do housewives deserve any less respect or love

tiyamommy · Jul 8, 2009

Hi ladies..

This is more a generic question, i have seen attitudes of people changing as soon as they come to know the person whom they are talking to is a working woman or if they had believed she is working and turns out to be a home maker. When people do that, i make it a point to tell them , guys wait, i was working for so n so years.. n that's were they'll stop nonsense..

I have seen this rooting at homes.. Since i was working for 6+ years now, and past 6 months i havent been working, i find my husband making fun of me.. Making jokes about my dependant status.. Sometimes i feel he uses this word "house wife" as a swear... As it is i find it difficult to use his money for my personal needs.. When he comments , i feel miserable and curb my desires.

He defends saying , all that is a joke and im not being sporty .. I seriously cannot enjoy those comments.. I have seen husbands respectign thier home maker wives respecting so much so as to seek their approval ,advice even for smallest things..

I am not understanding whether i am being over-sensitive about this or he is actually being unreasonable to me..

I had come on H1 to the US but made no efforts to look for a job because i would dread to leave my daughter ina day-care or so. Fianlly had to give up my H1 and change it to H4..

He kept saying all time , that i am spoiling my own career etc etc even though when i said , im happy about it and i am happy doing all household n baby care which i havent done before.

Now he wants me to behave as the perfect hoem maker. Doesnt want to give me the grace period of graduating to a home maker. He gets irritated for small things , like if he doesnt like the menu on the lunch/dinner, or my daughter scribbles on the carpet or walls, or she spills juice on the floor .. He keeps saying "what were u doing".. She does it within a spark or sometimes when we arent around or aware. He feels im responsible. I argue, u cant keep a 24/7 watch on a toddler, she is going to experiment as she grows and there will be some unclean and untidy house days as she grows. I do make all the efforts to stop her messing stuff..

My friends do compliment on my culinary skills.. One of my college friend lives in the same city and she was surprised how well i can cook now , as she is aware i wasnt good at that earlier.

He doesnt want to help me a bit with the excuse that now since u r a full time home maker , u dont need help.. On top i never get any kind of appreciation for the so many things i do well rather he is prompt in pointing out the -ves very quickly.

When i confront him , he'll say , u are getting bored , may be u need a break , so u can visit india for some time. But i know that's not the solution , it's just avoiding the problem rather than fixing it.

Do you go through this and how do you handle this, because i am loosing my nerves on this daily nagging by my DH?

To add, he works at least 3 days from home , so i feel as if somebody is watching me all time. And when i say, it's better you work from office so we both get personal space , he argues, ladies crib about their husbands not spending much time at home and u crib that i am at home.

cheers
tiyamommy

Priya16 · Jul 8, 2009

Now he wants me to behave as the perfect hoem maker. Doesnt want to give me the grace period of graduating to a home maker. He gets irritated for small things , like if he doesnt like the menu on the lunch/dinner, or my daughter scribbles on the carpet or walls, or she spills juice on the floor .. He keeps saying "what were u doing".. She does it within a spark or sometimes when we arent around or aware. He feels im responsible. I argue, u cant keep a 24/7 watch on a toddler, she is going to experiment as she grows and there will be some unclean and untidy house days as she grows. I do make all the efforts to stop her messing stuff..
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This was exact problem in my house too and I experienced before the kids itself,so I never dare to stop my job after the kids.When I was not working,my DH expected whole lot from me and I am very hapy for having the job now.
Now he helps me lot in the house but with lot of complaints.Again with 2 kids he wants me to keep the house very clean all the time.Week ends this is the big issue between us.
If any other's IL's give any ideas,I will keep my ears open.

But my only suggestion your problem is once the kid turn 11/2 years+,please try to look for a job.You can't cahnge them and they don't see our problems and how much will be at home with the small kids.
So better work and demand to help you.He might be missing your pay check too.

neha1 · Jul 9, 2009

i think the answer is house wives deserve the same respect as a working wife
irrespective,of whe wife working or not working the husband should seek her advice,suggestions etc

it is completely unfair if the husband makes fun of this.
he needs to know that it his for his own and kids' sake tht the wife has given up the career. tell him this and make him realise this
if you are working then you have your own money,that's all. apart from tht,husband's opinion on wife etc should never change

scorpiogal · Jul 9, 2009

HI Tiyamommy and Neha1

First of hats off to you both for giving up your career for the sake of the kids and please be proud of your self and don't get frustrated if your DH or kids take you for granted .I know it is paniful when your DH comments about it and even my DH use to complain so much when I was out of work and I ask for even bare essentila things he would immediately point out that I am a liability and he doesn't get anything in return though he saud that he doesn't mean anything and he said it only for Fun i use to feel terrible :hide: and he knows that well and despite me telling he would always tell its only for fun take be sportive and he use to say this infront of others too.

