How do you keep the love/respect/trust alive ?

Dear Ansuya,
I will just say one thing...God Bless you! I have no more words...

Sincerely,

Thank you, RadhaMohan, for the very kind words. Kavya and Saahithya, before I become a sanctimonious know-it-all due to all your positive feedback, let me put it on record that almost everything I've discussed here, I've learnt the hard way - through experience! I'm a very vocal, argumentative person by nature, and my husband is rather quiet and thoughtful in contrast (he has to ponder things before he'll commit them to words).

This means that I always have to make an extra effort to be respectful of him and his feelings. I always try to see things from both sides, and that's what usually saves me from being unfair to him when we disagree. This means that without really saying much, he has made me into a better person than I was before I married him. I'm sure we all don't know the real meaning of the word "patience" until we get married, but I feel I've really made progress on this front in the last few years.

Also, we come from very different backgrounds in almost every way, so being with him has really improved all my interpersonal relationships vastly. I'm more open-minded now than I was before I met him. I can't say I've perfected the art of listening yet, nor do I always stick to all the advice I'm doling out here. But I am trying, and that's the best we can all hope for.

I really do appreciate all the wonderful words of encouragement, ladies - and my husband sends his thanks too, because now he says he doesn't have to be the only one who has to listen to my endless theorising!

Ansuya

Hi Ansuya,

I really liked your post and I totally agree to all that you have written. I have now been married for 2 years, and the ride so far has been very turbulent. I would highly appreciate if you help me answer some of the issues that bother me..
What do you do when there is a difference in the maturity level between the two in the divine union of marriage ?? What do you do, when you are rational but your spouse is holding on to some obsolete marriage rules and values that he has seen his mother abiding by ?? What do you do when your spouse is brimmed with insecurities??? What do you do when every sensible talk that you initiate with your spouse, takes a nasty turn due to his ignorance or chauvinism??

Originally Posted by Ansuya

Hello, IndusLadiesUser

You raise a very valid issue. I think the perfect marriage is a myth. There's no way two people can commit to spending the rest of their lives together and not ever quarrel. We all have our disagreements at some time with our parents, siblings, friends, and relatives - it stands to reason that we would also disagree with the person we spend the most time with, our spouse.

So, in my opinion, it is not arguing or disagreeing that's the problem, but HOW we argue. The most important thing is to argue the point, and not the person. This means refraining from saying things that are hurtful to the other person (just for the sake of being hurtful), and from dredging up past hurts or other issues. We should always argue with the intention of making things right for both people involved, not winning the argument.

In the heat of the moment, when tempers flare, it is hard to automatically remember these points and argue honourably. This means we have to consciously keep ourselves in check when disagreeing with a spouse. If necessary, ask if you can walk away and come back to talk later when you're calmer. In this way, you can avoid a screaming match that turns both people into irrational lunatics.

It is of utmost importance, however, to keep the lines of communication open. To me, the more destructive acts one can commit in a marriage (as opposed to arguing, which allows people to express themselves) are sulking, ignoring the other person for days or weeks to make them pay, and committing small, immature acts against the person (like not preparing meals as per the routine, or complaining to someone else about your spouse instead of talking to him about it).

These are the little things that erode love and respect. Arguing, in itself, is just a sign that something is not right and you want to work on fixing it. As long as this is your intention, it cannot harm the marriage. The saddest thing is two people who don't even talk to each other anymore - the couple at a restaurant who eat their entire meal in silence, or parents who only talk to their children and barely say a word to each other apart from discussing logistical, household-related matters.

If there are arguments, at least you are sure the other person cares enough to expend time and energy in seeking a dialogue. Like Vani says, it's all about working out a plan and sticking to it. This may be only accomplished outside of the argument itself (that is, when you're both calm one day, try to set ground rules for acceptable behaviour and communication when an argument does erupt). Most importantly, try to leave your ego out of it - it bears repeating; who's right is of no consequence. What's important is not to lost sight of the welfare of both people, and the marriage as a whole.

The first year or marriage can be trying, as you learn how to relate to each other. Don't lose heart, but also remember that relationships need work. As much as it helps us psychologically to pray or wish or hope, it's going to take actual effort and elbow grease (chiefly in the form of communication) to achieve a loving, respectful union. These things don't happen by accident. I wish you the best for you and your spouse.

