After 35 years and turning from age 25 to 60 is India still your home country?

Originally Posted by naazneen

Hey there Shobana!
thank- you for posting the messages. I really appreciate you trying to do reconstruct this thread. Sorry haven't written earlier. Anyways looks like the discussion is again turning to which country is better (ironic).
Wanted to just write I had some very happy moments with my daughters playdate moms last 2 weeks( feels good to find some comraderie). okay tata
~ N

Happy to hear that Nazneen...

As a fellow desi who had gone through all the adjusment phases in this country let me say what helped me the most. I first identified what made me happy and what made me unhappy with the life I had (at that time).

Realised I was most unhappy around festival times and special occassions. Reason was that i missed my family and all the fun things/rituals. So from that time onwards I celebrate each and every festival exactly like how I remembered celebrating them. Growing up My one main grouse around festivals time was how many chores I had to do( because my mom asked )around the kitchen. I especially hated having to pan roast the bhakshalu / puran poli (sweet breads) and they never seemed to end (literallly close to 2 hundred were made before lunch on that same day). Now I do make all of the ritual sweets but in numbers that are five or nine on that day and the rest of the dough goes into the freezer. We all dress up nicely and go to a nice restaurent if it falls on a week day OR if I had spent greater part of the day with my daughter selecting accessories that go with the outfits(like making additional runs to the bank to get them out of the locker). Never do i slave in the kitchen on festival day. Because of some beliefs that we acquire with out questioning, preparing food before hand is still a big taboo.

Other things that made me unhappy were things that made my kids unhappy. Like the first time I refused my daughter to go to a sleep over. Seeing how much it bothered her to not to go to the sleep over my husband and I had a conversation about it in which i raised my fears. By vocalising my thoughts while I was saying them to him itself some of them seemed silly and irrelevant. For others we both decided that I should call the mother of the girl who was having the sleepover. I gathered my thoughts together and literally practiced my conversation one time and called her. And that was the best thing that i did. The mother could guess why i was calling and right away with out me asking pointed questions told me all the plans for the event and who will be in the house who will not be, who else are invited, and a hundred other details which I had not even thought of but which she thought as a parent she should . Looks like that is what all the parents do . The people involved here are a fifth grade friend of my daughter and her parents (White videshis). So by reaching out and asking and interacting with a lot of my fears about these videshi log have been laid to rest.

So hopefully I have said enough for you to take heed....

Bonne chance...

Hi, My name is Gogila and have been in US for 7 years now. I just joined IL and this was the first thread I read. I understand how all the women friends feel. That is exactky how i used to feel.. recently I met another lady who feels the same way as we do and we have developed a camaraderie.

Once your children start attending schools, you will meet up with their friends' mothers and life will certainly change. This lady I met is my 4 year old daughter's class-mate's mum. Our children clicked and so did we.

The key is keep yourself open to speaking to people around you and make an effort to get to know people around you. You need to put in lots of hard work to create and maintain relationships/friendships.

Both our husbands understand how the both of us feel, with housework and children and no friends/family. Last weekend, both our husbands took care of the children while the both of us had a ladies day out, just hanging out at the mall minus children and husband after a long time :)

I was a health-care professional before my marriage. Now that my children are 4 and 3, I have decided to start a group for ladies who are interested to discuss health, fitness, exercise, or raising children,etc. I live in South Brunswick and if anyone is interested, please contact me. I am a Physical Therapist, who is keen to share exercises to relieve back and neck pains My friend is keen on starting a website with information on raising children in this country. We just feel like sharing the information we have accumulated.

Hi,

My name is Gogila and have been in US for 7 years now. I just joined IL and this was the first thread I read. I understand how all the women friends feel. That is exactky how i used to feel.. recently I met another lady who feels the same way as we do and we have developed a camaraderie.


Once your children start attending schools, you will meet up with their friends' mothers and life will certainly change. This lady I met is my 4 year old daughter's class-mate's mum. Our children clicked and so did we.


The key is keep yourself open to speaking to people around you and make an effort to get to know people around you. You need to put in lots of hard work to create and maintain relationships/friendships. (Lots of my American friends/neighbours are more homely then most of us. They do not have alcohol at chidlren's birthday parties, for eg..)


Both our husbands understand how the both of us feel, with housework and children and no friends/family. Last weekend, both our husbands took care of the children while the both of us had a ladies day out, just hanging out at the mall minus children and husband after a long time :)

I was a health-care professional before my marriage. Now that my children are 4 and 3, I have decided to start a group for ladies who are interested to discuss health, fitness, exercise, or raising children,etc. I live in South Brunswick and if anyone is interested, please contact me. I am a Physical Therapist, who is keen to share exercises to relieve back and neck pains My friend is keen on starting a website with information on raising children in this country. We just feel like sharing the information we have accumulated.

