husband forcing me to quit my job - help!

Dear ILites,
I am going through a bad patch now and am running into more and more problems day by day - all stemming from the single fact that my husband does not like my being independent. He wants me to quit my job. I am taking the liberty to write down the happenings in my life and my feelings. It is going to be a very long post.

Background:
I do not know where to start. Perhaps this will give some background.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/58386-problem-with-investing-really-problem.html

Much has happened in the months that followed the above thread. I got an opportunity to work part-time and I seized it. My husband was the one who kept egging me on to get a job and go to work, as he felt I was idle at home, that my parents spoilt me by chatting with me, that he is slogging all the time while I simply enjoy the fruits of his labor. He wanted me to bear the household expenses on going to work and relieve him of some pressure.

I am a great believer in the fact that it is best if a mother can give her child full attention and be a full-time mom, till the child is a little older and goes to school. But I gave in to my husband's idea of working, as he offered to look after the kid by staying at home when I go to work, in case I get a part-time job. So, I started looking for part-time options and landed one. DH's job was such that he could also work from home on certain days, and we both had flexible working times. I was not keen on going to work, but still started working, because I left DD with none other than my own husband who will care well for her when I am away. Life went on well, as he started believing me that my parents indeed do not spoil my mind. I used to get up really early and go to work so that I can come back in time for DH to go to work at some reasonable time. On other days, I used to go late in the afternoons and come back late.

Coming to DD, she is a super clingy child. I have been fixing playdates and taking her to toddler groups for over a year now, at least once a week, to get her used to others and become less clingy. She has been improving a lot, but is still clingy when compared to other kids of her age.

Before working, I had made my mind to save in a better way (than blindly handing over everything to DH/fil as before). I never confronted DH about his practice of sending everything to his father, but informed him that I wish to take up some responsibility for our child and our future and will save my salary myself, to which he agreed. (Little did he think that I will really stick to my words later.) He behaved well with me. Time passed by, 1 month, 2 months. He transferred all my salary again to India (I had specified our joint account to my employer as that was the only account I had here). I was given absolutely no idea of what happens to the money once it reaches India, except for vague remarks like “Appa will take care of it”, “Appa knows what to do”, etc. From their conversations (they speak daily on the phone from his workplace and in the weekend from home), I gathered that his dad invests lakhs in his own and my mil's names. Some amount my husband invests in his name. But even that is mostly joint investment with my fil. One day, I gently asked my husband to let me save my salary as agreed upon, in some deposit here. He got wild and said that he cannot do anything like that without involving his father. Later, I asked him the password of our joint account, telling him that if he cannot save my salary, I will save it myself. He plainly refused. So, I opened a new account for myself (in my name only) and told him about it. He became furious and acted as though greatly offended. He started accusing me of not trusting him, and even started cooking his own food, as I am separating everything - our bank account, my salary, him from his parents, etc. I told him that I did this because he went back on his promise of letting me save my salary myself. In frustration, he started laying down new rules - that I should bear ALL our expenses since the day I started working. I would literally be left with nothing to save in that case, and so, I agreed to just bear a share - namely groceries, vegetables, other daily expenses. Things died down after a few months.

Then, slowly, my benefits at job started increasing. They gave me a new laptop, treated me well at office and I started becoming a part and parcel of the team. I could not spend a lot of time at work, but somehow, I managed and they were satisfied with my work. My boss was (and still is) very flexible and understanding and I enjoyed working.

As the days passed, I slowly mustered the courage to speak to DH about properly saving our money and planning for our future. I was careful never to say things that meant I do not trust his dad, but still, he got the message that I am not happy with the current arrangement. He told me that getting his father out of this would bring a HUGE split in his family and he does not want to do it. He can slowly reduce the amount of investments made in his father's name. He told me that right now, he sends everything to his (joint) account with his father and is not investing in any scheme really, and that should be enough for my peace. I have been asking him for all the details of investments made, to make sure we invest only in our names, etc. But, recently, I came to know that his mother is also investing in schemes everywhere (even GRT jewellery shop), and that DH has nominated her for new investments. DH has now asked his father to look for a house.


