my DHs very good lady friend????

hi friends,
you may feel silly but its like life and death for me...want to die..im saturated...dont want this life...please advise.
from where should i start im confused......im not able to decide what to do...so
im putting my life infront of u and i need suggetions on this.
ours is totally arranged marriage..we got marriedin march i wanted to plan for kids after 1or 2 years
but my husband dont want to plan anythng...he listend to his mom,2sis,and babi.so i gt concieved in june....
and after tht some other family issues(ours is a big joint family-10 members) i was in my parents place only...
i had aproblem in carrying kid....so i was bed rested for whole nine months...daily my DH used to come and talk to me.
i had ababy boy and everythng is fine.....i had a feeling of misssing my husband for whole 1yr of married life.....
so i went to my inlaws place all by myself..even on my mom saying no.so with 3mnths kid i had to do all household work.
with out any rest .after tht my husband not giving much importance to me..he went to pune on job..but i was with my
inlaws only.he ddnt took me there even for a visit also.after that he came back within 3-4 mnths.again he is working my city only.
then also he use to office parties all alone.he never took me out of family nor introduced to any of his friends.i thought he is thinking of family.
then i had a big fight with him regarding family issues iwanted to separete from family..my health gone very bad.tht ihad to intake 2bottles of blood.....
i was in my parents place for 3 mnths.as i lost patience to bare all insults and distance from my DH.then he said he is gng to separate out of
the family only if i come and join him...i thought it is a good idea.thn i went and joind him..but within 1mnth i got conceived again........................
this time..doctor was not sure of my strenghth in carrying ababy...???????i thought of dropping it on doctors advise..but he dont...
so i gave birth to baby girl..the whole nine mnths i was in parents place with me and my son again....nobody in my inlaws bothers of my health...
all are enjoying in my inlaws place....then after baby he got a H1 visa to USA.i thought now i can spend alittle with him...and went to inlaws place
all by myself again.this time even before baby also he use to come now and then and rushing out for friends and all......
oneday when he is in bath his cell is ringing and i answerd......it was lady ....................i thought collegue or somethig.he never told me anythng abt her i have a very bad habbit of
checkingSMS in cell phones.(i do it with my brothers toooo)so i checked his SMS for the first time in my DH cell phone....
all adult jokes,SMSs sent by the same ladyi got shocked????????????????
then i asked my DH abt this.he said it is common in SW proffesion.???????so i was very broadminded and left it.........but everytime she calls
he use to go terrace and talk....when i heard thiere conversation........he is convincing her about somthing all the time.so i got irretated and asked
if she is so nice lady why dont u introduce her to me??there is no answer...so he left to USA.but suddenly my MIL passed away after 6 mnths..so
he cameback again....by the time me and 2kids are ready with visas and all packed luggage,actually we were about to join him after 1mnth.
but he only came back..........in this sad situation i thought of not to disturb him....not talking much to him.....................but the so called goodfriend is
keep on calling him and talking happily abt all topics for hrs...............thn i said why you are keeping contacts with her only?
there are somany other friends in office and outside......why only that lady?we had a fight.........thn after 1mnth he was back to job...i was in india..
thn i tried to talk to her but she was not responding on phone...every time i try to call her...she is not answering and upon it within 1hr my DH use
to call me back from USA saying not to disturb her????so it is continuing till today...........
recently he gifted her a brand new laptop and still in contact with her...........................what should i do.......??????????????????????

Hmm, Indeed a dubious situation to be in.

Firstly you should join your husband in US asap. And dont argue anythign about this lady to him. You first need to get the facts straight before accusing him of anything. Is there anyway you can confide in his close friend and ask about his freindship with this gal.

This gal has to be from his old office or current office. Once you know the real status, plan your next move. If I were you I would find the lady's address and visit her with my parents and kids. And give her piece of my mind and also tell her that I wouldnt think twice before I drag this lady to court to spoil my marital peace.

