Close [X]
LOG IN
Close [X]
PLEASE LOG IN OR REGISTER

Sorry, you need to be a registered member and logged in to access this page.
Please login or register below.

REGISTER

It's easy, quick and FREE!




Like Tree5Likes
  • 1 Post By PaulWanka
  • 3 Post By PeacockLady
  • 1 Post By teacher
  1. #1
    PaulWanka is offline New ILite
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    City
    Toronto
    State
    Ontario
    Country
    Canada
    Posts
    1

    Default Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    Growing I had a domineering mother with constant mood swings and a weak, whipped father. I grew up relatively estranged from family and my mother was effectively the only female influence growing up - no sisters, no grandma, no aunts, no female cousins.

    I was an immigrant kid in the West reared in a very conservative, culturally alien upbringing. My mother's basic philosophy was "don't talk to girls". She told me if I ever came home and told her I liked a girl she'd cut my tongue off. And when you grow up pretty terrified of your mother that sort of thing really gets to your heart.

    I think my fear of my mother extended towards all women in general. I was shy and precocious around people I didn't know. I don't think I ever intiated a conversation with a girl all through grade school, middle school, and most of high school - unless it was to borrow a pen or something. So the lack of female exposure during my prime socializing years really set me back.

    My mom pushed me hard academically. I was always one of the top kids in school, and I was fiercely competitive, always wanting to come out with the highest grades - to the detriment of everything else. But I wasn't a total nerd. And I had a decent set of a dozen or so friends and a couple of close ones (all guys). Many came from a similar cultural upbringing and none of these guys had gfs either. I was teased a bit for being on the shirt/skinny side, but nothing overtly cruel like a John Hughes movie. I had the respect of my peers for my academic smarts.

    Unfortunately, I grew up in a working-class neighbourhood. My mom was afraid of me mixing with the wrong crowd so she forbid me from socializing with peers outside of school. So there were no going out to the movies, no dances, no proms, no hanging out at Mike's etc. So my daily routine was pretty much go to school, come home, listen to talk radio, do homework, read a book, go on MSN or AOL chat, rinse, repeat. I was relatively content with this lifestyle as an introvert.

    I was also extremely skinny up to about 2 years ago. I'd have relatives contantly comment on my skinniness. Far from coming to my defence as most good mothers would do my domineering mother would always accuse me of never eating (although looking back she never really fed me properly). This really crippled my self-esteem as an emotionally fragile teenager with image issues. Basically grew up thinking I was ugly.

    It wasn't until I around 24 that things started to turn around. I got a new job, moved out, lifted weights, gained 30 lbs, read PUA and Roissy, reached a zen-level understanding of female ev-psych and social dynamics, approached girls online and off, lost my virginity, and scored some pussy.

    And at this point I've stopped paying attention to my mother. When she'd go off on hysterical tirades, I'd sit calmly and tune her out. And no longer do I submit to her ****. Ya, I'd gamed my mother.

    My mother has recently tried to push me into an arranged marriage some fat, ugly girls that no guy wants. I explicitly said "NO". She asks "why not?" I simply repeated "NO. This conversation is over." No arguing, no rationalizing. I never discuss my girl-related liasons - why bother with someone who simply won't understand? My mother might even think I'm gay but I don't care. If she only knew about the pussy I've tagged she might be horrified but what mama don't know won't hurt her.

    She's even asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. At one time she even "there's all these other guys in our community going on about gf this and gf that, what's the matter with you?" I was thinking to myself "wow you raised me all my life to avoid girls, threatened to cut my tongue off if I ever confessed to liking one, and now you're upset with me for NOT having a gf? and all because it's suddenly become socially acceptable to have a gf in our community?!?! WTF???"

    I felt robbed of my adolescence. If I'd been weaker I would've broke down and cried.

    I still resent my parents - my mother for being so domineering, and my father for being so weak-willed as he was also subject to a lot of verbal abuse. And I hate myself for being a pussy also - for not standing for myself and accepting a subpar fate.

    Looking back I realize I was a relatively smart, normal kid with decent social skills who grew up in a poor social environment. I wouldn't wish my upbringing on anyone.

    Yet somehow I've managed to turn it around.

    yesican likes this.

  2. #2
    PeacockLady's Avatar
    PeacockLady is offline Junior ILite
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    City
    Autin
    State
    Texas
    Country
    Bahamas, The
    Posts
    127

    Default Re: Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    Sorry that you had a bad adolescent years because of your mother. The problem you faced were not that uncommon in Indian community living in the west. Some Indian parents try to hang on to Indian values they were brought up in (even though Indian values in India has changed). They fail to understand the impact on their children. Your mother is not the only one to threaten children with physical mutilation for talking to the opposite sex. My parents have made few threats like that as well.

    It's also not fair if your mother was verbally abusive towards you. Verbal abuse can be equally difficult to deal with as physical abuse. Glad you managed to survive it.

    Now you are grown up and I think you need to revaluate your opinion on women in general. I get the feeling that you don't have much respect for women. You should change that attitude. Girls are not sexual objects for you to keep scores.

    Another thing I get from your post is that you are still not comfortable to confront your mother. You need to be straight with her and learn to face her head on.

    Whatever you suffered was not your fault. You were a child and it's your parents fault for not providing the right kind of care and nurture. For your sake I hope you can forgive yourself and your parents. You have a bright future ahead of you don't spoil it by the shadows of your past.

    Last edited by PeacockLady; 1st September 2012 at 03:01 AM.

  3. #3
    teacher is offline Gold ILite
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    City
    Dijbti
    State
    Arrend
    Country
    Angola
    Posts
    1,630

    Default Re: Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    PeacockLady, I wish I could double/triple like your response:)

    OP,

    Even those with 'perfect parents' have to go thru a lot of soul searching as they grow into adulthood. You are fortunate that you have an inner strength that has held you to have a meaningful life in some aspects. Do explore a little more...maybe see a therapist, volunteer with poorer immigrant children (one of my friends volunteers with asian refugees where similar cultural issues come up and she said that it really helped process a lot that went on in her teen years)...find out what works for you. It will help you build healthy relationships in future.

    PeacockLady likes this.

  4. #4
    GodIsOne is offline Senior ILite
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    City
    Dallas
    State
    Texas
    Country
    United States
    Posts
    403

    Default Re: Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    Mind your language dude!

    I feel bad for what you had to go through. I neither have an advice nor suggestion. I have a 4 yr old son and thank you for sharing your story. I did learn something.

    Again...you should have been a little bit more discreet...JMO


  5. #5
    anjananathan's Avatar
    anjananathan is offline Gold ILite
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    City
    chennai
    State
    tamilnadu
    Country
    India
    Posts
    1,042

    Default Re: Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulWanka View Post
    My mother has recently tried to push me into an arranged marriage some fat, ugly girls that no guy wants.
    what you told above is not right.. i hope u understand

    not sure if this is genuine post .. if this is genuine, i feel sorry for you.. life has given you some bad experience and u know how parents should not be.. when u get married, be the way u expected from ur parents..


  6. #6
    yesican is offline Junior ILite
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    City
    a
    State
    b
    Country
    United States
    Posts
    127

    Default Re: Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

    PaulWanka,

    Good job that you have now become more socially outgoing and lead a successful life now. As you move forward in life do be aware and conscious that you do treat women with respect even though you might not respect your mum too much right now - referring to young women whom you've had a relationship with as "pussy" is extremely disrespectful to all women, and ultimately to yourself. Make sure that past baggage with your mum does not transfer over to your wife or girlfriend, talk with a therapist if required.


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT +5.5. The time now is 10:00 PM.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283