Now and then, he alludes to the fact that I cheated him by not revealing to him the exact amount of money I had saved before marriage. (I do not want to write in detail about this as I have already written in another thread). He often tells me to throw the money I earned before marriage to my father and close my account in India, because we were anyway wrong in not revealing this to them before marriage or handing over control to them. This is an old problem, which he likes to bring up now and then. I wanted to settle this problem once for all and told him that I will nominate him for that bank account when we go to India next. He did not complain for some time, but is back to it now. He thinks that I should not have anything to do with that money although it is mine. (This, I feel is one of his excuses for behaving the way he does. He tries to find faults in me all the time I ask him something and this is one thing he is fond of accusing me of, apart from the evergreen accusation that my parents do not respect him).


Two months back, my mil wanted to come here and stay with us for some months because she wanted to be with her son. DH was hesitant to invite her (he didn't tell me this, of course). But I gave the green signal, saying that DH should take care to see that there are no fights. But, DH wanted me to give up my job and be at home as long as my mil was here! I plainly refused. But I agreed to cook for her all the meals, except when I am at work in the morning. My mil came here. She is very aloof towards me (we ran into big problems during our last India trip, hence her anger). I tried doing the necessary to her and being courteous. Did not pamper her. Slowly, we got into the groove and started getting along.


(Continued in next post).

 

<meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> How things are now:
I get very little help from DH now in running the household. Earlier, he used to prepare meals when I was at work, for DD. At least once a week. Now that his mom is here, he does not lift a finger, except take care of DD. I have to really seek his help again and again to put the dishes to dry or store something in a container. My mil keeps watching all this and doesnt lift a finger either. I am left to do every single thing while no one helps me. Right from cooking, cleaning, washing her clothes and folding them, to making her tea and giving her biscuits. She behaves much like another child. She does not even take biscuits for herself from the shelf. I have to do that; if I forget, she doesn't eat. (Good thing is that she does not crib to me, but I wonder if she complains to DH later). My mil is mum most of the time; she is a moody person. She tries to interact with DD, but is still aloof and waits for the kid to near her on her own. She used to cut veggies on some days, but stopped that too now. Now, all she does is cook lunch when I am not there (1 or 2 days per week) and walk in the hall 3-4 times per day to and fro to aid in her digestion.


My mil is a weirdo. She is the type that tries to earn sympathy from all around her. She behaves very good to others, and picks faults in them behind their backs and narrates the way they mistreated her and gains the sympathy of her family. This way, she also makes sure her family members develop hatred for those relatives. I have seen her playing this game with several of her relatives and with me too.


DD has started going to playschool now. Actually, in future, her visits to playschool plus DH coming back early from work (about 3 hours earlier than usual once per week) will be enough for me to carry on my work like now. But, the main problem is, DD is not taking well to the playschool. She cries all the time and they ask us to take her home early. I am worried about how it will work out.


