Strange situation........i m struck..........Plz help

Hi,

I have a very strange problem and cant understand how to move ahead. I am a 29 year old female who got married 4 years ago and have a 2.5 years old daughter. From the very day I got married our relations were fine but we cant say very good. Right from our initial days we had clashes, we use to sort them out but then another clash. We were feeling very strained but life was moving smoothly. We had clashes because of lots of guests in his family regularly visiting our nuclear family with no time left for us, we had clashes because of his family and my family had number of cultural differences, we had clashes because his father was so blunt as if he doesnt know how to talk decently. Our major clash was that they had too much of ladkewalas in them and they had this perception ladkewalas can never bend.

Anyways life was moving sometimes good sometimes bad but it was fine but not gr8. His family has a major problem about boosting themselves unnecessarily which I use to feel very dumb of them. I used to ignore number of things. Though we both stayed together seperately from his family because of our jobs but his family interference was too much. Like his father will make a call discussing about some silly plot with him and will talk for hours without thinking that no time is left for us.I think I was very innocent before marriage without knowing how to tackle things. Whenever there was such situations I use to fight with him, I use to feel as if he is person without brains.....he should learn to avoid guests or long talks but no he wont do that. I also learned with time.......we kept a full time maid so that pressure on me is reduced and these tits and bits can be avoided.

One thing which always bothered me was that he wanted that my salary should be used jointly in his family. He always use to tell me that everything is joint and our salaries should be used jointly with his father and his 2 brothers who were a year or two younger then him. Even I was fine with that till I realized that I had completely lost my freedom of spending. Tomorrow if I have to get something i have to ask from him that if I can get it. Sometimes my salary was used in paying EMIs for house which we purchased after marriage without any liquidity left for me. I never had any savings in these 4 years. I was never interested in getting the house which we purchased because I wanted that during initial years of our marriage we should have more liquidity so that we can stay lavishly and spend our lives happily but he and his father wanted that you should invest in some house instead of spending unnecessarily. I was fine with that but never satisfied. My parents gave everything in my marriage as gift from A to Z of houseware from furniture till TV to kitchenware and all. So we never had to bother for that as we had everything. But after getting so much I had never seen him or his family satisfied. they will never praise me or my parents which pinched me.

We planned for a baby and I always use to feel that everything would be fine after that. When my baby was couple of months old we moved to US. Meanwhile my both brother inlaws got married and settled in US. We went there but I felt lonely there with no one from my family there but was adjusted well and even started working there. All his relatives were again with us in US visiting us on regular basis as he had half of his family in US but by that time it was 2 years to our marriage and I learnt tackling things. But with times whenever there was any clash he started using abusive language and even beating me twice or thrice. He was always out of control with time but again apologising later when he is cool.

We came back after spending an year in US. I searched for a new job in India. After almost six months his company again told him to move to US, this time I could not go because firstly I searched a new job in India and secondly my passport was expired. So he went for 3 months. I felt bad when he was going thinking how me and my daughter would manage alone. My parents came to me for a few days after he went. I kept my daughter few days in creche but a feeling of guilt was there so I decided to leave her to my parents place which was 2 hours from my job. I started commuting daily from my parents place. I use to travel daily for 4-5 hours but mentally was very relaxed. what I could realize that I am the happiest person on earth. Their was no one to stop me in doing things or giving lectures i was so relaxed after he went. Also I could spend my money my own way.

I could not stay with his parents because they were almost 7 hours away from my job and even they could not come because of their jobs. But somehow this idea of commuting was not very acceptable to them. It was not acceptable to them that I should go daily to my parents and my daughter should stay there. They started brain washing my husband that I dont let my daughter meet his parents and i dont visit them much. But frankly speaking I was so very busy with my new job that it was only possible for me to visit his parents once or twice a month since they were very far. Somehow his trip further extended he wanted me and my daughter to visit him in US, he made arrangements for us there but it was not possible for me to get my passport made in Tatkal since it was damaged. Moreover, I was so relaxed here with my parents that I never wanted to visit him in US but that was secondary primary was this that passport could not be made.

He thought that I didnt went delibrately to him and stopped talking to me on phone. Meanwhile his parents again started brainwashing him ki agar hamare through passport banwati to hum tatkal me banwa dete as they wanted everything to be done passing there window. He was brainwashed so badly that he stopped talking to me. I used to make him calls but he either wont reply or reply saying that I am busy and I am not going to come another year or two. He never gave me any financial support these 6 months when he was abroad. I started feeling that what is his need in life when he is not supporting me in any way. I stopped receiving calls of his parents or his relatives thinking that if he is not talking to me why should i talk with any of his relatives. This gave his parents other chance brainwashing him that yeh apni man marzi karti hai hamari baat nhi sunti.

