Why cant i expect ?

I live in U.S I got married in 1999. It was arranged marriage...Initially everything was fine..Now we have 2 kids..but their is no feeling between me and my husband..from my part atleast i have lost all the interest in him. I am very frustrated..initially he used to help me with everything..but i had to tell him please help me in this and he would just help me ...My first child was born he took interest in everything..though my parents live in U.S they are not able to visit us so regularly..Both of them work..father retired..but goes India frequently to be with grandma. we had 2nd child from that point he has no interest in taking care of her..or in house hold work..i have to tell him everytime please help me..please do this or do that..otherwise he wont do it..he won't give attentions to kids unless i tell him..older daughter needs help in h.w help her out. I have to tell him change my little ones diaper or feed her..change her dress.every day routine..it is my head...i am so fed up of it... He was not raised with kids around him so he is not taking any responsibilities of his own child...recently he had lost his job..i know that could be one of the tension..that he has pay for the house..and take care of the family..i understand totally his tensions...He was only raised by his MOM because she was widow...then my parents gave some support so he can pay of whatever he could...my parents live here only so they are able to help me out...if he has any issues he won't talk to me about it..so basically our relationship is ending..

he got job and now we live in apartments...so it could be that he has tensions of paying for rent here..and paying for the house in another state...we had to move to another state...because he found job...


fight starts..sometimes in every family..but he will say things like..i spent on you...or this is my house etc..etc...
what about those money that my parents spent on us...they have also said...no need to give them back in hurry....

Now the situation is totally bad....i know he has other tensions at office but all i ask for some attention for kids...and some love for them...spend some time with them..but he doesn't do that unless i tell him..

all he does around the house is dishes and pick up trash...to do dishes i have to remind him...anything else he won't do it...like clean up the kitchen cleaning up the sink, vacuming in the weekend..clean up the house nothing he will help me.. i take care of my kids give them something to eat .for the little one brush her teeth, dress her up..give her milk, give her bath..tell the big girl to get dressed for school..

how much can a women do?
i also do laundry every week twice a week..i have to...wash the dirty bedsheets...go and drop the kids to school and pick them up from school, i also take them to extra curriculum activities..there is some limit for everything
go to their school if they need volunteer work..i do that too...

when my kids or little one doesn't eat i get frustrated...i told my husband they didn't eat..alll he said today ok...he was in the computer.he didn't do dishes..if he doesn't eat at home ..does that mean he won't do dishes or help me around the house..i told him about it..he just left the house saying i will just leave the house..this today's episode..where the fight was quiet..just ..said ok and left...many times he has blamed me and as well as my parents... i don't like that..


i had enough...there is no solution for these things i think...if men don't wan to do some thing they won't..and we can't force them to do....

once he also said..if i am married where does it say only i have to take responsibility towards a wife? that is what you promise when you walk around fire in Hindu marriage..

what is going wrong here..help me..
many times i have walked out becuase he has said this my house..while buying the house we have signed the contract together...i am taking care of the house..i am not going to complain that u do as much i do at home..but if you are not going to do anything or help me around with kids...then i think there is no way i can maintain this relationship...but at this moment i don't have job also i can't leave just like that...all these days i took care of my kids..(it is his kids too) he should have some responsibility towards them...if i wanted i could have take a good job ..i am a citizen of u.s. i have good education..i finished my education while i had my kids..i didn't want his money to go to day care...or to doctors visit..and also i wanted to raise my own kids so didn't work..now what is the problem..why can't he help me around the house and take some responsibility.

i need advice..please help...

prabha
let me tell you what i feel
i know women are not some machines who keep working round the clock and i totally understand when you mean your husband is not botehring about your kids and house hold stuff
But tell me one thing .how many men do you think will do house hold stuff????
i never seen my dad doing it
i never see my fil doing it
both my mom and mil are home makers
i am working and i feel even my dh does some work only when i ask for it else he will keep himself busy with computer friends movies etc never does any work volunarily
Your post says when you ask for it your dh is helping i feel something to be good there ,.i know people who wont even do that when asked
and coming to him saying its his house and all
i am not sure about situation that made him talk but yes if it was a part of fight i know some short tempered people may talk anything and everything i am not supporting him here i am just saying there are people who do that
May be give him some job and say its his responsibily to do it
i am not sure about his working hrs so check whats the best time and what is work to be assigned
sortt it out peacefully
please dont get frustrrated i know its really difficult to get manage kids house stuff etc let your parents share some kids work too

Prabha,

Why don't you take up some job and see any change in whole situation.

Because my husband, if I don't work he doesn't offer voluntary to help me, but once I work then he will help me lot at the end of course he feels he is helping my family not his family.

