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Originally Posted by adara  her dad has encouraged her conversational skills which really is doing her good even without her knowledge because right now in our kids school, when the school needs parent volunteers for organizing anything I always see her name and email telling she will take up the role. She has excellent leadership qualities too. |
I hope she realizes how important it is to have leadership qualities??? If she does not, then it is your job to let her know this. I know of many an academic who has ZERO people skills and fails miserably in any job that requires strong 'soft' skills or demands that they successfully coordinate, and, lead, a group of people as a TEAM. Your friend's father may not have sat her down and tutored her in math or science, but he honed her leadership and people skills, and, for this, she must be eternally grateful to him.
She also needs to back off from playing the blame-game where her mother is concerned. The lady did the best she could, given her resources, and, considering her own situation and limitations at the time. Your friend may perceive her mother to have been 'lazy', but if this was truly the case, then that home would have gone to shreds. It takes a LOT of work to run a home, raise three kids, and, frequently be called upon to entertain your husbands' friends almost every single day. I don't know about you, but whenever my DH announces that so-and-so is coming to dinner, or when I invite people over, I spend almost the entire day cleaning the house and cooking for the guests and hardly have a moment to breathe. Add in two young kids to the mix and I can fully see what her mother was dealing with, especially if entertaining, and playing host, to her husband's numerous friends and debate buddies was *not* an option for the lady at all.
The way I see it, both parents did their best. Maybe it wasn't an ideal situation for a child who needed motivation and lacked self-discipline but when you think about how much worse it could have been - depressed / abusive / negligent parents making her live in poverty etc, your friend did not really have it as badly off as she believes that she did. She needs to wake up and realize this first.
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Originally Posted by adara She said she was preparing for medical entrance and her parents did not even bother to arrange any coaching ( seeing her performance in class was not that good, not that she opened her mouth and asked that she needed) for her since her brother went into professional college without any coaching. She says her dad thinks he has successfully raised all the kids but she thinks she is a misfit. According to her doing professional degrees is what success is all about and now she has crossed that age to become a doctor! |
Are her parents supposed to have been mind-readers? If she needed extra help, then the onus was on her to have asked for extra help. She was 16 / 17 at the time, wasn't she? Not a 1-yr-old who was unable to express any needs!
If she thinks - despite the accomplishments she has under the belt - that she is a misfit, then she is suffering from a very low self-esteem and needs counseling. While your intention, as a friend, to help her is admirable, you cannot do much because she needs counseling from a professional. You may temporarily pep her up, but it will only last for a little while. The second that something 'hits' her (as you put it), she is going to go right back to the woe-is-me frame of mind.
As for her argument that she is TOO old to become a doctor, my dear Adara, please let her know that one is NEVER too old to become ANYTHING, especially if one is living in a Western country. I am no young chit, and I am back in school to pursue a degree in a field that I have ALWAYS loved but never had a chance to dabble in back when I was a young girl in India. I see some 50-year-olds in my class, women whose children have grown, who have been SAHMs for years and years and years, some of whom are even GRANDMOTHERS, shift away from the "Mommy" mode, and move into the "career-woman" mode. In fact, a couple of them are great inspirations for me. Every time I feel flagged down, want to throw in the towel, and wonder if I'm too old to be doing "this" (with two young kids to boot, at that), these women pep me up and get me going again.
If she's REALLY adamant about it, then all she has to do is to pull herself together, get back to school and go after that medical degree. But, from what you write, I get the feeling that your friend is not really any more motivated - academically - today than she was when she was a young child. That's probably just her personality and there is nothing wrong with it. However, she does need to stop feeling as if she has not achieved her full potential in life because (a) academia is not the be-all and end-all of everything and (b) she has other talents - important life-skills at that - that cannot be learned at any University, innate talents that even some post-doctorals do not have.
In short, she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself, get rid of the woe-betide-me attitude, and, while she is at it, hop off of the blame-train. She is too old, and too much of her own person, now to continue pointing her fingers at Mom & Dad anymore. Time for her to take some personal responsibility, so to speak. She's a big girl, now, and if it will take an M.D after her name to make her feel worthy, then she must go for it with everything that she has.
I wish her all the luck in the world.
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to your post. I really admire the way you analyze each and every detail and then give your advise with that positive attitude always. I have already told my friend that I would be putting up her past here and she was OK with it and also I promised her that she could read every reply as it comes. So, today I am going to show her and ask her to read every detail very carefully. 
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