One fine day I was so irritated and I told him that you know being a houswife or working wife doesnot matter and I am not a bonded laborer to you and its ur duty as husband that you take care of me and my children very well whether i choose to work or not to work and I gave him the taste of his own medicine and put the final word heyits only for fun and then later everytime I clean the house or do a nice recipe and pat myself in front of DH and tell him what a homemake I am .slowly he realised and stopped commenting sometimes you need to be demanding so please don't let them de motivate you and don't feel that you are burden .

krithigat · Jul 9, 2009

Re: do housewives deserve any less respect or love
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Hi tiyamommy,
Definitely not.
I am a homemaker too, I have two kids. I used to work before my first delivery. Now I am full time mom, wife. I take care of the household, all bill paying, rent paying, groceries etc.
When he returns I will tell him, what I did that day (like taking my son to library, buying veg, going to the park , cooking, cleaning the house etc)

When I tell my husband I want to work, as of now, because our kids are small, he tells me to stay home and raise the kids and enjoy the time with kids, I don't need any pressure from work. I do like that. He had never commented like I am not working.

I have seen this rooting at homes.. Since i was working for 6+ years now, and past 6 months i havent been working, i find my husband making fun of me.. Making jokes about my dependant status.. Sometimes i feel he uses this word "house wife" as a swear... As it is i find it difficult to use his money for my personal needs.. When he comments , i feel miserable and curb my desires.

don't feel that way, he is your DH, your family

He defends saying , all that is a joke and im not being sporty .. I seriously cannot enjoy those comments.. I have seen husbands respectign thier home maker wives respecting so much so as to seek their approval ,advice even for smallest things..

I am not understanding whether i am being over-sensitive about this or he is actually being unreasonable to me..

May be he thinks you are getting mad, when he talks about it, doing it for the same . If your husband really means just kidding, you also reply in the same tone and change the topic or just don't show any reaction.
If you want to work, without leaving your daughter try some work from home category

Now he wants me to behave as the perfect hoem maker. Doesnt want to give me the grace period of graduating to a home maker. He gets irritated for small things , like if he doesnt like the menu on the lunch/dinner, or my daughter scribbles on the carpet or walls, or she spills juice on the floor .. He keeps saying "what were u doing".. She does it within a spark or sometimes when we arent around or aware. He feels im responsible. I argue, u cant keep a 24/7 watch on a toddler, she is going to experiment as she grows and there will be some unclean and untidy house days as she grows. I do make all the efforts to stop her messing stuff..

My house is messy "some times" don't bother about it. With little kids you can't avoid it. Try to get washable markers, crayons for your daughter, so you can clean it sooner or later.For the toys, with my son I have found a new technic give one or two sets of toys, if he asks for more, he has to clean up the toys he played already,(I give him a big cardboard box) then he gets the toy he asks.

My friends do compliment on my culinary skills.. One of my college friend lives in the same city and she was surprised how well i can cook now , as she is aware i wasnt good at that earlier.

The best way to enter a man's heart is thru his stomach. You know his favorite dish, do them when he is home. Ask him how is it when serving.
We are married for 7 years now, I ask my DH each day how is the food, even if he comments on it. Initially I felt bad when my DH says the food is not good, although he was correct. Now I accept it , try to do better next time. Now days he adjusts very well.

He doesnt want to help me a bit with the excuse that now since u r a full time home maker , u dont need help.. On top i never get any kind of appreciation for the so many things i do well rather he is prompt in pointing out the -ves very quickly.

Most of the men are like that. My DH does very little help around the house, when he is home and I am cooking , if my little one cries, he will take care of her. (he doesn't know any cooking, helps in that area when I am sick). very rarely helps me to vaccum the house. If I ask him in commanding tone nothing will happen, he has told me that, if you command I will never do that. So I ask really nice with a please, pretty please etc etc

To add, he works at least 3 days from home , so i feel as if somebody is watching me all time. And when i say, it's better you work from office so we both get personal space , he argues, ladies crib about their husbands not spending much time at home and u crib that i am at home.

