Psychology of the elder child when a new sibling is born?

SGBV · Aug 27, 2015

My sister has just given birth to a baby boy. Everyone in the family is very happy about the arrival of the new prince except his 3 year old elder sister.

Yes, my sister's elder DD seems extremely dissatisfied and unhappy about the fact that she has a sibling.

A little background :

My sister is extremely loving and treating her elder DD as an angel from heaven.

The elder dd has become so spoilt that she does not get satisfied with anything. She would rather demand and demand till the mother is drained with no energy.

A few examples for your info :

Eg: If bread is prepared for B'fast, the DD would ask Puttu. Then sis has to prepare that for her. After 1-2 spoons, she would demand something else. Then she has to make that dish too. That too before she leaves for work.
In any case sis couldn't do the alternatives, DD would starve. Won't eat till evening.

Eg: DD demands sister shouldn't lift any kids. Now if any kids goes near my sister, DD would hurt them. Either hit them, pull their hair or push them hard.
So, sis always avoid going near anyone's kids to prevent this

DD is a momma's girl, who doesn't bond with anyone. All the cousins come home and play, but she wouldn't join them.

She spends all the times with her grand parents, but never gel with them because they also bond closely with their other grand kids.

Now that, my sister delivered a child. DD hates the newborn and his bonding with her mom.

Since it was a c-sec, sister couldn't lift DD as before. It hurts her more. Although sis prepares foods, and feed DD as first priority and also keeps her near all the time, she feels isolated.
She hates the newborn and always try to hurt him. Despite properly guarding the little one, he has already received a few pinches and bites, which are painful.

Although there are many people at home, DD doesn't gel with anyone.

Everyone blames my sister for this upbringing. She is helpless as she is already tired handling 2 equally demanding kids after a c-sec.

Any helps to correct this little girl?

guesshoo · Aug 27, 2015

Yes. It sounds like it is your sister's fault for not having nipped it in the bud. Unless your sister chooses to do something about it, things are not going to change. She has to become firm with her daughter and stop this power struggle.

She has to use a firm voice and a firm face while talking to her daughter if she tries to harm her brother. And at 3, she ought to be getting a consequence like a time out for her actions. Right now the safety of the new born seems to be at risk. It might be better if there is someone else - like say, grandparents - who can take her over for the next few months.

Your sister importantly has to start saying "STOP" to her daughter - it is not being mean. Tell her it is character building... If her tantrums keep getting her what she wants the child isn't about to change. And that will be the parents' fault.

SGBV · Aug 28, 2015

guesshoo said: ↑

Yes. It sounds like it is your sister's fault for not having nipped it in the bud. Unless your sister chooses to do something about it, things are not going to change. She has to become firm with her daughter and stop this power struggle.

She has to use a firm voice and a firm face while talking to her daughter if she tries to harm her brother. And at 3, she ought to be getting a consequence like a time out for her actions. Right now the safety of the new born seems to be at risk. It might be better if there is someone else - like say, grandparents - who can take her over for the next few months.

Your sister importantly has to start saying "STOP" to her daughter - it is not being mean. Tell her it is character building... If her tantrums keep getting her what she wants the child isn't about to change. And that will be the parents' fault.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what my self, my mom and her in laws have advised my sister thus far. She isn't seem to be getting it right. Perhaps, her hormonal imbalance makes her very weak at times.
She feels compelled to be mean at her DD, and after being harsh with her words or action to stop her tantrums, she immediately lock her room and cry alone. She feels guilt for being mean to the dearie DD.

Also, what made me write this post here was the DD's poor state of mind. At the age of 3, she looks so vexed and drained that she has no interest to even play with her cousins. She is so much affected about this younger fellow it seems. It needs a quick change though.

Glad to hear that you also suggested this option of taking the elder one out from the house for a few weeks. I live not so far, and she gels great with me. I thought of taking her with me for a few days though. She agreed too. But my sister extremely worries and feels so guilt about it.