Ansuya

Hello, Munchkin

I'm sorry to hear that it is so hard for you to communicate with your husband about improving your relationship. I must tell you at the outset that I'm not trained in any kind of couples therapy, so whatever guidance I can give you comes only from my own experience of marriage. Also, I don't know you or your spouse, but I'll try to share some thoughts with you here in the hope that something may help.

You seem to have come to some very harsh conclusions about your husband's personality, temperament, and upbringing. You may be right in what you say, but I think it is very important in a marriage to respect your spouse even if he drives you crazy! Two people deciding to spend the rest of their lives together is an awesome challenge. There are bound to be things about each party that offends or annoys the other. That, in itself, is not the end of the world. But I would be careful about how I tackle those things.

What I mean by this is, it may not be entirely helpful to come right out and tell your husband what you think of him. You may not have done this yet, but from your post, you seem to think he is immature, irrational, old-fashioned, insecure, ignorant, and chauvinistic. While honesty is always desirable, it doesn't have to be this brutal! I'm not undermining your feelings, merely suggesting that perhaps because you have such strong negative feelings about your spouse, they may come through (in your body language, etc. even if you don't come directly out and say it) and this will ultimately harm your relationship.

You seem to have a lot of issues to sort out, and I would advise you to try to tackle them one at a time. Start with those things which are most important. Before you talk to your husband (about only ONE issue at a time), try to write your thoughts down and keep the notes with you so you don't go off track. This will help you to keep the conversation respectful and focussed. Always keep in mind what the problem is, how you think you can BOTH work together on solving it, what concrete actions (behaviours) you BOTH need to take to achieve a result, and above all, don't hurt your husband by making him feel that everything that is wrong is his fault.

If he is immature, you should try to help him to grow up a bit. You sound very self-assured and confident - he may be threatened by that. I'm not recommending that you play dumb or helpless, but that you talk him around without making him feel inadequate or stupid. No human being will respond kindly to that! Don't badmouth his mother, and don't try to manipulate your husband into changing by belittling or humiliating him.

It may help you to remember that you two are supposed to be a team. There's no winner or loser here - marriage yokes two people together so that they sink or swim, together. If there's a problem, you both suffer, no matter who's at fault. So, it's worth the effort to try and solve a problem together. Whatever hardships you are facing, I think that if you love and support each other, instead of lashing out at each other, both people will emerge stronger and more effective human beings.

Don't bring up an issue at a bad time (as soon as he comes home from work, when his favourite TV show is coming on, etc.). Plan it like a meeting - ask him politely if he has some time later for a discussion. Clear away all distractions so both parties can focus on the matter at hand. Don't fall into the trap of blaming him for your unhappiness or his shortcomings. He may be all that you say, but he is still your husband, and he deserves to be treated with love and respect even if he is driving you insane.

I've spoken quite generally here, because I'm basing my opinions on just a few short comments from you. If things really are quite serious, you may want to seek counselling from a professional therapist. There's no shame in this, and many marriages have become stronger and more successful as a result of getting outside help. This is especially common here in the US.

I wish you the best in your attempts to improve your marital life.

Ansuya

Munchkin... I just read your post in the other thread, and get the feeling you had an arranged marriage to a man you didn't really know and have had to move to the US and try to get to know him now, which is not working out very well for you. I'm not familiar with arranged marriages and how they work, so I'm not sure if all my advice is applicable to your situation. Hopefully, some of the other ILites out there who have better knowledge of this kind of union will be able to advise you in a more informed way.

Hi Ansuya,

You have wonderful thoughts and I 100% agree to all that you have written. I am in a very bad marriage, despite of everything that is being meted upon me, I still love my husband. I know he is not a bad soul but he actually is an outcome of what he has learnt all his life and his insecurities. I would like some sensible person intervening and thus advising both of us. But my husband would let this happen.

Now what worries me is, how long would I keep on subduing myself for sake of this marriage, rather than taking a tough stand and stop wasting my life for a man who at the end of the day just thinks of himself.

