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  1. #1
    rpm2 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Ok, my issue is not as complicated but it is a major issue for sure!

    Ours is a love marriage and I am married into an Iyer family. We have the usual inlaws issues and after a lot of problems, I very rarely talk to them.

    They have never called us and very conservative about money, can even call them miser! They did not even call when our children were born, their only grand kids. They made a big issue about some very small thing during our last trip to India and from then on, I have drastically reduced my calls with them.

    They were reluctant to even gift me a saree for my baby shower but due to relatives pressure they sent me one. They sent some old jewelery that was given to my DH from his grand parents when my daughter was born. For my son, they are yet to give anything.

    Now, I honestly dont care or expect anything from them but at times it really bothers me a lot!! They are very rich and my FIL retired from a very good position. Its not that they dont have money, its just that they dont think they need to give anything.

    Everytime they tell me that Iyers dont have the custom (of giving!). But they will take and demand from my mom almost on every occasion.

    Now, please can any body tell me about the customs that they need to follow? Just so that I can shut her up when she tells me about NO CUSTOM

    Thanks :)


  2. #2
    humble is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    I am not an Iyer neither am I a tamilian. But one thing I can say for sure is there will not be any such custom which stops people from gifting others. You inlaws are misers and hence they must have made up this custom.

    Next time when they say they do not have such custom of giving rather only receiving is the traditon then simply tell them your parents side has a custom of gifting people and receiving gifts as well. Now, since there is no 'receiving gifts' scenario for your parents so they are planning to stop this one sided tradition which according to the puranas is the right thing to do.......

    Tell them someone very learned in your parents side very recently told that if they are not receiving gifts then they should STOP AT ONCE giving gifts too as it may harm the person/party ALWAYS only receiving gifts. Tell your inlaws your parents are doing so much favor by not gifting henceforth thus avoiding any major catastrophe in the family..........

    Also don't forget to tell your parents this story and suggest they stop gifting your greedy inlaws.


  3. #3
    rpm2 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Thanks Humble..

    I have very clearly told my parents to NOT gift anything to them but they still call up and tell my mom that there is a custom to give some gold item to the child etc and my parents will buy it since they think it is for their grand child.

    I will be going to India and my daughter will have her birthday during that time. I am already worried about the entire trip. My parents are good for the most part but will keep nagging me that my inlaws are miser!!


  4. #4
    Ranchu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    rpm2,

    you know what.. it might aggravate your tensions but ur in-laws are correct. in iyer customs (the ones generally followed wide-spread and if not done is frowned upon) , there is no ritual for dad's parents (ur in-laws).
    They just pass on the hereditary jewels worn by the baby's dad. Which I believe ur in-laws did.


    Its only the mother's parents who need to buy some gold / silver jewellery for the baby and during 1st yr bday , they should buy the ear-ring .

    I know its bad but thats how it is. Now a days none of them stick to these and shower gifts to their grand children.


  5. #5
    rpm2 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Thanks Ranchu...

    Your post complicates my issue

    Ok, atleast I know that they are following their CUSTOM but now in our side, the customs are totally different. My Inlaws just bought 1 saree for our wedding and I had to pay her for the madisaar. Even today she tells everyone that she bought it for me!!

    I am surprised that there is no custom to give any gifts to their own grand kids. It will be a tough time in India


