instead of you someone else should have had this kid, I consider it a bad omen. Who will take care of my son if I die? and I can't even think of something bad for him. You know it hurts when my parents ask me to take good care of my own son. Have I set such a bad impression of myself by being harsh to my son? I have always wanted the best of everything for my son and why do they say so? I don't want to set a bad example for my son. I want him to be well disciplined and I love him more than anybody in this planet. May be its just that I don't know to handle a crying kid or may be I do not know to console a cranky, fussy and a playful kid.

    Similar incident happened yesterday, it was 10pm and my son was fussing to sleep. He usually sleeps at around 9pm max but yesterday he was playful though he was tired and sleepy. I just wanted to stick to his routine hence I took him to the room and put him in his crib. He needs one to pick him in their arms and make him sleep by tapping on his back. Initially when I put him in his crib, he lied down so I was tapping him from above the crib by bending down to him. After a while he stands up and started jumping in his crib and I sat next to the crib and was watching him. Later he asked me to pick him up and I did so but then he was asking me to take him out or to play in the room we were. It was already 10:45 and I was kind of exhausted hence I left him in his crib and that's when he got on his nerves as I dint listen to what he wanted. He started crying and that's when my mom came at the door saying if you don't want to have him in your arms and make him sleep let me do it but don't make the kid cry. When she said so, I felt a little nervous, you know whenever I am with my kid and he is crying someone or the other will come to give me advice and that makes me feel very anxious and gives me a feeling that I am committing a crime. This turns me off and I get stubborn on what I do. I told my mom he is anyways tired so will cry for a while and will sleep later and asked her not to bother. But she went and complained my DH and then called up my dad and complained that your daughter ill treats me when I am at her home, I wont come here again, she does not like me, she does not look at my face, she troubles the kid, she is making him cry and trust me I got so mad at her that I went out and scolded her saying you are mad and you are one 'rakshas jaath ki aurath'. I don't know what made me say that but this time I dint shout considering my son as he would get scared. By this time my DH had lost his temper and he yelled at me to shut my mouth and I did else I don't know what all I would have said. I wet back to my room picked up my son and made him sleep. My dad was again ready over the phone to talk to me and this time I was not calm. I told him not to send your wife next time if she does not want to come and ask her not to curse someone and complain too much and to shut her mouth and stay calm instead of making a call to you when you are so far of place and I dropped the call.

    I completely except its all my mistake and its not right on my part to be so harsh and rude at my parents at this age. But I don't know such fights never happen between me and my dad, we are like the best buddies. But with mom, I don't understand its nerve cracking. After these fights I sometimes feel I do not like her at all. Before when I was not yet married, we did have fights but it was not to an extent where I have felt that I do not like her.

    My DH is not happy either with my behavior with mom. He says I should make her understand but I have tried all of it. She says I am here for only few days and when I am here lets not make him cry. My DH feels its okay to show tough love to discipline a child and he says I am doing good as a parent except that I need to be more patient and should control my temper.

    My mom is leaving back to India in 4 days and at times I feel very bad for the way I have behaved with her when she has come here leaving my dad all alone just to help us. On the other hand I remember the things that she's told me and I just keep quite. I never thought the relationship between me and my mom would get so awkward.

    What do you ladies feel? Do I have some behavioral problem or am I still depressed? where am I going wrong?
     
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  2. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I feel that you are undergoing many emotions at this moment.Sometimes handling a baby can be an exhausting task and different people have different modus operandi to handle a crying baby. At the same time I must tell you that you are extremely lucky to have your mom with you for support.
    My mom passed away last year in July. For last 2 years she was bedridden in hospital in a vegetative state due to cerebral haemorrhage.Prior to that she was a patient of dementia for 3 years. I gave birth to my baby last year in January but my mother could not see her as she was in total vegetative state.Every single day of my life I rue the fact how much me and my mother have missed out. Every single day of my pregnancy when there was no one to take care of me, I missed my mother.Now,when I see my baby laugh or smile how badly I want my mother to hold her and pet her. Not a single day of my life passes without thinking of the happiness which my mother missed.
    I too had a stormy relation with my mother when I was in my teens. I guess every daughter fights with her mother. I remember my mother even telling me that how she disliked me compared to my elder sister,how she wished me dead etc etc in fits of rages.In those days I used to feel hurt and even after getting a job and moving away to a different city for my job after college, I used to feel angry at those things she had said. But now that she is no more and I miss her so badly , I understand that those are just words of frustration and her anger.No mother can wish ill of her child. What a fool I was to feel badly at her words..How I wish now I can have her back...
    The value of something is felt only when it is lost...
    You are not at all a bad daughter..you are just hurt and stressed..I will suggest that please make yourself calm..go to your mom and sit with her...hold her hand and tell her how you feel..Give her a hug and tell her what a huge support she has been to you...believe me, misunderstandings between a mother and daughter can never last..
    Please do everything in your abilities to make your mother happy again before she leaves to India...Believe me, this is the most precious and beautiful relationship in the world...Don't fill it with regrets...I am sure this is just a passing phase..
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Daydreamgirl, you are a good human being, a good daughter and a good mother. Just overwhelmed with the events and changes of past two years. Having a baby within first year of marriage, then mom or in-laws staying with you, a pampered baby, and your father participating via phone... Even the sanest person would go crazy.

