Working Mom vs Homemaker Mom

Hello to all the Moms !

After reading through a lot of your posts, I felt like sharing my own thoughts on the topic as I am also a Mom and I have an 8 year old boy and would like to know how many of you faced the dilemma of work vs home when you had to make the choice after marriage.

Briefly about myself -
When I stopped my studies (family circumstances) I was in my 2nd semester of my PhD. I already had a Diploma in Interior Design and was freelancing as a French Translator/Interpreter. When I got married, I was freelancing as an Interior Designer and doing translations. I decided that I would have my child and return to work after he was 3 years old because I believed in bringing up my child well. But it never happened. When it was time to take a decision about returning to work when my son was 3, I just couldn't do it. I gave this matter a lot of thought and I came to the conclusion that my child was more important than my career. Though I have always been very ambitious and career oriented, I am happy to this day that I made the correct choice and have absolutely no regrets. I will return to work when my son is in high school and even then will make sure that I am home when he comes home from school. I just cannot imagine seeing anyone but my Mom's face when I came home from school.

Here are the reasons for my 'tough' decision.
When I held my child close to me for the first time (one of the most beautiful moments of my life !) I felt I had to do my best for him by giving him the unconditional love that my Mom has given me and still is. My Mom has always been there for me (she never went to work as me and my brother were her world!) and I cannot imagine not being there for my son when he needs me. I would definitely not have wanted a child minder/baby sitter/day care person to wipe my tears or comfort me or feed me or clean me. Similarly I wouldn't want that for my son. We (hubby & I)are responsible for bringing him into this world and we should be the primary carers. No one can match the pure unconditional love that only parents can give a child. I have never left my son with a childminder even once and as I have always been there for him, that has given him a feeling of security. My husband and I include our son in all our outings. He is part of the family and we only do things together. I cannot imagine my parents going on outings without us. I would wonder why I wasn't included when I was a member of the family.

I admit being a first time Mom has been scary and tough but everytime I didnt know how to deal with a situation I would refer to books and the internet and definitely ask my Mom ! I have derived so much happiness in watching my son grow from a baby to a young boy and am so thankful to God for having made me take the right decision as I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I have been there with him to share all his first experiences. Remember when you put some new food in your child's mouth for the first time and the expression they get on their face ! Nothing can beat that ! As I have been there with him to correct him and teach him as he grows he is always well behaved when compared to most kids. I have friends with kids who both work and always complain about their kids or that their kids are not showing them affection because they are showing more attachment with their grandparents/child minders. You just cannot miss out on your child's growing up because earning that extra money will get you material comforts that you want but don't need.

It is possible to live on one person's earnings, if you learn to compromise and be satisfied with what you have, that is. You dont have to buy all the toys in the shop for your child......the love and quality time you spend with them is much more valuable and will strengthen that special bond. Or else, before you know it, they will be teenagers who are total strangers to you. So instead of complaining about your child just take time off from your career to spend time with this life that you are responsible for bringing into this world. Your education will always be with you. You can always get back to your career when the time is right. Just keep in touch with your subject so that you dont forget it.

I am not saying that I am the best Mom, but I am trying to do my best for this creation of mine. Just the love I see in his eyes and the special hugs he gives me are rewards enough.

I admit there were times when I felt that after having studied so much, I should be doing something. But my son is more important to me than my career. I have been keeping in touch with Interior Design through magazines and the internet. I have also been designing friends homes and giving them tips. As I am an active person I always keep myself busy. I have been making and selling handmade greeting cards. I paint occasionally. And because I am a devoted homemaker, my home is neat and tidy and there are always clean clothes in the wardrobes, and healthy food to eat. As I am not working I dont have to deal with any stress.

So in the end, I have a happy and peaceful home life that is so satisfying and wouldnt trade it for all the money in the world. Life is about making the right choices, and ultimately it is about your happiness and peace of mind which no amount of money can buy.

Best wishes to all of you.

dear mukil,

Well said.I am also in the same boat.

