Back to India........husband decided!!

Simi,
I do not think that he went about it the proper way. Mentioning casually is different from actually doing it. Sounds like he has not even given you guys an option to give your opinion or tried alleviate your concerns.

On a separate note, moving families is not that uncommon, I have friends and family whose parents used to work in jobs that involved periodic transfers (e.g. defense kids). They all seem to form new set of friends at each school and have a more outgoing and cosmopolitan and outgoing outlook. So although your kids feel this way now, they will form new friends.

Though I can relate to your husbands sentiments, I do not agree with his methods.

 

Simi, I think moving to India from United States is a major move and everyone in the family needs to be consulted on this before your husband makes this major decision all by himself. You said you have kids 11 and 7 and they are the ones who are going to be affected the most by this move, more than you or your husband. Your husband has not taken this into consideration or given it a serious thought with respect to your children, in my opinion.

Yeah, India maybe the permanent home in mind for your husband and maybe for you (and I see you are even reluctant to make the move) but not for your kids. For them, United States is home in their minds because that is where they were born and grew up and they are so used to the environs where they grew up and have friends and life. No amount of convincing from your husband will ever change that. It would be much easier to force your moving decisions on them if they were a child or a toddler not when they are 7 and 11. They are going to have huge adjustment and cultural problems when they get transplanted at that age. You should perhaps use this to convince your husband to stay in the US atleast till they grow up and go to Uni at which juncture, you can worry less about making that move.

Me and my brother would have eternally hated my dad if he were to transplant us to India when I was 11 (and he would have been almost 9). It is all fine on theory to say India is my real home blah blah blah but the truth is it would have been a major shock for us both. We lived in US and Aus for couple of years each when we were young but both places are very similar to UK plus we know we'd be going back home and the move is just temporary.

I think your husband is making a very hasty decision here and not considering your kids or you for that matter.

 

Simi, Kids are 11 and 7............I don't understand what you are fearing here? My kids are also 11 and 7 and both girls like yours.
Hey! They are so young. I am surprised you thinking and some posters also telling that it is going to hit kids hard. Simi, come on now! They are just so young and kids are always resilient. Even before you know it they will start liking the place but ofcourse only if you do not feed them anything in a negative way. If you are calm and accept things as they come then your kids will follow you.
You know, kids are the last things to worry about especially such young ones.
May be couple of months here and there they will take time to adjust and make friends. Once they are into that routine of school,homework,tests,friends then thats all ....you have won! And if you child was able to make a huge circle here then she will make a circle of friends double the size there as the population is more....:biglaugh

Simi, Just CHILL.......and go according to what your husband says. You will be fine. I heard someone saying kids and dads adjust faster than moms.
And anyway, you have some people there like your parents and inlaws to help you or advise you in the initial set up. Once your kitchen and bedroom is set, rest will follow and fall in place. So, just RELAX. You will be fine!! You are getting every possible comfort in India just like you have here. And the icing over the cake is the domestic help you get there. You don't have to slog like here in US doing everything on your own with no quality time for kids, movies or time for yourself. You can have time to pamper yourself there unlike here where I get my eyebrows done only when I have a party coming up...he! he! he!
Yeah, I understand no interference here from people. Ask yourself why?
We hardly have anyone whom we can call OUR OWN here. If there is interference then you are also not newly married...right? You are big enough and mature enough to handle it. Just nod your head to everyone but do as you please. That is the mantra! And anyway Simi, these days people are so busy with their own lives, who has time to interfere in others matters??. May be you will get free, unwanted advises but just filter everything and take the good and leave the bad....Thats all!!:thumbsup

 

Simi

I have been living out of India for barely 3 years, and yes in my mind India will always be home. In that respect I do understand where your DH comes from. Unfortunately my agreement with him ends there. He seems to be a person who is sort of in a time warp, talking about childhood festivals and so on, and more importantly trying to emphasize to your kids that this is what is supposed to be 'fun' - IMO each person, young or old, is entitled to forming their own notions of what is enjoyable and thus create their own memories (childhood memories in your children's case). To say that HE had a memorable childhood, which he claims his children are being denied, is I feel a way for him to 'emotionally' move them to accept his decision.

In fact, I say he is in a time warp because Indians (in India) themselves have not been standing still while he has been slogging away - he may not realise this but things HAVE changed. Like the way Diwali is celebrated for instance - gone are the days I remember from my own childhood, when we would light crackers from dawn, visit relatives in the day, and then have loads of fun with fireworks well into the night. These days though, few buy/burst crackers, at most I see fireworks at night, visiting family is not so common, and most people much prefer the Idiot box to the company of relatives anyway. I am saying all this because he is not going to find a rustic homeland back in India, but a more global scene, which might well be one more culture shock! Seriously, jokes apart Simi, I think your husband is harboring a rather rosy image, much like what non-natives have, of India being a close-knit community where festivals mean a whole village getting together. In most cities nowadays, this is changing, as you may have noticed during your visits.