Thanks for your advice @Guesshoo

cutemonster · Aug 28, 2015

With the arrival of a new sibling elder child is surely going to be little emotional and act needy but in this case the girl was already little spoiled. Since she is too close to her mom , I am wondering how will she react if she is left alone with a grandparent , I mean she should not think that mom has forsaken her and ia now loving the new baby more.you can pitch in and take her for weekend and plan something.
Your sister needs to toughen up, disciplining a child is also important.
I think the mom should firmly deal with the girl but at the same time also involve her in things related to the baby.

SGBV · Aug 28, 2015

We tried involving her the things related to the baby, as we recently did the same for my kids too.
But she was very reluctant, and sometimes she started using the baby stuff for her play. That lead further problems and tantrums there.
Eg: She would grab baby cream or any other baby product just like that, and claim it should be given to her. Else, she would throw it or waste it.
That idea didn't work.

She is too close to her mom, as well as mom's relatives, such as me, my mom, and my kids. Not all the mom's side relatives' though.

If I am there, she will spend all the times with me only. During then, she wouldn't bother about her mom or the kid. But then, she wouldn't let me go near my own kids, though the little one would cry to come near me. If I lift, then she would hurt the other child.
If we warn her or try to discipline, then she would throw a big tantrum. That's why many other little kids avoid her.
That's also the reason I feel like we should do something now.

Sweetgirl123 · Aug 31, 2015

I can imagine what my grandmother would say to this. It sounds like the 3 year old is on charge of all and not the way around.
If the kid wants to throw a fit then let it. Don't take it personal. Kids this age are learning to adjust and express their feelings. It's especially hard feelings when things don't go your way, hence the tantrum. The more attention you get for a tantrum the more likely a tantrum will be. It is important to talk about feelings, and appropriate ways to show and communicate them. But not during the tantrum. Best just to ignore the tantrum. If the child is behaving good, then praise it for that.
at any rate, some alone time with mom or an adult is good but also times where several kids play together with the adult. The rules should be explained in advance: we will do this and that. We will play with x and y. We won't hit or bite because it's really ouch. If we hit then we can't do x.We have to say sorry if we hit.we don't like something we can say we don't like.
changes don't happen over night and it is needed to explain concepts lots of times before they sink in.and it's really important to be consequential and not make exceptions to rules. Only say what you mean and are willing to follow through . Otherwise she will think she says that but if I ignore and cry I will get it done my way.

vaidehi71 · Aug 31, 2015

I had it between my kids and it was and is still a big trouble.

surekhap · Aug 31, 2015

It happens to every child. the elder ones always gets more attention why because they are the first ones and we pet them a lot and after the seconds birth automatically our attention will be on both of them. but the elder ones become unsecure thinks that the younger have taken their place as half of the attention was shifted to wards them.
if we take them away from her mother she may fell still more that because of the second child she was being separated from her mother. this felling will be continued through out the life time.
you should make her understand that the new born has not taken her place. she is
still lovable one for her mother.
you mentioned about the baby cream ask your sister to apply babycream for her DD first and ask the big daughter to apply the baby cream for the new born in your guidance then she will understand that her mother still cares for her and she should be caring the younger one.
scolding may make things still worse. please don't do that.
always make her feel that is ever important for her mother .
this is my opinion

deeprapriya · Aug 31, 2015

try below things...Dont know if it will work but over a period of time it should.

Appreciate DD always in the presence of new born.

Try to involve in new born activities like bathing, putting dress and other stuffs. Tell her, she was the same when she was a baby and things are that are done to her only is being done for the new born.

Make her play with the new born along with mother.

To be put simply, ask her to take care of her bro like his mom in few ways atleast.

Start being strict to her once in a while. If she is too much adamant, it is not good. Educate her to accept a 'No'.

Dont separate her from mom, she will not change.

Not sure if the above will work. Pls try