I feel cheated and insecure confused in a dilemma.....

Dear IMS,
Suspicion is a bad disease. Your husband suspected you when you went to work and it looks like he stopped suspecting you once you gave up your job and stayed with him. What is the guarantee he will not suspect you in future?? You might take up a job, wont you? Do you feel that was just an isolated episode and he will not hold any suspicion hereafter? This is what seems to be the major block in your marriage to me. Frankly, I will not want to live with such a guy.

Your other problems - inlaws, mamma's boy and all, are problems. but less severe when compared to the suspicious nature of your husband.

If you do decide to rejoin him, please make sure you discuss financial matters with him. Do not be a silent puppet any longer. Do not bequeath all your earnings to him or your in-laws. Save that for the rainy day. Also, speak to your husband about making investments in your names and not in his relatives' names. It is important to secure your future; do not let go of this opportunity to talk about it to him when you patch up. Otherwise, sooner or later you will get frustrated.

Good luck!
Sandhya

Once I told him that why dont you consider me as one in your family.You support your mother and sis but why cant you take my side at least 1%.how will I get confidence on you.He said my ppl have no body other than me but you have lot of relatives to support you...you dont need me....

Will it be like this forever?will I have to be a stranger in my home expecting help from outside always?

IMS.. my DH has pretty much similar response on taking my side.
He's more political to say.. I've supported you enuff in front of outsiders... and behind his family...
However when it comes to priority the ppl who are directly connected to him by blood get priority.. and this stupid doctrine is being preached to him in core by my MIL.. most wicked doctrine I feel.

This society is about survival of fittest.. so they try to create their majority by all such stupid means.. but is walking out of marriage a solution? Are we trying to relive a Devdas here.. that since no one loves me.. I shud depart from everywhere?

Most "happy/ successful" ppl I've seen around are the ones who fight back for their place in this society/ relation and not necessarily becos everyone loved them from day 1.

Originally Posted by blessed

I
He is ready to divorce you but u are not, we ladies can tolerate anything but not character assasination, He has not supported you at any time.
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IMS,
Another story of possessive mother messing with son's marriage. This will never change, no matter what you do. You will always be blamed .
It is time for you to sit down and prioritize with a goal of living your life or making other live your life.

drjp

hi ims
this happens in almost everyone's life
pls dont feel bad
it shows ur hubby's insecurity,ego and nothing else
he wants to show off that he's a guy & has control over u
U personally meet him once & ask him sorry
U pls explain in a very very low tone that nobody knew abt his checkings often over phone so we should solve our own problems
never & ever go in front of his relatives to ask sorry
b'cos nobody would support u in any case just b'cos he's a guy
this is surely a curse for our lives
we girls r being cheated always & they want us to lay under their feet
one thing I say is that if u take ur parents in front of them surely they let u people fully down & never expect any pity from ur husband
it's merely standing on the wall & which side to jump
all the girls r patient only for their parents (we cannot face them)
but be sure & confident that ur life'll settle down
for that u've to act that's the only way
say sorry to him personally even if u dont like it
bye all the best
-vinnyvishy

Hi IMS,

please dont go public.
If you have any self respect for you AND your family, dont do this.

Trust me, if you give in like this, he will torture you more in the future and you will have no one to turn to. Think about it with your head.
you are only missing him because this is the only guy you have been with. you think you love him because you have stayed with him for 3 years now and you are just so much used to him and his tortured life.

dont do this. you will be making the biggest mistake of your life by going public. I read ur posts and your husband is nothing but girlish. he is NOT going to divorce you. He is just threatening you so that you do what he says. He is plotting this whole thing against you and you are stupid enough to accept all this......

stop the contact with him and his family for another few months. Write him a letter one last time as to what you expect out of him. And let him make the decision as to what he wants. If you have PCOS, look after yourself and get fit first. Give 6 months to solitude and gain backyour confidence. start working.

After 6 months, call him if he hasnt already. YES, you talk to him over the phone and see how things are and tell him that you are equally in love bla bla bla....

Originally Posted by ims

Once I told him that why dont you consider me as one in your family.You support your mother and sis but why cant you take my side at least 1%.how will I get confidence on you.He said my ppl have no body other than me but you have lot of relatives to support you...you dont need me....

Will it be like this forever?will I have to be a stranger in my home expecting help from outside always?

IMS,
You are considering your husband to be your world. Your husband is simply not fit for that place. Wake up, IMS. There are many things beyond him. Many husbands get worked up when asked this question of priority. Whether they keep you above others or not, they will not tell you so, esp. when you are not in good terms with them. To them, it is like losing a battle and letting their own parents and sis down. Will they do that when, in their eyes, you have made a grave mistake?? No way! Stop expecting your husband to fight for you and to support you. Learn to stand up for yourself! You can do it!

Take some time off, as someone suggested, and focus on your well-being. Many of us women are so emotionally-dependent on our husbands for our happiness, that they take that as an advantage and threaten to spoil our peace for the silliest of reasons, one among them being, in-laws not happy with something. Look beyond your husband and in-laws and try to respect yourself. Teach your husband that you cannot be taken for granted. You are a human being and have some self-respect too (leave alone your parents). Do not go behind him and ask sorry. If you know you have not done any mistake, then, just tell him that you find nothing wrong in your behavior and are not going to apologise.

Your husband is really irrational here. As someone said, he seems to be echoing his parents´wishes. Why does he ask you to apologise in front of all relatives?? Sounds very dramatic.

It is a tricky situation when in-laws say that you have shown disrespect to them by shouting at them. Did you in fact do that? If yes, then, I feel you must just say sorry to them and try to control your temper in front of them hereafter. Just because they are elders, tender an apology to them (IF you did speak arrogantly). This is not the time to reason out that you were right in reiterating as they spoke ill of you. remember, your inlaws are trying to spoil your relationship with your hubby. Deny them the chance! Just give some reason that you were worked up that day or something and blurted out and didnt mean it, and that you will not repeat that. Then, make sure you tell your husband that you asked sorry just for his sake and that it is his duty to make sure they do not cause any ripples in your marriage. Speak very little to your in/laws. And tell your husband it is for you own good that you are taking this way out.

Regards,
Sandhya

hi
please dont go back. i will tell you my story. i am doctor. i had govt job in india. but my husband was like yours. i suffered a lot and when i fought i had to leave house. but the story doesnot end. i had 2months old daughter and 1 younger sister andbrother that time. my parents didnot support me. i went back. my husband later repented and took a job in germany. we are here for 4 years. but i cant forget that pain. i am not happy. if you dont have a sister then please dont go back to your husband.
manu.

Hi,
I am very sorry to read your story. Firstly please take care of yourself. As an outsider, I can write to you in paragraphs but being you and going through this is very tough. To my knowledge relationship is two-way. It can never be one-sided. Get out of your emotional mood and think a little practically. Firstly, what all you have done before and after marriage (with regard to this marriage i mean) - have a self introspection. If at all you have made any mistake (with or without your knowledge). Then you should apologise for all those. Same way, if your DH has hurted you in any way, you should tell him that and make him understand about it so that he doesn't repeat. And most importantly, one thing you must realise is Is he worth for all your love and affection. Will he take good care of you in future. Please weigh the pros and cons of living with him and separating.

All the Best...
Take Care!