Anyways time passed without we talking to each other and came the day of our 4th marriage anniversary. He never made any call to me to wish me and I never attented any call of his relatives. I thought that I should wish him if he dont want. At night I made him a call wishing him and saying you never made me any call. I told him we should clear things out. He said you played game with me you delibrately didnt came to US. You are not interested that "I should meet my daughter". You do not want to come to US because you are getting all facilities there in India. I told him you are very wrong even I am struggling a lot here commuting daily for 5 hours on buses. He said who told you to commute. you leave daughter to maid but ask me how bad I feel leaving my daughter to maid when I am getting facility of leaving her to my parents. Anyways I cleared all his doubts and he was fine and told me that I should let our daughter talk to him next morning. Next morning I made him a call telling him to talk to his daughter but he responded saying that I am tired and wanted to sleep. After couple of hours I again made him a call but he responded saying he dont want to talk as because of me he has missed seeing movements of his daughter and now he dont want to talk. I felt so irritated that I told him I cannot tolerate person like you and bye forever. I just completely stopped talking to him. I gave call to his close aunt narrating all that he is doing and behaving.
One fine day almost after a month my husband made call to my brother that he is back in India in his parents place and my brother should send his(my husbands) car there which was with me. He never inquired about me or my daughter. My parents and my brother felt very bad as we are near airport and he should have informed us. Anyways my brother sent him the car. He was expecting my family members to go there and plead before him and his parents but nobody went. He came back to our home after staying a week there but we never communicated. Time passed he gave call to my uncle saying that we are not communicating and he never informed me because I said bye forever and he was scared talking to me. He wanted that his family and my family should sit and sort out matter. I told my uncle that I dont want that families should sit becaust then unnecessarily I will speak coz I cant stop myself this time and relations will really spoil. They would be worse. I told uncle I wanted to meet him personally without anybody. I made my husband a call after months telling him I wanted to talk to him something but he responded again saying I am busy. I felt very bad I told my uncle to convey him that he should not have behaved this way. My uncle told him that he is not right and should take care of me and my daughter. He said that if I am at my parents place he is not responsible. When I heard this I felt so bad that I made him a call saying how dare you can say that.......you send all my furniture and gifts back since you wanted your car and I wanted a divorce and you better talk to my lawyer.
He narrated all that to my uncle. Anyways I was quiet. After couple of days my husband made me a call asking me about the list of items to be sent and status of lawyer, I think he was a bit scared but I am not sure because divorce and all our big terms for his village like family. I told him I spoke everything in anger and I dont have any such intentions. 50 minuted I talked to him clearing each and every of his doubt and he was fine and we decided to meet on Tuesday. He said he will contact me but he never contacted me on Tuesday. On wednesday I again made him a call asking him what happened he said he was busy on tuesday and again there is nothing we should talk seperately. He never gave me feelings that he is interested to really meet me alone. Today I am managing everything and feeling I was a fool in spending all my income of 4 years on his family and him.
Please help me friends in answering couple of questions:
1. 15 days have passed to this incident but he is not responding in any way. Why?
2. Is he expecting that he is ladkewala so we should fall at his feet?
3. How can that be possible that he is not at all responsilble for his daughter after coming back for more than a month?
4. Can I respect such a person my entire life?
5. What shall I do?
6. Is this the definition of marriage?
7. Why should I waste my life because of him? I am not tensed or depressed but surprised.

Leenu

Ofcourse its strange. To expect expect expect but bot give anything else in a marriage.

What is that you want? Have you asked yourself that?

You don't like him talking to his family,or his family mingling with you. You want to just have him. He should just erase that he had a family before he married you.

You want to be completely independent but your husband should share all details with you no matter what.

You want to lead a life lavishly while your husband seems to be reasonable and responsible by making investments.

You want his family to shower you with appreciation.

You did not back off from this alliance when they are as per yourf terms, village people and who demanded each and everything.

You were lonely because you had no family member in US and most of his village were in US

You did not go to US with him because more than marriage you felt your job is important and being away did not matter much as you said you felt good being your own self. Happiest person on earth.

You wanted divorce and after much time if he oks, it waas you who cleared is so called doubts and patch up.

So all these questions I don't think is applicable to him. Ask yourself that.

IMO I don't think you need a husband at all. Sorry. You just need a status.

Poor guy !!!

You are 100 % wrong in judging me..........its not that I dont want his family the problem is if we all meet things would worsen up.............putting allegations on each other because this had happened earlier and involving so many people create problems.

