I feel cheated and insecure confused in a dilemma.....

I am married for 2 and half yrs now.This timespan is namesake.I have never had a family life with my husband for more than 2 months.
My marriage is in middle of a big turmoil now.I am away from my husband for more than 4 months and it feels like hell .I feel as if there is no way out.I have not stopped crying and my parents feel I should go to a psychiatrist as i behave like a mad girl.I dont know what to do.

when I got married it all happenned in a jiffy.I was 26 when i was married.My husband is one year elder to me.Both of us worked in the US before marriage.We returned to get married.It all happenned in just a month.I left my Job .I never asked anything to him before marriage.I left everything to my parents.I did not ask a single question to him...and never said i had any questions.Just saw him...after 2 days we got engaged and after 10days we got married and left to the USA.I never got a chance to see/meet/live with anyone from his side...not even my MIL and SILs.They are strangers to me even now except they have become bitter enemies.
For five months after marriage,I was the happiest soul on earth.I never had to complain for anything.My husband loved me a lot.We celebrated monthly anniverseries.I came to know that he is very very very posessive.
He was obsessively posessive.Restricted me to talk to my relatives of my age.I got a job.He was regularly on phone to ask where I am and what I am doing, and with whom I am having lunch.....since i was staying away from his place...we would met on weekends.....I had to report to him every second what I am doing.....This continued for an year.....if I dont take his call he would start imagining things.....starts fighting.....never will listen to what I say.he thinks I am making up stories.once I called him and forgot to switch it off and was talking to my Project Manager.He got angry by the way I was talking to me....cause it was lunch time and he talked very casually not in a formal tone....he suspected I have links with him...and thats the reason I got hikes and job security....i felt so bad i cant express......our distance grew and he was suspicious on every move.....i transferred all my money to his account,I tried to do everything to make him believe....never asked anything about property(he bought home for his mother,sister's children...etc)......we kept fighting...he said I am characterless and my parents did not bring me up well......because i started getting hyseric and shout on him when he talks about not attending his call.......he stopped suspecting ..he said''Since we were newly married I had these doubts...but now its OK''...i was relieved....
After 1 and a half year I wanted to have children and asked him we should consult a doctor...as I was not concieving.Doctor said I had PCOS and had to take medicines and is curable.we took all tests.He asked me to leave job and stay with him...and i too felt that way...my MIL visited us...and kept complaining that I dont do house work and am irresposible....and i cant control my anger..
Now My husband says....he has lost trust in me,i am not fit to be a wife or daughterinlaw.He says i am not beautiful,my family is not good,i have no character and he made a mistake by marrying me....
He says I am proud that i am earning(though i left my job to stay with him and have kids)...He says i treat my ils badly because i am proud that i can earn.He says if he is nice to me i am sitting on top of his head.My MIL and SIL are not educated.they are housewifes and have very limited outside knowledge...they see TV serials and try to implement things on me.They feel girls who go out and work ,wear jeans are character less and make their husbands roam around the,.....i got to hear so many more things.........
I left their house saying' when no one likes me here there is no reason for me to continue'''.....and this was the mistake i made...later I realised it...went back apologized my husband and MIL stayed a month with them...but my MIL said'You and your mother are character less...how didi you come back without your mother coming and asking me'(I never wanted to involve my parents in this).My MIL cursed me so badly that I couldnt stand it..I returned to my parents home...talked to them..they tried to call my MIL but no one responded....its been 2 months we have been trying to contact them and pleading sorrys in emails.My husband said since I am pleading him so much he will give me a chance .he asked to call all relatives and before them I should agree that I have committed lots of mistakes by shouting at them....and I behaved very arrogantly...and i will not do it next time....my parents should fall on my MILs feet before everyone and plead her to take me back.....first time I had dgone without telling anybody and now he says he doesnot want to repeat it....he wants it befor everyone..........The big Talk is ina couple of days.....I am tensed...I long to meet him...i miss him so much....I feel cheated cause he does not show any signs of love for me....I am confused because i donno why he is behaving distant....he was the best husband...very loving and carins.......i made a mistake by shouting back...but never thought he.his family members stop talking and communicating ....i feel insecure bcos he said he is ready for divorce as he does not trust me....i feel cheated and when i want to talk to him...they say I am a desperate....to be frank....i get that insecure feeling and cant stand still on ground.........I donno what to do if tals fail

