Do moms loves sons more?

polymorphic · Mar 6, 2013

Hi All,

My mom has shown in words and sometimes in action right from childhood about how she favours my brother over me. I used to not believe it or never used to notice it that much because my father was esp loving to me.. Like most daughters, I was more caring whereas my brother grew up to be quite selfish and used to buy stuff only for himself for pruning himself up. He never used to understand my dad's financial difficulties. My dad is soft type and my mom would always take my bro's side whenever dad tries to put some sense of self-respect and the need to take care of family and to be not so selfish.. This is not just my words, everyone in the family - my uncles, my cousins all tell how they feel bad for me and tell me when i go with max 3 or 4 clothes during school days whereas my bro would spend the money we do not have on clothes, perfumes, going out with friends. I never used to fell that bad then, because i knew my dad was doing more than his best.

So, even now, my bro is like that.. not very responsible, does not stick to a job.. always partying.. whereas i studied and got a job...helped my dad with money before marriaeg and paid off my edu loans. So, I dont have any regrets about that. But the thing is, my mom (not my dad) still has this big soft corner for my bro and his family.. my mom talks as if my bro is the greatest son..for all this, he has never done anything for them.. but still, to keep up image my mom keeps telling me.. your bro this..your bro that.. it is so irritating.. my bro though he was in a job for almost 7 yrs when i got married, never hepled my retired dad with one rupee.. my mom knows all this.. even today after all this.. my mom does not appreciate or say a good word about me to anybody.. she tells only badmouths abt me.. but though my bro is so selfish and irresponsible , she still talks so highly of him... why???

Also, it is v evident now because, my mom shows too much affection for my nephew and nothing for my DD.. she quotes examples of how the other aunties who had "grandsons" and how they adore them.. i feel so depressed to know that the diff in attitude she had towards me will continue towards my DD. Now, i love my dd and she is a darling..She does not call for dd bithday but will remind me to call my nephew on his birthday... because he will feel happy.. why my daugther and i will also feel happy if her granda calls right? Have you mothers faced like this treatment towards grandsons and granddaughters... i feel horrible and have started to hate my mom's attitude towards girls.. everytime i speak to her.. its about who had boy baby and she will say - "do they have altleast one boy?" ... with pity. and "they have 4 grandsons" out of jealousy... it pathetic...

How do you handle such grandmas.. i can take care of myself.. but i dont want my daughter to know of my mom's preferences .. how do i do that.. or if it is bad, can i ask my mom to not visit me if she carries on with these talks.. it makes me uneasy... and ofcouse my dd though small she is very sharp and can understand and is v sensitive

Rihana · Mar 6, 2013

Yes, there are such parents. Who favor one child over another, don't care to hide it well, and even when the prodigal child turns out to be not as great, live in the delusion that the child (and child's child) is perfect. It is difficult for family members to change this member, and after years, they simply make peace with it.

You cannot realistically stop your mother from interacting with your child, since that could mean your father also not interacting with her. Maybe keep the interaction, calls and visits minimal, and explain to your DD in age appropriate way if grandma makes some unfortunate comments. There will always be such people in DD's life, at school, in the playground etc, so she might as well learn at home how to deal with them, and how to not let them or their comments impact self.

That being said, if my child faced it, and I have to follow it, the advice might go out the window, and I would cut off contact.

Rise · Mar 6, 2013

If educated parents show preferences between their OWN kids... better they not call themselves educated....Love kids equally...

LunaDoveDesigns · Mar 6, 2013

Some parents do openly favor one child over another, and it isn't always boys over girls. I grew up with all girls, but one sister is definitely the favorite of all of us. My parents deny it, but their actions show otherwise.

