Finance issues leads to a big fight with my husband

Hello everyone,

We both husband and wife are working on gud posts. We are married for last 4 years but till now when ever we discuss money matters it leads to a very bitter fight among ourselves. There are many reasons to that.

Firstly i think he is not taken the financial responsibility since day 1 of our marriage that a husband should.

He didn't spend a penny on me or on my requirements. He says ur earn so u can manage ur expenses. Actually i started giving him all my salary initially but this lead to as if am begging for money for my cosmetics, mobile recharge and all....

Coping for few months with this, I stopped giving any money to him and started spending the money i required from my salary and balance used to go to my savings account

DH never used to spend anything from his pocket whenver we go out ot market say for house hold items and buying something for our bedroom. I only used to do that. He used to say that he has already giving big amount to his mum for house hold expanses so our specific requirements should be born by me

I was also told to born expanes of all the gifts we used to give to my inlaws and my parents on different occasions as he said he is already over buried with the expanses. To some extent this was true, 50% of his salary he used to give to his mu. But what pinches me most is the his attitude. He doesn't take any ownership of me as all men do. He doesn't feel bad like others wn i his wife spend money for day to day requirment.

Well i had no choice so I have been doing this. In last few years, we have bought many things together like AC furniture for our bedroom sharing 50% but I have no regrets on that.

Today i have a kid and even then he has restricted himself to spending money on my and kid's medicine only remaining things like kid's cloths, toys, diapers etc I only have to spend. Even he doesn't spend on his cloths, i do that when i feel

Even if if tell him to bring things for our room for me or kid he will take ages to actaully materialize that and that too with reminders and arguments. It just spoils my taste and enthu of owing that thing so i just stopped doing it.:icon_frown:

Well even on trips we go we share the expanses.

Well, whenever we are abt to buy something or need something for home or for our room and we talk how much savings he has or I have and it leads to bitter fight. Last time, we had so much bad fight that my FIL added to it that "I have huge savings as i don't contribute to home as in my early months of marriage so that is am so rude and have attitude towards everyone ( though this come to me indirectly.

This was a year back, since then my DH has said u continue spending money the way u he been doing, and he will not ask anything nor he will see or sign my expanses diary. I don't want to know anything abt ur money and u should also need not involve in mine matter. I started getting my monthly expanse diary signed so that he know how much I have been spending but since last time we fought over how much less I have in my account and where all the money is goings kind of things. he stopped seeing it too

All this is not gud...and I hate him for this.

Even he hardly bought any thing for me in last 4 years not cloths no jewellery nothing and if i ask he will say i will get it for u but keep on postponing that and ultimately i get irritated and say i will buy at my own.

Can u pls share your tips how can i make him realize my responsibility financially too.

Please help.

hi,
I'm working too. I do not know how to solve ur problem. But this is what we do...
we (my husband and me) have a joint account. Both our salaries are deposited into it. From that account about 10% goes to savings. Mind you.. it is our savings. Neither his nor mine. The rest is used for all expenses including day to day expenses, gift etc. Even money sent to parents goes from this source. Again when i say parents... it is both his and mine. There is nothing like 'ask him' for money.

In a marriage, finance is a very delicate issue. Especially in India where 'dowry system' is still prevailing. Do not make it the most important issue. You will not have a 'Happy Marriage' then. It becomes a business arrangement. Also, in this highly stressful world, home should be the most peaceful place. To me getting an account diary signed by the husband sounds ridiculous. It doesn't sound like 'family'. you should maintain an account for the family, not what you spent for the family.

my 2 cents...
regards,
Sharada

Hi Sharada,

Thanks for taking time and sharing your experience.

We did started with a joint account soon after our marriage but after few months. But after few days inlaws started increasing financial presures of my husband telling him to get few thing for home say high tech gas, microwave and AC for their bedroom. Few things i accepted and let him spend money on them but when i saw he was just fulfilling their every expectations from our hard earned money I objected. Being arranged marriage i didn't have so much gud repo or influence on my hubby so he didn't used to listen to me when i stopped him to make any financial committment.

So i stopped despositing my salary to our joint account. Well secondly, he used to say no to my demands saying i don't think it is required or we will buy later so i used to difficult for me to draw the money and annoy him.

So i had no choice but stopped giving any money. Initially i did started giving some 4000 rs to my MIL but whenever my increment used to happen my inlaws used to revise the our contribution towards home too so i started hating that so i stopped giving my hubby any money and started broning all the day to day requirement and rest used to save.

With this savings only i gave him a big amt to buy car when we were expecting our baby. He did appreicated that but my inlaws got upset as they didn't wanted us to buy our own car for some of their own reasons.

Well, so today i have somewhat better repo with my husband we have a kid to take care of. Things are going ok but this finance issue is still the ambigious thing in our life.

and so his attitude is like i mentioned in my earlier mail. He doesn't spend on us except medicines. This may be as he is already spending 80% of his salary on car and home and remaining 20% he wants to save and 2ndly he is not used to spend on me....bcoz of his parents never let him practice that saying she is earning and so she can spend..

Am thinking of talking to him some day on this that let us club the finances again but somehow fear this dosn't lead to same problems all over again. He is ok with me now spending and doesn't say much but i feel bad that he still lives like a bachelor financially and doesn't feel like buying or gifting me anything.

So..........just thinking should i look for a gud opportunity to talk to him and settle this matter once for all so that we are more confident. but i do know this he is bit kanjoos wn it comes to my demands and even his but he spend like anything whenever his parents ask for anything.......even out of the way to please them...

hope I could get more help from you and other ladies on this forum.....

