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old age mothers VS new age mothers?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Booni, Oct 9, 2010.

  1. Booni

    Booni Junior IL'ite

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    I am living abroad for the past for 4 years with my husband and 3 year old son. My inlaws are visiting us for the first time here. Its been just, three to four weeks since they have arrived. I have gone like crazy when I just even observe some things. I do not know, if the problem is with me.

    Before, I start with my observations and accusations, I also would like to look at myself once again. I am basically very short tempered, and talkative. I pour out my words just like that. I am 29 years old. So I know its not too late, so I am working on it, and trying to improve.


    This factor I observed is not only with my mother in law. But so many mothers (especially) are like this. she is close to 60years old and is a BP patient. She is obese and she is mobile still really crippled for her age. My mother is much more active and brisk , she is exactly of the same age. The reason for this, My mother cares for all of us, at the same time, also she cares for herself, if she makes a dish, she makes for everyone in similar quantities. At the same time, my MIL she lives everyday life of sacrifices. first to her husband then to my husband (hes the youngest) and then to her other sons, and then her grandson, then finally for her. I am sure because of such prolonged sacrifices, she is a patient now. If at all, if she had spent 5 % of her efforts ,for her, she would have been lot healthier now.

    reasons.

    1.awareness about health is missing

    2.prioritizing the male members of the family

    for example - the other day we were all eating mushroom and paneer rice, she kept on picking paneer pieces and mushroom pieces, and just put them in my husband's place. I was furious, i could not control myself and started talking so fast, accusing her, saying that, - because of doing this, you are obese,and you made your son also, obese. After this, i felt bad, but still i am convinced i was right, just the way, i talked fast, was a mistake. (reasons - my husband has triglycerides,and i do not want him to consume too much of paneer)

    Both my MIL and FIL are so gender specific. All the time, talking good about boys, and saying parents with only daughters "avangalaukku vaarisu illa". meaning they have no heir. why? is a daughter not a heir? this also makes me furious, whenever either of them, starts talking like this (btw, everyday they talk on this issue) i get real mad, again. and i say something as usual.

    I am afraid how i am going cope up with them for the next 5 months............i usually wear pajamas at home...i do not wear nighty, i wear track pants, and a tshirt. since they are here, i dig out my old chudidhaars and wear it every now and then. its so difficult for me wear, still I do. bcoz i do not want to wear tight, or short pants, ...v neck tshirts etc.., but no matter what i wear, my husband keeps on making me conscious saying that, its loose here ,its tight over here, adjust this, adjust that...this button is loose,...it has a deep neck..blah blaah..throught the day, for 24hrs he keeps saying like this....only since they are here, otherwise he is just fine with whatever i wear:)my god..this goes on for ever. I dont know what the hell should i wear to keep him shut? i am so annoyed..................i mean one has to experience , to know, how irritating it can get. i am not exaggerating.

    my inlaws live in Tamilnadu in a small town with their sons and grandsons as a joint family. they have 2 other daughter in laws.they wear saree everyday and they both have arranged marriage. but we had a love marriage,and an inter caste marriage,..........so the differences are so prominent.

    when i drive the car, my FIL wont sit with me in the front. he sits at back. and we have a long couch, if he sits in one corner,i cant sit in the other corner, either i have to keep standing, or sit down on floor (this is what my co sisters do in india) ..but I sit in a love seat we have oppsite to the couch..they complain when i cross my legs when i sit..(its a habit i am not able to stop)..............huh.......
    <wbr>such issues.............

    both my co sisters are high school qualified..they never went to college also. .but i have done my masters and i have earlier worked in different corporates and ..,and have traveled a lot, now i am a housewife, due to visa issue...yes the cursed h4 visa.............and i am more outspoken and independent. so the problem is more of generation gap and,gender discrimination, than 'maamiyar-marumagal' (MIL - DIL)problem. because my MIL cooks, cleans, does everything by herself, she never even lets me , or expects me to do a thing.

    I had watched a neeya naana talk show episode under the title 'new age mothers Vs old age mothers'. its there on youtube.anyone can watch it. they come up with some real interesting facts.

