is it okay to have a single child?

Hi everyone,

I am mom to a two year toddler and am thinking about my second baby now. But given the hectic pace of work for my husband and very little support from our families on a day-to-day basis since we live so far away from home, I sometimes wonder if it would be right to have a second child.
1. Will I end up neglecting both my kids?
2. Is it necessary for a child to have a sibling?
3. Would it be better to bring up a single well-rounded child than two mediocre ones?

Please share ur experiences with me to help me decide.
Thanks,
Palak

It is nice that you are giving a deep thought about how your life and family should be. Today, planning a child is the done thing, until God intervenes and takes over your plans! I hope you are enjoying your two year toddler to the fullest as time flies and he/she is an young adult before you even realise.
All those years ago, I too was troubled with the same thoughts as your's after having my first daughter. I thought one is enough and I should do my best by her and bring her up as a good and happy human being in this troubled world. But as my daughter grew up, she was always interested in spending time in other people's houses who had one or more kids as she missed playmates at home. On one of my trips home to India, I noticed that she was being neglected by her little cousins during playtimes as they had their own siblings to play with.I realised that my daughter is going to be lonely when she grows up as she did not have cousins or any relatives in the country we lived in. I began give this some thought and realised that she needed somebody to relate to closely even when we may not exist anymore in her life, more so as we lived abroad far from other family members. Today, she says she would not have forgiven us if she was the only girl and loves her younger sister and they are great buddies and support for each other.
Having said that, I also know of friends who have a single child. Atleast in two cases, I know that these children (girls in both cases) are very happy and had a privileged upbringing by loving and thoughtful parents. They have turned out to be intelligent and loving daughters. They have both said that they have wished for a sibling at one or the other time, but are fine as they are.
Whatever you may decide, be clear of one thing. It is not true that you will be able to bring up only one child as a 'well rounded' human being. What you will do with one child, you will do with two or more!! Your qualities as a mother will not diminish with a second offspring. I see that you are already a 'thinking' mom. As such, you wont go wrong:)
All the best in whatever you decide.

L, Kamla

Dear Palak,

Whether they are girls or boys or one of each, kids should have company. Only their development in sharing will be complete. Children fight with eachother, makeup etc...they learn from their own sister/brother only. Otherwise they'll feel lonely, not having anybody as their own.
Nowadays when parents are working and is out of home most of the time, the only child will be alone at home till they come back. If he/ she has a brother/sister, they'll have company. Don't you think so??
And you need not worry about losing your parental qualities, that you'll never. you'll do better the next time, since you learnt a lot while bringing up the first one. All the best
Latha

When I read the title, I just clicked it immediately as even I am in the same situation, my son is 3 and every family member is talking about the next one, I have told them that I am not going to have another baby. Sometimes I feel I am being selfish, may be I am depriving my son of sibling love.......but at the same time, I feel afford to have one more kid for various reasons......at first I had thought of adopting a kid but now even that I am doubtfull as I am not confident that I can give that child the same love as I already have a biological child.......I dont want to spoil that childs life. All confused....but at present with a single child decision

hi everyone,
i am a new member. the moment i read this, i felt that all answers are for my deep thinking about having a second child, that has araised just yesterday. you won't believe it. but that is true.

It all started after my daughter 6 years old, came crying when her playmates neglected her. it happenens every now and then. i just don't know how to handle this problem. i worried that she might loose her self esteem , may become very lonely etc. i am more confused. because we decided not to have a second one.

Can anyone give me possible ideas to console my daughter, to develope her selfesteem, whenever she comes back home crying.

i am really more concerned.


bye hamsa.

Hi Hamsa,

Stop blaming urself for what happens to ur daughter in her friend's circle. Do u think if she has a brother or a sister, such incidents wont happen.... ask ur friends who have 2 kids... even their kids face such situations. My cousin's son is 7 ..he has a sister aged 4... but he was facing the same problem.... we used to feel he plays cricket very well...but his mother revealed to my astonishment that for nearly 2 years... his friends never allowed him to bat or ball.... he was just allowed to field... though not the choicest... he stuck to it just to be in the group.... but of course he would cry at home... making the mother's heart wrench.

But the problem with parents, specially mothers, who have single child... is that they relate each and every small problem to the child not having a sibling.... believe me I faced this problem even till my daughter was in eighth standard.... then i started discussing with other mothers with single kid and mothers with 2 or more kids.... ( I found that my daughters friends who had siblings also faced the same problems as my kid ) I think basically its the child's own behaviour and attitude which accounts for what he/she faces in the peer group....

If u have decided to stick to one child, then make sure u are friendly with the child.... learn to play with the child... for that u may have to playact as a child of that age ( i have played even banglewali, veedu veedu...., been a patient to my doctor daughter, a daugther to her speaking in mazhalai and may such games .. but i used to enjoy those moments). Mainly start listening to what the child has to say about day today activities.... Improve the child's mindset and make him/her a strong person..... But first and foremost relax and stop blaming urself for everything ur child faces at school or at play.

Priyim

Hai,
there seems to be confusion in many things nowadays, what to have and what not to have. I feel that these are individual decisions, there are no hard and fast rules.
It is good to have more than one child generally. But there are so many instances where the siblings are not even on talking terms.
My hubby has 2 elder brothers, but there is no contact with the eldest even though we live in the same city. The second one calls on and off because father stays with them. My hubby used to be very attached to them all, but their indifference to us has caused him to be away from them.
I have 4 siblings, but when I am in trouble or need any help, it is not possible for them to help me due to circumstances. I have managed many emergencies alone for the past 19 years.
So having a sibling may or may not be a boon.
But I would suggest that you have another child, I love children.

Dear Kamla,

Thank you for responding and discussing all my doubts in such detail. Yes, I am very keen to have another child but I really need to work out the logistics. I had a very tough first year with my toddler with little help from anyone and it is this thought that really troubles me. I am not sure if I can manage a toddler and an infant on my own.I completely agree with you that my child may feel lonely and left out because my siblings and cousins have two kids each. And as he grows a little older he may begin to feel left out on his visits to our hometown.

My parents are not pressurising me for the next one because they know they are not really in a position to help me. My in-laws want a second grandchild but will not commit on any support.
Anyway, hopefully, I should finally be able to do it on my own. Thank you for ur support.

Warm wishes,
Palak

Yes, Palak,

For the first baby ,yes it makes such a scene of happiness at home. For the second baby , it becomes if you want you have it and go through with it by yourself. Because by that time , our parents are not able to support. When I had my daughter, I went in for a normal delivery + sterilisation. So I had to be in bed for sometime. My mother could not give baby the bath, I had to, from the 4th day after the operation. Even the stitches hadn't been removed.. !! I had to go home because nobody could stay with me at the nursinghome??
So that happens.. We have to be ready to face the consequences.. I am not scaring you.. Palak.
Just like varloo, I am for the second baby..
Latha

Hi,
I absolutely accept what Varloo said. Whether you have siblings or not,
life is based on one`s own attitude. I live far away from home. Recently
I had a baby, that also with c-section. I got no help from anybody. My husband and myself suffered like anything. Still I find it difficult to take care
of the baby without any help. I have 2 sisters, but they are of no help either
physically or psychologically. When I was a kid, I was attached to them closely. My parents and In-laws are very old, they can`t
help. If I go to my native place then also they are of no help.Some times I used to think what is the use of having siblings? Everything
depends upon one`s own fortune. So, we decided to have only one child.
Each and every situation and circumstance cannot be compared with one another. Because everybody has unique experience.
We can ask for suggestions, but the final decision should be ours, and we have to stick to that. No regrets afterwards.