Working Mom vs Homemaker Mom

Thanks for the input, Happywoman. I'm not sure if you're speaking from your own experience or not, but you seem to think that stay-at-home mothers may not get the respect or appreciation they deserve. If this is the case, that's a serious problem and no woman should have to tolerate it. There are just a few things I wanted to clarify:

1) I'm not sure what you mean about stay-at-home mums not getting a reward. If you mean money, it may be true that the stay-at-home mum gets no salary. However, I'll assume she has a fair bit of control over the household budget and other money-related matters anyway. So, if she chooses to "pay" herself (a manicure, a shopping spree, a good meal out with friends), her husband should have no objection. In a marriage, it is very hard to separate money into yours and mine. And rewards are not necessarily only measured in cash.

2) If family members take the stay-at-home mother for granted, then the natural solution for me would be for family members to change their attitude, as opposed for the mother to then run away to a job outside the home. All women (whether stay-at-home or work outside the home) should be thanked often, and profusely, for all the work they do in the home. There is no excuse for other family members to be ungrateful. If they are, then I recommend the woman make them do a few rounds of cleaning toilets, cooking, laundry, etc. They'll start to appreciate what she has to do pretty quickly after that. Also, work should not be never-ending. It can be, but it's up to the woman in question to set boundaries and let everyone know she's not a 24-hour on-call maid. Also, it is absolutely imperative that others do their share of the housework as well. For example, husbands can take out the garbage, make sure the cars are well-maintained with full tanks, vacuum the carpets, etc. even if they have a full-time job. It won't damage them physically or mentally to help out around the house.

3) I don't understand what you mean when you say that a woman can feel left out when her kids start to ignore her. When and how do kids ignore their parents? This seems like bad manners to me. I've never ignored my mother. I would have been given a rather stern lecture and had my privileges revoked if I started acting like a brat, at any age, possibly even now! Why should a mother not expect anything in return for all the work she has put in? When I'm a mother, I'd expect my children to be respectful, well-mannered towards me, and appreciative of what I've done. Otherwise, I haven't done my job as well as I should have.

If you have any further thoughts on these points, Happywoman, I'd like to hear them. My thoughts are ideals, as I don't have children yet. But a lot of what I say here has been my experience as a homemaker while my husband works outside the home. I expect I'll try to run things along the same principles when I have children.

Ansuya

That is a nice dialogue between Happywoman and Ansuya and I would like to add my two cents – again please this is just a personal perspective.

Happywoman about monetary satisfaction of being a mom – Ansuya makes a valid point. Most moms have the freedom and control over family budget. If I begin to assume that I have this freedom because of all the work I do at home, I would consider it shameful because in my mind it is a privilege to manage money and run the household like a business. So it more than earning - I am just not being a mom, but a business woman because I am managing with available resources and in fact creating a system to save and grow and expand. As far as getting paid for the work we do at office – that can be quantized and translated into money. Can we do that with families? how can we put a reward on what a mother does for her child and family where as any other thing that we do can be rewarded. I am sure while one wants a reward for everything else, as mothers what we all seek is the well being of our children. Happywoman, I understand the way and context in which you are speaking and I am not trying to convince you – I just think if you are home whether by choice or by force (h4), take it as a privilege and enjoy it. Because both you and I know that a day will come when you will be back in the work force.

Then family members taking for granted - I think it is the perspective and it not only rests just the mother’s shoulders but also father’s. This is where no job is menial concept plays an important role – it is how we put across to kids that will shape their opinion and outlook. We don’t have to tell them that what we do is important but just make it clear that it is important for us and it is a personal choice.

Yes, kids as they grow up, get busy in life. It is unfair on our part as parents to expect more from them. It is we who choose to have kids and do everything for them and should not turn around and say I did all this, now you ignore me, as Ansuya says, if we have done our job well that day won’t come. Earlier in my post I said, instead of feeling low/bad about being a stay at home mom ( if it is by choice no question of feeling bad if it is due to circumstances,) I would rather consider it a privilege, enjoy it while it lasts and use that time to experiment and see what is it I want to do with my life, so that when kids are grown up I have a passion which offers me the satisfaction I seek as a human being – not as a wife, mom, sister etc.

Hi Srama/Ansuya,

Thanks for the response.
My synopsis on the subject is all women should have open mindedness to accept things in life and be adapatable to changes.It is always good to have ideals in life but do not get hurt if kids do not follow that.Generation changes everyday and we have to be open to changes.
Whatever i wrote is not out of my own experience. It is always better to look at both the sides of a coin. If im writing what is contrary to my own experience im just trying to get the other perspective to light.It doesnt in anyway mean that im not a happy homemaker.One day or the other, a fish has to learn to swim if left in water. This is nature's rule. In this context, even a woman, whether by choice or by compulsion, will not like to have disorderly life and will slowly begin to enjoy what she's doing.
Each family has its own limitations and its a personal choice for the women in question to decide.
I do not take sides of either of them. If a person is a homemaker, let her be.On the other hand, if a person wants to be a working woman let her be. Each of them will learn to make the day-2-day life more smoother out of their experiences.
I do not want to compare one's life with the other.I only tried to bring out the plus and minus of each situation.
At the end of the day, everyone wants to be comfortable,isnt it??Howmuch ever we may try to side with either of them, ultimately its her own family which would make her comfortable at home!!
No offences please...
Cheers
Vani

hi friends
This is my first post to this online community.
Its nice to see lot of people actively participating in this thread.
I think this topic working mom Vs Homemaker mom is sensitive and depends on individual situation, family support, their educational background which can be translated to a career and which is suitable for one to achieve their goals.