hey Ims,
read your post! Dear there are somethings that are glaringly visible from your post. Firstly, your hubby doesn't trust you and that was primarily the reason why you were shouting and screaming, just to convince him that that you are not characterless! Secondly, there also seems to be lack of love and affection from his end. you appear desperate to hold onto him, and perhaps that is why your parents are worried that you need psychiatric treatment. Your hubby also does not respect your feelings and that of you parents and want you to apologize and all that! You even asked for an apology once but left him again! And you seem to be insecure without him now (perhaps you remember all the nice things that you did together). Correct me if I am worng!
Now, firstly ims, what all happened to you is really unfortunate. Looks as if you are innocent enough to listen his crap of not trustig you just ebcause you are newsly-weds, and even transfer all money from your acount to his and even quit your job! Now, is the perfect time to first make yourself happy! First becoem confident that you are one of teh most special persons in this world that God has made and that nothing can stop you. Stop panicking what will happen if your hubby is not around! Do not worry...your hubby is not teh only man in this world (sorry if your offended) and there would be several others who are mature and sensible enough to respect you the way you are!
from your post it looks that you have no kid yet. Good,now you can first begin to think about yourself! Try getting busy with a hobby ro look for a suitable job. Stop fidgeting about your personal problems. Worrying woill not solve them! Support your parents. it is not their fault and why should they apologize when they ahve done no wrong? Get strong. join a gym or resume friendship with old friends. Stop discussing about your problem for now.
About your soon-to-be held talks with relatives and hubby, peerhaps some other ilites will gvie you a good advise! But for now, be happy and feel blessed. When you stop sending your hubby mails or call him, you will soon find that he is chasing you and is desperate for your attention.
Come on ims, love a guy who atleast respects you, not some one who mistrusts you or feels that you are characterless! Live life fully, it too short to watse on someone who does not understand you!
good luck!

IMS.... the root cause of your problem is also ILs..
You really enjoyed first 6mnths of your marriage except your husband's possesiveness which also got in control after a discussion.

Since you people spent very less time together he's more influenced with his family and mistrusting you at every step.. whatever your ILs can think... they're feeding him.
Also since the ILs are uneducated & into daily soaps.. they would have mostly expected a baby in first yr of marr... so any mention of reproductive issue leaves them with another reason to bully you or to severe ties with you... there's a lot of illetracy on this topic even in affluent families.

Whatever statements he's making about you, appears to be coming from his mommy's mouth which are talking about insecurity & simple insult.
Begging/ falling on his mom's feet will be the begining of another nightmarish life ahead.. similar to dowry troubles (which begin with small demands).. are you planning to beg and fall at his feet throughout life?... also apology in front of all relative? WHY? Did you scream in front of all those relatives?
Also who shall guarantee that he wont mistrust on your baby if it happens with treatment?
Isn't it possible to go to his house provided your MIL has left and talk to him personally to sort out issues? Its also your house ...

Hi Ims,

YOur situation seems little similar to me. My hubby also kept on calling me at every second and wants me to tell him about every stupid quetion that he asked. he will even ask about the background noise when i talk to him > i Know it is very irritating. But Men are i think like this only.


Neways, What so ever has happened , try to forget it. Situation moves on time move on so do we. My advise (Pls dnt get offended) try to move in life by leaving him behind. Bcos if he has luvd you he wouldnt have done or ask this much. Sooner or later he might be able to realise what he has done. Everybody knows from inside what is wrong or right. If he has done all this in some influence then there is no point at all in going back to him. Even if he patch up for now , you will be humiliated for this for your whole life. It is better to get out of it for ever rather than facing it everytime. I know dear it hurts but once hurt is always better than being hurt every minute.