Well, all of a sudden, problems started creeping in. Last week, we celebrated Pongal. We do not have holidays for all that here, as you know. I made sure I stayed at home the first 2 mornings. To my chagrin, my mil did not let me do anything in the kitchen. I offered to help with several things, but she declined everything. She said “If you do that, it will not suit me”. I got pissed off and did not bother till she finished the pooja. Then, I asked her if I will do the remaining cooking stuff, before leaving to work in the afternoon, but again, she replied that she wanted to do all snacks herself for her son and that if I do, it will cool down and wont be nice when he comes home. This happened on 2 days. Third day (which is another important day for this festival – when we feed the crows and then do special food), my husband asked me to go to work in the morning. We did the customary crow-feeding ceremony and I left to work in a hurry. That day I had my annual appraisal. I had told my husband that, but he wanted me to return early. Unfortunately, I could not come early due to this important meeting. All hell broke loose. DH gave me calls and shouted at me. On reaching home, he asked me why I came home at all and didn't go away somewhere. I told him that I was held up due to the unavoidable meeting, he screamed that he wants me to quit the job once for all. He said that it is I who should do all these cooking and poojas at home, while my mil is pampering me by being extra kind and lenient, that my father had cheated them by telling them before marriage that “my daughter will be a good family girl and will give preference to her family”, whereas I am plain money-minded, that I can stuff into my mouth all the food my mil is making to my heart's content, etc. I took him aside and told him just one thing, “Your mother told me that if I cook, it will not suit her.” He got angry and confronted his mom, who tried covering up. She barged at me with accusations like “I was told by your husband that you cook very well, you celebrate all festivals, etc. You have never stayed with us for any festival. So I came here eagerly to see all that and you! Is this what you do on a festival? You dont care what is happening at home. And is this the way you treat your daughter on this important day? How negligent you are!” I got wild, but told her I do not want to fight and made peace and sent DH to work. I hurriedly got ready for the pooja. To my dismay, my mil had made really elaborate arrangements for the pooja, actually unnecessary things, to make DH more furious with me for sitting at work while she toiled in the kitchen. It clearly showed that she wanted to spoil the peace between me and DH; she had instigated him and he emailed me later some things she said, which upset me badly. I sent him an email apologising for the delay (although I could not cancel my appraisal meeting), conveying my hurt feelings, bringing out the doings of his mother that hurt me, telling him how to behave in future, etc. I wrote to my husband that I celebrate all festivals grandly, making sweets and snacks on my own from scratch, whereas his mother conveniently buys them at stores in Chennai, and is now accusing me of doing nothing and not being “pure enough for poojas”! I was very angry at the fact that my mil accused me of not taking care of DD. How could she tell such a thing?? I told him that next time his mother made such a statement, I would not remain silent. He didn't agree with me, didn't like me pointing out his mom's mistakes, and has made several conditions/threats, like

• I must be an obedient dil and adjust to his parents, whatever they do.
• He will never come to my parents' place hereafter. (Hello, did he come last time we went to India? No! What sort of threat is this then?)
• I am very money-minded now and work is my priority rather than family.
• He will get rid of my name from our joint bank account and I have to sign the form. He accuses me of spying on him and knowing details about what he does with his money. It is by no means spying, as I told him that I got internet access to our joint account along with the internet access of my single-holder account.
• He will not entertain requests for planning, tracking expenses, etc. He will destroy all receipts and coupons from shops.
• I have to contribute much more (from my salary) to run our family
• I must bear all my expenses myself, like medicines, visa fees, etc.
• He will not reveal anything he spends on or invests hereafter
• The account in my name in India is his big sore point – I should close it and give all the money to my father. He says that if I do this, 40% of our problems will be solved!
• He also does not like the account in my name in the USA.
• He will speak to my dad about my recent activities and behavior, because ours was an arranged marriage and not a love marriage.

<meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> I have to slog at home. When I reach office, I am under pressure to perform, because I do not know when problems will creep at home to impair my work. Now, he starts sending emails and making calls and taunting me at work. I find it difficult to concentrate, after seeing his mails. I feel I am going down in health and spirit everyday... Health problems I had earlier – stress-related problems are cropping up again. If I tell my husband all this, he will ask me to quit my job, harping on my health instead of DD's care!