I was working in a leading multinational when my daughter was 2 yrs old.Initially i too wanted to work but i had to go at 8.30 am and would return at 9 pm as i had more responsibilities at work.There was no one to help me and i had to put my dd in creche and she refused to take food from my fil and till i come she would be eagerly waiting for me to feed her.It was really a pathetic situation.i had to get up at 4.am and sleep at 11 pm.So i made a strong decision to quit the job.
THough i lost my career, i don't have any regrets now.

Hi Krithika

Yes. I think you have made the best choice. I am sure you have a beautiful family life ! And the bond that you have with your daughter is invaluable.

We are what we are today because of the families we grew up in. Our Moms took good care of us and gave us a strong foundation on which we stand with confidence today.

With the advancement in technology and the internet revolution it is possible to work from home. Many are doing it and are happier because they don't feel guilty about leaving their child with someone else.

As a Mom I would say that it is the first few years of a child's life that are the bonding years. Don't miss it !

Hi Ladies,

Nice topic to debate about !! I was working full time until Jan 08. I quit my job when my son turned 18 months because my son kept falling ill very often. He kept catching a lot of infections at the daycare. Once I quit my job life was far more stress free. I started enjoying motherhood and I was so happy to spend quality time with my son. I have no regrets about my decision. But I know my break will be short lived.

Heart of hearts I feel that I need a separate identity for myself besides being a mother and a wife. I don't want all my life to revolve around my family. When my son grows up in a few years he will have a life of his own and he will eventually move away. But I would have nothing for myself. He will not give me a gold medal for sacrificing my entire career for him. Both my mom and MIL have been house wives throughout their life. When I look at then I feel that because they did not invest in anything else besides their family they have nothing for themselves in their old age. Their children have grown up and moved away and now a certain kind of loneliness has set into their lives.

Secondly I feel that I have spent a good number of years to get educated and get into the career that I am pursuing. I don't want all those years of hard work to go a waste. When I go to work I feel mentally challenged and get a sense of satisfaction when I solve a complicated problem. Unfortunately the job of a homemaker does not provide the same opportunity. Thirdly I definitely miss the comfort of my paycheck. Double income definitely gives much more financial security then a single income. And my current financial commitments are such that we do need a second income.

I feel that it is possible to balance work and home. Sometimes we may not be able to do justice to both but if we have a supportive spouse it is possible to be successful in both arenas. I don't feel guilty about sending my son to a good daycare or preschool. Children feel more stimulated when they are in a good daycare environment. They pick up good eating and sleep habits and learn much faster. The only drawback is that they catch a lot of infections. But that is also a passing phase. So ladies my choice is to be a working mom and I know I will be happy with my decision.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Hi Kavya

I agree with you about having an identity for oneself. Which is why I have kept in touch with my field and intend doing something about my career when my son is in high school.

I have taken my son to a parent and toddler(in UK) 3 days a week from when he was 15 months old. And from when he was 2 1/2 years old he has been going to the nursery, half a day, 5 days a week. They do learn a lot in nurseries with all the interaction they get.

You had written that it is possible to balance work and home. How Kavya ? You must be an awesome individual if you have figured that out. I am yet to meet someone who is able to do that and would love to find out how to go about it.

Good luck to you.

Hi Mukilganesh,

I'am glad that you have made a choice thats best for you.
What works for one person may not work for others ,in the end only a happy mom can make a happy family.If only working can make a mom happy be it for money,career or whatever reason ,we cannot be judgemental let her do it.

Originally Posted by mukilganesh

You had written that it is possible to balance work and home. How Kavya ? You must be an awesome individual if you have figured that out. I am yet to meet someone who is able to do that and would love to find out how to go about it.

The above lines made me wondering if a man can be a good dad and can balance work and home why cannot a woman?
Honestly,I have seen lot of successful women who balance work and home,they have kids who are well behaved and attached to the parents.I do not know how they do it,but I would like to be one among them and I'am working towards it.My personal opinion is every one knows what is best for their family,there is nothing like right or wrong .What works for your family and keeps everyone happy is the best choice you can make be it being a working mom or a stay at home mom.

Originally Posted by newmommy

Hi Mukilganesh,

.My personal opinion is every one knows what is best for their family,there is nothing like right or wrong .What works for your family and keeps everyone happy is the best choice you can make be it being a working mom or a stay at home mom.

