Please help me - I need my life back

Hello
I'm 38 and married with a 14 yr old son.
My past....I'm the eldest of 2 daughters and my father passed away a year after my son was born. I've passed my MCA with distinction but did not work except for a short stint at teaching before my son was born. My husband is not from my city, but he moved here after we got married and took up a job here. We lived next to my parents' home for a few years...my son was born...and then in the year 2005, my husband got his H1 visa to the USA. I was always very attached to my parental home and was brought up in a very closed and protected atmosphere. One of the few things we were taught to dislike was change of any sort and definitely no moving to any place. Given all these, I made my husband promise me that he would never reside in the usa permanently and my son and I would visit him April/May during school holidays. I stayed with my mom the rest of the time. Faithful to his words, my husband did not apply for a green card and would visit India whenever he could. He returned to India and my city last year after transferring to the regional office of his company.
In the meantime, my mom always assured me that I could stay in the first floor of her home whenever my husband returned. (My sister is a divorcee and she lives 3 houses away with her 13 yr old daughter).
I do not know when and exactly how, but I was taking on a very stressful task 3 years ago to resolve the documentation issues of a property that belongs to me, my mom and my sister. There were some legal tangles as the property had been brought as a partnership along with some of my father's colleagues. There is no real dispute on who owns what....the other partners too their share and we have ours, we are peaceful neighbours....it's just that the documents are not perfect. Besides this, I had just one friend I had stayed in touch with since my school days, and a couple of incidents happened where I cut off from her completely. This led to my entire social circle being erased as I had never made an effort to stay connected to my college friends etc and they have all moved away to far off places now.Thanks to the stress of these two events simultaneously, I became very irritable and intolerant of people. Nothing made sense to me if it was not associated with the legal issue I was trying to make sense of. Life became a series of lawyer hunts and visits and I was doing this all alone....my mom and sis told me they are not going to run around.
Around this time, it was time for my husband to pack his belongings and return, so I went to the usa for my last trip ever. As we went about clearing stuff, packing and vacating the apartment, I realised how much I had lost and how much my husband had silently sacrificed for me. It was too late a realization that I had no bonds left with family or friends in India. After we moved back to my mom's home, she got the tenants to vacate the first floor. I always had this craving for a dream home and since there was no way to see it materialize, I took on the task of making a few modifications to the first floor even as we continued to live in the ground floor home along with my mother. Suddenly, my mom started protesting about the work to her sisters and would loudly cry and curse me but she never gave me a chance to explain to her what I was actually doing to the home. She just refused to let me into her bedroom(She's 75+ and is restricted to her room along with a 24 hour nurse. She is more mentally unwilling to move around and socialize that any physical incapacity. Also, a very very negative and pessimistic person). Having started with the work, there was no way I could stop it and had to complete what I set out to do. This took a couple of months before I was so stressed out, I hurried through as much as I could and finally moved up. My husband was not very happy with this arrangement, but he agreed as he knew I wouldn't move to a rented apartment and we plan to sort out a few things and have a home of our own in another couple of years.
Finally, in my renovated home, I'm not happy at all. I'm even more unnerved than before and feel surrounded by negative energies.
There's no one I know and nobody I can talk to. My husband's trying to sort out my issues for me ... but it's taking a long time and other than his long work hours, the weekend just passes by with him setting out to talk to people and negotiating on my family's behalf.
I'm tired of all this. I don't even feel human anymore. I'm hurt with my sister's attitude. Since her divorce a couple of years ago, she's totally kept to herself and barely spends time even with my mom though she lives 30 seconds away.
My mom has been upset with me even before all this work started...I don't remember or know what put her off me. She insults me every chance she gets. But she still calls my sister every other day on the phone and checks on her. Sometimes, I feel the only reason she's upset with me is because I have a spouse around me still.
My son is a good child, diligent and academically good, but I feel bad that I'm not being a responsible mother at all. Added to that, is a bit of teenage rebellion that has just started.
I have been through every kind of therapy......meditation, counselling, depression medication....and though I know I should not hang onto bitter memories of the past, I'm not able to unburden myself.
Of late, I'm so lonely at home, I feel that the only thing that will help me is a job. I do need the income it can bring in and will help my self esteem too. But I'm unable to make a move on it.
My mind's numb...pls help me.

 

Hi yesican, thanks for writing.....

Yes, "mommy's girl" aptly described what I was. And a few minor irritants with my husband at that time kept me thinking I was having the best of both worlds. My comfortable cocoon in India and an annual vacation to sightsee and shop where hubby footed the bill! What else did I want?

I was so, so stupid I realize. Thanks for the shake-up....

And no, there's not much here to be 'greedy' for. Things are so shaky, I realized in the last two years that it might disappear in a moment if it has to. If I had been working and been 'aware', my husband and I could have achieved more. It's only after he returned to India that we've been talking about ground realities.

It's more a sense of shock that people let go/weaken relationships so easily. It's even more shocking that I never had/have a clear head of my own!

Agree about the change factor.....the question is....from here, to where do I head?

 

Nalini,
Thanks! It's just that every time I counted my blessings, I lost something....
I'm afraid to show gratitude now, I don't know what will be snatched from me next!
I do not have the energy to think about how I'll handle my mom...for the moment, I'm just keeping away from her and monitoring the household help where she lives.

I do need positivity....immense amounts of it!