Moreover I want that both of us should be independent because I want to manage my finances my way and not jointly with his family when I am left with nothing. I dont have anything in my account today when I have to raise my daughter.

I am calling them a villager not because they are but because they are typical husband dominating family. I hope you understand.

Dear Leenu,
sorry if i am being harsh
but this is my view as u posted and wnated answers okay? u said

his father will make a call discussing about some silly plot with him and will talk for hours without thinking that no time is left for us
i know privacy and time with dh is important but u knw a father needs time with his son too as they are at a differnt palce ..i hope its not a daily affair so i guess it should not bother much

he should learn to avoid guests or long talks but no he wont do that.
i wonder why anyone should do that??? we are in society and we need friends and relatives to come home

Sometimes my salary was used in paying EMIs for house which we purchased after marriage without any liquidity
its ur home buddy and u can spend for that too .expenses should be shared afterall its urs

But after getting so much I had never seen him or his family satisfied. they will never praise me or my parents which pinched me
well ur parents gave stuff to u and u r using it why should soem one praise for that and for what?

I stopped receiving calls of his parents or his relatives thinking that if he is not talking to me why should i talk with any of his relatives.
i guess this is the best part.are we kids??? cmon if u and ur dh have aproblem why poor them?

When I heard this I felt so bad that I made him a call saying how dare you can say that
He is right.and u know that.u stayed with them before as ur dh was not in india what abt now?

you send all my furniture and gifts back since you wanted your car
i really feel its very childish


and coming to answers u wanted

15 days have passed to this incident but he is not responding in any way. Why?
u never bothered to respond to his parents and relatives wen they tried calling u and also u said primary reason being passport but u said ur relaxed without him and happy how can u expect
someone to call u wenu need?

2. Is he expecting that he is ladkewala so we should fall at his feet?
i guess they are quite ok and no problem from their end

3. How can that be possible that he is not at all responsilble for his daughter after coming back for more than a month?
rift is wat u created and he had to ask u to make him talk to DD now u messed up things so no wonder he bothered

4. Can I respect such a person my entire life?
i say yes for sure

5. What shall I do?
please stop childish behaviour and think maturely and please go ahead and aplogise and talk to him

6. Is this the definition of marriage?
no its not u should deal with it more maturely
7. Why should I waste my life because of him? I am not tensed or depressed but surprised.
no wonder u r not tensed like others because u were the reason

i am sory for being harsh here but i expressed my views
u culd wait for other ilites to post so u may get a better idea on how to deal

Hey Leenu,

My inlaws are villagers too. They only like to act modern to the outside world. But majority of time they spend sitting in their backwards village planning how to dominate me and ruin my life. Then when they see me they like to put those plans to action.
Naturally, when people try to dominate you, you don't want to hang around them. I understand how you feel!

Seems like your husband is as much of a gem as his parents. And I mean that sarcastically. Come on, what century is he in where he can beat you 'twice' or 'thrice.' Grrr.

However, your husband and his parents aren't here for me to critique, so best is for me to aim my suggestions at you. In my opinion, you made couple of errors from my view. First, if you know he is a village type and your are NOT, why did you marry him? Not a smart move to marry somebody you are not socially compatible with. Also, due to job or whatever, you have stayed seperate from him too long! Marriage is meant to be lived TOGETHER, not husband here wife there. And third mistake is, if you DONT WANT divorce, don't threaten it! It is a major blow to the relationship when one spouse starts talking divorce, and then also, if you don't go through with it, your spouse starts to think your talks are flimsy. He won't take you serious after that! So from now on, try to only say things you actually plan to do.

If you want to continue the marriage I advise you start living together and acting like a family. Meaning both of you act like husband and wife, and also work together to be PARENTS for your daughter. Being a parent is not just birthing a child. It is BEING there for them. If possible, your daughter should have both her mom and dad in her life.

If you are really interested in getting back together with him, ask him when he'd like to meet and talk. Waiting for him to ask you, it's just a waste of time. Ask him. And then take it from there.

As for spending money on his family, well, that's allllll on you. You should have put the money in your own savings account, or an account to be used only by you and your husband. About a year ago, my inlaws asked me and my dh to buy THEM a vaccation house. We were living in an apartment here in US, with next to no savings, yet they still had the greed to ask us for a luxury vaccation home in Pune. BUT me and dh were not fools to sign our lives away on a huge mortgage. We said no. YOU could have said no too, but you didn't. So the blame is partly on you! I know it hurts, but you've got to learn from your mistakes and move on. And if you plan on getting back together with your husband, you can't dwell on the lost money any longer. It will just pull your relationship down.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi Leenu,
Take a break, ,sit alone and think about your life? Don't jump into decisions... Atpresent you might be taken along with your mind....