The advantage with jobs are, you get your own time and you get some appreciation and you will be more active and also you can also get some domestic help for cleaning and you feel good for yourself and confident.

Try this and see how it goes.


all the best

Oh!! Prabha, you are speaking my wife's words.. she does all you said above, she never expect me to do the household work, but I will pick up any work that I could do while I am at home.
Some times, she reminds me to load dishwasher, brush my DL teeth etc.. I do laundry me and she folds the cloths. The only thing in this world that I cant do is FEEDING my DL
Now we started having our DL at our dining table along with us, we both feed while we are eating from our plates
My dear respectable lady, first of all, you may think about coming out of the mood from the following line(s)
"so basically our relationship is ending.."
"i have to...wash the dirty bedsheets..." - I mean DIRTY in this line..
"there is no solution for these things i think..."

if you look at your state of thinking through the above lines, you will always end up in the last line, just come out of them.
Female got a lot of power with their love, affection and I could say THAT MAGIC.. use them so that every one at home will contribute for the family..

Dear Prabha,
I have been married for 15 yrs now; I have experienced both phases in my life. A working mother of 2 kids and a house wife since 4 yrs. Believe me, being a house wife may demand a lot from us but we are the boss. We are not answerable to anyone. We decide our timings except few like feeding the babies, changing their diapers. I take my husband as my 1^st kid. He was raised by his mom who hardly let him pick his plate after dinner. But within a yr of marriage, he does the dishes, laundry, takes care of the kids once he is home after work. Reason he is glad to be home. He waits to get home from work. You may wonder how it happened? I always ensure to greet him with a smile when he returns from work (he may not smile back instantly) I patiently wait, hand him a hot cup of coffee and let him rest for abt 15 mins first. Then I eagerly discuss his day for a while. DH will be glad to open up to us and will long to seek our opinions on any issues gradually. Do not let him do the dishes everyday. Ask him if would like to switch with any other chore may be even a easier one.. but later on ,u will be surprised they will take the harder chore voluntarily. Has worked in my life. Most importantly, appreciate what he does. may be a little thing but still do appreciate. they love it.

Originally Posted by SKK

Amazing and practical approach.. you must be smart and sweet for your family... thanks for sharing...
You proved that its the mental game rather than a physical game.. to share the household work among the partners.. you managed it well...

Prabha,

I have been through similar phases, and even started a thread a month or two ago, on how to handle when husband needs constant reminding to follow up on things that he agreed are his job.

Coming to your query, that behavior of husbands and the resulting frustration on the part of wives is very common. I have found that the way to fix it is partly how SKK suggested which makes sense but needs lot of patience and biting of the tongue. The other part is to sit down with husband at a peaceful time, and casually make a list of stuff that are his job. We need to be clear about this and leave no room for doubt. If we are having an easy day, we should not finish off their chore for them, as this will give mixed signals. This does not mean that we sit and watch TV waiting for husband to come home and do his chore, but there are other ways to utilize any unusual free time we occasionally come across rather than doing husband's chore for him and creating scope for future confusion.

The most important lesson I have learnt from my experiences has been that when one is really frustrated at the things that need to be done - handling dinner cooking, older kid's homework, younger kid's tantrum, and husband walks in the door and shows no understanding of the situation, then it is NOT the time to explain to him or yell at him. We yell, matters get worse. In the long run, no one remembers what the yelling was about, but the fact that we yelled remains etched in stone.

You have been married for about ten years, so your kids must be less than 9 years old. As they get older, and the younger child touches 6-7 years, things get easier.

-Rihana

Originally Posted by SreeSri

My dear respectable lady, first of all, you may think about coming out of the mood from the following line(s)
"so basically our relationship is ending.."
"i have to...wash the dirty bedsheets..." - I mean DIRTY in this line..
"there is no solution for these things i think..."

if you look at your state of thinking through the above lines, you will always end up in the last line, just come out of them.
Female got a lot of power with their love, affection and I could say THAT MAGIC.. use them so that every one at home will contribute for the family..

i agree with u !!!!

Originally Posted by SKK

I take my husband as my 1^st kid.

I always ensure to greet him with a smile when he returns from work (he may not smile back instantly) I patiently wait, hand him a hot cup of coffee and let him rest for abt 15 mins first. Then I eagerly discuss his day for a while. DH will be glad to open up to us and will long to seek our opinions on any issues gradually. Do not let him do the dishes everyday. Ask him if would like to switch with any other chore may be even a easier one.. but later on ,u will be surprised they will take the harder chore voluntarily. Has worked in my life. Most importantly, appreciate what he does. may be a little thing but still do appreciate. they love it.

very well said SKK..
!00% correct.. most ladies tend to forget to this.

Dear Prabha,

Just anxious to know on how things have changed...