Strange situation........i m struck..........Plz help

Originally Posted by Anchored

IMHO, we should let her talk and understand her and not lambast her for "not doing" this and that and "feeling" this and that! I just felt like saying this to you as I feel that this is a forum where one would come to expect empathy, sometimes even sympathy and I feel that's no crime, we all need it from time to time. And as much as we are all concerned about the OP's well-being and eager to see them implementing the "right" actions; sometimes we could help them a lot better by just adopting the role of mere listeners. Most OPs come here as they do not have listeners who would hear them complain and vent. I know that I wish I had more listeners around me :)

Totally agreed!! nothing wrong in penning down what OP is thinking.

If you had read my previous replies, I do agree with her decisions and also empathazie with her. but at the same time, sometimes we have to talk about some reality check here. She knows what she wants. which is good. at the same time she is wondering about someone else what they are thinking/ why they are calling. so here comes the reality check. If we know what we want, we wont care what others may/may not think about us.

Also to add, the title says pls help. she is stuck. sometimes it really helps to reiterate what she is thinking.

By the way if she just keeps writing and we sympathizing/empathizing may help sometimes but when we can really tell her what we felt about her decisions, or how a third party is thinking about her decisions would really make her be more clear on what was the real problem she has, might be she can dig more into what was that thing that really bothred her to an extent that she had to take this decision.

In no way I meant to be harsh or not empathizing with Leenu . Hope she too understands it. sometimes we have to know and see the consequences of our decisions even before we take those decisions. (it would be tough to read those by OP, and also tough for us to suggest/tell those consequences...but finally, if at all we could save atleast some heartburn here that was my total intention.) no hard feelings.

Leenu
Do let me know what you think! We are here just having an healthy discussion...so no hard feelings

Anchored, what you have said in your last post above is true. In general, we should definitely sympathise with people and let them vent their feelings in these forums. I appreciate you for taking up the role of a good listener here.

But, your statements do not entirely apply to this thread, dear Anchored. Leenu is not here to get sympathy from us, but is looking for a solution. See her own words below.

Originally Posted by leenu

• Sandu I am not here to get symathy but for a solution, the solution that you are giving me is not acceptable to me.

I completely agree with what Srividhya has said in this regard. It is difficult to be silent when we feel OP is doing something where we know we could advise her to do better. But, it is finally OP's life and OP's decision. Just because one feels strongly that OP should do something, I do not think she would do it, unless she is convinced. At least, Leenu would not do something unless she is herself convinced of it.

Leenu, you have got 2 different solutions from ILites here - go back on your own, or stay separate and wait for your husband's call. The only other apparent solution is filing a divorce, which not many sensible people would advise for what seems to be primarily ego issues. If you think there is some important information that you have not discussed in this thread for privacy reasons, I think the best solution would be to consult a professional counsellor. I hope he/she would give you a satisfactory solution.

Good luck!
Regards,
Sandhya

PS: I had referred to Anchored's previous post and mentioned "Flowerlady" by mistake. Now, I have corrected it. Sorry Anchored & Flowerlady for the mixup.

Srividya, agree with everything. No hard feelings ofcourse. My only concern was that some posts came off to me with a little "I know better" tone! Sorry if I misunederstood them but just wanted to bring it to notice that this was a possible undertone that could be understood as harsh! IT's great that you cleared it to Leenu...

Hi Friends,

Sorry for not replying since days..The news is this that I am back home with my dh..and everything happened through his cousin, I told you the one whose father inlaw expired and whose daughter is going to get married soon. Thanks for your support.

I know though I am back but still am not very sure what will happen in the future..Maybe he will tell me to go to US with him but I am really not interested..Already been to that place earlier, I somehow dont want to leave india..I want a stable life..

What should be my next step? Shall I see his career or mine? Going to US means living my job which I dont want to do? Job had really helped me but I am not really sure about him..I just want to spend my life with him for my daughter else I have told you earlier too I dont have any special feeling for him.

Dear Leenu,
I am very glad to know that you have joined your husband at last. All is well that ends well. How is life so far?