I second that 100%. I was actually wondering what the purpose of starting this thread was as everyone has a different and unique set of circumstances and there is no point in generalizing and saying that any one way is THE way.

Vanathi.

Dear all,

It is good reading your posts about how you have given up your career and devoted your time to your kid.

In my case, i took a break of about 1 year to take care of my daughter. When she was about 2 years old, i realised that she is more of an outdoor person (like me).. She liked to spend time with kids of her age. So i started sending her to a day care, even though i was a home maker at that time. At first, even though she was enthusiastic to go to day care, she was reluctant to be away from me. So i used to sit outside the day care while my little one plays with her friends. Slowly we increased the time she spent there.

The day care was also very good and the owner used to maintain it with utmost hygiene. It took us about a month to find it... After few days, she was eager to go to day care and play with her friends but by 5:00pm used to wait for me to pick her up. Then i realised that i can restart my career and landed in a job.

Now my daughter is going to a play school cum day care.. She is enjoying her time there and i pick her up from the day care in the evening. So i will always be there when she comes back. I feel proud when i see her so well behaved. And all this i could not have achieved it without the support from my DH.

The decision of being a working mom or a homemaker mom depends entirely on the circumstances and the mindset of the mother.

Hi Mukilganesh,

It is tough to balance work and home but you need to keep working on it. I feel a person's ability to balance work and home depends on the following factors:
1) Nature of job and industry.
2) Boss
3) Spouse
4) Availability of domestic help.
5) Commute distance to work.
6) Child care options

We will end up making some compromises in the work and home front. But I guess its okay. After a child you cannot spend endless hours at work and need to cut a clear line between work and family time. This would mean that you can't give your boss the same stellar performance as you did when you were single.

Flex timings is a great benefit. I used to work as a software developer and I could easily work from home when needed. But of course it depends on the culture of your company and the nature of your boss. I decided not to take up a lot of career options simply because I had to commit to more rigid office timings. I also turned down a lot of career options that involved travel.

A supportive spouse also makes a world of difference. My spouse is also a software developer and he also has very flexible timings.When I was pregnant I told him not to take up a job in a start-up or job that involved lot of travel. I had a high risk pregnancy and it turned out to be a very good decision. My husband puts as much as effort as I do in taking care of my son. My ex-employer also provided a fabulous on-site daycare that was within the office campus. All this made me confident that it is possible to balance work and family. I think every person's ability to balance work and family depends on his/her set of circumstances.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by mukilganesh

Hi Kavya

I agree with you about having an identity for oneself. Which is why I have kept in touch with my field and intend doing something about my career when my son is in high school.

I have taken my son to a parent and toddler(in UK) 3 days a week from when he was 15 months old. And from when he was 2 1/2 years old he has been going to the nursery, half a day, 5 days a week. They do learn a lot in nurseries with all the interaction they get.

You had written that it is possible to balance work and home. How Kavya ? You must be an awesome individual if you have figured that out. I am yet to meet someone who is able to do that and would love to find out how to go about it.

Good luck to you.

Hi Kavya

Thanks for your answer. I can see that it was possible for you to balance work and home as the circumstances such as those you had listed were conducive for you. Well done, for having made use of the opportunity !

I did not have that kind of support and hence I have chosen what is best for my family in the situation. As I cannot expect any help from my husband(doctor) due to his work schedule, I am on my own when it comes to looking after my son. As he is away most of the time, my being there for my son has definitely given him a sense of security. I am happy that I chose my son over career as I do not think I would have been happy even if I had had a successful career and if my son hadn't grown up to be what he is today which I feel was because of my input.

I did try to look for a job which would be part time and around school timings but never found one, as an interior designer has work commitments that are not very flexible. There are project deadlines and site visits and commitments which would have made it impossible to balance work and home. I also couldn't have handled the guilt part if my family suffered in any way because I wanted to progress in my career.

But the reason why I started this thread was because I had never come across anyone who had successfully managed to do justice to both family(with kids) and career and be happy in the bargain.

It is nice to know that it is possible for some women.

Good luck !