Any case, point is not whether your husband's dreams of returning are valid. Who is to question his dreams, they are his own, and it is not fair to nit pick on his preferences. BUT he must give your dreams, thoughts and opinions equal weightage. He is all but coercing you to accept his decision; granted HE may feel that India is indeed home, but that's HIM not you. Why does he say 'what is holding you here'? I mean, there might be plenty of things, just like what is holding him to his native place. So mention that to him next time he asks you why you are reluctant to R2I.

Bottom line, maybe it is not just kids' adjustment, possible inlaws interference, or other such holding you back. I think you have perhaps moved on with the tide and have come to accept the US to be your home. Which is nothing wrong btw. Now this tricky situation needs to be handled with care. Your husband may have mentioned ideas of returning earlier which you say you never heeded much, but hey no reason hubby needs to know that. Tell him straight off that he has not consulted YOU and is not seeking your opinions. Even if he did mention it a few times before, that is NOT consulting you, or discussing things, esp for a major decision. Make it plain that you are NOT READY, and that just smooth talking with kids, who are btw very malleable, will not work. YOU have to be CONVINCED, not sweet talked, and in any case must have been part of the decision making - you are not his wife just to 'listen' to his decisions, but to contribute in making them. So get down to it and discuss it with HIM!

[On a side note though kids are quite resilient, and do learn to accept major changes, but equally, you are an adult who has adjusted to a major culture change. Question is can you do that again - go back to your Indian way of life after 12 years, and for that matter can your hubby. Ask him this too!]

Good luck!

 

Think like this Simi....If after living almost a decade your husband still longs to go back then imagine down the line how he will feel if you never gave him a chance to even attempt that.

I mean, if he were to assimilate he would have done by now. He always had the thought to go back and you know very well. For some reason you did not accept the fact. May be you liked the place, became comfortable or whatever. But it is not something like he said we will never go back and bought a house and set everything up and all of a sudden asking you to move. NO! He had this all the while and you know that. Only you did not take it seriously.

Ok now consulting everyone in the family. Yes, that needed to be done. But again remember in these circumstances one person HAS TO ADJUST.....That is the reality I have seen. Forget your kids for a while. They are not in the picture yet or even capable of taking their own decisions.
If you ask my kids they will want to have pizza all day everyday. So, kiddos will ofcourse say NO because they don't know the facts yet.

You and your dh. Who is the major earning member here? Your husband. Right? Then I think you need to follow him wherever it is. I don't mean to look down upon you and say you do as he says. You know he is responsible and whatever it is he does good for the family then why not do what makes him happy. He is the one to go out and earn for the family. He should not be grumpy and frustrated with the place/country he is living in. Believe me, I work FT and at times I am frustrated because I don't find any joy in the 'make believe Diwali' we have here. I need a break and for me even if I don't celebrate very grandly, I will feel at home and relaxed if I am at home (India) on those days. Even though everything in India has modernized but to each his own. And I may not play Holi now at this age in my 30s as enthusiastically as I did when I was 10yrs old but I just love to be in that place which observes holiday on my festival days. That is just ME and so I can relate to what you husband is saying now.
I don't mean that your opinions take last place. But try to think more clearly. Can't you live there? As your dh said "What is holding you back"?
These comforts can be had there too. You can make friends there too. And these days with all the technology you can keep in touch with your US friends too. Not a big deal !
According to me, whichever spouse is the major earning member needs to be mentally happy first....PERIOD!
If both earning equally, then also one NEEDS to ADJUST because not always ideas match. Usually, we ladies adjust because we don't want to have a stay at home dad...do we? Atleast, in my case at any juncture it comes where either one has to stay home...I will raise my hand first. I don't want to live with a stay home DAD. I haven't met anyone closely too. That is a privilege of a woman only....IMO!...

 

Malvi,

The consulting part is correct. But this sort of thing cannot be decided on consensus. Certain decisions in life cannot be made on consensus. I do agree on the consulting and adequate discussion/communication part.

A family lives together - DH,DW,small kids. During the course of life, person may have to relocate cities/countries etc for various reasons. Sometimes DH may hate the move, sometimes DW may hate the move, sometimes kids will hate the move. It varies.
The decision will have to be made by one person (either DH or DW) finally - be it to relocate or stay for career prospects or any other reasons. One way or other some decision has to be made by one person. If consensus is reached, then great. But in most cases for such complex decisions, someone will lean one way and someone will lean the other way, and hard to convince.

Someone is going to hate it or whine for a while. Inevitable in these sort of cases. Then the family will eventually adjust and move on.

