child sexual abusement

Originally Posted by kprema

Article is good.

But anywhere " Father is watching his teen age daughter undressing" as mentioned here happen?

Prema, I worked fulltime as a journalist who wrote extensively about children, health and crime. So what I am writing here comes from meeting the survivors of CSA, talking to abusers and to Law officials. Fathers abusing daughters (a scientist no less, not the illiterate, alcoholid lot), younger child abusing an older disabled child, woman abusing an older teenaged girl... all have happened. Malspie, you hit the nail on the head. Stranger Danger is a very serious thing alright, but nearly 85 percent of those abused say it's a relative/family friend who have access to you frequently.

Dear OP, amazing thread. Thanks a ton

A very informative post

Mals.. Thats very saddening and at the same time very frustrating, that people who we trust do something stupid like this. I hope he rots in hell even though he might be the best person otherwise. I can never tolerate people doing such things to innocent kids.

Every parent has a responsibility. The school or the society will not help you out like in other countries. I guess they need to sit and teach them the NO-NOs.

Please read through this:

http://wcd.nic.in/childabuse.pdf

Very informative and also explains very clearly.

Also, I need to disagree that there is no law for this stupid act.

Actually there is. Unlike many countries, laws in India does not distinguish child sexual abuse from rape. Indeed, the laws against child sexual abuse are in their developing stage (Raman, 1995). Not sure if its in place now.

Some parts of the law, however, are applicable to sexual abuse of a
child: sale, hire, distribution, or circulation of obscene objects of literature to children (293); obscene acts or utterances in public places (294); causing grievous hurt (325); unnatural offense (377); cheating (417); indecent behavior (509); and intent to rape (511).

So I guess people should be aware of this and make sure they use it to the fullest.

Also, like many other countries, India signed for Convention on the Rights of the Child somewhere in 1992. Thus, any current government should take action when called up for.

Originally Posted by Nandshyam

Also, I need to disagree that there is no law for this stupid act.

Actually there is. Unlike many countries, laws in India does not distinguish child sexual abuse from rape. Indeed, the laws against child sexual abuse are in their developing stage (Raman, 1995). Not sure if its in place now.

Some parts of the law, however, are applicable to sexual abuse of a
child: sale, hire, distribution, or circulation of obscene objects of literature to children (293); obscene acts or utterances in public places (294); causing grievous hurt (325); unnatural offense (377); cheating (417); indecent behavior (509); and intent to rape (511).

So I guess people should be aware of this and make sure they use it to the fullest.

Nandha, a very wellinformed post.
The ground reality is that many police officials (thankfully not all) end up booking the offender under greivous hurt if there has not been rape i.e. penile penetration. Those supporting retaining Sec 377 say it should be used more often to book CSA, especially since the punishment are more severe than other laws. It is a good idea to know what the legal system has in provision. great idea.

hi padmatvt,
thanks for the thread, it is very very informative, everyday i keep telling my son about inappropriate touching etc, i do tell him when i give him bath, when he is the bathroom.
now that my son has started kindergarten in a public school i'm more worried about all this. so whenever i get a chance i try to educate him.
this is a necessity to discuss especially when you are in a country like US.
thanks,
radha

Hi Padma,
Very informative and timely thread. Thanks for posting.
When my toddler grow up I have to educate and teach her.

Malspie,
Kudos to you. You are very very bold enough to come out.

Padmatvt - Thanks a lot for starting this thread & sharing the information about the most hidious act of mankind.

Pinki Virani has written a book "Bitter Chocolate" on this issue. It's a must-have must-read book & really gives you an insight of how things are preceived in Indian soicety with this regard. It really gives you a shiver as you go thru the pages & read about the incidents.

Most of the time, people aren't honest enough to accept that it happened to them. Hats off the Mals! Often we think, if we don't talk about it, maybe it'll go away. But if we do share it with someone, we aren't sure how they will preceive it. But how do you being to open up?

We, the present generation, are more aware & will enable our children to be honest & open with us.

Originally Posted by padmatvt

hi,

i think what i am posting each and every parents must be aware of this.