  6. #6
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    I guess Tamil Brahmin families do have this custom or atleast use this as an escape...Im born one n married to one...My in-laws also got me juz 1 saree(they wanted to me to get one similar to my SIL/co-sis...so as a bride I had nothing special) and my parents got me the madisar...in some families, the grooms side buy the madisar but in my in-laws it wasnt so...also for the thirumangalyam, they get u one n ur parents have to get u one...some in-laws offer to get the gold chain for the thirumangalyam but my in-laws didnt...the worst ritual I disliked the most was me falling at my husbands feet n he giving me the madisar as a gift...afterall he didnt buy it but y shud he give it...shudnt it ideally be my parents??
    Also, the gals side need to get everything for the groom at the time of wedding(that also includes his toleteries)...my hubby n I had a separate invite printed for us to distribute to our friends n he didnt even bother to take out his purse for any of the wedding expenses...we went alone to purchase our reception suits n he was only watching me pay for the 2 of us...if I ask him now, he says it was you n not ur dad who paid rite...so what difference does it make? Until then I was thinking my dad n my money were the same before we got married...I think about this whenever I feel guilty about not working post-marriage n being dependent on him...he deserved it
    Infact even after getting married, my in-laws dont have the heart to buy me anything...they only like to pamper their daughter but when I asked my mom if she would also be like that(I have a younger bro), she said she also will not be v.happy gifting the DIL as much as her own daughter but for decency sake, she would...so that explains the attitude...may be my in-laws didnt bother about that decency...FORGET AND FORGIVE...thats how they are n dont deserve our attention...

    Enjoying Motherhood!!

  7. #7
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    Red face Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Wow! this seems to be a universal problem.

    I too am a non-brahmin married to a brahmin family. Right from marriage I have noticed that they dint make ANY EXPENSE / GIFT to me as a part of any custom what so ever.

    But it not in their custom not to gift. Its just the mentality.

    I know this now because, my sister-in-law is getting married now, to brahmin family and her in-laws did the ENGAGEMENT, GIFTER her GOLD, GIFTED her a splendid SAREE. Also, they are buying her madisar, and mangalyam!!! Now, this really made me know of the customs. My in-laws (brahmis) dint do any engagement, nor gifted even a gram of gold!! Which was a big issue for my side cos, they demanded 50 soverigns of gold and demanded a lot more things like bedding, almirah, tickets for my DH to travel from UK for wedding.... But did NOTHING in return.

    My FIL one claimed in my house before marriage once that they will give 5 soverign gold. I called them once or twice saying, can we go and ourchase that gold u wanted to gift. once he acted like no signal on phone and next time when I asked in person he acted like he dint hear ME!!!!!

    They gave 1 saree for engagement and 1 saree for grahapravesham, which I have not worn till today, a fact which will speak for its quality and look. They simply need not have given any!

    Coming to later on, for valaikappu, they asked my parnts to do it seperately. According to my custom, boy's side should do valaikappu for his wife. But my parents still did. And they seperately did a seemandham again for which they have asked my DH to give money! when a DH side cousin had her seemandham, I had seen her in-laws gifting her a SILK SAREE and one more for POO CHOODAL, none of which my in-laws gave!
    Worst part is, after all they elaborate valaikappu expense on my parent shead, they further went and asked for 7 plates of seer, dresses and even 100 sweets and 100 karam to put in thamboola pai... Even that expense they had to load it on my parents. when I asked, they of course have an answer - IT IS THE CUSTOM!!!!

    More so, they will blame the custom that, "enga side la pazhakkamey kedayadhu"!! All more so, I have to say that my mother is actually a brahmin and all her parents / cousins are all brahmins! (My mom and dad themselves had a inter-caste marriage). So we clearly know what are the customs and what they have to give.

    Earlier these things used to hurt me a lot and irritate me. They get lot of gifts from my parents. My parents do all this complying to both sides customs cos it is all anyway for me, inspite of, both me and DH have forbidding them form doing these sooo many times!

    Its not in the custom / tradition / family practice, of GIVING and RECEIVING, my dear Its all from the heart.... So simply stop caring for these things, COS THEY ARE IN-LAWS.

    If you think ur parents are made to spend attrociously, leave it, let them bleed them. Later on, gift good things for your parents, offer to spend for a vacation for them or if they wont take cash, buy then an inverter /a.c / change their interiors / a nice sofa etc.... , COS THEY ARE PARENTS,

    Find peace within yourself and in between u and ur DH. That is all matters in the end.