I would say your first wrong move was staying back in India.. I agree you had your job here... As you have nagging in laws, you shouldn't have left your DH alone.. As humans tend to bend towards their LO's words..

Ok Past is Past..
Just ask yourself a question "Do you really love your DH at any cost?" If it is YES then get into action.. Don't bother about your inlaws. Thumhari life hai, You need to take it into your hand, Don't handover to someone else...

Your DD is the one who needs love & affection and need to grow in a family. Don't snatch her hapiness... Atleast for her sake take a chance.. Let you be the one to take the first step, No need to think about ego....

So Leenu, Try to sort out things.. .Concentrate on your life.. And have a nice time with your family..

By a chance a feminist reads my post for sure I'll recieve a blast... But its life which can be lived for once... No mistakes are forgiven..
Cheers
.

Hi Leenu, it seems that you should have a face to face talk alone with your DH , It appears that you are in a good job with your parents taking good care of your DD and you are enjoying life and do not want to be hassled with a DH, in-laws etc.
If you want to continue like this , then do it properly. No need to be surprised if your DH is uncooperative ,so are you.
It will be good for your kid to have loving parents like you do , since she is small she cannot say it.
You can lay down certain conditions like no DV , a certain sum for your own account etc.
Not getting a passport renewed sounds lame .
Please do not sound hurt and shocked if your DH is taking his familys advice, so are you. After a few years what the situation will be in your parental home is anybodys guess.
Ladkewala etc is between parents , you , DH and child are a different unit . Its your marriage and your kids future , there is no need to fight with your DH on behalf of your parents and be used as pawns to settle scores.
Divorce uttered in anger by either of the spouses is unforgivable, and it takes a long time for the wounds to heal.
What do you want now ? A separation or living together with you having the upper hand since you dont need DH for anything and have your family support today ??

Leenu

Our IL friends already had said some of the points I wanted to say.

Some how you got into this whole loop of its all about you ....

Every marriage goes through its ups and downs during initial years so putting that aside, your husband (for what so ever reasons) had been living separate from his parents. so that shows he wanted a familyof his own.

Unless he forces or nags you as to why you dont talk to his parents or siblings ..it shoudlnt matter or bother you what or how much time he spends talking over phone with his parents. Finally as a son he is delivery that responsibility.

If he was village kind, he would never agree to you working, and he would have never approved you of having a full time maid at home...he seems understanding..(we all know men who just want their wives to cook and clean and do household chores no matter how much ever the wife is tired..so compared to this..what do you think about the facilities and options you were given??)

If your inlaws had not praised the gifts your parents had given..you are not hte first girl in this whole world you face it...every married woman has such problems..why are you making a mountain of a mole hill????did your inlaws bad mouth your parents anytime? shout at you / yelling at you/ torturing /taunting you with words??? then why you keep getting them in between

Now coming to finances, all you said is about you..you and you..your husband said our money, joint finances...so if you need some personal money you can as well say you need pocket money monthly and take it..why crib over it??? or did you ask him about it anytime (we have cases where men wont talk about what they do with their money, but want their wifes money to be accounted for every penny she spends..so does your case is better or worst? you be the judge now...)

Inspite of just a short term assigment of 3 months, your husband wanted you and the daughter to be with him..again it shows his commitment..when he wanted yout ocome to US why didnt you go???first you gave a reason about passport not coming..after that what?? did you just wait or stop trying? i dont think getting a passport is such a big messy thing now a days...so if you were totally failing at every attempt to get a passport why didnt you keepyourhusband informed about it?? if he knows he wouldnt misunderstand you or judge you or fight iwth you right???above all why didnt you keep the communication open b/w your daughter and your husband? what is the intention behind just keeping all the communication channels closed...

I had this thought in the back of my mind..when I read your story first time..Is it that after going through physical abuse (the first when you had come to US), after you had gone back to India, were you kind of feeling pressurized and upset in the relationship? were you feeling your husband was not emotionally attached to you or that he wont care for you...so you wanted to stay back to create a feeling of distance so that he understands what he will miss if he doesnt care for your or the kid? or is it that you felt living with parents, working would just make your life happy than being with your husband??Why did you wait till your anniversary to make a call to the husband???...dont you see how EGO clashes had spoiled the whole relationshipand atleast you both were not in talking terms.

