To lend or not to lend.

The other day, I was reading a poem from Kamba Ramayanam, where the poet describes King Ravana’s state of mind, when his life was spared by Lord Rama in the battle field, as “Kadan pattaar nenjam pole kalanginaan ilangai vendhan “ - meaning that Ravana was so disturbed by Lord Rama’s gesture that he felt the burden of his life as that of a debtor. Perhaps debtors had a conscience during Kamban’s times.
In today’s world, it is the lendor who ‘kalangufies’ and ‘alanjufies’ (disturbed no ends and runs around for recovery). I am sure many of you would have gone through the ordeal of collecting the ‘hand loan’ lent to so called 'friends' / acquaintances at least once. For my part, I had done it many times, much against the wishes of DW even and after each such lesson had taken vow – ala ‘prasava vairagyam’ – never ever to lend money anymore, only to be conned by another ‘hand loan artist’ to part with my precious earnings one more time. Friends, I don’t know why? I found it beyond me to just refuse a ‘friend’ in ‘dire needs’. The moment I heard a sob story, my purse used to be in my hands with its contents exposed – inviting the ‘sob’er to turn a robber. Perhaps in my last life I belonged to the “Seethakkathi’ clan – one who was said to have donated even after his death, with his corpse extending its hand out of its coffin – offering the expensive ring adorning its finger to the poor poet who lamented his inability to approach Seethakkathi when he was alive.
It took over 20 years of married life for me to arrive at a workable model to over come this weakness, in collaboration with DW, ofcourse.

First things first - I was in my early 20’s, and grossly inexperienced in the ‘kodukkal & vaangals’ ( gives & takes) of the world, when I had my first experience.
I had a colleague, RK, in my department who became a good friend within a month of my joining the organisation. It was not long before he started approaching me for interest free ‘hand loans’ under various pretexts like payment of children’s school fees, wife’s delivery, mother’s pilgrimage, urgent medical expenses etc. citing different compelling reasons for different seasons. Not that I was well off to spare such amounts in my paltry salary of Rs 400 pm or so. But, it was to his credit that he managed to get me lend. Borrowing money is a great art and he turned out to be a consummate artist of the highest order in the field. Initially, he was prompt in returning the money as promised, only to borrow once again a couple of days later. After a couple of months, part of the money lent remained unreturned, when he approached for more loan. Hearing the difficult period he was passing through, I felt embarrassed to demand back my dues but ended up giving him additional loan, against his assurance to return the full amount in a month’s time. In no time I realized that the total amount due accumulated to over Rs 750, nearly my two months’ salary, which I could ill afford. From then on, I kept running after him to get the money back, but in vain. Excuses after excuses but no repayment in sight.
I neither had any documental proof. Not that I was keen on any such precipitation.
I was at his mercy and all that I could do was pray to God & appeal to RK’s good senses. Neither yielded any results.
After a few months, when I got a better job with a major corporate house in North India, requiring me to leave Madras in a couple of weeks, I got desperate to get my money back from RK. Sensing my predicament, he went on long leave, much beyond my departure date. It was a rude shock as I realized that the possibilities of my getting the money back had vanished into thin air.
More than losing the money, it was the feeling of being cheated by one whom I considered a friend, disturbed me no ends. I was hell bent on making RK pay.
Before leaving, I confided RK’s mischief to few of my friends in the same organization and told them that whom-so-ever could recover the money on my behalf could keep it for themselves. All that I needed was a confirmation that entire money had been collected.
When I visited Madras next, those friends not only confirmed recovery of the full amount but also threw a party for me (of course out of the recovery made) and presented me with gifts for the remainder amount. What as an individual that I could not achieve, the hounding of the group that went after RK day in & day out could achieve. I felt elated at the fact that RK was not allowed to go scot free with his cheating ways.
During the early days of our marriage (1978), I made the mistake of confiding in / boasting to DW about the above incident - as to how ‘smartly’ I made RK pay.
I expected at least a word of appreciation from DW. All that I got was a long sermon – ending that anyone could very well read the word “SUCKER” stamped in bold letters on my fore-head and that from then on I was not to lend even a single penny to anyone without her consent.

