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whoo would tie the bell?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by seeker, Apr 2, 2009.

  1. seeker

    seeker New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    My husband is known for his temper.Even his sisters , just after marriage called me aside and told that i would have a tough time. His office feedback tells about how temperamental he is. His mom also tells about how he screams at her.

    Its almost impossible to talk to him well over two sentences without him being offended .His relatives , friends and colleagues back off without indicating his need to change. They approach him when in need , sweet talk get the benefits and push off.

    His dad also was a verbal abuser ( as told by his mom ). His uncles also had huge rages and so DH thinks that all families are like that.
    Now I am afraid that my son is also going thru this same impression of how a father should be. I find that I myself have become more harsh nowadays.

    His mom does not want to get into his bad books and hence moves the responsibility of bringing him to the light to others like dad/aunt/uncle. They did refer him to a reiki practitioner who provided help and later demanded gifts from abroad!!!!!!!!!

    I do not want this to continue . If I tell him gently then he either says
    1. I can't help it ....i have been like this for so many years
    2. you are just too sensitive .... no one can tell anything harsh to you.
    3. Yes yes yes I am at fault ....you people do not want me to stay peacefully at home. I am the cause for everything ..... I will just not come home. Sometimes he just bangs the door and walks out of the house.

    I believe that he is a loving dad ,takes good care of the family ........its just that he is not able to come to terms with his problem and confront it.

    please help
     
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  2. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear seeker,
    Now that you are a mother, you would know how to treat a kid that makes a fuss, dont you? Imagine your husband as another kid and give him the same treatment. Ignore him when he raises his voice. Just come away. Let him shout for a few minutes. Then, go to him and ask him what the problem is. Still shouting? Tell him it is bad for his health. Take him to the sofa and tell him, "Let's talk this over. if you stop shouting, we can solve it better."

    You haven't mentioned about your attitude in this... It is good to remain calm when your husband is in a bad mood... If you talk back, it's not going to improve things. You must be patient and act maturely. Be calm and try to tell him that you are assisting him in overcoming his temper. He must co-operate. Only if he agrees to that, will you succeed.

    Sometimes, office tension contributes to bad temper. Ty to know the reason. You can also try a counselor if all your attempts fail.

    Good luck!
    Sandhya
     
  3. CarpeDiem

    CarpeDiem Senior IL'ite

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    Dear seeker,

    I can understand your frustration. It is not easy living with such a person. I have realized that a person can change only if he/she WANTS to. Only when they are open and reasonable can they admit that they need to modify their behavior and get some help. In the meanwhile, all we can do is change our reaction to their unreasonable temper and possibly get them closer to the realization that they need to change.

    As Sandhya suggested, treat him like a kid - ignore his temper tantrums. Let him realize by your indifferent attitude and calm demeanor that he is acting in a very immature manner.You need to have a strong resolve and adopt a don't care attitude when he is unreasonable and yelling. Carry on with your work as you would. Play with your son, continue doing regular activities with a cheerful disposition. Let him realize that his behavior is not affecting you and that he is only draining himself out physically and mentally by his outbursts. Slowly he may reduce his outbursts and hopefully agree to get some help in dealing with his temper. I sincerely hope things get better....

    Good Luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2009
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Seeker,

    It surely is not pleasant being around people who are always on the edge and are looking for a reason to feel offended. So you are right in trying to change your husband's habit about getting easily outraged.

    But you need to work on two people - yourself and him. Yourself first because you have control over only your own self. So like Sandu and CarpeDiem have correctly suggested, change your reaction towards your husband's troubling behavior. If he gets offended by a harmless thing you said, just leave the place and let him be. Don't defend yourself neither listent to his diatribe. Let him cool down on his own. No sorry's, no feeling bad. Just stay normal and go about your chores happily. Ignore his bad mood. If he comes later to discuss about it just be objective and say the point you were trying to make earlier. The more you lecture him or try to coach him, the more he is going to try and refrain from changing.

    May be his Dad's behavior during his childhood has left some bitter memories and scars in his mind. Sometimes when people are angry and upset it is not always because they want to be meant o others. Sometimes it is their own frustration about certain things that they are venting out. So let them be.

    To work on changing him, the most effective way would be to be a living example of what change you want to see in him. So rather than telling how he should behave, you yourself behave the right way all the time.

    You have said that you too are becoming harsh under his influence. So you know that people can be led by the examples they see in front of them. So how about you turn the tables and let him follow your lead? For that you have to resolve that you will not become like him because you know that it is not right. Instead every time he blows up you stay calm and let him wonder later how you can be so clam and composed in even the extreme situations. Your composure is sure to rub-off on him sooner than later.