He has access to my mail boxes(i don't know how), he doesn't allow me to talk to anybody here, he doesn't allow me to go out on my own, he hardly gives me any money, he has not bought me even a single thing after marriage, I don't even have a cel phone, all I use is the home phone, all our marriage certificates and visa docs are at his friends place, I don't know where he works, he hardly answers my call when he is out, he lies to me for petty things. But he says he loves me, and I get befooled...........

I am a very composed person and I have tried talking to my husband umpteen number of times, but whenever there is a controversial issue, he closes his eyes and is off to sleep... If our families weren't involved I might have taken a U turn till now, but it is the Indian system that deters me. At times I think that probably I haven't given enough time to this marriage yet, but isn't 2 years enough a time ?????????????

Originally Posted by Ansuya

Munchkin... I just read your post in the other thread, and get the feeling you had an arranged marriage to a man you didn't really know and have had to move to the US and try to get to know him now, which is not working out very well for you. I'm not familiar with arranged marriages and how they work, so I'm not sure if all my advice is applicable to your situation. Hopefully, some of the other ILites out there who have better knowledge of this kind of union will be able to advise you in a more informed way.

Hello, Munchkin

I'm glad you agree with what I say, but again, I must tell you that I am in no position to give you advice because I don't know about or understand arranged marriages as they are not the norm (in fact, they are non-existent) where I come from.

I got to know my husband very well before we got married, and after we were married, there were no surprises because it was just a continuation of the good relationship we already had established. From what you have said, you and your husband didn't know each other at all before you were married, and you didn't even live with him immediately after marriage. This means that a lot of the advice I've given you won't apply because my opinions are based on two people who already have a loving, respectful relationship that arose from some common ground.

The first few years of a marriage usually cannot be matched for happiness and excitement, and it is from this base of good feeling that a loving union can be established and maintained. I worry that you have not had a chance to do this yet, and it seems to me that the pressures of living in the US (your paperwork, his insecurities, etc.) may stand in the way of you actually relaxing enough with each other to work on a friendship and relationship. In my experience, if two people can't even be friends, there's no way they can remain happily married to each other.

I find your observation that your husband is "not a bad soul but he actually is an outcome of what he has learnt all his life and his insecurities" a bit confusing. What he has learnt his whole life is essentially what will govern his behaviour for the rest of his life. I don't think you will be able to undo an entire lifetime of conditioning in a few years (or ever), nor is it your job to bring him up all over again. From your other posts, he seems quite controlling and distrustful of you. Is there any particular reason for this? I can't understand his behaviour based on what you have said in your posts.

I hope the other ILites who have responded to you can be of more help. I'm sorry that my advice isn't substantial enough for your situation.

Ansuya

Dear Ansuya,

Hats off to you. i am still single, very independant and vocalabout my thoughts, after reading your thoughts i feel i should calm down and your thoughts havereally helped and i am sure that when i get married i would beableto follow your guidelines, i am very glad thatijoined this site and allyou wonderful ladies are ready to help your sisters, once again ansuyathank you somuch, i feel i have spoken to my eldersister who is guiding me to be a better person.
love
alpa

Hello, Alpa

Thanks for the feedback, it's great to hear from like-minded people! I see from your profile that you're in Kenya - were you born there? I'm only asking because I'm South African (of Indian descent).

It's really funny to me what you wrote about being vocal and feeling like you need to calm down. I have exactly the same kind of personality. Every day, I have to remind myself to be more calm, more patient, and more considerate. I don't know how old you are, but I can tell you that I've found those sorts of things improve with age anyway.

At the same time, don't lose your independent streak and instinct to speak out. There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with being single until you feel the time is right to marry and/or you meet the right person. I got married quite late in life (by Indian standards, anyway) and I don't regret the time I spent as a single woman, enjoying myself and experiencing the world. After all, you're going to be married for the rest of your life. It's this single time now that's finite!

I'm glad you've found IndusLadies to be such a source of strength and support. It is a wonderful community, and I too am glad that I found it.

Ansuya

Hi all !

Very well explained, Ansuya! And SS!

A very important question raised by indusladiesuser with 3 essential qualities required for a successful marriage. Here are my thoughts on the issues.