To say about mine, i completed my Engineering and Masters in Business Administration in chennai , i worked there for 2 years, later i got married and settled in bangalore.
I have twin kids who are 3 years old, i stay in my inlaws place.
In the begining of my marriage life there were few constraints and i stayed at home , when my children turned 2 years , i started looking for job opportunities, i got a handsome of that, i selected which has got low priority in the organisation and less responsibilities.
Thereby i convinced my management about my situation and requested them to give me an opportunity to work from home . Now for the past 2 years i am doing a job (pre&post sales- Sales Specialist), i dont meet the corporate clients but actually find good business leads over the phone and internet, once in a week i go to office, i feel there is a lot of compromise on my job but when i feel i am available for my kids that feel is great.
All this is possible only with a baby sitter and she delivers good quality since i am there to monitor.
Probably after few years once my children grow big, i can look at a challenging career.
Likewise we can change our life by thinking how we can execute it.
I am feeling more responsible because i manage home ( cooking, baby care ,household work) and office.
So for ladies who want to continue their career can try options like working from home with a helper.
Thanks for reading this.
with love
Kavitha Balaji

Hi Rush2me, Sindhup

Glad to hear that you are able to manage both work and home and you are happy at the end of the day.

Best wishes to you both.

Hi Ansuya

Thank you for your lovely comments. I must return the same compliments to you regarding your writing as well. And thank you for clarifying the nature of this thread.

I agree with you on the fact that the decision should be made based on what works best for the mother and her personality. If she is happy and at peace with herself at the end of the day without any guilt feelings(whatever her choice) then by all means she must pursue what she feels is right. But she must give it some thought, namely the consequences that would arise due to her decision as it is not fair to let the kids suffer.

I also agree 100% with you that education can never go waste. That is the only wealth you cannot lose and no one can take it away from you. And education does becomes a part of you and it should not be restricted to making money. Well said, Ansuya!

For me education also means the following :
1 Being a better human being
2 Being self confident
3 Being happy by having a positive attitude to life and not complaining about every petty thing( I cannot accept people saying they are bored or depressed when they have a fully functioning body. Think of all the blind, deaf, dumb and otherwise handicapped people who go through the day with a smile)
4 Being helpful to people in need but at the same time smart enough to not let anyone take advantage of you
5 Behaving sensibly
6 Being hygienic(Not only in my own home but when I visit relations or friends homes to stay, I don't leave my hair lying on the floor, and I leave clean toilets. Thank God my husband is like me and I am proud to say that my son is very clean!)
... and the list could go on...

Another point that I wanted to make which you have brought out beautifully, Ansuya is about our society. "The healthy family is a basic building block for a healthy society." So true. I am stating the facts again, as there has been an increase in divorces and extra marital affairs, etc, disrespect for parents, etc, I must say that old traditions, beliefs and values make sense now after seeing the negative changes in our society. One trip to Madras, leaves me shell-shocked !

There is just one thing I can't resist saying and which I can't for the life of me decipher. Can you or anyone else? In that hot city, young 'educated' women wear mini skirts and low cuts and complain that men are looking at them or trying to bump against them, while young 'educated' men wear thick jeans and full sleeve pullovers with hoods and call themselves 'cool' !?!

Hello, MukilGanesh

I appreciate the very detailed and insightful response you have made to my posts so far. You raise some interesting points, especially about education and what it should mean. I was especially impressed by what you said about the irony of claiming boredom when one has a healthy body and freedom. It made me remember that when my siblings and I were growing up, we were not allowed to whine, "I'm bored!" within earshot of my parents (or we'd get a shot of another kind!). So, I share your opinion, that it is our responsibility, as educated human beings, to take care of ourselves in this regard.

The other thing that stood out in your post was the notion of cleanliness associated with education. I must admit (and I don't mean to offend Indians here - please accept this as a personal observation, not an insult - I am of Indian descent and everything I say about India, I say with feelings of some loyalty and pride), when I first visited India when I was 21 years old, I was very excited and impressed to finally be in my ancestral home. However, in addition to loving many things (like the food), I was most disappointed by the squalor and filth that was hard to escape no matter where you went. Most interestingly, every Indian I spoke to laid the blame at someone else's door. I found it hard to consolidate the very high levels of education I know Indians are proud of, with this acceptance of low standards of hygiene. I understand part of the problem is too many people and not enough space, but I still can't see how that can completely excuse the situation there. In addition to this, I also can't see how filth can be seen as a necessary result of poverty or a lack of education. I've worked with disadvantaged populations in South Africa, and no matter how poor or uneducated they were, for the most part, they were clean and kept their surroundings clean. So, for me, your comment about education and cleanliness was something to think about.