When my DH works from home, my son will bother him a lot, so now a days he avoids to do that.As you have been working, you can cook before nine or ten in the morning, then spend time with you DH and your LO or play with your LO

hope this helps

tiyamommy · Jul 9, 2009

Thank u Priya16, neha1, scorpiogal and kirthigat.
It's comforting atleast to know somebody understands.

Kirthi, u dont have the pressure that u need to work. In my case it's too much. He feels a waste of time when i spend time learning new dishes( some wud be which he luvs to eat). He feels a waste of time if i am browsing the net ( which i do for 15 to 30 mins on and off 3-4 times in a day) or i talk to a friend( 1 hrs , 2ice a week) on phone , india phones ( 15 to 30 mins alternate days).. These are the only 2 ways of my entertainment. I dont have the habit of watching tv. It bugs if somebody is after you , treating you like a school kid.

All he wanted me to do is , study and keep myself updated with technology so i'll be ready once market improves.

But once i clearly told him , i will look out for a job if i want. So he need not bother about my technology updates.
Now he has stopped saying things about it directly.

But if your DH doesnt mind some mess or is willing to lend a hand , that's fine..

Scribblign on the wall were just example, once she does , we make sure next time she doesnt get access to those things.. She has scribbled only 2ice in 6 months, it's not an everyday act.

To state another example.. There was a ball pen on the computer table , now my daughter can climb chairs and tables easily, she took it and squeezed it onto the carpet when he was workign on his comp, he dint notice it while she was doing, i was busy cooking in the kitchen. But he blamed and yelled at me , that because he is damn sure he hadnt placed the pen on the comp table , it must be me , and so i am responsible. I dont even use pens, we are not sure who had placed the pen on the table. Either it has to be both responsiblity or let it go , kids keep tryign out new things.. We can only try keeping things unreachable to them, but not all can be saved from their hands..

She follows me to the bathroom and now drawers are reachable. No matter how much i have insisted on having child locks on the drawers, he feels it silly to have child locks in bathroom. She picked my compact powder box while i brushed and later broke it. I hadn't noticed it when she had sneaked out that, now he started yelling "how did she get it, now u cant buy another one untill u finish up the broken one".. i was like, what am i being punished here like a school kid..

I wouldnt mind if he discusses politely, we need to take care of this , but blaming me for every naughty act's of my baby is just nagging..

We are potty trainign my daughter, sometimes accidents happen, he cant tolerate it, he'll give her a pat on her legs and shout at her when she pees on the carpet. I ask him not to do it, he asks me not interfere, i have decided now to continue her into diapers again for few more months to stay calm on this front.

Finally for whatever mess my daughter does, it's mostly me who cleans , i dont ask him to do it.

He wants a spic n span house as if there is no child around..
These kind of incidents keep happening day-in day-out . i am left bruised.

Neways, i myself am thinking of ways of handlin this. will keep posted

cheers
tiyamommy

SriVidya75 · Jul 9, 2009

Tiya Dear

Seems like there are lot of us sailing in the same boat....I remember when I was not working and at home, my husband also used to say somethings..for him they are just some kind of steam off words or just the spur of the moment things he has said..but I felt very bad and hurt...he used to say , you sit at home through out the day, what do you so much that you get tired....during some arguments he was saying its all his money / his parents money that i am eating ...what not nonsense....one time it was heights when he said...if you are cooking, and serving food for your husband, do you think you are doing a big favour for him or is it the only thing that a wife can do (I never understood that statement till date...)because what else can a house wife do??? except cook , clean and keep everything ready for their working husbands...and serve them as and when they need..sometimes even without asking..however slowly i started ignoring all this....might be these are just part and parcel of every marriage...

fun part is...whatever you have listed in your post..the exact same things i have observed in my friends house too , went to visit them over weekend and was there overnight and guess what, her husband keeps controlling her....she is a housewife however whenever the husband works from home or when he is at home he is tooo controlling...ex..he tells my friend how much milk she is supposed to feed her 4 yr old kid, how much food rice or anything to feed, how to feed, what to feed, when to feed, how to give him a bath, how to make him go to sleep...god it ws so disgusting to see him controlling her so much...sometimes i felt like asking him right on his face...how come she manages everything when he is gone to work...or when he is not around...but had to keep quiet just for my friends sake...she is getting irritated these days and is answering him back and there starts the argument and he yells at her and makes her shutup..he tells her she has temper problems thats why the kid is not listening to her etc..etc..the story there is the kid is using his fathers presence and using it against his mom..if the mom says something , he will get what he want by going to the father as the mom wont allow it...