All the best.

I have thought about and have been thinking for months...what about my life if he goes away....why I am saying this is.....the time I have spent with him is very less but golden...he did hurt me..and accused me...and took lot of his frustration on me...but i feel that he has done this because he cannot hurt his mother.I myself feel sorry for her.She was widowed at a very young age and since then she brought up 3 kids...she says she had to bear lot of insults..she poured out to me 3 days aftermarriage....I felt good that she had entrusted her secrets with me.......i felt close to her that day....but the very next day she behaved totally opposite......4 days from marriage...we were suppossed to travel to US.....i called my husband into our bedroom.......he came and closed the door behind us...nothing actually happenned behind closed doors ...but my MIL felt so bad that she knoked on the door and left the house....she returned late at night ...my husband was worried searched for her everywhere...i was terrified....she came back before my husband....she was crying....i asked her what happenned and she said....that she was not well and went to get her doctor reports....I cant believe 10 oclock at night she went there switched off her mobile...this happenned 4 days after marriage........i was scared to death that day.....but i forgot that very soon.....

I am confused about your post, actually your husband is calling u characterless, suspecting you, now wants yur poor parents to fall on your IL'ws feet, what should be a private matter, he wants to make it public in front of your relatives loose your self respect and promise in front of everyone that you will not repeat this mistake again.

Inspite of all this, you say you love him and miss him so badly.

He is ready to divorce you but u are not, we ladies can tolerate anything but not character assasination, He has not supported you at any time.

So take your own time to think if you really want to continue this marriage, if YES! then you should make some changes in both u and your hubby, both of you need marriage counselling, and you should try to control your temper than turning hysterical.
First you and your hubby should have a private talk minus relatives not even immediate one's.

this is what is confusing......

he talks to me nicely ..but gets abusive about parents.....if i support them....he gets abusive with me......
He says my parents have been defaming him in our community....he says they are jealous of us both living happily...he said..he gets phone calls from evrybody blaming him....when he asks who told you this...it traces back to my parents......I said my parents are not like that ...but he never listens to me.....
my MIL also wants me to abandon my parents......
he says since I am earning my parents want to divorce us and want to use me for earning.....and for supporting my Sisters marriage....the only means for them is poisionnig you and divorcing......he has been saying this since 1yr...How much ever I convince him he refuses to agree.....

I tried to talk to him personally...he avoids...and he spoke only 2 words....because of your and your family deeds,my mother sisters and everyone is hurt....i am defamed....so for us to be together happy...everyone should be able to acccept us....he also said we did arranged marriage...not love marriage...so we have to do this before everyone and prove that he is good and all the defaming(donno if there is any)was a roumour........if this happens no one will dare to pin point family again.....

the pin pointing happenned because...i asked my parents to talk about the issue to my MIL(which she wanted initially)...now they say it was wrong because everyone is talking abt it...and my mom is reponsible for spreading................
just donno whats going on...hard to even guess...who did what....or what went wrong....or where to correct....how to avoid this big gathering......

Hi Ims,

See, these initial turmoil is bound to happen in any marriage. Because, the husband and wife are from totally different environment. But, from what you have written it is clear that there is no real problem between you two. You both give your ears to others' talk.

Basically, what your husband was doing like checking on you is not out of possessiveness, it is due to his insecured feeling. He might be feeling guilty inside that he is not giving you what he is supposed to give you. So, we should not take everything superficially. But, from what you wrote it is clear that the undercurrent between you and your husband is good. But, in future neither of you should give importance to others involvement. You have to work out how that could be achieved.

See, if you want to stop the gathering, stop it. You tell him that the issue is between you and me and it has nothing to do with my family or your family. What is the use of having such a large gathering? Are those people clean and devoid of any remarks? How those people can witness for something which is private and personal? So, you can tell him that if you really respect and love me, let us sort this out privately. That is all.