But, I digress. On to your next point... yes, traditional values had their advantages. I think the challenge we face now is to find new ways of living in new environments without losing our sense of responsibility and virtue. I don't think you have to follow traditional ways to raise a healthy family and sustain a healthy society. Rather, it is up to each of us as individuals to decide how to live our lives, in the absence of the traditional structures that once gave guidance. This doesn't mean life has to be an immoral free-for-all; rather, we should look to the past but also adapt for the future. So, traditionally, the idea of a working mother, a single father, a nuclear family, etc. may have been frowned upon, but now these situations exist, and I don't think they're necessarily negative. In fact, I enjoy the freedom we have to break away from the restrictions of traditional thinking and find new ways of making life work.

I'm sorry your trip to Madras wasn't as you had expected. I haven't been to India in a couple of years, but if it's any consolation to you, things are changing everywhere. I keep telling myself I'm old-fashioned and that's why everything seems so brash and offensive to me now! But apart from my senior citizen-like mentality, I think it's important for us to realise that young people now face challenges we never had to. The things they do (even the strange clothes as you describe) are a reaction to the society they live in. Since parents are not the exclusive influence on their children as they once were, children have to deal with all kinds of pressure from other sources. Whether we like it or not, I think that's the way things are now, and it's very hard for a child growing up today to resist those forces completely and live as if it were two decades ago.

I'm not even sure whether, in terms of influence on her child's life, it makes a difference if a mother stays at home or works outside the home, because like I've said before, I've met good and bad mothers in both categories. I think you're leaning towards the stay-at-home mother being able to exert more of a positive influence? I feel it's up the individual and how she chooses to allocate her time. And anyway, once those kids grow up a bit, there may not be much a mother can do anyway about those low-cut blouses and "cool" warm clothes!

Ansuya

Hi Ansuya

I agree with you regarding the matter of cleanliness in India. It does make you wonder that in spite of being so well educated, people disregard the dangers of being unhygienic. You are right about people putting the blame on someone else. If only every home took a personal interest in keeping their surroundings clean then every street in India would be amazing. At least the diseases would lessen, for sure. But cleanliness starts at home and if each and everyone of us just cleaned up after ourselves(it is our dirt, after all!), what a difference that would make! And I guess that is being idealistic. But maybe not, as Abraham Lincoln is said to have cleaned his own shoes when he was President and when asked why, he said, "Who's shoes am I to clean then?"
So it is all a matter of being responsible for one's own actions! It was interesting to read that the poor and uneducated in South Africa were quite clean people.

Regarding traditional values, they have their advantages and disadvantages. The freedom women have now is something to be cherished. There was another thread in this forum discussing how women are supposed to be 'unclean' during their periods. Such issues which don't have a scientific reason is best to be ignored. Nuclear family is great, but one has to make sure that they take care of their parents in their old age. I agree that society is constantly undergoing a change and we have to adapt oneself to face the day-to-day challenges. But certain things like moral values or basic responsibilities should not be looked down upon, just because they are old fashioned. Some of them have valid reasons that make a lot of sense. Just looking at some facts about the increase in hiv patients in Madras, especially in the software field makes me wonder...

Yes, it is not only the parents but also the society itself that influences a growing child. But if parents are available to guide the child through the innumerable influences, that would make a big difference. I have met a few adults who said they hated the fact that their mothers went to work. They missed seeing their mom's faces and the special loving care that only a mom can give when they returned home from school. But I guess it also depends on their mothers as well.

Hi Srama

You have correctly said that a homemaker mom doesn't necessarily waste her life away. There are a lot of moms who do justice to their education and keep themselves intellectually on par with others. And yes, we should definitely have something to do for ourselves. Otherwise our minds would just become a devil's playground and we would not only make it unpleasant for ourselves but for others as well. I honestly think 24 hours is insufficient in a day. I wonder where the time flies because before I know it the day is over!

I second Ansuya that we moms ARE something special. And somehow I think most of the time it is the woman who instigates more of the family values.

I agree with you that we should adjust our work in order to be home when our kid returns from school. It makes a difference.

Srama, you have very beautifully said what it is to be a mother in the true sense of the word. A mother does things for her child due to her love for her child and her concerns for the well-being for her child not because she expects something in return. That is the unconditional love of a mother !

Hi Vahee

I understand the feeling of not wanting to leave your child with a maid or baby sitter as I wouldn't have been able to do that. I thank my mom for not doing that to me when I was a kid.