Working Mom vs Homemaker Mom

Hi Mangai

Apologies accepted.

And hats off to you if you have managed to balance home and work and are happy and at peace at the end of the day.

Best wishes & Good Luck

Am a software developer and I am here in Oman- Muscat and had moved here last year from India
Its an extremely nice a family place.
Here generally offices end around 5 pm. So by 5:30 i am at home and my husband too is at home by 6.
After which we have full time for my 2 children( 2 yrs, 7 yrs).
Also, have MAID to take care of them during the day and she leaves in the evening, so we have a personal life as well...

Ofcourse the s/w challanges available elsewhere are not here ... and work is a little stagnant.. its ok - as long as youre getting paid...- with your family life...

I completely agree with the posters that to work or not should be a family decision - there is no right or wrong decision.

To share my perspective, I am a working professional. I've worked since I have graduated, and even did my post-grad in US part time while working full time. I cannot imagine not working (barring unforeseen circumstances like health issues or a disability). So I was always clear that I would return to work after my 8-week maternity leave. I did have a good support system in that I had parents and in-laws watch my son for the 1st year (Even if they could not have come, I would still have gone back to work). Since then, he has gone to daycare. However we are on our own for the past 2 years. It is difficult managing home and family, but to me it is rewarding because that is how I want it. I also try to spend as much time as possible with my son - I may not be able to be with him every moment, but I will involve him in whatever I am doing - cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning up, etc.

I am also lucky to have a fairly decent work situation which is not too crazy. However I have made it clear to my management and boss that I have to leave work at set times, but that I will get the work done. If I have to work after leaving work, I take my laptop home and do it at night (after 10-11 PM)

The point is - yes, there are tradeoffs to make but as long you and your family are happy about it - it should be ok. I am okay with my children growing up with the reality knowing that I have to work outside the home - And it is not just for them that I do it, it is for me too.

Hello, MukilGanesh

Thanks for introducing such an important discussion to the forums. I've enjoyed reading the real-life stories from all the working and non-working mums out there. I think this is an immensely useful discussion, as we get to hear all the pros and cons of each position as mothers try to explain how they have arrived at and made peace with their decisions to work outside the home, or not.

My impression is that the aim of this thread is not to arrive at a conclusion (i.e. one or the other decision is best) as this is impossible. As so many others writers on this thread have pointed out, the decision one arrives at depends on so many personal factors, that it is quite unfair to insist that only one solution exists. For the most part, the participants in this discussion have realised this and for the sake of expressing and hearing different viewpoints, have willingly shared quite personal stories about how they have made their lives work. I'm grateful that I've been given a peek into the private lives of the ILites who have experienced motherhood, as it is helping me to make my own plans for when I become a mother one day.

I must also say, MukilGanesh, that in addition to starting a thread with useful content, I have also enjoyed the way you express yourself. Thanks for taking the time to post well-articulated, thoughtful comments that add to my enjoyment when I read this discussion. I also think you've handled yourself well when it comes to defusing potential tensions that so easily arise when we discuss a sensitive issue like this one.

As I've said, I'm not a mother yet. My own mother went back to work after her maternity leave when I was born. After a few weeks, she decided she didn't like leaving me alone with her MIL all day (the reasons for this have been mysteriously never explained, but I can take a good guess!) and quit being a school teacher. Thus, she stayed at home and raised me and my two siblings who followed. After my sister started going to school, my mother went back to work. I've often thought of her example and the sacrifices she and my father made to raise us, and try to factor in those experiences when making my own decision.

For me, the most important factor to consider when making this decision is what works best for the mother. In other words, a happy mother will be a good mother, and a woman who is forced to stay at home and look after her children against what her instincts are telling her, might not end up being such a good mother after all. Similarly, the same will be true of a mother who tries to work outside of the home and take care of children when she feels she cannot do justice to both.

Most women should have an idea of what suits them based on their personalities. For me, staying at home hasn't been a problem (I'm on an H4 visa and have had no choice in the matter, and surprisingly, I've loved the opportunity to devote all my time and attention to home and husband). When I used to work, I didn't think that being a homemaker could be such hard work, but it is! It seems to me that whatever decision we as women make, we have to justify it to others - especially pesky relatives or judgemental "friends" who really have no idea of what our lives are like.

This is the obstacle we have to overcome - how do we live with the decisions we made and get rid of any doubts or guilt? It's something we should work on (not only in this aspect of our lives, but all aspects). Part of making peace with what we've chosen is not reacting defensively when alternate views are discussed. Another part may come later, when we look back and wish we had done some things differently. That's normal, in my opinion, because in hindsight things are always a lot clearer.

The point I'm making here (and I'm sorry if I'm all over the place, but I'm getting there!) is that we should all use our freedom to do things EXACTLY the way we want. At the end of the day, ideally, we answer to ourselves, and we should be able to relegate the other comments and criticism to that file in our brain marked "Consider, but don't take to heart". At least, this is what I hope I'll do when I'm in this position.

As for my actual stance on this matter, I suspect I will be much like MukilGanesh and others on this forum and choose to stay at home to raise my children. For my personality and beliefs, it seems a good decision. To show how much of an individual matter it is, though, let me say that knowing my sister, who is devoted to her career, the choice will probably be different. I can totally see her having her children, continuing with her job, and being a great mother and worker outside the home all at the same time.

In either scenario, there will be advantages and disadvantages, but I strongly feel we should do what the right fit is for us personally. I've met all kinds of mothers, and all kinds of children, and I can't say I've noticed a pattern of good and bad based on working or stay-at-home mums. With this in mind, here's wishing all the mothers out there a great day - I'm sure you're doing the best job YOU can, and your children will appreciate it one day.