After an year or so, a friend of mine from school days, CN, approached me for a loan of Rs.1000 for tiding over some urgent business commitment, with a promise to repay within a couple of days. CN was from a well-off family and was known to my wife as well, having worked in her bank as a clerk for sometime before embarking on his own venture. DW was not keen initially but finally relented when I told that CN had plans to directly approach her next for the loan, incase I expressed inability. But she made it amply clear that getting the money back was my responsibility. I was pleased that I could help a friend in need and was confident that CN would positively honour his commitment. But when CN was did not show up for the next 10 days or so, despite promising me over phone many a times, I started getting worried. Those days it was not a small amount to ignore.
I started visiting his house every evening on my way back from office but CN was never available. It was too embarrassing for me to force myself into his house and wait, when only his wife was at home. I used to wait at the gate for a couple of hours and return home disappointed.
At home the condition was terrible. I could not stand my wife’s stare. Be it the tumbler or the plate for dinner, all started landing on the dining table with a thud.
Neither the food nor the innuendos like ‘Enakku endru engay irunthu ippadi oru asadu vandhu vachchadho?’ ( From where did such a nincompoop manage to land as my hubby?) were easy to digest.
So, I decided to bunk office the next day and wait near CN’s house, even the whole day if needed, to catch him red handed, recover the money & redeem my honour. I parked my scooter a few houses away and kept waiting for him. Did not even leave for lunch. Sometime in the afternoon, I was successful in catching him and managed to extract Rs.200 in cash and a cheque for balance Rs.800. I returned home with a triumphant smile.
But DW was not convinced. “Let me see whether the cheque would be honored”, was her remark. Sure enough, the cheque bounced in a couple of days.
Next day, I went to CN’s house looking for him. His wife answered the door and said that he had left on some urgent mission very early that morning.
I made up my mind to wait near CN’s house that day also. At about 6.00 PM I was fed up of waiting and was about to leave when I saw a group of persons assembling outside his house. Suddenly, one of them, who was also a school-mate of mine, started shouting abuses and calling CN to come out if he was a ‘manly enough’. The abuses started getting more vulgar with time, with references CN’s wife as well. I could stand it no more and was about to interfere, asking the group to behave themselves, when CN emerged from inside the house. I was shocked at the fact that he was hiding inside since morning and avoiding me as well.
He stood there hanging his head in shame and remorse in front of the group. I left the scene with a heavy heart.
That night CN phoned me up and apologized profusely. I made him speak to my wife also. He explained that he had suffered a heavy loss in business due to his partner cheating him. He promised to repay the balance Rs 800 in a month. After listening to him and also my story of the happenings outside CN’s house that day, my wife also felt sorry for him. We agreed to his request.
Few weeks later, we both were taken aback to see CN riding a motorized cycle rick-shaw, delivering goods for a departmental stores. Learnt from the stores that this was a new beginning CN was attempting to make for a living. We were amazed at his resolve to fight out the odds in life boldly and decided to forget the balance due from him. But all the same, I gave a commitment to DW that I had learnt my lesson truly and would not even dream of lending any more.

My next experience was a bit different that could not be classified as lending per-se, but involved all the thrills & more when it came to recovery part
Couple of years later, when I went for taking delivery of a new scooter, I met two youngsters – a clerk in a Bank and his mechanic friend. The whole day we were hanging around together and a kind of comradeship developed between us.
Naturally, most of our talks were about the scooter and its performance. It was then that the mechanic mentioned about some modification to the carburetor, that could increase the mileage over 50 Kms/litre. Those days, two wheelers were giving a mileage of only around 30 Kms or so. So I was also keen on getting my carburetor modified. To be on the safer side, I asked the mechanic to modify his friend’s scooter first so that I would also decide on mine after seeing the results.
The mechanic noted my address and promised to come after a few days, once his friend’s scooter was done-up.
Sure enough, they landed at my house in a couple of days. The scooter’s pick-up was also better, which the mechanic attributed to the improved carburetor.
I was impressed and asked him to modify my scooter as well. He said that it would cost Rs.200 for getting the necy items etc and desired my giving him the money so that he could come the next day and do the needful at my place itself. Instead I offered to come to his shop, with the scooter and the money the next day and get the vehicle attended there itself.
DW was not keen on such modifications, especially on a new scooter. If such a technology was available, the manufacturers themselves would have adopted it, was her argument. I was not in a mood to listen.
The next day I went to Thiruvanmiyur, a desolated area in those days and met the mechanic in his ‘road-side’ workshop. He took the money and sent a boy for getting the parts. I waited for a couple of hours but the boy was no where to be seen. It was getting late. So the mechanic volunteered to come to my house the next day and do the necy modifications to the carburetor. I returned home.
On hearing the developments, DW gave an all knowing smile. I ignored it.
The mechanic did not turn up the next day. I waited for a week and went in search of him. I was told that his shop had been shifted further inside. I tried locating it but could not.
DW’s taunts like “Nalla mattukku oru soodu” were very much in the open now. I was bent on at least getting the money back, to save my face.
For the next few week-ends, I made rounds in T’yur, making enquiries about the whereabouts of the mechanic.
Noticing my regular week-end visits, some petty shop owners in the area asked me the purpose of my looking for the mechanic. I told them the story.
It was then they advised me to forget my Rs. 200 and advised me to stay away from such dubious characters.
Also, as my visits were getting me no where, I felt that it was better to make peace with DW rather than wasting time running after such elusive mechanics.
With great difficulty I once again convinced DW that I had changed forever. That my transfer out of Madras came in the next couple of months helped cool the matters down. It was many years later, we learnt from news papers that the mechanic I was after had been convicted and hanged in a serial killing case that shook the entire nation. To think of that I was running after such a character risking my life for a paltry Rs 200 ….. .


