How do you keep the love/respect/trust alive ?

Hi ,

After getting married we all go through our share of problems....I have been through mine .....and I guess most of you as well.....so my question is ....How do you keep the love/respect/trust alive after all the fights you have had and all the differences you have ?
I have read a post where ppl after > 6 years falling out of love .....but I guess in the 1st year it shd happen the most ......coz thts when u really start knowing a person.

RT

Originally Posted by indusladiesuser

Hi ,

After getting married we all go through our share of problems....I have been through mine .....and I guess most of you as well.....so my question is ....How do you keep the love/respect/trust alive after all the fights you have had and all the differences you have ?
I have read a post where ppl after > 6 years falling out of love .....but I guess in the 1st year it shd happen the most ......coz thts when u really start knowing a person.

RT

Hello ILuser,

Welcome to the world of married women.Everyone has their set of probs sooner or later.In your case, you have experienced it in the first year itself.Instead of fighting over the issue, take it in a positive note that bad time has ended and only good things are awaiting to happen in future for you.

Since you know your husband and his people very well now, you can plan your life as per your new-family. Try to avoid the arguments which you feel will lead to constant quarrels b/w you and your hubby.Consider this as a blessing that you two can sit and discuss what/where things are going wrong and amend ASAP. This is not possible in a joint family where the couple live a suffocated life not having time to share with each other.You have to like the person alongwith weak points now which needs a stronger mind.As an adult you cannot say you want only the good n rosy aspects.

"Marriage is two people trying to be one.....but which one???".Try to get the answer for this and you will get the answer for your question.

All the best,
vani.

Hello, IndusLadiesUser

You raise a very valid issue. I think the perfect marriage is a myth. There's no way two people can commit to spending the rest of their lives together and not ever quarrel. We all have our disagreements at some time with our parents, siblings, friends, and relatives - it stands to reason that we would also disagree with the person we spend the most time with, our spouse.

So, in my opinion, it is not arguing or disagreeing that's the problem, but HOW we argue. The most important thing is to argue the point, and not the person. This means refraining from saying things that are hurtful to the other person (just for the sake of being hurtful), and from dredging up past hurts or other issues. We should always argue with the intention of making things right for both people involved, not winning the argument.

In the heat of the moment, when tempers flare, it is hard to automatically remember these points and argue honourably. This means we have to consciously keep ourselves in check when disagreeing with a spouse. If necessary, ask if you can walk away and come back to talk later when you're calmer. In this way, you can avoid a screaming match that turns both people into irrational lunatics.

It is of utmost importance, however, to keep the lines of communication open. To me, the more destructive acts one can commit in a marriage (as opposed to arguing, which allows people to express themselves) are sulking, ignoring the other person for days or weeks to make them pay, and committing small, immature acts against the person (like not preparing meals as per the routine, or complaining to someone else about your spouse instead of talking to him about it).

These are the little things that erode love and respect. Arguing, in itself, is just a sign that something is not right and you want to work on fixing it. As long as this is your intention, it cannot harm the marriage. The saddest thing is two people who don't even talk to each other anymore - the couple at a restaurant who eat their entire meal in silence, or parents who only talk to their children and barely say a word to each other apart from discussing logistical, household-related matters.

If there are arguments, at least you are sure the other person cares enough to expend time and energy in seeking a dialogue. Like Vani says, it's all about working out a plan and sticking to it. This may be only accomplished outside of the argument itself (that is, when you're both calm one day, try to set ground rules for acceptable behaviour and communication when an argument does erupt). Most importantly, try to leave your ego out of it - it bears repeating; who's right is of no consequence. What's important is not to lost sight of the welfare of both people, and the marriage as a whole.

The first year or marriage can be trying, as you learn how to relate to each other. Don't lose heart, but also remember that relationships need work. As much as it helps us psychologically to pray or wish or hope, it's going to take actual effort and elbow grease (chiefly in the form of communication) to achieve a loving, respectful union. These things don't happen by accident. I wish you the best for you and your spouse.

Ansuya

Hi Ansuya,

Wonderful post.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by Ansuya

Hello, IndusLadiesUser

You raise a very valid issue. I think the perfect marriage is a myth. There's no way two people can commit to spending the rest of their lives together and not ever quarrel. We all have our disagreements at some time with our parents, siblings, friends, and relatives - it stands to reason that we would also disagree with the person we spend the most time with, our spouse.

So, in my opinion, it is not arguing or disagreeing that's the problem, but HOW we argue. The most important thing is to argue the point, and not the person. This means refraining from saying things that are hurtful to the other person (just for the sake of being hurtful), and from dredging up past hurts or other issues. We should always argue with the intention of making things right for both people involved, not winning the argument.