Ansuya

P.S. I can't find the exact sentence, but someone wrote somewhere (maybe not here) that she didn't want to stay at home and have her studying to go to waste. I don't think this is possible. Whatever you studied, it is a part of you now and informs everything you do. No education goes to waste, even if you are not out there practising whatever you studied or trained for. The purpose of education is not restricted to "using" it to make money etc. Rather, it is something that becomes a part of you - no one can take it away, and you are a better person for it whether you work outside the home or not.

Hi,

First of all, I have to agree with Anasuya when she points out about education not going waste. Education not necessarily has to translate to money all the time - and the perception that if one is a stay at home mom, one is not making using of her intellect is ill founded. I am sure there are many stay at home moms who are extremly intelligent and love staying home and taking care of their family while at the same time catering to the needs of their intellect.

Coming to my scenario, I was working before my first child but was pretty sure that I will be a stay at home mom once the baby comes - reasons being I had no help with delilvery, was terrified of managing on my own and to add to everything, had a c-section. But I have no regrets about staying home - I can see how my child has turned out and it fills me with joy. So when he was 2 1/2 started working but again quit when my second was born - I am now getting to a stage of questioning myself as to what is that I want to do with my life? and I am sure, I will come up with some options but one thing is very clear in my mind - I want to be home when my kids are home at least till they are in high school! Do I feel I missed out not being career oreinted - sometimes I feel yes with all the potential that I have, I should have been something but there are more times when I feel I am glad I stayed home. The only thing I want to be conscious of in my life is - I need to do something for my self beacuse I am aware that once my kids are old enough and move out, I will be left alone and I should not be then thinking about what is it I want to do. I have beend fortunate enough to make use of this stay at home days and experiment and find out where my passion lies. Hopefully, I will eventually get all the satisfaction I am looking for.

So ladies, yes the consensus seems to be whether it is working or stay at home moms, we all love beinig moms and wives and want to do best for our families in the best possible way we can!

Hello, Srama

Just a quick note (I should be cooking!) about what you said when you posted:

"Do I feel I missed out not being career oreinted - sometimes I feel yes with all the potential that I have, I should have been something but there are more times when I feel I am glad I stayed home"

I think you ARE something - you're a wife and a mother, and even if you assume no other role for the rest of your life, you can look back on your achievements and be proud that you contributed so meaningfully to the world.

When politicians or sociologists discuss the various ills that plague our society, many discussions always end on this common point - problems at a community level can be traced back to broken homes, or parents who didn't do the right thing by their children. The healthy nuclear family is a basic building block for a healthy society. You are fulfilling your potential by investing time and energy in your family.

I think you know this, because you say there are more times when you are glad you stayed home. I just wish more people out there would give stay-at-home mothers their due!

Ansuya

Ansuya,

thanks for your words. Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by a lot highly accomplished women who have chosen motherhood over career for a few years at least and that kind of association gives a totally different perspective - they have taught me to be comfortable in my own skin (not that I wasn't earlier, but it helps)

BTW Ansuya, I like the way you write and usually read your perspective in almost all the posts - starting from "what's Iowa" ...oh BTW I am from Ohio - you definetly are making use of your h4 status. Look forward to reading more!

Srama, I'm glad that you have the support of accomplished women who have made the choice to be stay-at-home mums. I think that if we disparage the stay-at-home mother today, we are essentially disrespecting generations of Indian mothers who came before us who had no choice but to stay at home. They turned housekeeping and mothering into full-time jobs, and they were good at it. I'll never be able to cook like my grandmother no matter how hard I try! The strong family values that characterise Indian families can often be traced back to the matriarch figure. So, it is not a position that should be taken lightly.

Thanks for your kind words about my posts. I lived in Cleveland for a while, so I know a little bit about Ohio. I hope you're having a good week, and that the weather there is not as cold as it is here!

Ansuya

hi frnds...

very nice discussion...

As others tell both has -ve and +ve issues... its always depends on how u take it... according to me..i awalys wanted to tk care of my family being at home taking care of my little enjoy enjoy each moment..... till i get married i was working... even after wedding.... but change of place immed i cud'nt cont... i conceived also...

so i allways prefferd to tk care of my kid and hubby being at home... just dont feel feel like leaving the kid with the maid or baby sitter... a kind of happiness which cant be replaced with anything else ....

wht i always think was when i'm back from school or college or even from work first thing i do when i enter my house was hug my mom... she is a homemaker so she will be at home obvious... but one day if she goes to frnds or relatives place... i feel i'm missing something... like this we will have so many things wht we enjoyed in our life and feel our kid shud also get that happiness... so i always wanted to be home maker mom... i enjoy that happiness...

Hi friends,

Whether working or homemaker , moms are indeed doing a great job. Both of them have their share of ups and downs balancing the family.

Though it is always not necessary for our education to be translated into money, one advantage working moms have is at the end of the month they get 'reward' for their work done which might not be always possible for homemaker mom.

Most of the family members take the housewives for granted and feel its their privilege to have her around for getting things done.This is a never-ending work. It all depends on the women how she takes it which again depends on the family.If the family is happy about her being a homemaker and from time to time reciprocates for that then its okay. In an otherwise situation, the homemaker would get exhausted with the never-ending work and without support from members to make it more complicated.

Nevertheless kids do have the secured feeling when moms are around.Again a woman gets emotionally attached to them in the process and feel left out when they start to ignore her. It is difficult for any person, for that matter, to not to expect anything in return.

My H4 status landed me as a homemaker.So howmuchever i like my duty, the bottomline always would remain that it was by compulsion and not by choice!!

Just my 2 cents.Nothing meant to offend anyone.
vani