    He probably already knows very well that his family, you and others do not like this quality of his that's why any time you mention it to him he threatens you with leaving the home, not coming back etc. He is frustrated with it too it is just that he does not seem to know how to handle it. So help him by leading and showing him the way by our own behavior. It seems from your post that except for this particular sore point you are happy with him otherwise. So try to help him overcome this one negative trait or at least alleviate it to reasonable levels.

    Good luck.

    Luv,
    SS
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2009
  5. CarpeDiem

    CarpeDiem Senior IL'ite

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    SS - Hats off to you again for an extremely well written, excellent reply! I loved the idea of being a living example of the change we wish to see in others. Profound thought and excellent suggestion! Hope 'seeker' is able to bring about the positive change...
     
  6. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    My 2 cents, meditation helps a lot. Tell him you want to learn meditation and tag him along, It will be helpful for both. :)
    Art of living course - Meditation - is very good.
    I used to get angry very very fast before, after doing Art of Living course, now i am far better..:thumbsup
     
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks CarpeDiem! So good to see you after such a long time!

    Archana2008, I cannot support your enough about the advice on meditation. It sure does WONDERS. I have personally benefitted a lot from keeping up my pranayam and meditation practices. It has tremendous health benefits - both mental and physical.

    Seeker, do try to enroll in a class. Of course, don't tell your husband that it is meant to be a "correction mechanism" for him! :) He will surely not agree then! And you too take one as soon as you can.

    Luv,
    SS
     
  8. seeker

    seeker New IL'ite

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    dear sandu, carpediem and soaring spirit,

    I did not mention my reaction to his rages. I remain calm.
    His reaction to my calm composure............his rage escalates...... i remember once long ago that he was raging for a full half a day and finally I retorted.
    His reaction when I retort..........he says " you shout ...i have no respect " and then an exit from the house with a door slam.


    Yes there are a lot of tension in his office .......and he mentions it too ....but i feel that sometimes it is okay to vent it out but everytime its not right to take it as a recourse.

    My suggestions have been to
    1. take some people management course to alleviate his office situation ( he does have some hiccups in PR - pls refer to my other thread )
    2. As you remove the shoes outside the house remove the office tension also and leave it right there.
    3. try pursuing some hobby

    Its never taken seriously and the oft repeated statement is its inherited , been like this for long.

    dear archana ,
    He has undergone classes in meditation its just that he does not practice it anymore and gives excuses like he does not have the time for it now.
     
  9. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Seeker,

    It seems like you have tried quite a few things to help your husband out and none of them have worked so far. Tough situation indeed.

    One thing is certain Seeker, you will have to develop resistance and immunity towards this habit of his. I know it is much easier said than done but why should you allow your good habit to turn bad like him. So make sure you do whatever you need to do preserve your calm and cool nature. If it gets too much for you just calmly leave the house, go for a walk/drive and come back. It is hard to be in a negative environment and not get affected by it. But you have to do it Seeker. It is not a question of doing it for weeks or months, but you’d have to make this a part of your personality. May be one day he will get inspired looking at you.

    Are there any positive influences in his life? Meaning, are there things that he enjoys doing or people that he likes and is influenced by? Then maybe you could use these people as a medium to show him and help him to work on this habit of his. He is taking the easy way out by saying that there is nothing he can do to eradicate this habit. If you know what his hobbies or likes at one point in time were, then try to introduce them back in your family. You try to make those happen in the house so he feels like doing those once again. This may provide a relief to his frustrated and angry mind.

    Really, for any person to change their habits THEY have to take charge of bringing about the change. You can only help them and be a facilitator. Beyond that you can only pray and hope that they realize and bring about the necessary changes.

    But do keep trying different ways to help him out. I would think seeing a counselor would help too in helping him cope and overcome this habit.

    But whatever you do make sure that you don’t change yourself to become like him. At least protect yourself from the damage it may do to your positive persona.

    Good luck.

    Luv,
    SS
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2009
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Seeker,

    You have already tried quite a bit. His family, relatives and colleagues agree he has a problem. Now, there is kid also involved. Get professional help. If he won't come, you go. And, while trying all other things, also try to convince him to get professional help. Keep this seeking professional help bit between you both and don't tell any one about it including parents/siblings, or he will never ever agree to come due to male ego.

    If his family and sisters knew this problem, I wish they had tried to get it fixed rather than just let him go ahead with marriage. I wish you had known about this before marriage, so you would know what you are getting in for, rather than learn afterwards and deal with it. Anyway, what is done is done. I wish you the best and lots of patience.

    Rihana
     

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