I have since developed a model for tackling requests for hand-loans, in consultation with DW, a practical solution to my problem of lending. So far, for the last 12 years, it has shown desirable results.
Nowadays if anyone approaches for a hand-loan, I make it clear that it is against my principles to give a loan as it spoils the relationship in the long run. Instead, I offer whatever I could as one time gift, not to be returned. I have noticed that majority of die-hard ‘hand loan specialists’, who borrow without any intention to repay, consider it infra-dig to accept a gift instead of a loan. Perhaps they equate it to begging or that they miss the 'kick' of borrowing. They normally refuse and do not trouble me anymore for hand-loans.
Even the miniscule minority who accept the gift first time, finds it embarrassing to approach once again. More so, as the call on how much to gift is my prerogative and need not have any relationship with the expectation of the borrower.
This arrangement saves me the bother of running after ‘friends’ for recovery. Also no complaints/ innuendos from DW.
Last but not the least, peace prevails both at home & in our minds.

Anbudan,
rrg

It was an interesting read. All of us should make this as a habbit. I have to make my mom read this as she has given "hand-loans" to many and never got them back. Most of the times they are her acquaintances and not her friends.

Anabika.

nice write-up ,as always

was interesting to read

Neha S

Hello,

Interesting write up. I forget who said it but my philosphy is 'neither a borrower nor a lender be!'

A good post. A quote says “If you lend your book, either forget your book or your friend.” The same applies in case of money too. And I try to remember this one at such circumstancesJ

It was a educative post on whether to lend or not lend. You are back with a bang! Enjoyed reading the post.

Dear Anabika, Neha, Mythraeyi, Ami & Usha,
Thanks for your feedback.
I am aware there are many like me, who are unable to get back their money given as hand-loan to the so called friends / acquaintances. The hand loan system is so common in our society more because the lender wants to but hesitant / embarassed to say 'NO' in the first place. A seasoned borrower knows it only too well and exploits the human weakness. Even if one person is benefitted by my experience, my purpose of posting this thread is served.
Pleased to note that you all found this post interesting / enjoyable.
Cheers!
Rrg

enjoyed reading your thread. To add to your funny stories - my patti once wanted to get her sewing machine repaired. She called some tailor on the street and asked him to fix it. That guy said amma I have to take it somewhere to fix it. She said okay, he called an auto and he told my patti to pay for auto too. She paid him to fix the sewing machine, paid for auto and sent the machine with him and that was the end of it, she never saw her machine again.

Dear Swaram,
Thanks for your FB and also for sharing your patti's experience.
I could very well imagine her state of mind when reality dawned on her.
As they say, "Paambin kaal paambu ariyum", isn't it?
Cheers!
Rrg

Nice writeup RRG.

Even I have the same policy- Better donate (!) than lend to

friends,relatives etc.

It is not going to come back and is definitely

going to spoil your peace,reputation(ENNA PERISA KODUTHUTTA?

PICHAIKAARA KAASU...ALPAM MAADIRI PIDINGURA...) is the feedback you

get usually and the word is effectively circulated by the borrower too...