I feel the one magic word here that encompasses everything is 'attitude'. If one has a positive attitude towards dealing with everyday situations, they have already come halfway.

I would like to start this discourse by bringing the image of Ardhanarisvara to explain the beauty of a happy co-existence in a man-woman/husband-wife relationship. That is indeed a beautiful love story! In order for marriage to be a success, there has to be a mutual understanding and commitment, from both husband and wife.

The 3 main ingredients that form the recipe for a happy married life
are, Love, Understanding, and definitely not the least, Trust.

If we look at love, which can happen in arranged and love marriages, it is a feeling that comes out of admiration and respect for the other person. Initially, certain positive qualities about the person makes us feel attracted to them. But later as we get to know them better, and we are exposed to their 'not so nice' qualities, one mustn't immediately switch over to pointing a finger and dwelling on these qualities. One must accept that no one is perfect, and realise that the other person would have found some irritating qualities about you as well. So it is of utmost importance to accept a person as they are, with their positive and negative qualities. That is what makes them an individual, and probably what you fell in love with them for in the first place. So one must try to not change their personalities and later feel they are 'out of love' with their spouse because they are not the same person you got married to. Well, if you hadn't tried to 'change' them by constant nagging, then you would still be married to the same person you fell in love with. So love is not only admiration but also acceptance. And definitely no putting your husband/wife down in front of family or friends. Just like you wouldn't want your husband to speak ill of you in front of others, so you shouldn't do the same. No insulting or showing lack of respect towards each other in front of anyone else, including children.

There should be unconditional love in a marriage, in my opinion. Stop expecting so much, all the time from your other half. Put aside your ego, they are your family after all with whom you are planning to share a lifetime with. Stop expecting the other to do this and do that saying that it is their job(unless you have specifically allotted certain chores, then you must honour your word). But a little gesture goes a long way. An example is waiting for hubby to put the garbage out. Instead of waiting for him to do it and getting bugged that it still hasn't been done inspite of you telling him a zillion times and he can't seem to peel himself from the TV or Computer screen, why not quietly do it? The work is done, and you don't stress yourself further, besides you get to lose some calories doing the job yourself! Which brings me to the next point of taking advantage of the other. Just because the other is nice and does help you out, doesn't mean that you immediately start expecting him/her to do everything. This is where women sometimes misuse their gender which doesn't make sense because on the one hand they want equality, while on the other they still want to be treated with special care because they are women.

Another point which I feel contributes to a lot of irritation and friction in marriages is our 'parental' expectation from the other due to possible upbringing. The woman (having been pampered by dear Daddy) expects a similar behaviour from her husband. While the man expects to be pampered by his wife the way his Mom looked after him.

Which is why I mentioned unconditional love as there are no expectations but mere acceptance of the other as your partner in life. Always try to remember the positive qualities in your spouse and count your blessings that you don't have an abusive partner.

Next, be understanding, or ateast give it a sincere try. If the husband/wife is in an irritated mood, don't immediately put on your hackles and fight back like cats. Put yourself in the other person's perspective and see their point of view. This is where communication is the key word. If something the other said has upset you, wait until you can speak calmly about it and let the other know that he/she has hurt you. Explain your side to them. Men and women do have very different thought processes and one must give room for having possibly misunderstood a look or word. Understanding the other comes out of respecting each others feelings. If the woman doesn't like her husband commenting on all the heroines, then he should take her feelings into consideration and not repeat it. If making a compliment once in a while can light up the other's face and induce a smile, then do it more often. Try and have at least one good laugh a day together. Appreciate the good qualities in the other more often. Make your partner feel that they are special. Show your love, or else what is the point in feeling it but keeping it within to go waste. Being expressive will help in bonding a couple further. And never resolve a misunderstanding on an empty stomach!

Understand your in-laws. Treat them the way you would like your spouse to treat your parents. Just like you value and cherish your parents realise that he will feel the same for his parents.

Trust is definitely not the least as it is the foundation of a marriage and has to be given utmost importance. Because you want this marriage to work, you will do everything to maintain that trust. If there is something you do that your partner doesn't like then you must respect his/her wishes and stop doing that.

My best wishes to all.