do you compare your parenting techniques to that of your parents'?

Hello all,

I have been going through agonising days ever since my daughter was born.The thing is,as a child I was highly intuitive and always disapproved of certain parenting techniques used by my parents while bringing us up.

Do you compare yourselves a parents to your parents and the way they brought you up?I always fear that I will end up using similar techniques,which I donot want to.I find that I am doing exactly what I hated when my father did the same when I was a child-for instance,shouting at us for the slightest mistake,not accepting even genuine reasons for a not-exactly-expected performance in school,etc etc.I donot want my child to be the child that I was..I only want to give her a better life and a keen understanding of the world,such as I never had as a child.Do you follow the same parenting techniques as your parents?Every morning as I wake up,I am reminded of incidents in my childhood when I think now as I am a parent too, that maybe if my parents only had a little more patience to hear us out..I am disturbed by this even more and my regrets seem to be rising..what to do?

hi vini,
i wud like 2 follow few things which were imposed on us as a child n now thats has b/c apart of it....like punctuality ; discipline ; respecting the elders...n all these which every parent wud teach 2 their children.....
the things which i lacked are - my dad being a business man -he didnt have time 2 spare for the family ; we rarely get a glance of him....so there was a BIG gap b/n the both [this changed after me getting into college n circumstances made me understd that , he was keeping himself busy..for the welfare of his wife n kids n he has sacrificed mny things 2 cm to the present position ].

.n the next thing is, the choices given 2 children were less - even the course/profession 2 b choosed ,was decided by them...n we children we never had the guts 2 say a no! n we rarely share our thoughts....
& now coming 2 the point, my daughter is growing n i wanna b a good friend 2 her, i want her 2 share everythg 2 me...n i dont wanna force her into anythg....i wud surely give her suggestions,but decision shd b her's...that doesnt mean that i'l support her in watever she does.....i just want things 2 happen in a positive way.....lets c....donno wat the future holds for us........

dear friend,
i agree that in some ways we tend to use the same parenting skills which our parents used on us.like the side of a coin every action has positive -negative effect.it depends on us which side we see.so ur father may have shouted on u to get better performance ,u see the negative side of it but maybe ur siblings think that this made them achievers in life ,so better not be too judgemental of ur parents action,as this will just make u bitter towards them.
regarding raising ur kid i feel that if u r aware that certain behaviour of our parents was not right we naturally tend to avoid it.also do not trouble ur self too much.even if u end up being a book perfect parent ur kids will find fault in that to.see they r watching everything from the eye of a kid & a kid may not realise that u r doing something for his benefit . like a kid will want to play with knife or scissors but u will not allow it. so yrs later he may remember the incident as something which he wanted desperately but u denied him that thing.
just trust ur judgement.give ur kids time,love &never beat him.

DEAR VINI,
dont be so disturbed. it is in some ways bound to happen that we will emulate our parents even in parenting techniques. But the most important thing to remember is that whatever you are doing is for the welfare of the child. Yes in some ways if you become to hard or demanding it may have a negative effect, but you must not feel guilty. nowadays the pressure of living in a nuclear family adds up to these behaviours, as we women are supposed to take care of everything on our shoulders. Hence added pressure. Do try and relax and think of your experiences which you did not like as a child and try and control yourself when you see yourself behaving the way your father did. By trying two or three times am sure you will succeed.dont worry, when your daughter grows up she will know it was for her good.

Hi Vini,

I understand u because I think we are sailing in the same boat.
I was the third daughter to my parents. They never share their
thoughts with me but rather to my sisters. Some times I felt very
unsecured (even now also). Because of the circumstances in which
we brought up our INNER CHILD is affected. That is the reason for
all of our psychological problems. I have gone through a very tough
path and I am still fighting to overcome the hurdles.
I have 15 months old baby. I too felt the same way what you are feeling
now. All my childhood memories splashed over me. I read an article
in AMERICAN BABY magazine ( I cannot remember the title) which
states that it is common to have depression and flashing childhood
memories which will affect parenting your child.The title may be like
that DEMONS IN THE NURSERY.
Based on my experience I want to be transparent with my child.
I have to make her feel secured and loving. I try to understand her
utmost.I will try to do my best.

Hi vini,
sometimes we tend to avoid our parents' mistakes and commit new mistakes. Don't worry and be a loving mother to your daughter now.
I am 2nd daughter, after 2 sons. But I do not know why, my mother has a hatred for me even now (I am 43 now) She is loves my second brother and elder sister most than we others. She always used to take out her frustrations on me while I was a child. I was denied the freedom to lie down near her or even touch her. She used to be very harsh to me and kept me away. But my younger sister was allowed to put her legs on mom and mom always called her by pet name.
She never believed me and so many of my peers used to have fun by getting me punished by some silly complaints. I had bore with humiliations from maternal uncle , paternal uncle , aunt etc. and she was not at all bothered. Even after I started working, she never was good to me.
I was very loving to my son from the day I conceived and am making him feel precious even after 16 years. I scold him and all that, but I never use bad words or say that I wish he was not my child. He is a somewhat special child and I had had and still am having, a very hard time bringing up him. But I have not felt that I am suffering because he is my son. I rather feel sad that he is not able to live a normal childhood.

My mother wanted me to learn classical music and be a great singer-because she wanted to be one and was not allowed to be. I was interested in sports and other things and she would not let me do anything of that sort.Having this in my mind, I did not expect anything in my son and am accepting whatever he does.

My son is epileptic and ws adviced against riding a bicycle (I had wanted to buy a nice cycle to my son-I had dreamt of one in my school days).

I wanted to encourage my son in whichever activity he was interested in. But he is not at all interested in anything constructive. I have accepted that also.

Mom used to compare me to others and degrade me, I never do that.I tell my son to do well in studies or whatever he does, but never because someone else is better, but because that is good for him.

I do everything for him, latest is pick him up from tuition after 10 everyday. I do it happily.

Most important is- I tell him that I love him very much, unconditionally.
Relax, you will be the best mom!

Hi Varloo,

I think you are a great MOM
As you said, we should not compare our
children with others.. Every child is unique,
that is the way God made us. We should
now spoil the uniqueness by comparing.
You nicely said, You love him very much
as the way he is.
I will keep that in mind while raising my child.
I want to assure her we love her very much.
She should not feel ignored as I felt.

Hi Varloo,

really u r BEST MOM

your son is very lucky to 've mom like u. may God bless u r son !

regards
Sri