When is he going to US? Does your company have any branch in US near where he will live? Or is it possible for your to find a job for yourself here (in US)? Quitting your job is a tough decision now... is your husband not frank with his plans for the coming months with you? If he tells you up front, you can make plans to take a long vacation (leave without pay), then come to US and find a job, and go back to India and resign your Indian job and then join here... the job market is not bright here however, but since you have experience, you can try. BTW, what is your area of work?

I dont know of any better idea. Good luck!
Sandhya

Glad to know that you are back with DH. Hope he is playing with DD and making up for the time lost.
Cross the bridge when you come to it , why spoil today for what may or not happen in future? He may go to US etc or stay back.If you go there you can look for a job as DD is big enough.This time everything will be different , you have changed and your DH too so it will be a new equation.
The good part is that both of have agreed to be together as a family for DD and for each other. Both have compromised on the issues. He will not repeat his mistakes as there is kid in the picture.
One thing I can say that over the period of time spent apart he too must have introspected on the incidents. Give each other a chance , your DD deserves it. Think how happy she will feel going to school functions , shopping etc with both mom and dad.
Put your egos, relatives aside and be a unit , let no one try to come and spoil it. Many relatives take vicious pleasure in trying to poison the minds of the couple and rejoice when their plans succeed .

Hey Leenu...
glad to know that you are back with your DH...
Take each step at a time.. both of you are wounded souls at the moment so before triggering off any accusation pl. stop and think...Also since you are back with him it clearly shows that somewhere deep inside you yet have feelings for eachother... re-knidle those feelings...and all will work out... enjoy these moments for now....
all the best
K

Originally Posted by leenu

Hi Friends,

What should be my next step? Shall I see his career or mine? Going to US means living my job which I dont want to do? Job had really helped me but I am not really sure about him..I just want to spend my life with him for my daughter else I have told you earlier too I dont have any special feeling for him.

Leenu

Thats good news...so how is it going ? back with your husband and how is your daughter doing? your husbands approach towards you / your daughter how is it???

You can get a job, no matter whether you are in India/ US, ofcourse in US might be you need to give more time dueto the present market.

However ask yourself these qeustions...What is important to you? prioritize? your marriage/job? living with your husband and giving this marriage another chance means..taking that leap of faith and moving forward...giving and doing your best. When you want to give one more chance, you have to be totally normal and dont go with a preset mind. Give your husband sometime. Might be try to have some short conversations about what are each others expectations, future plans, how do you both want to see each other down the line??? what does he think about future settlement? please dont make it like a fight or laying down rules from one side...think of it like exchanging each others views...just make it short and spontaneous...appreciate him for the good he has done ...am sure there would be atleast some good points in your husband...also let him know about your fear of his abusive behaviour.

with all the gap and distance that was there since past few months...both of you might be carrying lots of emotional load and upset feelings, feelings of being rejected/abandoned, uncertainity of the next steps etc..so let him know..what you are willing to do FOR HIM!! like you would support his career, provided he understands your importance in his life and would keep his parents out of your marriage and stop nagging you /pushing you to make your parents go n fall on your inlaws feet. just put it in simple words. Give him/the marriage a chance. Its all worth. Am sure you would be very happy down the line, that you gave this chance.

If you ask me, I would say go to US , if he is going back again, that way atleast again you both would live a bit distant from your inlaws/parents. Make it like a fresh start. Take one step at a time. Dont jump into conclusions/arguments. Hear his point out and whatever you want to say make your point firmly and leave it there..observe and take decision.

No, I dont want to go..again all that control will start...I am happy here..I dont knw how life has become..dont even know what will happen tomorrow?

Hi Leenu, right now your DH is not going to US , you are having your job and are back with your DH , so why are you going into the future?
Enjoy today ,nobody knows what will happen the next moment ! Sometimes things happen so fast and the entire scenario changes . Your DH knows that he cannot repeat his previous mistakes and you will not accept it. One cannot expect romance and roses after so much bitterness ,it will take time.
I hope DD is having fun , take her for an outing , the weather is good. At least she will be happy !!