Have others felt this way?

I'm a full-time working mom with a 9 month old daughter. I joined work after 3.5 months of maternity leave. I had my mom with me for the first 6 months. Currently, my in-laws stay with me and help take care of my baby while I am at work.

Just like many others, after having my baby I wasn't sure if I wanted to work part-time, full-time or quit my job. I was torn. Knowing myself, I very well knew that I would drive myself crazy if quit my job and decided to be at home. The only option was either a part-time or a full-time job. I decided I would continue my full-time job and see how it goes. It's been 6 months back at work now, but there are times where I feel sad about not getting to spend a lot of time with my daughter. Also, from the past few days, she seems to be more attached to my MIL and keeps reaching out to her even when I'm holding her. I know it's normal for any child to form a strong bond with a primary caregiver and since my MIL spends more than 10 hrs a day taking care of her, it's not abnormal. But as a mother, I sometimes feel sad (or maybe jealous, I don't know?). I make sure all my free time is spent with my baby and I devote myself to her when I am at home (feeding, playing, giving her a bath, putting her to sleep) and also spend entire weekends only with her. She is very attached to me but the fact that I am not the ONLY No: 1 person in my child's life gets me sad.

I am considering negotiating with my manager so that I can either work from home on Fridays or maybe work 4 day weeks so that I get some more time with my daughter (maybe this summer)..... but in the meanwhile I want to stop feeling bad about my daughter forming a stronger attachment with my MIL. I feel silly about feeling this way.....Do some of the other working mothers face the same problem?

Hi,

Yes, I felt the same way. I was unable to get part time at my workplace. I worked until my son was 14 months. After I put my son in daycare he fell ill often and I felt very guilty. It was very stressful. I ended up quitting my job. WFH was not very easy because I had to get work done and my son would want me to spend time with me.

I definitely do miss my job. I am afraid that I may not get a job due to the recession. And we definitely do miss my paycheck. But I am happy I can spend quality time with my son. He has started talking and I really enjoy a lot of moments with him. Life is more relaxed then before. I don't think a break of 1 year is going to matter in a career spanning decades.

Thanks,
kavya.

Hi CarpeDiem

I dont have a child yet. I am expecting one in August 08. I plan to do exactly what you did. My mom for the first 6 months and them my husband's mom.
I plan to continue working full time after my baby is born.

I never thought of this before I read your post. This is true, a child will be more attached especially at that tender age to the person he/she spends the most time with.
I think my sister-in-laws stories might make you feel better. They are in India.
1) My husband sister (lets say SIL1) is a doctor. Her mom (my MIL) took full time care of the baby. Until she was about 1, the baby actually believed that her grandma was her mom. My SIL1 would be in the hospital (which her In-Laws own) from 8 in the morning to late night. Being an OB/GYN she pretty much was on call 24/7. But Lo and Behold after the baby turned 2, the baby completely fell for her mom. Before, she would very happily say "bye bye" to her mom whenever her mom left. After turning 2 she started crying and missing her mom everytime the mom left. Now eventhough she spends all day with the grandparents and only the nights with her parents, she completely dotes over her parents and always asks to be with her parents rather than grandparents. Now her grandparents feel a little bad that the baby they devoted all their time to now doesnt choose them as No.1. But being good people they completely understand that parents must be No.1 and they dont discourage the child when she asks for her parents.

2) My brother's wife (lets say SIL2) is an engineer. My mom (her MIL) takes care of her baby all day long. As my SIL2 has to travel quite a bit to work, she would leave home by 7 and return only at 8 or 9 along with my brother. So the baby is completely with my mom all day long. Initially the baby was very close to my mom and now that the baby is 2, she is much closer to my SIL2.

The grandparent's visits to the US might also have been contributed to this. My parents were here for a few months and so were my InLaws. During these times, the children would have had to completely depend on their parents.

Will you ILs be in the US forever? They will be going back right? At that time the child has to come back to you. Until then it might be a little difficult.

I am going to be on the lookout for advice on this because I am probably going to feel exactly what you feel and am probably going to be very sad about it.

Hi,

Even my daughter is very attached to her nanny and I go through the pangs at times, like you describe. You have analysed the situation nicely - it is true that they will be attached to the person with whom they spend a lot of time. At the same time, there is a special bond between the mom and the child. The way I look at it is that - I cant have the cake and eat it too! The attachment to the care-giver/nanny indicates that the child is happy. And the child's attachment to that person is a small price you pay. Anyday, you'd have this than a care-giver who is non-friendly.

So, dont feel guilty. Enjoy your time with the baby. A few years from now, you will be sole care-giver and the baby's love for you will only grow when she realizes that you ensured that she had a good care-taken even when you were working.