    First things first - make up with your mother. She is leaving in four days. Don't go overboard in apologizing or analyzing what happened, and who said what. Just give her a hug, and say something like, 'Mom, I was overwhelmed. I am glad you came.I am sorry you are leaving. If I have to lose my cool with anyone, I'd rather it were you.'

    After she leaves, and you've got back to some routine with your child and household, you can peacefully think over things.

    I think the root cause is two fold - baby too soon in the marriage, and having mom/in-laws over beyond 6-8 weeks.
     
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  4. daydreamgirl

    daydreamgirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hey Jigisha and Rihana,

    Thanks a lot for your time and advice.
    I am sorry about what happened to your mother Jigisha, I can never imagine something of that sort to my parents. I do want to apologize to my mom but seems like she is pretty angry on me or I don't know may be she is hurt with my behavior. You know at times my DH also responds palely to her (but that's my DH's nature, he does not know to act nice. He does what he feels at that moment of time) but my mom feels its because the way I treat her that my husband also disrespects her :( I am not sure if it can be true. That would be the least that I expect for my mother from my husband. Also, somewhere deep inside its the ego that's been trying to stop me from apologizing. I feel later she will make fun of me in front of my family members. May be that's too silly reason to quote! I have been practicing since yesterday to apologize but I haven't got that guts to go stand in front of her. I am afraid she might again start that I said this, I said that blah blah blah and I go off again. May be I am too pessimistic or confused..

    But thanks again Jigisha and Rihana, you guys rescued me at the right time. I can't imagine my days with my pampered naughty little guy after my mother leaves.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear daydreamgirl,Please don't hesitate. Just go and hug her and don't stop hugging till she is happy. Both of you said pretty hurtful things...I bet she is also looking for a face saving way to say sorry.Don't worry....she is your mum....it will be fine.

    Later on call up dad and tell him you love him.It just takes that much to make mom and dad feel better.

    Trust your husband when he says you are doing fine.

    You are just suffering from post partum anxiety about looking after the baby.

    I 'll tell you what happened with me.
    When I had my first one....she took some time to take to breast feeding.I used to be exhausted just feeding her. One day I lost my patience and started crying telling my hubby.....this girl needs to be fed all the time ...I am not doing it and went to another room and cried while my daughter cried for milk.My poor husband and mom didn't know what to do.......finally we both stopped crying. Today both my husband and daughters feel I am an awesome mom (they also jokingly call me a pushover mom who can be made to anything for them).

    Don't worry you will be the most awesome mom.hugs to you dear.hugsmiley
     
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  6. kn543

    kn543 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think in all these labour and delivery and aadvices we forget that we are still a child to our parents. Just like how you want to discipline and teach your child maybe our parents also wants to share their perspective with us in this new stage. Yes, we do have different ideas from what they think but that doesnt mean that they are wrong or they want something bad to happen to us. I'm pretty sure that even though your mom said some really ugly stuff she wouldnt have meant them. Just like you she wouldnt want anything bad to happen to her child, right?


    We apologise to random strangers for petty things. Why do we stop ourselves from apologising to our family even if we are not at fault to make realtions smoother?


    You are good mom, never second guess your actions. Every mom goes through the same emotions. If someone comments on your parenting style, let them know in a lighter vein that you and your kid are both learning to tackle the situation and would eventually figure out what works for you both. If someone is advicing you listen to it, take what would suit you and leave the rest. You dont have to answer every argument.I know its easier said than done. But give it a shot it would work atleast some times.


    Go give your a mom a hug and tell her that you love her and know that she loves you and wants the best for you and your family. But this is your family and you would also take care of them and she need not worry. Also tell her that her words hurt you very much.. She is afer all going to leave for home in a few days..


    Hang in there... it would get better and you are a great mom, ask your son and DH if you want a confirmation :)
     
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  7. daydreamgirl

    daydreamgirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hey Jigisha, Rihana, Yellowmango, Kn543,

    I wanted to let you guys know that I did just like you all had suggested me to and it did wonders. It was just 2more days for mom to leave and I fell at her feet and said that nothing would have been possible in my life if it was not her. I told her that she is my strength and weakness and it was my bad that I hurt her when she was at our place. Trust me girls she burst into tears, :( :( she said we both are 2 frustrated souls in life so lets just leave behind whatever happened. You are my daughter and I can't see you in vain is all she said (even now my eyes go numb).
    Thanks a lot ladies, I am sure it wouldn't have been possible without you all.

    Today I am here again to vent out some of my faltoo frustrations of my life.. do let me know if its worthwhile?
     
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