What is child sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse happens when an adult or older child uses a younger child for sexual stimulation. The stimulation may take the form of sexual fondling, handling of the genitals, attempted penetration, oral sex, or intercourse. A father watching his teenage daughter undress and shower is an example of hands-off sexual abuse.
Eighty-five percent of sexual assaults on children are committed by someone the child knows and usually trusts - an immediate family member, a relative, a neighbor, or a friend of the family. Most offenders are male. They come from all age, income, and educational groups. Their approach is usually not violent, although it often involves a threat or a bribe. The child might hear, "I won't like you anymore," or "I'll give you ..." The abuser relies on the child's ignorance, helplessness, and a lack of a clear understanding that she is being hurt.
Too many sexually victimized children, especially boys, never tell. Afraid that someone will blame them, they keep the abuse a secret. They fear rejection and punishment, or they think nobody will believe them. A relationship of trust or intimidation with the abuser also may silence the child.
At first, child sexual abuse may be marginally inappropriate, such as tickling or hugging to excess. During this initial contact, children can learn to ask someone for help, but first they must know that what is happening is wrong.


What you can do

Recognize your child's right to say no to physical attention.
Respect that right, be alert to the child's discomfort and intervene when necessary. Even very small children should not have to endure hugging, tossing, and patting they do not like. If they learn to ignore their feelings because expressing them makes no difference, children lose a valuable tool for protecting themselves.

Notice when others harass or take advantage of your child. Whether this is coming from adults or other children, your child needs to know how to respond appropriately.

Take what your child says seriously. Be available. Help your child figure out what to do in uncomfortable situations.

Express disapproval of inappropriate behavior in others. Do not justify the behavior of teachers, ministers, or grandparents, for example, just because of who they are. When you do, the child will not only distrust them, but also may distrust you.

Refuse to leave children with people you do not trust. Pay attention to warning signs, including your own intuitive hunches about what is a secure, safe environment. Abusers frequently are nice people from nice families.



Child Power

We can teach children to protect themselves from sexual abuse by explaining the dangers in a matter-of-fact way. Instill in them a sense of their own power to say "No!" or to leave or call for help when faced with a threatening person or situation.

Never insist that a reluctant child kiss a relative or friend of the family. This teaches the child that adults expect him to submit to unwanted familiarity. The youngster who learns early to be selective about friendships, touching, and other expressions of affection is prepared to fend off unwanted attentions and invitations. Encourage children to value privacy and personal space. They also should know they can talk to you freely about their thoughts and feelings.

Don't stifle the child's ability to give and receive affection. And don't instill an inappropriate mistrust of adults. The younger the child, the more attention you must pay to this. Teach children to trust their feelings and to let affection come naturally.
What every child should know

There is a difference between good, bad, and confusing touch. Know how to tell the difference. Parents should know that pre-school children don't always understand the concepts of good touch or bad touch. Studies show that young children can understand feelings connected with extreme experiences such as being hit "bad" versus being hugged "good." Young children are often confused by situations that fall between the two extremes. Most sexual abuse involves gentle fondling and is accompanied by gentle and caring words. Very young children may have difficulty perceiving this as "bad" touch.

It is all right to say no. Trust your feelings of discomfort, no matter who the person is. Say no to unwanted hugs, pats on your buttocks, and touching that confuses or bothers you. Alternatives include running away, removing the person's hand, and yelling "stop."

There are no secrets. It is wrong for someone to ask you not to tell your parents. It is wrong to trap you into breaking a rule and then threaten to tell if you don't cooperate. It is not right for someone to give you a gift and then expect something from you.

You should refuse a request if it: feels weird; will separate you from other children; goes against family rules; involves a secret; or seems like an unearned special favor.
What if. . .?

If your child has already been assaulted, be glad that you know about it. Many children grow to adulthood harboring their secret with no one to comfort or protect them. Many have suffered years of sexual assault with no one to stop it. You still have time to help your child heal and learn protective skills for the future. Take the following steps:

1. Believe what you have heard.
2. Comfort the child. Explain that it was not his fault. The abuser is at fault and needs help.
3. Let the child know you are sorry it happened. Reassure her that you aren't angry at her and that she hasn't been bad.
4. Tell her you will make sure it doesn't happen again. Children need to feel protected.
5. Get counseling for the child, and maybe for the family.