Hi Gogila - welcome to IL. Glad to note that you are adjusting to your life in the US. You seem to have adjusted to life here just as many of us have done. I too have many American friends who have similar values to what we have. Please do participate in threads that interest you and start your own threads as well in areas that are dear to your heart. Again welcome to IL

Shobana

Thanks Blondie,
yes it really felt good interacting with this one mom in particualr. Her daughter is 2 weeks older than mine. I was like"is this for real" anyways still keeping my fingers crossed.

What you said about identifying areas that make you unhappy is helpful. my two areas(atleast for now) are "when I'm ill and worse if either my husband or daughter is ill at the same time" and "during festivals". There are other times too but I have to say my really low moments are at these times. Thats when all the negativity just spills over.
But again, thank-you soo much for sharing your adjustment experiences. I'm still working on my festival time experience. Still want to labor in the kitchen, serve food up, dress a certain way,prayers,homecleaning,decoration!!
I recall one time I had hubby's friends over and I prepared a very elaborate feast. At the end of the evening I told my husband this is perfect I did everything like mom used to do in India. His words to me(in a very matter of fact tone) were yes but she has 3 servants to help her with it. Oh my gosh, really until that moment "that truth" hadn't struck me at all. Anyways, am much better now, infact truthfully I find it easier to cook for our videshi friends, they are soo appreciative of even the smallest things... "Cook" not "serve" serving up the food is still a major panic zone- yes I remember paper plates. But still wouldn't it be nice to have it all on nice dishes with some vegetable carving...... here I go again.
About children -Will keep it mind when my turn comes(i.e when my baby can actually express her likes and dislikes other that the "waaaahhhhhh"
Hey gogi! welcome to this forum and post. I completely agree have to keep mind open about speaking to people, getting to know them. Its just, its very very exhausting. Moreso in our kind of societies wherein we even physically move soo often....
note the negativity again!!!!- I'm unwell have been down witha cold/cough and my baby is ill with a ear infection. Nope not going down that path. Just thought I would write this incase there is anyone else out there under the weather. You have company! I remember one of my favorite memories in India was of this one friend who when i had soar eyes(pink eyes) she wanted to stick her finger in my eye and give herself the infection so that we both could be recuperating together! Crazy woman!!! here's to good friendships! and the luxury of both partners being able to fall ill at the same time. :)

~ Naazneen.

Hey Naazneen - glad to read that things have been improving for you. As Blondie pointed out, just make the best of what you have. Festival times dont bother me any more - what I do is if it falls on a holiday, I will prepare some the traditional food items. If it falls on a weekday, I light the lamp and say my prayers and if we have time, go to the temple in the evening. Usually, we are running around for some event for my daughter or my husband is held up at work - so there goes any plans that I might have had! In fact last year, we were not even at home on Diwali even though it fell on a saturday. We travelled with my daughter to watch her perform at marching band 3 hrs away. I had prepared some sweets, etc before we left and we had ziploc bags of them with us - my husand and I wished each other Happy Diwali in a hotel room and ate the sweets and mixture!

Shobana

Originally Posted by naazneen

I'm unwell have been down witha cold/cough and my baby is ill with a ear infection. Nope not going down that path.

~ Naazneen.

Hope you and your dear one feel better soon Nazneen.

Suggest you shouldn't do anything but to snuggle down with your daughter with a cup of warm chocolate and read aloud a book to her (ask your husband to bring in lunch and dinner). babies are stress busters. Nothing comforts me better than holding close my loved ones. Gosh I miss my babies.....My older one is doing summer term in college and younger one has hope fully woken up from slumber at home and I am at work currently on lunch break

Blondie - my thoughts exactly - goes back to the post you made regarding moms and grandmoms! My little one has grown up too and I miss those days of reading with her! Enjoy your time with your little one Naazneen.

Shobana

Oh gosh I feel like a horrible mom!!! I love my baby to death but really I would be lying if I said being around her right now is a stress buster. All I want to do is sleep and read and she only wants to climb up and down and play!!!. Really sometimes I could learn a few lessons on how to deal with illness from this little one!!

You are not a bad mom Naazneen - I know exactly how you feel - you are just stressed out with a energetic little one! Now with my daughter grown up, I can look back and it is different. Hindsight is 20/20!! It is quite alright not to want to play with her! If you get your required rest, you will be OK - when you are tired, your threshold is very low!! Live and learn - enjoy life's smallest moments!

Shobana