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  8. #8
    iyerponnu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Hi

    I can understand the frustration u all must be going thro. I am an Iyer married into an Iyer family. Some of the customs are ones that I still frown upon. In the olden days, engagement was not a grand affair. It was just the parents and elders of both families exchanging 'pakku vethalai' and confirming the alliance in front of the 'ooru periyava' or elders. The bride's family visit the groom's place (laden with gifts of course). The groom's family should serve the bride's family with a lavish lunch. The concept of gifting the bride or groom with clothes was not prevelant. These days, the engagement is celebrated like a mini wedding. In the Iyer families, the expenses are borne by the groom's family. (I m told the bride's family does it in Iyengar families). My in-laws spent quite a lot for my engagement (7 yrs back). They got me a grand saree, a gold bangle, a swarovski set etc... We had to take 'seer thattu' and of course gifts for the groom. They also bought clothes for my parents and we bought for my in-laws. At the time of the wedding, they said that they wanted a grand wedding, as their DS was their only son. (No offers to share expenses). My DH did say that he had told his parents not to impose any conditions etc. The custom normally followed is the bride's family bears the expenses (in some cases even the expense for the groom's family to come to the mandapam). In some families, the groom's family buys the madisaar (in my mum's side, they buy the madisaar), but typically they buy one thirumangalyam, a saree for grihapravesam and one for vilayadal (sister of the groom shld buy this). I got all this, but no madisaar..'enga athula pazhakam illa'...'not followed in our house' was the reply. They also give some other jewelery, though that depends. My in-laws gave me a set...

    As for the first year's seer, the bride's parents have to give for every small occasion. Saying that, even the groom's family has to give for the bride. As in for thalai aadi and thalai diwali, the groom's parents should gift the bride and the bride's parents for the groom. These days, is has become 'customary' for the bride's parents to gift them both!! My in-laws and my parents both bought gifts for these occasions..OP, ur MIL is right in saying valaikaapu is done by the bride's family. These days, it ahs become easier to get all this done on the same day - valiakaapu and seemandham. Normally the bride;s parents shld gift 2 sarees, the groom's parents dont (apart from one for poo choodal). They are supposed to spend for this though.

    The concept of providing all this 'seer' was to make sure that the bride's parents were involved in the festivities of the groom's family. They were invited to take part at least for the sake of this 'seer'. But these days, the simple logic behind the whole thing has been twisted and are being used for the advantage of the greedy !!

    Mythili

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  9. #9
    rpm2 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Thanks girls.

    Mythili, thanks for explaining the custom in a different way. It makes a little sense that it all might have started to involve the girl's families.

    I keep telling my DH that his parents only have the receiving custom and not giving custom. My parents have gifted me a lot of things but my parents are not as rich as my inlaws and my MIL has the nerve to critize their gifts. There has been a lot of tension in our lives to this gift giving customs!! I am now tired of it.

    When my son was born, my inlaws sent 2 sets of boxed dress (worth 150 rs each- there was sticker on the box)!! Even the gifts sent by my friends were more expensive than what they sent. For my daughter's namakarana they insisted that she should be named after my MIL and tricked us into accepting it. For that function they gave 2 frocks. I have told her numerous times not to give clothes since they get easily spoilt in the washer here!!

    Even though we are in the US, they call up my mother and ask her to give a vessel for pongal!! My MIL is using this vessel now and it irritates me so much.

    Honestly, its not about gifts I think, its just their attitude that irritates me the most.

    Poor DH...he is also sad by their behavior but he does so much for them without expecting anything from them. They dont even make chakli/cheedai and send. Even when he asks they tell him that they are very busy. They both are retired and stay at home with maids. I dont know what they do...


  10. #10
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    Default Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

    Dear rpm2,
    pls try to understand about Iyer rituals.I read your thread completly what Mythili said is true.thats our tradition.
    I can understand that its not easy to follow ours from yours that from 2differnt tradition.
    It will be ok in future.don't worry much.


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