If she is indeed into your husband, she will have enough shame to think again. If there s no way for you to know their real take on friendship, then wait and see while you stay with husband.
If your husband doesnot come in open about this, Give him ultimatum.

ria

Archana,Some loose ends.After you conceived for the first time why did you go back to your parents immediately. You have hardly had a chance to be with your husband. Also I dont understand why you planned for kids so soon even with hubby agreeing. Atleast I wouldnt.
As soon as possible come to US. You and your kids have visas. Do not listen to any excuse your husband gives. I dont understand why you had to spend extended periods of time with your parents. I understand after your first kid you were weak. But why during early pregnancy of first kid.
I feel you hardly had any time to spend time with your husband without being pregnant or kids.
As far as the other lady you will only know once you be with your husband. Do not listen to any excuses your husband gives regarding her or your visit to US. Good luck.

hi archu,
went thru ur post.. really felt bad. But u should never give up life so easily archu.
Never ever think of death and all.. There is absolutely no fault on your side, why should u end ur life? Instead you have to get back to ur life, killing all other interrupts. You have two beautiful kids... they are god's gift to you. So dont worry, God will not let you go down. As ria has said, try to join ur husband at the earliest, and try to analyse about the lady during ur stay with him... and then take further step to end the issue. All you need now is courage. I can understand how much you have wanted to be with ur dh. Make him understand your love. You have a long way to go. I will always pray for you from this moment.
Take care,

cheers,
suvidhya

Hi Archana,

Ria, Chocolate and Suvidhya have given apt advice. I have nothing different to add.

All I want to tell you is that you MUST be strong at this time. Don't have a defeatist attitude. Don't think of harming yourself or giving up. Not at all!

I totally agree with Ria that you must try to get the facts from a friend of his or a co-worker. Don't feel shy or ashamed to approach people. If you say it is a matter of life and death for you then it must show in your actions. While you are still in India there is lots you can do (as suggested by Ria).

And absolutely no harm in confronting that lady. You have nothing to lose. Be brave and exercise your right as a wife. You have the right to question and fight any outsider that is threatening your marital life. So after you have gathered enough information, visit this lady and like Ria has said give her a good piece of your mind. When this lady is shameless enough to befriend your husband knowing that she is hurting you, why should you have any shame or fear in straightening things? Not at all.

A few bold moves from your side will definitely jolt the lady and your husband out of this comfortable relationship. They need this. You have already tried talking, crying, questioning etc. None of this has worked so far. So pick up your ammunition and get ready to put up a brave fight. Leave no stone unturned.

All the best to you. You will surely emerge successful at the end of it all.

SS

Archana,

Everything seems to have happened so fast in your life. Before you guys got to know each other, you had 2 kids already.
Anyways..

I agree that yours husbands action are weird. Why, these are the questions that comes to my mind

(1) Why does he not spend more time with a wife who's weak and carrying?
(2) He seems to think once you are pregnant, you are off to your moms place and away from his life for whole 9 months, why is that so?
(3) Its BS, him saying that in Software profession people send Adult jokes and its all normal. . Its morally wrong. Any person who thinks right will not do it. I can understand if guys do this shit talk in groups and sending SMS to each other.. but sending to a particular lady all the time, thats the big red flag right there.
(4) If hes so right and has nothing to hide, he should be OK to introduce you to her and have a social gathering. If he wants her to be in outside your loop not as friend or colleague, thats another big red flag.
(5) If you have visa, why is he not calling you all already there?
(6) When you had called and she did not respond, him calling you back and asking u not to disturb her is pathetic. Why would you call her in the first place if shes not troubling your marital relationship.

So the first thing is TALK to your husband. CLEARLY and OPENLY.

Ask him what is he thinking. You are not some rubber stamp wife for namesake. Give HIM the peace of mind why is he not

(a) introducing you and your family to that lady friend of his, if he has nothing to hide.
(b) Why is she not picking up the phone if SHE has nothing to hide and not wrecking your life
(c) Why is he not open enough to accept that hes married and has 2 kids. (d) Why is he not committed to this relationship? What is stopping him?
(e) What is his future goal in life, to hurt you and let you alone and wander off like this? if so for how long? Coz, clearly you are not ready to be taken for granted anymore. Give him an ultimatum.
(f) Tell him you are ready to take any action possible for the emotional abuse caused by him and the lady. Tell him having such illicit affairs (even if there is no sex and just flirt) is not right and you will make sure you get the right judgment for these people [ But the reality is you need proof, else there is no legal standing. I am just mentioning this to intimidate your husband if possible.]