Tell him that I am your wife, if you don't respect me, and instead if you make me to stand and apologize in front of all those people will make you only small in front of others.

Prior to marriage, I am alone. Now, I am Mrs. of so and so. So, any insult to me is an insult to you also. So, this is not the right way to do.

And don't worry about him, he will not separate from you and you can always win him through your love. The trump card anybody use is this.

About your MIL, it is obvious that all MIL was DIL once and all the DIL take a oath that we will never be like our MIL, but eventually at the later age they become like any other MIL. Why and how? That is again insecure feeling. If you give an indirect assurance to your MIL that even after your company with your husband, his love and affection towards her will remain same, she will not worry and create all these problems. But, it takes time and you have to be patient until that time. At least she is also a poor widow.

Altogether, I don't feel that there is a big problem here, except that you are heavily stressed and panicked by all these incidents in the last few months. If you calm down yourself, things can be straighten up easily. Until that you can purchase some more time by avoiding this gathering. But, at your present tensed mind set, it is not wise to hold the gathering.

Thanks
Dhans

Ims,

I have read your posts, and feel for you. Irrespective of what, who, why, you are in a situation that makes you feel confused, and having been through similar confused times, I can imagine a bit how you must be feeling. I would suggest taking a deep breath, and reading the responses by member Dhans a few times. If you present things the right way, using the correct phrasing without getting too emotional, the matter can be resolved to everyone's liking. The key being to focus on what you want for the future, and not prolonged analysis of the past.

Take care, and keep us posted if you can.
Rihana

P.S. If you can avoid the ........ in your posts, it would make them easier to read.

Hi IMS,

I was very much in your situation once. I have been married for 4 yrs for now. My DH used to spy on and doubt me on everything. Infact he used to track all my mails and message history and stopped me from communicating with my friends and relatives. Even we both used to work in a different places and meet on weekends. I gave all my money to him and he used all the money on his parents to buy house for them on their names and gifts to SIL. My SIL an IL's ruined my life to the core. When they (my Dh and IL's) used to hurt me by their words talking abt my up brining I started to shout and scream at them ...they took this as an advantage and started calling my parents and relatives saying ill about me. Meanwhile I was pregnant and I went to India for my delivery. My DH and IL's never bothered to see my DD after birth even after 5 months they did not turn up..I used to feel so bad and always think abt my DH and cry ( Thinking the good times we had together). I used to long for him and cry. When I try to make phone calls or send e-mails he never used to respond nor his parents responded (My IL's are only 3 miles afar from my parents house) They all made my life hell. I went through Postpartum depression. Later my DD was 6 months I made my parents to talk with their relatives n my IL's. I went back to my DH. Even now my parents hate my DH and my IL's

I am with my DH now. I could see some good changes(say abt 10%) in him now. but he behaves the same when his parents call on every weekends. He is very much a mama boy. My IL's interfere in everything. Now he has made me isolated from my parents and relatives. I call my parents only in absence of DH.
But he is a very nice father to my DD but could not be a good husband to me. However he stopped spying and doubting me. He stopped abusing me for now. But whenever I think abt my past with him I feel he does not deserve me. He is very money minded and a selfish person. I changed myself (100%) to be with him.
To be frank if I wouldn’t had any kids with him I would have divorced him by now and would never look back as I had a very good support from my parents. I am still sticking to him for the sake of my DD...I am sure god is with me...My DH will repent one day for he is done and doing to me.

You are lucky that you don't have any kids with him. One should plan to have kids only when you guys understand each other. Don't ever be in a impression that with a new arrival things go good which a complete wrong statement given by our elders.

If I were you I would never go back to that animal(Sorry for offending). Inspire of all your sacrifices he failed to understand your feelings. Donno why these kind of chanters (including my DH) get married when they can't understand their wives feelings. After all what we expect from them is love and affection. They fail to realise that we are the one who will be with them till the end and not their parents. The girls parents will always be in pain if they see their daughter suffering.

IMO it would be better to be independent rather than suffering like this. The ball is in your court. you decide what is better for you.