The cycle of abuse can be broken

We cannot protect our children by sheltering them from the truth. We must teach them about the potential for sexual abuse, and prepare them to react assertively to inappropriate touch and other signs of danger. As a society, we must refuse to tolerate the crime of child sexual abuse. In addition, education and counseling are needed to promote healing for both victims and abusers. The subtle, silent trauma of child sexual abuse can be prevented.

bye

I have been a victim of a child sexual abuse when i was around 5-6 years old. At that time i could not tell this to anybody because i was living with my grandmother & grandaunt.I did not know how to tell them & what.I could not tell my mother because she does not have that bonding with me plus she was very friendly with this guy who was our neighbour in Trichur,Kerala.But now,though he is not staying there anymore,i can weed him out if i want to through my contacts.........
I have been thinking about it because this incident has left me scarred very badly.

Originally Posted by geevee68

I have been a victim of a child sexual abuse when i was around 5-6 years old. At that time i could not tell this to anybody because i was living with my grandmother & grandaunt.I did not know how to tell them & what.I could not tell my mother because she does not have that bonding with me plus she was very friendly with this guy who was our neighbour in Trichur,Kerala.But now,though he is not staying there anymore,i can weed him out if i want to through my contacts.........
I have been thinking about it because this incident has left me scarred very badly.

GV, virtual hugs from all of us here. One way to heal is to get some professional help and move on. I have seen people in close quarters who have gone through abuse in their childhood and survive it to become a strong person. I hope you get the help you need to come out of your trauma.

Originally Posted by malspie

Child Sexual abusement is very common in the world but very rarely discussed. Children who do not share a great rapport with their parents live with the abuse and it definitely effects their personality.

I was around four to five years old and my uncle would often visit my place. I was a loner as a child and was all to myself. This uncle one day showed his "%" to me and told me it is his digestive handle.Food gets digested with that handle. I remember touching that handle and even asked him why i do not have that handle. He told me as I grow older I will also have such a handle to digest food. I took it as part of information and let it go.

In my second standard the teacher put up a chart of digestive system on the board and explained to us the Alimentary Canal. At that point of time it struck me that there was no mention of any digestive handle on the chart.

I explained to my mother about the missing handle. She was shocked and asked me from where did I learn this. I told her about that one incident. My mom was furious and I do not remember how she handled the whole issue, but, explained to me clearly what it actually was.

Later, whenever i spot that uncle in any get to gethers, marriages or parties I keep a distance. I never raise any conversation with him. His wife and children are very close to me.

Since I kept a distance from him, he would always keep names for me. He would tell everyone that i may be involved with a muslim or christian and thats the reason I am not getting married. He would induce fights by
passing one liners. It never bothered me.

As we grew up i told his elder daughter about that incident. She hated her father.

My friends uncle use to hug her around her just blooming breasts when she was a kid. He would also have his fun. Atleast I told my mom, she never told anybody as she was very frightened of her parents. This continued for sometime. Later, she started avoiding him whenever he is at home.

Sexual abuse need not always be from a stranger, it could come from your own relatives too... I have been bold enough to admit so that anyone who has sufffered can come out in the open. Its no shame. You have not done anything but exposed a dirty character in public...

I too have had a similiar experience from my neighbor when i must have been 7 years. He FORCIBLY lied on top of me n jerked off between my legs. I knew that it was not a normal thing.After that i avoided that guy like a plague. I remember his name,Balakrishnan,a medical representative in Trichur dist,Kerala in 1975.

Originally Posted by tikka

GV, virtual hugs from all of us here. One way to heal is to get some professional help and move on. I have seen people in close quarters who have gone through abuse in their childhood and survive it to become a strong person. I hope you get the help you need to come out of your trauma.

Hey,thanks dear for your concern. I have moved on but every time i hear an incident like that ,it enrages me to no end & i really wish iam the one to cut off the abuser`s ....!