Mentally ill parents

jigisha321 · Dec 25, 2012

Hi,

I am having a kind of life where there seems to be no solution to make my parents happy.My mother is suffering from dementia since last 4 yrs and had a cerebral haemorrhage last year and is currently in hospital since the operation. She has total memory loss and is not able to respond to anything.My father lost his mental balance due to depression and is now also suffering from cerebral atrophy.He is not able to do any simple task and has trouble speaking clearly, counting money etc. Currently he is staying with my aunt and uncle. I am working. I got married last year(before my mother's haemorrhage) and my elder sister is also married and stays in a different city.
After my marriage I have tried a lot to balance both my parents and in-laws but now things seem to be slipping out of my hand.
My aunt is no longer ready to keep my father with him. My in-laws are caring about me but they are not ready to accept my father in the family.My father is gradually slipping into more depression and mental disabilities due to a sense of loneliness and unwantedness. I and my sister(both working) are bearing all expenses for my mother's hospital treatment( which amounts to around 50K per month).Already we are in bottoms of depression due to the fact that she can never respond again. But we are more worried for our father, whom we are not able to keep with us due to constraints from in-laws.Both my husband and my sister's husband are sympathetic about the situation but they will not go against their family's wishes to keep my mentally challenged father with us.
Everyday I call my father and I can realize how much he is suffering. This is throwing me more and more into depression. All day I am suffering from guilt and a sense of helplessness.All he needs is companionship and a friendly home with one of us sisters.That we are not able to give him.What is the way out of this agony ? Am I behaving like a coward ? Can anyone suggest a way ?

aamrapali · Dec 25, 2012

If you were not working and a main source of financial support for your parents, you could have at least temporarily gone to stay with your father. Since you cannot quit your job and your father cannot stay under the same roof as your husband/in-laws, can you get him a place close by your home - a small portion for rent at least, something like down the street so that way it is a win-win for both - you can see him and take care of him daily and your in-laws do not have to keep him under their same roof.

Aamrapali

jigisha321 · Dec 25, 2012

Hi Amrapali,

Post my marriage, when my mother had the haemorrhage, I had gone and stayed with my parents for 5 months during which my mother had one more operation and my father had 2 (eye operation and angiogram). During this period my in-laws were furious because I was staying full time with my parents and devoting my time totally to them. Currently I am 8 months pregnant and they will not hear about me taking care of my father in this condition. But during my whole pregnancy I have been stressed out and suffering from guilt that I am neglecting my parents.I have little thought for the coming baby and have kept awake most nights thinking of some solution..

swt.charu · Dec 25, 2012

Really sorry to hear your troubles Jigisha... my prayers to almighty to bring you the much deserved peace of mind...

In my opinion...your parents need you most...I am really surprised to see heartless bunch of people (yes I mean you DH and his parents) who can't understand this simple need.... See if you sisters can live with your parents alternatively for few months if you cannot get your dad to live with you.

The most easy choice here is to succumb to your in laws and pity yourself for your helplessness.. but later you are the one who is going to regret the choices you made.... so make the right choice now... it will give you happiness and satisfaction...

As the above poster said, you may look at an optioin to move your dad closer to your home... it may turn out to be expensive.. but nonetheless its an optioin...

think about all the options you have.. but do something... its for your own peace of mind...

swt.charu · Dec 25, 2012

can you ask your in laws this quesiton ?

"What would your do if you were in my postion?" .. and if their answer is "We would simply ignore our paretns and go about living our life" then you are better off kicking their back and running miles away from them... seriously...

they are morons !!!

coolwinds · Dec 25, 2012

Dear OP,

very sorry to hear about your parents' illness and your predicament.

some questions- how long is your mother expected to stay in the hospital? who is currently living in your parents' home/flat? would it be feasible to sell this and use the proceeds to have them live in a place close to both you and your sister? if both parents can stay together at this new place, can you and sister employ two full time nurses/caregivers to look after them in your absence?

of course, ideally, you should have the right to bring your father and mother to stay with you and sister, marriage does not mean giving away that right. but, not everyone has the same circumstances, in which case, you will need to consider other options like the ones suggested above.

i can understand how worried you are for your parents and hope for the best resolution to these issues. don't lose heart, do the best you can.

jigisha321 · Dec 25, 2012

Thanks Charu...I think you are right..maybe unconsiously I am taking the easy option...but when I think about my parents nowadays, everyone says that i am not caring about the coming baby..no one understands the pain..it is as if I am always at fault...one part of my mind says that I am neglecting my parents...another part says that I am being unfair with the coming baby in not thinking about it at all...i was not happy when i learnt about my pregnancy...how can i be when my parents are suffeing so much...

I want to bring my dad closer to my home...but am not able do it in this condition...my husband is abroad..and i need some help from my in-laws also in searching/arranging for a house etc..which I am afraid to ask them...asking of more help will only create fights..my MIL complainig to his son about my obsessiveness for my parents and selfishness..

Already there is a sense of guilt in me (have been blamed many times by them that I am spoiling their son's life with my parents' problems)...i feel the fight is draining out of me..

everyone wants me to forget my parents and concentrate on my coming baby...i am not able to do that..every single moment is an agony in which i blame myself for getting married.. maybe there is no solution..i just feel myself getting mentally unstable..

jigisha321 · Dec 25, 2012

My parents' home is currently shut down...my mom has to stay on in hospital as there is no chance of her recovery and she needs 24 hrs nursing support ( on riles' tube,cathetre for last 1.5 yrs)...

i had tried employing nurse/caregivers at home(for 5 months) prior to shifting her to hospital...but when I am away at work they mostly mismanage/steal medicines and my father is not in a state to keep a watch on them..she also had frequent seizures at night...so had no option other than shifting her to the hospital...

jigisha321 · Dec 25, 2012

I had asked this question once...they have answered that in that case i should not have married...i have no right to spoil their son's life...

and nowadays when i discuss things with them..they just nod their heads sympathetically...

i have stopped expecting any understanding from their end..

coolwinds · Dec 25, 2012

i just read your post where you mention you are currently 8 months pregnant! i understand your worry and stress, but please be mindful of its effects on your unborn baby. i know it's easier said than done, but there is another little person who is also very vulnerable and needs your care and attention. every night, before you sleep, spend 5 mins in meditation, another 5 mins sending loving thoughts and words to your baby in your womb. you need it, your baby needs it. leave your troubles behind for a little while, relax and focus on this precious bond with your baby.

my prayers with you in this difficult time.