After all this when your uncle suggested both families sit and talk why didnt you let that happen and you keep asking for you and your husband..ok finally its b/w you and your husband , but when you had cut off all the channels of communication and now you want to open those channels?? is this all kind of one way traffic where you will decide when to talk and whom to talk to?? doesnt he have any kind of feelings or EGO???

When your husband called and asked for the car where were you? why were you not in your own house ? why were you at your parents house? after knowing your husband was coming back why didnt you go back to your house when you were sooo interested to talk him? what is it about your EGO that keeps knocking you down to kill your own marriage? at the expense of giving your kid a broken family with no fault of the father????

After all this, when he doesnt respond to your fanciful one on one discussion , you throw the word divorce..is it some kind of threat you wanted to give him??? now who is in soup??? did you think he would come and fall on your feet begging for you to come back??? who was expecting all the falling on feet and begging from other party now? you or your husband/his family???

Now he is not responding because he wants to see might to what extent you will go to...what crappy situations you have created and what all mess he has to deal with ?

You are talking about his responsibilities towards his daughter. First of all you have to answer that question yourself. Depriving a kid of her fathers love is such a bad thing...you will have the kid with you..but once they grow up and know the truth..they sure will resent you..dont think you will use the kid to blackmail or make your husband dance to your tunes...

Dont test the waters , unless you are really a PRO in swimming. You did test the waters, so now you got to learn swimming.

Except for your husbands physically abusive behaviour (in US) that was in the past, I dont see any other time he misbehaving.(Talk to him about this DV and lay down the rules on it before it becomes a bigger problem in future. Did he hit you after you were back from US living together? before he going back on that short assignment??)

As per you I dont know what RESPECT means...I respect your husband only for one reason..no matter how short the time of stay in US..he wanted you and the kid with him, he knew you couldnt handle chores by yourself, he let you have a FT maid, inspite of you cutting off all the channels he still kept his patience..thats it. if he wanted to take action, he would have done that long time back but seems like he too is giving you enough chances and you are kind of hopping on and off over the wall.

I understand you wont be tensed / worried / depressed, reason being as now things are kind of positive, you have a job, parents taking care of you and the kid, siblings who support you..but as time passes, everyone grows old, everyone has their own priorities and then what???? how would you manage alone with your kid???So do you call this being MARRIAGE??? where the wife runs to parents with the kid cuts off communications b/w husband and daughter for her EGO reasons???

I would suggest...let your uncle mediate, let both side parents sit, let them talk you hear what they have to say..now dont be judgemental or dont try to say ..oh they would start talking all nonsense etc, unless they use abusive words, ek don baath kahaa sunee hongayee thon bhee it shoudlnt affect..for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of giving your kid both the parents. Be patient, give beneift of doubt to other party and APOLOGIZE to your husband for what so ever running you had done all this while.

If you had already made up your mind about separating, make that clear...give your reasons..and let the child have both the parents and share the custody of the child .Dont keep hogging around with something in mind and doing something else.Dont make a mess of the separation and depart amicably.

Remember , you are thinking about how to respect him...he might be thinking after all this how can he trust you or atleast think of living with you..(as no idea when you would plan your ways all by yourself)

Thank you to all for replying and making things clear to me, My sincere request to all of you to kindly continue replying and devoting your precious time till my problem is solved.

I have learnt certain things in life after my experiences and reading all your posts:

1. Learn to say no if you dont want to spend money on inlaws or others.........but you know I have said no earlier too then what my DH does he will give his money to them and spend mine on normal house hold chores.
2. I said I wanted a DV from my heart. Trust me it was not to threaten them. I was fed up with their behaviour. But what pulls me back is my daughter. I want that she should get loving parents as I have. But I assure I wont speak this word again.
3. Attending guests and long talks on phone are minute things now. I have learnt to handle them with time.
4. Passport is not the issue now since I have received the reissued one.
5. I dont want to go to US for sure but if I say this to my husband fight will again begin.

Please help

Hi Leenu,

First of all its very strange when your DH says he is very busy and cannot make it, when u say you want to talk about a delicate and important matter which involves the lives of ur DH , DD and yourself"

And I cannot understand when your DH was making all the arrangements for you and your daugther to visit him in US, you should be actually longing to meet him after a long time but you were actually enjoying your stay in your parents house and not even missing him, and totaly avoiding to meet him, Do u really love him?

U say it is difficult to travel to your inlaws place, but u can also keep in touch with them by phone this will not even take 5 mins, after all you are their DIL.

Lastly it is u who spoke about divorce, and also regreted later, if you really want to compromise and live together again, then u should also come forward and take the neccessary steps.