    MIL said, when her youngest son(my husband) went to malaysia for his first job, she used to cry thinking what he is eating, she has cried literally whenever she has eaten,everyday.....my husband lived in malaysia for 5 years,..ofcourse he visited twice a year though. when she said that, i told her 'you must have taught him how to cook and make some simple food, than crying about what he eats', if i were in your position, i would have done that.when i said it, i meant it. i will surely teach my son how to cook. he is just 3years now, i teach him how to make toast, sandwich, dosa, and all. I am just differentiating how an old age mother thinks,and a new age mother things...



    share your views and let me know how you tackle or avoid such clash of issues...​
     
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  2. sudhakrishna

    sudhakrishna Gold IL'ite

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    Hai Booni,
    got to read yours. I felt you are not comfortable with their presence. After all they are your hubby's parents not educated much and cann't accept the new concepts in the daily life. It is common among indian parents to sacrifice for their children and dear one. we cannot change them at this age. Accept them as they are. Only in this janma you got them as your inlaws. Try to make them happy and comfortable. they will definitely understand you. If acceptance comes definitely they will listen to you. Try to analyse things from their angle also.(If i am wrong somewhere please excuse me. I just want to tell my point and not to hurt anyone.)
     
  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Booni,
    You are right. Most of uneducated women do not take care of their health and nutrition. They want to feed the males of the family more and more, while believe that females do not need as much nutrition. On the contrary, women less than 50 years of age are the ones who need most nutrition. But you cannot change their belief overnight. Just make sure YOU are getting proper nutrition. I am sure your MIL is over 50. Her nutrition needs are not same as you. So, don't get so exasperated. She might be passing some paneer/ mushroom to her son out of love. It is perfectly understandable.
    Regarding clothes, just wear something comfortable and decent. You are not in India so when in Rome do as the Romans do. Tell DH the same thing. Don't say anything about you being more educated than SILs. Education or lack of it doesn't determine the right of an individual. Similarly, sit on the couch and not on floor. Don't take it for granted that they will not like it.
    Generation gap is always going to be there.Things change. Today, you may think that this won't happen with you. But 20-30 years from now, your children will be saying the same thing about you. You can take my word for it.
     
  4. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi dear,

    I just read ur post, and I really sympathize and empathize wth u...

    Dun worry,it will seem difficult in the beginning, later wil get easy.....

    I agree wth whatever u say, yes all of them are 100% true in many families still.......:bonk:bonk:bonk But we cannot do anything 2 change it.... Just try to compromise...

    Actually I will say that I empathize wth u, because I am n a similar situation, only places are different... My parents' family is like - even elders are friendly, jovial and they even play wth us games like badminton, carrom, etc....

    But, nw its same like ur place, serving all food to men, sitting down, etcetecetc stuff........ (In short, treating as if ladies are born to work for the others.....)But I tell all this wth my experience(4 months...):thumbsup

    U can win over them......:):):)

    Things I wud like 2 tell u :
    1. Do not shout at them.. or even raise ur voice while speaking, after all they are ur hubby's parents, whatever stupid things they do, try to make them understand...try..try.try...

    2.Food, ofcourse la dear.. u cannot change them, i suggest, u do cooking in excess, and keep it n a small bowl extra wthout her knowledge.. later u can eat it wth ur mil( girls need energy to do so much of house work.... ofcourse, no maids in foreign..mostly!!)

    3.Sitting on the couch--- ya, they cant accept sitting on the same couch, this s one big problem for me too... nw, I sit on a single chair opposite to them, even though there are raised-eyebrows.......
    (( I am sure,Respect is nt in sitting down !! I sit by the side of my father, my hubby's father is elder and like my father too.. I respect him a lot...But still I dont do it here, bcoz they wil feel bad...))

    4. Dress, wt u r doing is already ok.. sometimes churidhar and some decent ones... U cannot wear saree always there...

    All in All, Always Remember, BE PATIENT, LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT...

    In due course of time, say 1 month or so, u will see a change, that will be the base of a loving relationship b/w you..

    Hope my post helped u..:idea

    Regards
    Preethi
     
  5. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Shortcut Idea::

    In every action you do, try to (act) as if you are very loving and caring for them in the beginning...

    Yes, I am telling you ''TRY TO ACT"( Try to do it consciously that u want to be nice, even if u dont like their behaviour)

    Very soon, you can see changes in ''U'' as well as ''THEM"

    Because the psychology is you wil get used to being nice wth them and then you can do it unconsciously, it becomes ur nature.. For them, they will think, that they have got a sweet DIL, and that is wt u have become nw.......

    Keep posted.. Sure it will work out..
    Best Wishes...:thumbsup

    Regards
    Preethi
     

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