In the heat of the moment, when tempers flare, it is hard to automatically remember these points and argue honourably. This means we have to consciously keep ourselves in check when disagreeing with a spouse. If necessary, ask if you can walk away and come back to talk later when you're calmer. In this way, you can avoid a screaming match that turns both people into irrational lunatics.

It is of utmost importance, however, to keep the lines of communication open. To me, the more destructive acts one can commit in a marriage (as opposed to arguing, which allows people to express themselves) are sulking, ignoring the other person for days or weeks to make them pay, and committing small, immature acts against the person (like not preparing meals as per the routine, or complaining to someone else about your spouse instead of talking to him about it).

These are the little things that erode love and respect. Arguing, in itself, is just a sign that something is not right and you want to work on fixing it. As long as this is your intention, it cannot harm the marriage. The saddest thing is two people who don't even talk to each other anymore - the couple at a restaurant who eat their entire meal in silence, or parents who only talk to their children and barely say a word to each other apart from discussing logistical, household-related matters.

If there are arguments, at last you are sure the other person cares enough to expend time and energy in seeking a dialogue. Like Vani says, it's all about working out a plan and sticking to it. This may be only accomplished outside of the argument itself (that is, when you're both calm one day, try to set ground rules for acceptable behaviour and communication when an argument does erupt). Most importantly, try to leave your ego out of it - it bears repeating; who's right is of no consequence. What's important is not to lost sight of the welfare of both people, and the marriage as a whole.

The first year or marriage can be trying, as you learn how to relate to each other. Don't lose heart, but also remember that relationships need work. As much as it helps us psychologically to pray or wish or hope, it's going to take actual effort and elbow grease (chiefly in the form of communication) to achieve a loving, respectful union. These things don't happen by accident. I wish you the best for you and your spouse.

Ansuya

very beautifully written and well expressed, Ansuya! Latha

Vani, loved your line "Marriage is two people trying to be one.....but which one???". It sure set me thinking too.

Ansuya, wonderfully articulated points. I totally agree with all your points. It indeed is tough to be rational and calm and composed when one is upset. So walking away gracefully and without showing disrespect to the other person surley is the BEST way. Ego is another disease that we are all faced to fight with. We have to conquer over this one for us to remain healthy.

ILuser, in addition to the wonderful suggestions given by my friends here, I would like to suggest that you define what love, respect, trust, faith etc. mean to YOU. It is very very important.

Even though there is a standard definition for all of these words, we all have our own way of interpreting them and applying them to our own life and relationships. We all have different levels of tolerance, we think differently and hence we end up having our own variation of the standard definitions of these important words. So it is important that we clearly know and remember what is it that we define as love or what is the definition of trust or respect or faith for you.

When you are happy and calm and normal, write down each of these important words in your life and against each one of them write down what they mean to you. What is it that you expect when you say you love someone and what is it that you expect from them when they say they love you? Write this for all of the important words. This helps TREMENDOUSLY when you are feeling upset with a person or when you are feeling low about what is happening in your life. It lets you attach the right measure or metrics to your situation rather than conveniently "assuming" that the situation is bad or that the person did wrong by you.

Sometimes we "think" we are unhappy when we actually are not. Or we "think" that we are upset with someone when we actually are not or when we actually should not be. Or we "think" that we are in a terrible situation when in fact it is not so bad at all. Because in the heat of the moment we bring in a totally different factor as a measure of our happiness and attach our happiness to it. When we do not find that factor, we immediately become unhappy or upset. When you cool down you realize that that particular factor was never important to you in the first place then why did you bring that factor in and unnecessarily cause yourself and the other person so much grief.

We cannot remember these factors by which we measure love or by which we measure trust etc. when we are sad or when our mind is filled with doubts. So we must write them down and have them handy to refer to whenever we see ourselves slipping into negativity.

I know this sounds very theoretical. But believe me, it works wonders in keeping a check on yourself, it helps a lot in stopping you from throwing a temper tantrum, prevents you from experiencing sudden and prolonged bouts of depression and most importantly, it makes you more easy going and a person who is in control of their emotions. All of these factors provide you with a very strong foundation to build a loving and trusting relationship with not just your spouse but with anyone you come across.

So dear ILuser, shed all your negative thoughts of the past and start afresh. Start this thinking process of writing your definition for each of the words and use these definitions as a bible for building a loving relationship with your spouse.

Good luck.
SS

IL User thanks alot for raising this topic...very important one indeed

Ansuya & SS...very very glad and learning experience to read both of your replies....Yes i do agree that sometimes when we are angry..we say things that we dont mean....and those things create havoc in lives....Thank you i learnt few things from your response here....