Cheers,

Sumathy

Hi Carpe diem,

First of all, that's a wonderful name that you've chosen.
Of course, I feel that J factor whenever my 2 yr old daughter asks for the nanny even during weekends. As of now, your daughter is not saying things yet...mine is in the next step. Sometimes she mistakes me for her nanny and calls me 'Aunty'. But the best thing is at the end of the day when she wants only me to sleep next to her, I feel good.
One good thing in your case is, she is attached to her grandmother. Grannies always pamper their grandchildren...and in turn the kids feel safe and secured. That too being in US, your child in her infant days is with a family member and not yet at daycare which is a great thing. You can be peaceful at work, right? At the same time, you are playing your part well.

Best regards,
Hema

Kavya, Sheetha, Sumathy and Hema - Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel so much better after reading them.

Kavya - thanks for your input. Your last sentence made a lot of sense 'Life is more relaxed then before. I don't think a break of 1 year is going to matter in a career spanning decades.' Very true! I'm going to try asking my manager for the flexibility to work 4 days a week instead of 5. Lets see how that goes. Your son must be entertaining you with his talks - I'm glad you're enjoying every minute of this :)

Sheetha,Thanks taking time out to write such a detailed reply and for sharing your SILs stories.I guess when children turn 2, they really start doting on their parents. Also maybe then they are old enough to know that parents are the ones who take them out, drive them around, buy stuff for them etc etc.:)

Also, as Sumathy and Hema mentioned, I should be happy that my daughter is attached to her grandmother and she is rerally pampered and well taken care of. Also, the fact that she is not in daycare at such a young age and is with family should make me feel good at the end of the day. Like Hema's child, my daughter also needs me to sleep next to her every night - so that does make me feel good. On weekends, when my ILs go to my SILs place, my kid and I stick to each other like a leech :)

Sumathy - Good Luck for the rest of your pregnancy. It's such an exciting time in a woman's life. I'm sure you're enjoying every bit of it (except the heartburn, nausea and heaviness:). Take Care!

I am not the best person to advice.. but thought would voice mine :)

Please don't feel bad... As I was just thinking over it.. I am not sure if what I will do.. I might end of the normal flow as other working women too.. but still ... thinking ain't bad is it ;)

Life is about choices. I guess we cannot except to everything to happen without compromises. In today's world, being a homemaker takes a back seat and earning more money becomes the primary. If that's how you want to play your life, then be very well prepared to handle all the emotional roller coaster that you might go through. Its a simple human tendency, you expect everything to be green and happy. But that's not always the case because of the choices you did. Every working woman makes that decision and even it hurts follows it through for the future betterment. We keep thinking about the future, that we miss out the simple precious moments that pass by in our present life.

Not Personally speaking, my cousin used to whine that she missed her son's cute little "first time" stuff because she was at work. I was like "Hello, who asked you to miss it in the first place. Obviously your son would have loved it if you were with him and it would have made your life even more meaningful.. but who made the choice?" So things like this happens and we don't prioritize these are important and tend to concentrate more on materialistic gains.

So, as I said earlier, life is full of choices and its upto us to make them and try to balance it out with compromises. :)

As others said before, when we are working we can't get time to spend with our kids. I have experienced this myself and now my daughter is 4. She went to daycare when she was 3 months old and up until now she goes to daycare. Initially she used to call me sometimes as "aunty". I joined another company after my daughter was born so didn't have a good relationship with my manager that time. So I used to leave home early to put more effort at work. My husband used to dress her up everyday in the morning and drop her in the daycare and I'll pick her up in the evening, cook and feed her. She was very close to my husband until she was 2 1/2. I was crying everyday for she not being attached to me. Once she became little older, she came back to me and now she wants me to bath her, dress her up and feed her, play with her all the time. Kids always take their time to understand things. Once they are above 2, they understand that parents are doing everything for them. So don't worry things will be alright once they grow up.

Don't worry. Our daughter went to day care at 6 months. In the first year she was very attached to her care givers but she knew mommy and daddy too.

At two years she just wanted to be with Mommy all the time. So there will come a time where you will wish that she paid more time with your MIL. It becomes a problem when they want to stick to you all the time.

Now my daughter is three and when I pick her up from day care she is so excited to see daddy. She can talk now and she told mommy that she is very sad when mommy has to leave her at the day care.

We spend lot of time with her in spite of our busy schedule and she just loves having us around. She knows very well that Daddy and Mommy are the real special people.

Kid will love their grand parents and they will love many other people but make no mistake there is no doubt in their mind about who the no.1 people in their life are. It is always mommy and daddy. So don't fret too much about what the one year baby is thinking right now. Its probably thinking of survival and that is all. In time when they really gain the intelligence its not hard to see who loves them the most. Nobody can ever replace mommy and daddy.

Thanks so much for your warm replies and also for sharing your experiences. Makes me feel so much better!