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Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by rpm2, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    Hi rpm2,

    From ur posts, i understand that you are not only worried about ur in-laws behaviour but the iyers rituals too. Ranchu has given a clear idea to you and i guess she has said nothing to complicate your issue. It looks like you second to only those who second ur opinions.

    Hope you know the tamil customs atleast where the bride's side has the custom of giving the "seer" for all the first festival in her first year of the marriage. And since u have married a brahmin guy, ur in laws did not want you ppl (or her son to miss the customs) and so she should have made you understand what should be the seer that has to be given (or, in ur words, what should be the gift that has to be given).

    You have said "According to my custom, boy's side should do valaikappu for his wife. But my parents still did." Aren't you aware that in every caste or creed in India, you are supposed to follow the groom's side rituals?? and so there is no point in saying "According to my custom, boy's side should do valaikappu for his wife. But my parents still did.".

    When you are sure of marrying a brahmin boy, you should first of all know about their customs rather talking ill of it later, when u come to know of their customs.. So knowing it later was ur mistake and please don complaint about the rituals..

    Hope you understand this and take lightly what i said and think seriously and act wisely..

    Take care..
     
  2. dhivya rangarajan

    dhivya rangarajan Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you very much for the insight!

    This point was mentioned because of certain other things that ILs said should be done according to our side, but, later came with some bad repucursions. I dint explain in detail cos, my aim of writing here is to contribute pointers to OP's problem rather than taking off-tangent with my personal issues.

    Let us say, I was WRONG and UNWISE in saying that "according to my side boy shd do seemandham for his wife", do you have any explanations for the rest of the things mentioned. Try not to pick on 1 word / sentence of a poster and do offer wholesome perspective!

    See in the end, its all about the cleverness or manipulation ILs put into action in the name of CUSTOMS. Hope I cleared my intention of posting a reply to the OP, Rashmi.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2010
  3. PeeVee

    PeeVee Senior IL'ite

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    iyer wedding is like a movie.. behind the screen the bride's family handover the things they buy to the groom and on screen everything is given to the bride by groom:)..ofcourse as iyerponnu said, for the engagement, they give at least one saree and next one is given for wedding..usually a grihapravesa saree from grooms side..now a days most of them give a gold chain also to the bride the day before or on the day of wedding..everything else, the sarees for nischayathamboolam on day before wedding, the madissar, everything is from bride's family..
     
  4. rpm2

    rpm2 Senior IL'ite

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    Rashmi,

    Thanks for taking the time to reply.

    You seem to have misunderstood my post. I said Ranchu complicated my life in a jovial way. YOu can see a "bonk" icon in my sentence :)

    I am not an iyer and whatever I have posted here has happened in my husband's side of the post where other relatives have given (custom) to their DIL. Hence I was more confused when my MIL said otherwise.

    From other iyer members who have posted here, I can understand that customs vary from family to family. If so, how can my MIL have 1 custom and her own relatives have another one. I just wanted some clarification on that end.

    Now please take a chill pill, I am no where accusing iyers or trying to follow my side of the rituals. I just wanted to know the rituals in a more detailed way, so that I am better prepared when my MIL throws the "custom" ball at me.

    Some are ready to accept the custom as is and some of us need more insight into it..:coffee

    Peevee,

    Yes, it is a movie where the producers (parents) provide everything and the hero only enacts!! :biglaugh I did not get any engagement saree. I just got a grahapravesha saree from them.
     
  5. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    hehehe you are lucky you got something for the baby. My son is their only grandson and they sent us 6 baby clothes that were 20rs each :) they have no problem askign for wathces and jeans for their grandaughter from us though! but for my boy its really cheap stuff. the clothes even had price tag on it. toys were the roadside toys - the 5rs ones. and FIL brags about how a big shot he is!

    and then ppl wonder why i have no respect for my IL's?????
     
  6. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    hey hey take a chill pill guys. OP, I can understand your frustration. As I pointed out earlier on, there are some customs which are really ones that you dont want to follow. You are talking about different castes, did u know that there are wide differences within the same community, depending on what sub-sect you belong to, which part of the state or country u hail from. I belong to the Tanjore district, while my in-laws are from Kerala. Believe me, there are vast differences. Looking at them, you think does it matter, but sometimes they can irritate u.