In Simi's cases, her DH has always been talking abt relocating, and has not bought a house, hasn't done the things to settle down in foreign country. Simi has been thinking he wont do it, I dont know where she got that idea, maybe it was a false comfort zone for her in the mind.

 

You are absolutely right! Spiderman.

If consensus can be reached then that is an ideal scenario. Not every time that can be done. And in my opinion the main earning member should be happy first..not that others can be totally sorrowful but I give that place to the major bread winner.

I remember when we moved from another place to here, some of my coworkers/friends came to send us off and they cried at the airport. I felt so sad and really hated leaving that place but then later I would pacify myself thinking that it was my husband's job that needs to be given priority here. I had to give up my job giving very short notice but among dh and me, we consider dh as the main bread winner. Even if I take time to find a new job it does not get onto our nerves but if dh loses then we kind of get tensed.

In simi's case her husband has not yet got a job in India but if he continues any longer in US, he will be one grumpy candidate. So, his preference should be considered first. You cannot go to work longing to go back each time. And how long will one continue like that? Will surely end up with some health problems.

And kids are no big deal. They are too young to make their own choices especially big ones like relocating. And if we were to listen to them each time then we can never look for better opportunity as kids get used to any place so fast. Moreover they are US citizens so it is win-win situation. Kiddos can come if they wish and if the economic situation in the US,is any better down the line for higher education or jobs, if not they may stay back and settle down in India. I mean, they have a choice which is great. Simi's husband did not drag them back without giving them this opportunity.
I feel he has done his part for the kids and now it is for the family to see he goes to work happy and excited about the place and not drag himself with all grudge.

I hear people even in my friends circlesaying this as soon as they hear anyone going back for good.....will it not be hard for kids to adjust?
Isn't it ridiculous? Yes, for may be 2,3,4,5 months it may be hard but how long? Haven't we all got adjusted to the climate(especially), system, when we came for studies? And we were (atleast I was) in our 20s then. When we could adjust in 20s these kiddos haven't even seen any world yet and we start panicking about their adjustment now.
Couple of friends, once in a while movies, Ice-creams, and let them loose to play is all what they need to adjust.
When we go to India in summer, after 3 weeks I tell my kids that we will leave in another 2 weeks and they will be like ............What? We just came! Can't we stay some more time?:rotfl

 

Spidey,

I will partially or conditionally agree with your view provided the husband has absolutely no options and he has no job in US and he has an offer in India and he is the sole breadwinner and family is forced to move to India. But that is not the case here. The husband wants to move because he feels nostalgic about India and wants to relive his childhood memories which may or may not be possible in India now as some have pointed out.

In this case, the primary reason behind the husband's move back to India is nostalgia. While I can perfectly understand that part, there are other factors to consider. It looks like Simi is used to the lifestyle in US and does not want to go back. The kids 11 and 7, will have a much difficult time adjusting because a significant part of their growing up has happened in the US so they are so used to that life and everything they know revolves around there. You can tell them all you want that India is their real home etc but the truth is, it is not. They were probably born in the US and all they know is the environs they grew up in and that is their home and that is where they would feel the most comfortable. The time to move for your own nostalgic reasons would have been when they were really young and that window has passed. Next window might be when they are 18 and go to Uni and then you can go back and relive all your nostalgic childhood memories, festivals and what not. Knowingly or unknowingly, the husband has put on roots in the US which is the kids and their welfare and well being needs to come on top of your own childhood dreams. Atleast that is the way I see this.

There is really no impending need for the husband to move to India at this juncture except he always wanted to do this. I see this as an obsession in some ways than being a pragmatic decision which everyone needs to be consulted on and the pros and cons need to be analyzed very carefully. And what is wrong with Simi feeling more comfortable living in the US? I think she has an equal say in this regard and this could very well be a 3 to 1 decision in favour of staying back.

Hypothetical example. I am assuming you grew up in India in a big city. Let's say one fine day your dad announces that he wants to quit his job in the city and go back to his native town or village because he always wanted to do that and moving to the city was just to earn money. Let's say you and your siblings are in good schools and you are used to that environment and so is your mum. So how would you and your siblings feel and how would your mum feel? Maybe she was aware your Dad wanted to live in his native town because he happens to have mentioned it to her when they got married but its been yonks since all that and she has built a comfort zone in the city. Lots of things have happened since then and maybe its not that easy as packing your bags and taking the family along and moving to his native town because he wants to relive his childhood days.

 

We cannot minimize the effect on kids. Its hard for them.
Like Malavika said - she may have frowned on her dad for quite sometime had he made such a choice. Understandable.
But - its part of the learning process for kids - that they need to adapt to difficulties in life.

 

Yeah Spidey, but the problem is when you as a dad create that difficulty solely for your childhood obsessions and put everyone in the family thru it, it is different.