I would differ from others advise here. Dont go and talk to that lady.... YET.

You will be vulnerable if you do so. She will feel having control of your husband, since you had come to talk to her, rather than your husband.
At anytime she can embarrass you saying, why barking at the wrong person, when you cannot control your husband? and shes right. You are not related to her. Its your husband that needs to get your heat first.

So never do that, before talking to your husband.

And please don't sit and whine your life. Get up and get your life back before its too late. Be Strong. Think what you want in this relationship. Are you ready to face the battle to the end. Then jump into action.

Dear Archu,

Read your post... Its high time to act not to think about this..
1. As one of friend adviced you have that lady's phone number isnt it with that try to get the address visit her home with your brothers or parents just formally as you visit your friend for first time. Do not fight or talk harshly. Smoothly say that i have a family with 2 kids etc...
2. Its better Without solving this issue here in India dont go to USA. Since here your parents are there to help u out..
3. Better most answer is speak directly to ur husband directly regarding this he is afterall your husband kids of two.. write a direct email abt this tell him you r not happy with this...whats going between u people r in good relation let me also be friend with her... add that if u r not ansewering i shd goto my parents or sumthign (if needed).

I believe he shd answer it ...do not spk to him properly til he reply properly... See archu iam not giving you bad advice but its ur life..already 2 years wasted being at parents hosue...now if u leave when u will live the life.. I am saying it might be a best friends but that shd not eat ur happiness do not take it harsh way.. Its your life.. Live that...

hi ria,choclate,nanda,suvidya,soaring spirit,
thank you all for quick reply..
right now im with my husband in usa only....from 1.5 yr..........i tried all those suggetions also.i tried to show how much i care for him and all.but still he is not revealing anything abt her.if i raise the topic also he is trying to escape all the times......and even after all these now a days it has become horrible for me to bear...creating anew mail ids and talking whn out of home,on the top of it when he is in the house he talks as if im torturing him............i cant even talk with any of his friends also. he will take me to groceries only tht tooo once in amonth and nowhere else..........imsaturated with him........................................

You are in USA Alreadyyy

I need to re-think now

be back later

Hello Archu,

I would blame you for one thing dear.. why did u be away from your husband for such a long time? It is my opinion that before settling into a family with kids, you both should have known each other better. Every husband should be their wife's best friend and vice versa. Only when we understand this we would be able to raise our kids to our dreams and they too would have a healthy childhood. well this is my opinion. Anyways gone are bygones. lets leave it..

like nandhu rightly said, sharing cheap rated jokes are not common in S/W field. Having been in this field for quiet sometime now, trust me none of my decent male colleagues do this.

A healthy relationship will not need "hiding from" in my view. So if your hubby not willing to introduce her, it is not normal either.

But dont panic!!! everything can be handled if be done in the right way!! Even if ur husband is guilty please dont think about death lady!!! u have 2 beautiful kids and they need attending to. Emotional mindset can only slow u down from living ur life to the fullest.

1. First ask urself if ur hubby truely loves you and your children? If your inner mind says he does then dont worry, he wont leave you.
2. Do you know any of his other best friends?? anybody who he shares his evreything. If so, talk to them and see if u can find out anythign about his lady!! or atleast they could talk to him and see if he tells them anything. At time, friends are the best counselers. u could atleast mail them if he doesnt allow u to talk.
3. Do you know preciesly from when this lady has come into his life? Find out if he ever had any affair before ur marriage.
4. Nandu is right.. dont confront her and send that woman a wrong signal that u r weak! it is like telling her that she is more close to ur hubby than u. keep that as ur final resort.
5. My sincere advice would be that u dont involve ur family in personal affairs as this unless u r 100% sure. What if ur hubby was just flirting with that gal and apologises to you tomorrow. You might want to forgive him but other family members wouldnt. It would give them a topic for unnecesary gossips or they may even look down upon ur family.
6. How did you come to know that he gifted her a laptop?? did he tell you?? if he did then, he could tell you more if spoken to bit more tactfully!!

Finally, you need to know that u r his wife and not her. You are with him now. Today or tommorrow there are good possibilities that he might change. Is it possible that you guys attend a family counseler?

Dont worry dear!! everything will be fine.

Keep us posted if u find out anything. Good luck!!

Regards,
Tan