Take care,

Working mom

Hi Sarada,
YOu seems to be lucky to have such husband where you guys have common account and it is like a open book. Moreover you have to liberty to send money to your parents too...
I am also working like a donkey here, but if I have to buy anything for myself, there will be a big argument.
I am going India next week, my husband has prepared a budget for me and he is going to send only $1000.00 that too after reminding him.
It is been 9yrs of our marriage and we live in US, still he expects me to ask my parents for me and my kid's india expense (as it is girl's side parents duty to take care).
Very beginning when I got job in US, my husband asked me to take care of my own expenses and his salary would be his alone and he will send it to his parents.
I was asked to share rent, all the bills. I was pregnant that time, so all my extra expenses like fruits, medicine, doctor's visit was on me.
Only the expenses were asked shared in the house, where as the household work like cooking, cleaning , washing etc was done only by me (because it is wife's duty to take care of husband) it was such a double standard life and painful life.

After 9 yrs of marriage, today my husband is telling that he is going to keep full time nanny for 4 months during his parents visit (nanny would roughly costs around $2000 to $2200/month). He doesn't have money to send more that $1000 for me for my india trip , where as he has money for paying nanny.
What a life I have GOT!!

Thanks,
Punitha

hey punitha,
I really felt very sad after reading your post. If you are working why should you feel like that..why should your husband will make a budget for your India trip?
that's not fair that too you are going after long time even you have somethings
which you need to do for your parents...I assume you already try explain everything but if doen't understand why should you listen to him..make your trip more joufull spend how you wish...ofcourse their could be big fight between you and your husband but atleat you will be happy in what you want to do.. don't feel bad about what life you have got..in everybody's life some issues will be there..
follow the golden rules( you have to make effort to make your life happy)....

Off course, The GOLDEN RULE FOR WOMEN is my daily bible.
Thanks for your suggestion.
Punitha

Hm.. What i read here.. sounds scary ...
well guys we had our differences and apprehensions before sharing money.
As usual , like all other men who go for earning wives.. My husband also never wanted to spend a single penny on his wife.. Thats why they go for working "less good-looking gal" he would give me this logic.
I used to be hurt.. But then I toughened myself up.
We decided to have a joint account and separate savings account.
We pool in equal amount of money towards house expense and common expenses. Rest trivial ones ..liek self-grooming etc..also we pay from common.
Big expenses like ..sending money to parents or so.. we do for our sides respectively.. I think its been peaceful for us..

Hello everyone,

Initially, i felt bad that it may be that it is just happenign to me but now i realize that most of the men married to working momen tend to have same menality.

Well i agree, we should learn to be happy ourselves. if we can't not make our DHs realize as alteast that time when we spend money as we want makes us feel happy and content.

U know my problem is that when i spend money the way i want and where i want, it makes me happy and as am spending he can't do much abt it except telling me not to spend for some of his reasons but he can not force me...so i think it is better to spend money the way i want on my kiddo my parents and myself...why not that i y am earning and mind you am still doing my dual role at home too...no credit for doing all house chores and daily duties so i think am lucky that i am earning and still spend money on my needs...so make myself happy...

What you say....do share

Like others, the golden rule for women is a great source of inspiration. I wish it to be more added on finance issues or to be specific working women issue.

You know some one scared me by telling an experience taht those women who tend to do hardwork both at home and spouse have a unhealthy old age well i also read this in the few posts on this forum where we all mentioned abt our moms...I don''t want this for myself. I want to keep myself my kid happy but i think in today's word u can only help others ur family ur husband ur children when you are capable and healthy so...as being women there are lot of expectations from you at every stage of life WE MUST KEEP OURSELF HAPPY AND HEALTHY...

I just wonder how we can do this....I hardly find time for myself especially after the birth of my son:icon_frown:

Take care

hi Working Mom,

I think, accepting that there are other women with the same problem, is not a solution to your problem. You are still doing all the household work, spending the money, taking the brunt of the family.

Think about it. Work with your spouse on it. You have a long life ahead. This is just the begining...

There is a saying in Telugu, "Mokkai unganidhi, Maanai ungunaa?" which means, "if it does not bend as a small plant, will it bend as a tree?". Your married life has just started. Set the standards now. It will be difficult to set it right later.

Regards,
Sharada

hi Working Mom,

"So Sure" is right! You need to set the standards now itself. Esp. since you have a child to think about.
Remember, responsibilities of children only increase nowadays. You cannot be looking after all the needs of the child, he also has to pitch in and do his share. Since he has married you, he has a responsibility to you and child.

Please think it out carefully and discuss calmly with him eventually. The sooner the better. Please be practical about it, do not get emotional and all.


Btw, I am saying all this, but my hubby also does not spend anything much on me, his parents are there, and his daughter (my step-daughter) is also there. We (hubby and me) are living separately close-by. I spend on all things - the rent, household, everything. But he does feel guilty and spends on few household stuff now and then.
He also bought a few major items like DishTV connection, bed and cupboard. My in-laws made a big fuss, but behind my back.

Anyways, he does have financial problems, so I just leave it at that. I know he would spend if possible. Also, he spends on our weekend hotel dinners or lunches, so that is also fine with me. And will buy some small gift (dress, bracelet) when possible and give to me secretly :) (i.e. without in-laws knowing)

I do earn ok, so not much problems. But the money just flows when spending, yaar...

One more point, he has practically no savings at all. So he tells me, don't spend, try to save.

best,
hasita