(to be continued)

 

Today, there was much more drama. DD gets up whenever I wake up; so, I give her breakfast and leave her with her grandmother or father and go to work before 7:30. I left her with DH in the bedroom to sleep again or play (yes, DH puts her to sleep again with him, as he simply cant wake up before 8:30 or 9). Later, I got an email from DH asking me to enquire for admission to a daycare center near his office. I was not happy with that idea, as we are now trying the playschool already, why to opt for daycare? Also, if DH cooperates, we can do without a daycare. Still, I did not want to decline his wish, as I feared he will start his non-cooperation movement, and I looked at the website in a hurry, found some big form and emailed DH that we need to fill it up together. He said ok at first, but soon, shot me a hate mail, accusing me of being a bad mother, of being only money-minded and not caring to my child, how I can think of putting her in day-care, that he discussed my wish with his mother, who felt very bad about my idea and offered to take DD to India and raise her there. I was furious, but kept my cool and replied that it was his idea, not mine, to look for a daycare and that he should not have consulted his mother about this. He replied that he will respect his parents and also my parents and that soon, he will inform this idea of my acceptance of daycare to my parents and ask them how fair and good that is for our family. And that, he will inform my parents of this and ask for justice, whether he heeds to their advice of sending DD to daycare or not. ????? I kept my cool. I guessed that he used the idea of daycare as a bait, trying to make me give up my job. The irritating thing in his whole mail was, he assured me that he will give respect to my parents hereafter, if I behave better now!!! What sort of promise is that?? And how can I rely on him? It was this same guy who criticised my parents for not treating him equally as my sister's husband, when I asked him to call my father after his (minor) surgery. This vulgar promise of his made me feel very bad. Does he think I will trade my job for the meagre respect he will show to my parents hereafter?? No, thanks!


This afternoon, after I came home, I noticed that my mil is more dull than ever. She hardly uttered a word on her own, the whole evening to me, saying “no” to everything I asked her. (Which made me wonder if he really told her something about the daycare). She didn't even take care of DD when I was cooking; she let her do whatever she liked and did not even inform me when DD did mischief in front of her eyes. She did not even turn the dosa which was scorching on the pan while I dressed DD up. But, DD says something new now. “Amma vituttu poitta”, meaning “mother left me and went away”. My mil beamingly tells me that she taught that to DD, that she frightened DD that “your mother left you and went to another city”!! Why the hell is she putting such ideas into her head??


Taking up a job was not my priority. My husband made me get one, and now that I have started asking him for financial details and control, he thinks he should usurp me of the few good things in my life. How fair is that? Should I give in? If I do give in now, what is the guarantee that I will be peaceful later? Will he still not taunt me for all the “misdoings” I made in the past, according to him? Just like he still taunts me for having retained my savings before marriage in my name still...
This evening, he has brought home the form for removing my name from our joint account.


The good things are:

1. I have started speaking up and can boldly convey my worries to DH. Both about DH and about the problems I face with his parents. My job has given me this courage.
2. DH, at least in front of me, tells his father not to invest in mutual funds his father suggests. I do not know if DH has decided not to invest along with his dad, or he says that in front of me just to please me. He is still afraid of confronting his parents about the finances and sees to what extent I will give in.
3. DH has started paying attention to my advice/rule that we should not argue in front of his mom (or others).

My questions and concerns:

1. Does he think that I should not hold any sort of savings in my name? (His mother was, by the way, the sole owner of their house although she did not earn 1 paise. What sort of rule is that??)
2. Should I accept and sign the form for giving up access to our joint account? (I do not want to do this, as this is taking a backward step. My ultimate aim is to get rid of my sole account after he gains control of our finances from his father).
3. How can one confront one's parents to get back the money one had entrusted to them? If at all my husband agrees to getting back everything from his fayther, achieving that is a BIG, BIG thing. How can we respectfully and discreetly go about it?
4. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not being a responsible mother? My husband is taunting me with comments like I am money-minded, I do not care for DD as I go to work, etc. He says that DD says “amma office” all the time, that her mind is getting affected, etc. Is it true that she yearns for me? I feel she is quite happy as of now and is raising the usual objections children make when a parent leaves. After all, I am away for 17 hours or so a week (a part of which she sleeps during). Is that too much?
5. Mothers out there, have you come across such clingy toddlers? I am very worried if at all DD will stay in her school... we have time till March end for her to get used to it. My husband's normal work times (38-40 hours per week) start in April and DD must attend playschool regularly for me to go to work.
6. How can I set things right? When will my husband understand my intentions?
7. I have grown a thick skin now. I consider most of what he says or writes to me to be lines from a novel, from a dialogue between 2 people. Nowadays, I have learnt to detach myself from emotions and I do not get worked up on reading such hate and threat mails. Am I growing complacent? Is there anything I can do that will put a stop to his behavior?
8. Will he really speak to my parents about my stubbornness? How can I avoid that? I do not want that to happen; I can always tell DH and my parents “My parents won't interfere in my matters”. But I do not want it to go to that extent. Because, I am almost certain my parents will coax me to give up my job and be a housewife, on hearing accusations like, “I am not taking care of my child”, “I am money-minded”, “I am spoiling my health”, etc. Not because they believe these things, but because they would want peace to prevail in my house and they are anyway concerned about my health being affected.
9. My health is not my top priority now, but I do not want to get back into the depressed state I was over a year back during our India trip. I have learnt to control my tears, to keep my mind from racing, but I am not able to control some other effects this has on my health. I want to be a healthy mom, at least for DD's sake.