Kavya and Latha, I'm glad you enjoyed my post. SoaringSpirit, it's good to know someone out there agrees with me. Saahithya, it is very gracious of you to say you learnt a few things from my response - especially because I've only been married for four years now and I'm still working on being a good wife!

I think a very important aspect of making progress in a relationship is the ability to forgive your spouse, and yourself. Bearing grudges tends to poison a relationship slowly over time. This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself when you have been wronged, but rather that it's better to work something through with your spouse, come to an agreement, and then stick to it. If you keep remembering and re-hashing who said what, that means you haven't really resolved the issue.

I have learnt a lot from my husband in this respect! He and I are polar opposites in many regards, but this means we have a lot to learn from each other. You may become very angry occasionally with your spouse, but it's important to see that isolated incident for what it is, instead of automatically concluding that there are huge problems with your spouse and your marriage.

Having said that, I would encourage people who do think they have serious problems to seek outside help. Marriage counselling can be very helpful, although I sense there is some stigma attached to this in the Indian community. Added to this, an American counsellor may not have a full understanding of the culture-specific issues that face Indians living in America. I had a friend who sought counselling to deal with an interfering mother-in-law, but the counsellor was completely baffled as to what she was talking about! This is not always the case, however, and a professional may be able to help you and your spouse work through an issue when your own efforts reach stalemate (definitely no pun intended!).

Above all, respect the sanctity of your marriage by keeping private details private. Unless you are having such serious problems (e.g. spousal abuse, serial infidelity) that you need rescuing from your marriage by your family and friends, try to talk to your husband about what it is that's bothering you rather than complaining to outsiders. As I pointed out above, going to a professional is acceptable, but what I'm warning against here is baring your heart and soul to friends or relatives. Long after your problems have been resolved, these people will still have this potentially harmful knowledge about your private life. And, you may forgive your husband for whatever it is he's done, but that friend of yours may always look at him as a villain!

I wish all the ILites out there a day filled with meaningful glances, dishwashers emptied without asking, children taken to the park so you can enjoy an hour of peace by yourself, couch time with your husband and/or your favourite TV show, and no arguments!

Ansuya

woww...Ansuya....indded you are a very good wife with such a good understanding..

Yeah I learnt from my past experiences and mistakes and also from my husband the way he handles things...hoping to put more in action of what I learnt from here....

Excellent post Ansuya. Keep it coming.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by Ansuya

Kavya and Latha, I'm glad you enjoyed my post. SoaringSpirit, it's good to know someone out there agrees with me. Saahithya, it is very gracious of you to say you learnt a few things from my response - especially because I've only been married for four years now and I'm still working on being a good wife!

I think a very important aspect of making progress in a relationship is the ability to forgive your spouse, and yourself. Bearing grudges tends to poison a relationship slowly over time. This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself when you have been wronged, but rather that it's better to work something through with your spouse, come to an agreement, and then stick to it. If you keep remembering and re-hashing who said what, that means you haven't really resolved the issue.

I have learnt a lot from my husband in this respect! He and I are polar opposites in many regards, but this means we have a lot to learn from each other. You may become very angry occasionally with your spouse, but it's important to see that isolated incident for what it is, instead of automatically concluding that there are huge problems with your spouse and your marriage.

Having said that, I would encourage people who do think they have serious problems to seek outside help. Marriage counselling can be very helpful, although I sense there is some stigma attached to this in the Indian community. Added to this, an American counsellor may not have a full understanding of the culture-specific issues that face Indians living in America. I had a friend who sought counselling to deal with an interfering mother-in-law, but the counsellor was completely baffled as to what she was talking about! This is not always the case, however, and a professional may be able to help you and your spouse work through an issue when your own efforts reach stalemate (definitely no pun intended!).

Above all, respect the sanctity of your marriage by keeping private details private. Unless you are having such serious problems (e.g. spousal abuse, serial infidelity) that you need rescuing from your marriage by your family and friends, try to talk to your husband about what it is that's bothering you rather than complaining to outsiders. As I pointed out above, going to a professional is acceptable, but what I'm warning against here is baring your heart and soul to friends or relatives. Long after your problems have been resolved, these people will still have this potentially harmful knowledge about your private life. And, you may forgive your husband for whatever it is he's done, but that friend of yours may always look at him as a villain!

I wish all the ILites out there a day filled with meaningful glances, dishwashers emptied without asking, children taken to the park so you can enjoy an hour of peace by yourself, couch time with your husband and/or your favourite TV show, and no arguments!

Ansuya