To have a second child or not...

Hello,
I would like to start a discussion on whether to have a second child. I am a full time working mom with a happy cheerful 5 year old son.
I have lot of dreams about raising my son. I want to give him the best life I can, send him to private school, and be there for him during his growing years to give him moral support and advice and company.

I know that all the above things may not be possbile if I have another child. I would need an additional paycheck to send 2 kids to private school :)

Actually, until now, we have never known what we are missing without a second child.
But whenever there is a friend's get together, I am constantly asked the question - are'nt you having another one and it is getting late.
I realize that everyone I know have 2 children already and it seems to be the society norm.

I hear people say that they are having a second child not for themselves, but so that their child have a company later in life.
I know that there are no guarantees in life and I have my own personal experience about this. (from my only brother who was so close to me while growing up, but deserted me and our loving parents after he married someone he chose and has never ever cared for us ever since. I am well settled in life, but still my parents worry that he is not close to me)

What are the pros and cons of a single child. I would like opinions from those of you who chose to have a second child and also those of you chose to have a single child.
Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Mythili

hi Mythili,

actually i shouldn't say regarding as i dont have any child but expecting first very soon. But u said u have a kid 5yrs and u r happy, u r full time working mom, i feel it will be difficult to care for two children but if u find it easy to go on with two kids without any or with little minor problems then u can go ahead for the second baby. now a days we see single child psychology they feel lonely, they sometimes hesitate to share their views with outsiders, very rare cases they are outspoken. single child somtimes is stubborn, can't share anything with others. But i have seen when i was working full time working finds difficult to raise their children by themselves, u may have to depend on ayahs, tutors for ur kids. u see if ur condition permits u go ahead otherwise i don't feel we should plan anything because people are saying. choose better option which will best for u and ur child.

bye

padma

Dear Mythili,

Long post---

I am an only child. I grew up not missing a sibling for two reasons-

1) for starters, I really did not know what I was missing (that is having a sibling under the same roof, sharing stuff, more important sharing living space, bathrooms, parental affection and pay checks)

2) I lived in a semi-joint family. My valiyachan and family lived next door, so I literally grew up there playing with my cousins and their children.

As I grew up, my father often used to tell me to keep affectionate ties with all relatives on both sides, and even with extended family and friends since he did not want me to be isolated later in life. And so it was almost till now. I lost my father last year, family rallied round protectively and then as it is, all went their way. Now after all these years, I have become a clingy baby, clinging to my mother for everything. The fact that she is my only surviving blood relative is on my mind all the time.

Now, if I had had a sibling, there is no guaratee that we would have been friends. Or that her/his spouse would have been supportive of my family and our affection. But at the end of the day, all said and done, all fought and sought, I would still have had a sibling to call my own. I also think that over the years I grew up, it would have made me a fuller person. I would have learnt to share at the micro, personal level. I would have learnt what it means to share attention of my parents, their resources. Maybe my sibling would have been better than me in all talents. Maybe my sibling would have been weaker than me in everything. Either way, I would have learnt many survival and social skills with a sibling under the same roof.

And having a second child would also have made my parents a wee bit more realxed. While it is easy to accept success,I have always felt bad when my parents never ever blamed me when things went wrong and blamed themselves. A sibling with a different life pattern would have made them also more relaxed and content as parents.

My husband has a brother and sister- all within three years difference. They are aggressively competitive in everything from studies to sharing. But when one has a problem, the other two rally round and take the burden.I find either behavious extreme, a golden mean would have suited me better. But, I still sight a comraderie, a shared bond that binds them together.

I am losing my point here, so will get back later with more.

Amd more random thoughts.

A few years back, I taught a course in Europe where maost of mys students were Chinese. And one shared an interesting trivia. In China with the one child per family (strict) rule, all children in this generation are only children. The families shower all affection and resources on them. Children grew up petulent and petted, very centered in their own existence and welfare. My student used to tell me that she was learning the wider perspective of interacting with people who have siblings,only after coming to Europe.

My point being- for a full time mom with a frisky five year old, having a second child may seem daunting. But if I were in your place,I would have another baby. I know that pay checks will seem smaller, houses will shrink, holidays will become few.But two children is not too/two much. It strengthens the family.