If I tell him, “I will give up my job if you get back all our savings from your father and save hereafter only in your and my names”, is that logical? Will that ever happen?


Thanks to all of you who took off a lot of time to read my long posts. I would appreciate your suggestions. I am waiting to hear others' viewpoints on this.
Thanks and regards,
Sandhya

 

Thanks dear ladies for all your replies.
Srividya, thanks a ton for your comforting and encouraging words.
To clarify something:

>By the way if he wants you to close that account in India, why dont you do that and put that money on your name in a FD or on your daughters name in a FD. that way as per him you would close the account. He is satisfied. But you would have the money safe for your daughters use/yours in future. Is this possible for you to do?

Actually, I do not have much money in the SB account. I saved in the form of deposits, LIC, NSC, etc. when I was working in India. Many of them are yet to mature. His wish is to "give all the money to my father as we didn't hand over everything to them when I married him". He says "he or his daughter (& preferably me too) should have nothing to do with that money"Technically, I cannot close the account as it is linked to a demat account in which I have shares bought from my employer (ESOP) while i was working in India. These shares are not doing well now, and I dont want to sell them at a loss, after waiting for so many years. He knows all these things. Still, he likes to keep saying the same thing like a moron. That is why I have agreed to nominate him for my account and other savings, wherever possible; but he strictly says "No, nominate your father or someone else. I dont want to have anything to do with your savings".

I shall keep in mind to postpone dealing with fil's hand in it. Actually, I do not pester him at all about investments they make. I asked him just once or twice, before his mil arrived. He is a very sensitive person and gets upset easily. The latest reactions that I wrote about are in response to his mother's wonderful observation that I am not a good mother and do not care for DD.

Scorpiogal, thanks a ton for sharing your experience and for all your encouragement. Sometimes, my brain gets clouded when I keep hearing nonsense... thanks for pointing out that it is not smart to agree to quit my job on some conditions... Thanks for all your answers.

Actually, that joint account which he wants to remove me from is our US account; we use it for all shopping and payments and his sal goes into it. My paycheck now goes to a different account i opened in just my name. I simply transfer the money we spend on expenses to that joint account from my salary account.

My daughter is 2+. My main worry is - will DD adjust to playschool? What will happen if she keeps protesting and crying? Come April, DH will go to work as usual and I certainly cant manage with DD at home. I have been trying everything - playdates, toddler groups, etc. She likes it when I am also there but starts howling when I go away. I simply cant work if she does not get used to playschool or whatever form of daycare. Right now, she spends about half an hour everytime she goes there and keeps howling all the while. Will she ever adjust? Can it happen that they playschool refuses to take her in any longer?? I am getting paranoid about her school more than DD herself!

Rosegirl, thanks to you too for responding!

Nandshyam, waiting for your detailed reply.

Thanks again!
Sandhya