    The original question you had asked for was about the grandchildren. Yes, they have to give the grandchildren some gifts. I asked both the mothers, and this is what they said: On the puniyavachanam day (namakaranam), it is customary for the paternal grandparents to give the baby gifts. The athai has to give 'kaapu' for the child. The maternal grandparents generally give gifts (gold etc) when they take the mother and child back to the in-laws' house. At that time, the in-laws have to provide for a lavish lunch, and gifts for the maternal grandparents. For the first b'day the maternal grandparents have to give earrings, new clothes and the seer bakshanam. The paternal grandparents spend for the function. (The seer is supposed to be given by the mama, but these days it is the thatha and patti who give it). The whole concept of 'mama seer' and 'athai seer' was there in order to make sure that the families stayed together, in close contact and the children grew up with the blessings of all. But these days it has changed and it ahs become one sided.

    Relax, and gently point out to ur in-laws that they should give something too. And if she says not in our custom, then tell her is it ur custom not to give anything to ur grandchildren??

    Mythili
     
  7. Padmasudha

    Padmasudha Bronze IL'ite

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    Gifts seem to agitate everyone!
    Gifts to bride/mother of child in early years of marriage versus gifts to grandchildren are a little different, arent they?
    Yes, customs vary from region to region even within the same community, but also many of the customs date from a while ago when incomes were not high and women did not have independent income of their own. Obviously, some things are muddled when trying to map to modern times.
    Let me put up a scenario in front of you: Dad retired from govt job, no other income except pension, maybe a bit of savings and house to live in. Mum was always a housewife. Children (both boys and girls) well educated by the dad, and now overseas earning well compared to dad's current financial situation.
    Who should be gifting whom, whatever ancient customs were?
    A child's gold chain costs say $1000 overseas, but Rs 50000 in India- which is more affordable to whom?
    How many of us support our parents financially back home? I personally know elderly relatives in their 80's living in India and still taking care of all their own expenses and expecting nothing from children.
    It is better to exhibit generosity and dignity in these matters.
    On the issue of inlaws demanding gifts from girl's parents- it is better that they stand up for their principles, rather than cough up and then feel resentful. That is what people of my parents' generation did.
    I come from a well educated middle class south indian brahmin family- I am a fourth generation graduate in my family. But our education is all we could boast about. You would laugh if I told you what I and my siblings got for our weddings as gifts from our parents, let alone inlaws, 27 years ago. Today, we are doing well, and dont miss what we did or did not get.
    BTW if someone asks for something, it is no longer a gift- whoever does the asking, inlaws or us or spouses!!!
    It is ironic that the generation that is doing so well financially compared to their parents' is the one complaining most loudly!
     
  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Why do u think they owe u anything ?
    If u dont care why does it bother u ?Ur FIL can be stinking rich ..doesn't mean he has to give u a penny. Their duty financially ends after they raise self sufficient children.I gather ur DH has been raised to be one ..so quit complaining.
    Instead of saying ,...I really dont feel like giving my hard earned money to u...May be they want to say no politely . Same goes for the gifts they have demanded of u and ur parents.Time to stand up for ur principles and say no . Dont give gifts and then harbor resentment ..defeats the very purpose./meaning of gifts.
     
  9. Shrividhya

    Shrividhya New IL'ite

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    Re: Iyer rituals/formalities from grand parents


    HI all..
    I know its a very late reply.. But then, I came across these threads only now...

    First of all I would like to say that, being a non-brahmin if u have married a brahmin guy, then u should have tried to know about these customs before... and also nothing happened without your knowledge... You have absolutely no rights to comment about something u don't know... First try to understand ur in-laws mind set... let them be money- minded, as u said... if u r really a generous person, why do u expect them to do? y r u so desperate to get gifts from them?
    every-time u say that u don't expect them to give u stuffs, then wat makes u bother?!
    from all ur posts people can easily say that u r some one who doesn't care about the relationship but for gifts...
    also u have quoted a line that they didn't call u wen their grand kids were born...
    Is this the custom u follow? u should have invited them... its ur in-laws....

    u r married to a iyer and now u r a IYER too... so watever u say its for u too... value the people... not the gifts...

    have a great life... all the best ... "am sorry to interfere in ur thread.. but u ve made it public, and hence the post."
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2014
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    What retarded views.It seems like it is a marriage between the brahmin boy and a cattle ...like the girl side does not have any customs .Please don't speak for whole of India.

    The whole thread is so castiest.Like marrying a brahmin boy is some kind of an upgrade for the girl and her family and brahmin boys family has the right of way ...no matter what the girl's customs are.

    Why should the girl only know about the brahmin boys custom?Is the boy marrying her as a favor.How about the boy trying to find what the custom of the girl's side are?Remember...the brahmin boy also chose to marry the non brahmin girl....not a favor. Please get off the high horse . I am myself a brahmin by birth and pretty sad with some views.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2014
    1 person likes this.

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