so might be sometime ignoring and slowly discussing it might help....there are no hard fast rules is what i learnt....my friend is a very sober girl..so she just keeps quiet most of the time as she knows her husbands controlling behaviour...

neha1 · Jul 9, 2009

hello Tiyamommy,priya16,scorpiogirl,kirtigat,srividya

I am really surprised at the replies to see that husbands treat home makers badly and feel she is not bringing home any money.
that's completely unfair,isn't it?
i left my high-paying job in a good MNC in banglore and came to US to join my husband after 2 months of our marriage. initially i used to feel bad at the financial dependence like asking DH money for even a small thing like a hair pin for me. i used to think how he would react etc.
luckily for me,my DH never commented on financials .the reason may be because he knows very well i left my job to join him only and both of us were working in same office before he came to US. so he knows also how serious i was about my career. even my husband keeps telling me to update my skills so that once market is up,i can apply for h1b or if we go back to india i can start to work there etc.
but,in my case..DH used to control my dressing style etc a lot. he used to keep telling dont wear this,wear this etcetc. one fine day i got pissed with him and blasted him left and right for this saying how he can control me this way. after that he saw my point.anyway i used to dress decently only. and now he keeps quiet and gives me all the freedom in everything.
infact he gives me his credit card once a week to do any kind of shopping like grocery,clothes etc :cheers.... and i am happy that way.
the reason why i posted this reply is i wanted to know why should we take crap from our DH. can't we just retort back rudely saying watever we feel? will that help?
how can a home maker be treated any less?. i just thought i should tell all this. i myself am no expert in handling Dh and i do post some of my issues too in IL ocassionally:bowdown .! sorry,if this post does not make sense in this thread....may be the moderators could just delete it from here... but my 2 cents!!!
-Neha S

tiyamommy · Jul 9, 2009

Same here neha...

In my case too my Dh and me have been colleagues throughout and probably that could have been the problem creator too .

He has been controlling finances, how i spend right from our marriage.
But i cannot comment how he spends or sometimes i wouldn't even know where the common money is going .
Yep, this has been causing rift between us and we always fight over this topic.
2 years ago when i got pregnant, i realized what is the point in slogging when you don't even have a right on spending or say in decisions made, slowly that motivated me to quit job.
Finally his decision to move to US was also not consulted with me, he just came off without making arrangements for me while i was on a maternity leave, taking my parents and me for granted.

He did control on my dressing there , but here it's got worst. He now wants me to wear a bindi on my forehead when i wear jeans which i never did in India.
I really fail to understand, when i never control his dressing ways, shopping ways, job , why does he try to be my master.

He too forgets things like , y'day he took our daughter swimming, left her floating toy and wet towel in the living room, i silently took it n placed them at the right place. I dont nag , how cud u leave it there. I do many such things silently. I would hate cribbing unless it is an emotional issue.

But he has this habit of , how did u leave ur sandals at the door,u dint place them in the closet, n he;ll make sure i do it with his nagging.Or howcome u left the bathroom lights on , go n switch it off.. If i wud be in his place , i wud switch it off myself when i wud see the lights on without complaining to him.

He behaves as if only he is worried about the savings, wastages and cleanliness. He is only one who loves home and i am just holidaying and i have no feelings for my own home n family.

I know many times my MIL has told him infront of me that he needs to learn to control me else i'll take disadvantage. So she could have been poisoning him against me since we stayed separate for a year before i came here.

Yep, yesterday i clearly told him , if he wants the house sparkling and served with food of his choice, he will have to atleast put the dishes in the dishwasher everyday and filter water into jars. He did it today. Im rejoicing in my mind. And also am not being the jovial kind , being humorous . trying to put up a serious face and talkign only required.

Hope he'll get my message..

cheers
tiyamommy

Priya16 · Jul 9, 2009

He too forgets things like , y'day he took our daughter swimming, left her floating toy and wet towel in the living room, i silently took it n placed them at the right place. I dont nag , how cud u leave it there. I do many such things silently. I would hate cribbing unless it is an emotional issue.

But he has this habit of , how did u leave ur sandals at the door,u dint place them in the closet, n he;ll make sure i do it with his nagging.Or howcome u left the bathroom lights on , go n switch it off.. If i wud be in his place , i wud switch it off myself when i wud see the lights on without complaining to him.
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Same thing goes in my house too.I beleive in person freedom but my DH is opposite.He has been getting better from early days to now.But still he has lot of that habit.I can't put any kind of faces for him because he will make situation worest.I need to only handle him with good talk.