I am sorry your family is like that. Your daughter will eventually figure her Grandma out. There isn't any preventing that, and I don't know how to help you help her mitigate the feelings that come with feeling "second best" or unloved, but at least you can make sure she knows that you love her no matter what.

flowerlady · Mar 6, 2013

Our society has conditioned parents to believe that DD is 'paraya dhan' and the son gaurntees happy old age.
Some DILs are harassed if they do not have sons and they also feel that all their problems will vanish once they bear a son who will carry forward their lineage.
Maybe your Mom believes the same.
You have been a good and responsible DD , while your brother has misused this weird logic to his advantage.Hope he fulfills your Mom's dreams!
Don't give much weightage to your Mom's words, ignore and be at peace.

blackbeauty84 · Mar 6, 2013

Yes sadly there are some parents, who support their son irrespective of whatever they do. Best you can do is, leave it let your DD learn this behaviour of grandmom in her own way. Unfortunately you can't protect your DD from all kinds of people in the world.Don't worry, as long as you and your hubby treat DD well,she will grow up fine.

polymorphic · Mar 6, 2013

Thanks for your replies. The more my mom tells these things, the more I love my DD.. She knows very well i love her a lot.. and i make sure my dd and husband do bond a lot.. and he adores her now!! Also, i agree with everybody, i cant protect my dd from everybody but i am ready to reduce contact with my mom if my dd is hurt..its that simple.. i dont want second kid mainly because of these reasons.. because, in many indian families nowadays if first is a girl they urge them to have a boy.. i dont want my kid to feel she was not enough for us ..thats why we wanted another kid.. i am not possessive.. but these talks will reach her ears when she grows up and i dont want her to feel that way..

Rihana · Mar 7, 2013

If you want to have only one kid for some other reason, that is fine. But, don't let this be the reason. You are in a way letting them win if you do not have a second child due to such potential comments from people. A sibling is one of the best gifts a parent can give a child, for when the child is growing up, then later when taking care of old parents, and after parents are gone. As a parent also, it is precious to watch the kids together when they don't know they are being watched. Recently, we thought someone was trying to break in to our house, we parents rushed to put the safety chain etc, and the older kid shepherded younger kid into the bathroom, while younger kid grabbed cell phone on the way. And not a sound while they sat there in the dark. Never thought they could cooperate so well.

If your child asks why you didn't have one more, the answer should be a good one...

polymorphic · Mar 7, 2013

Rihana: Thats very nice. But I have mostly seen siblings grow apart, from my experience. Like I said, my brother has never been close to me and I never close to him after a certain age. This is due to the wide difference in our atttiude towards life and also he used to be so irritated to talk a few words nicely.. Because he would wear all these branded clothes and hand around with rich friends he used to feel ashamed to be associated with his own middle class family i think.
Even now, we dont share any closeness. Like I said, he was and is very selfish. Before marriage, he was bothered only abt his own self. He would buy shoes worth 3000 rs (with creadit card) when my dad is struggling to make ends meet..my bro would go out and eat with his rich friends and be not concerned abt what his family is eating. He tried to convince my parents to stop me from taking up the first job i got as a fresher.. those days were tough.. i took loan to study and was of marriageable age and my dad was retired, i was ready to postpone my marriage so i can earn a bit and save up for my own marriage to lessen burden on dad. i was not sure if he was even surprised/jealous that his little sister is getting a good job..he has called me names on some occasions and has poisoned his wife against me even before their marriage.. those were tough days and all i have got from my bro is just trouble. he always lived life king size, but used to portray like he is a victim

My expericnce has been bad with my sibling.. i think if he was a bit more caring.. not all boys are like this.. i am not generalizing.. my cousin bro have done a lot for their sisters.. taking up responsibilty like a father.. but my bro on the other hand has just given me trouble and tension.. so i feel there is no such need for my dd. i may be wrong.. but i dont want to take that risky chance

Anitap · Mar 7, 2013

You are a good daughter. You will reap rewards someday. Even if that does not happen, the clear conscience that gives you good sleep and allows you to see yourself in the mirror and not cringe is a reward in itself.