Dear Mythili,

Mine is also a similar problem even i was under a conclusion that one kid is more than enough for me (i have a 2.5 yrs old daughter at Pre kg) until i lost my mother last october.

we are 2 sisters and iam being the elder iam always happy sharing all the griefs & happiness with her. to tell u more we lost our dad too 6 yrs back so now we have none other than each other to care . so even i have decided to go for another kid after 2 years ,

do not worry on the financial part . you can always mend to earn more when you think of your kids..let there be a sibling for ur son too..

Decide Happily........Good Luck

Dear Mythili

I agree with Vidya on this since I am also on the same boat like you with a 4 1/2 yr old kid.The only difference is I have already decided to have a second child just for my son's sake.Earlier,because of my difficult first pregnancy,I did not want to have a second child.But as my son is growing up,I feel that he really needs a sibling to be around with him even after we are gone from this world. He has become quite reclusive and keeps playing on his own when he is at home but when he is with other kids,he is the happiest and he really enjoys being a caring and protective person.

I myself have an elder sister who is 15 months older than me and we are thick friends.I really cannot imagine being a single child.I sincerely thank my parents for that.

I had a miscarriage last November and at that time I had really not decided on a second child.But somehow after that,my resolve to have a second child has only increased..but everything is in God's hands now.

Another thing is,if we have a single child,like Vidya said,our expectations are all centered on that one kid and since we want the best for our kid,we will want to do anything so that we give our kid only the best.What will happen is we will end up spoiling our own child with our own actions and tomorrow,our kid will not be able to accept 'NO' for an answer for anything.I am not saying this happens in every single child household,but it happens in about 99% of such households.

Dear Mythili, Better go for second child immediately or u may regret later as I do now. My first child was born after 4 years of marriage and i didn't have a second one. Since I was working when she was born, I thought I should postpone next child for some more time. That thought i feel has become a villain and i never had a second one. Until last year my daughter used to feel very bad and use to keep on asking me why God didn't give me a brother or sister? Whenever she hears that there is a child birth in the neighbourhood she used to come and cry to me saying why I don't have a sibling. I feel very very guilty and regret for not having tried for a second child. Whenever we go to India and visit temples she would say I prayed to God to give me a brother or sister. It is really a pity and I often curse myself for not having consulted the doctor on time. Now that I am 40, I feel that it is too late. I am also scared that if I have a child at my age and if it turns out to be disabled or something then I will be troubling my sweet little darling throughout her life for she will have to take care of that child later on. When I told her this once she even went to the extent of saying that she wouldn't mind taking care of such a child but she only wanted a sibling. So I always advise youngsters to try for the second child at the earliest.

There may be difference of opinions between siblings but at times of need they will be the first to shoulder us. There is no doubt in it. My husband is born with 2 brothers and 1 sister. They are very affectionate to each other though they don't look so. When my m-in-law underwent By-pass surgery all were so tensed up but didn't talk that out. After the surgery was over successfully they hugged each other standing in front of a temple in the hospital and cried for about half an hour. So don't ever think that your brother will be like that always. He will surely give a helping hand when there is a need.

Thanks and regards,

Sujatha

hi Dear Mythili,

I agree with most points already mentioned.
To reiterate from my experience... We are three sisters, each busy in their own lives, but just the thought that each of the other is around if required, is a consolation by itself. Our parents are still around, so we are relaxed due to that reason as well.

As for my own self, I do not yet have kids, probably cannot have - but I wish to adopt if hubby gets ok with it (though time is already running out!).
But I have a step-daughter who is now 11.5 years. I came on the scene 3 years ago, when she was 8.5 years. She is quite spoilt by both my in-laws, esp. since she is a lonely child, add to it that her mother abandoned her when she was tiny. So, all the more reason she is badly behaved.
But she sorely misses having a sibling. She says so and also yearns for one, just to play (and fight!)

I know she would have been a better behaved child had another kid been around. When my s-i-l's kids come over from abroad, she really enjoys, though her nature is not so much of sharing (having been so pampered).

I feel that it is essential to have a sibling. If you are able to manage, financially, and other aspects-wise, please go ahead with another one. But if too much trouble, or risky for you health-wise, then you have to refrain.

best,
hasita

Talking of adoption, I even think many a time to adopt not one, but 2 children. Just so that the one is not alone. (though my step-daughter is around, but still, I have not brought her up)

Hi
If you are financially sound , you have resources to look after the baby , your health permits , and if ur hubby is OK... you should definately go for the second one
more the merrier ;))

Aniya