Lazy Husband

Hi ,
This is the first thread to this forum. I read all the post regularly. since I am very poor in writing I was a silent reader.I really enjoy this forum especially one related to family and relationship. I am very poor in dealing with people.

I used to work for a company for 1 year and now i delivered my baby boy and staying at home. Iam married for 4 years now. I moved to US right after marriage. My husband is very lazy in doing house hold chores he takes for ever to clean just 5 vessels. So Iam used to do all housework cooking, cleaning house ,doing laundry etc etc...
Now my baby boy is so hyper active and Iam overwhelmed by the house work. He is not willing to change any of his habit. He wakes up at 9 in the morning. goes to work at 11.30 coming back late at night and goes to sleep at 11.00. I end up with doing breakfast and lunch in the morning and taking care of baby. and in the evening same taking care of baby and fixing lunch. Iam so exhausted by this work. I tried to change his habit nothing seems to work out. Please help me to change his habits.

I'am not sure about changing his habits,but you can have a conversation with him and let him know you find it very hard to manage your kid and home without any help from his side.Both of you can work out a plan like hiring some outside help etc.,
Discuss with him and I hope you will work out some plan togeather.

I totally agree. You should talk to your husband. Explain what your views are and how you feel. You ahve to work it out together.

Good luck.

Hi Renu,

I feel sorry for you. I know how hard it is to manage household work and deal with a hyperactive baby boy. I don't have any suggestion on how to change your husband but I would suggest that you simplify your cooking as much as much as possible. Here are some of the things that I follow:

1) I finish off all the cooking before my husband leaves. My cooking is extremely simple. I usually make dhal and vegetables for my son and that is what both me and my husband also eat for lunch. I try to cook vegetables, dhal and rice together.
2) I keep a lot of frozen food like pizza etc handy.
3) I make a lot of idlli batter. I use ultra wet grinder and I find it extremely convenient.
4) Segregate your husband, baby's and your laundry. Ask your husband to at least do his own laundry.
5) Try to hire a cleaning lady.
6) I used to make my son sleep late and wake up late so that I can get done with all my work by the time my husband leaves for work. Since your husband wakes up late make your son's sleep schedule match your husband's schedule
7) See if you can find some desi ladies in your area who are willing to sell home cooked food.
Use the weekend to chop veggies.

I hope this helps.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by Renu1999

Hi ,
This is the first thread to this forum. I read all the post regularly. since I am very poor in writing I was a silent reader.I really enjoy this forum especially one related to family and relationship. I am very poor in dealing with people.

I used to work for a company for 1 year and now i delivered my baby boy and staying at home. Iam married for 4 years now. I moved to US right after marriage. My husband is very lazy in doing house hold chores he takes for ever to clean just 5 vessels. So Iam used to do all housework cooking, cleaning house ,doing laundry etc etc...
Now my baby boy is so hyper active and Iam overwhelmed by the house work. He is not willing to change any of his habit. He wakes up at 9 in the morning. goes to work at 11.30 coming back late at night and goes to sleep at 11.00. I end up with doing breakfast and lunch in the morning and taking care of baby. and in the evening same taking care of baby and fixing lunch. Iam so exhausted by this work. I tried to change his habit nothing seems to work out. Please help me to change his habits.

Hi Kavya,chandramuki and Newmommy,
thank you so much for your input. This transition is so hard to deal with. Will surely learn to prepare some simple food.

Originally Posted by Renu1999

Hi Kavya,chandramuki and Newmommy,
thank you so much for your input. This transition is so hard to deal with. Will surely learn to prepare some simple food.

Hi Renu,

I can understand how hard it is to deal with this transition. I also found it very hard. As the baby becomes more and more active it will become more and more difficult to manage household work. If you are cooking with your baby around always be very careful. They will try to grab things from the countertop and fiddle with the stove. Safety proof your kitchen as much as you can. Always try to use the back burners and not the front burners. I know my advice is not directly related with your question but just wanted to share it with you.

Sometimes husbands will shun baby and household work because we are too critical about the way they do things. Many wives expect their husbands to do things exactly the same way as they do it and then they complain that their hubby is not very helpful. Men hate to be told how to do something. So always try to appreciate and encourage whatever little he does. Keep appreciating him. That might encourage him to take more responsibility.

I have been reading this book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". It is extremely good and has been a complete eye opener for both me and my husband though we have been married for 7 years. Give it a try. Good luck.


Thanks,
Kavya

Hi..
i can understand how u wld be feeling hard to handle the situations single handedly.... Have u ever asked him to help u out?? if so...how was he reacting..?? If he loves u so much,...he can not see u working hard...he wld atleast help u sometime or the other..!!
And now the best thing is to talk to him..share u r feelings...take some time for him by making ur kid sleep early...!!
hope this wld solve...!!
Wish u all the best..!!

dear Renu,

I have been through this phase too. As Kavya says you must first prioritise and make all your household chores as simple as possible. Once the baby starts moving around it'll help you a lot. You will also need time to spend with your child then.

As for your husband not helping you, first you must delegate some work to him and then trust him. He cannot do things the way you do... after all he is not you:) If you don't then ofcourse he'll not like to help you. He would think rather let you do everything and avoid any fights. If he is a reluctant non-helper, don't fold his clothes, for example. Just let them be like that. You don't take any initiative to clear the mess. Tell him clearly that you are struggling with a small baby and you need his help. Most times, esp housewives, cannot say 'no' and so end up doing too many things and getting stressed.

And don't worry you'll learn with the phase.

Latha

hi renu,

Talk with your husband ....sometimes he may be the unware of the fact that managing a baby and home together is difficult. Tell him to do atleast one work - daily cut vegetables. manage your time ......cook and clean together while the baby sleeps. don't wait in the kitchen till food on the burner is cooked....in between you can do other jobs also. finish everything before the baby gets up in the morning. I used to run all around the house for 2 hours and gets everything finished together. 1 more hour for bathing the baby and yourself. In 3 hours finish everything at a stretch and then take rest than doing some cooking now and some cleaning later. If your husband is not interested in cooking and cleaning tell him to take care of the baby for sometime so that you can finish your work fast.

Hi Renu,
This is a nice question n I have learnt many things from this thread. I also am in the same situation. My husband also has the same habits as yours. When I ask him to cut vegetables, he would say "just put them in the blender n mash them!", when i ask him to bring a spoon for baby, he would bring one without washing, when i ask him to clean the table, he'd say "just leave it as it is", when i ask him to dump the garbage, he'd say, "tomorrow!", when i ask him to do the laundry, he'd say "let it accumulate till next week". Really annoying, isnt it? I've lost my patience constantly telling my husband to do things. Waste of energy, we can do them ourselves n save the time arguing! BUT, there r a lot of ways you can minimise your work; youcan change the way you are doing your work.

1. First, speak to your husband and let him know that you are struggling alone. I dont know how you can speak convincingly. Guys think this is all housewives' work, we're alone at home the whole day while they slog at work, so y to help us out, n so on. But if you are finding it difficult, keep repeating it to him, no matter what he feels.
2. Tell your husband to change his habits if possible. I always tell mine to get up early and go to bed early, bcos that is the habit that is good for our kid too.
3. Ask him to wake up early and look after the kid in the morning, when you cook lunch and food for the baby too. Finish off cooking by the time he leaves.
4. Do jobs like cutting vegetables for the next day, cleaning the house, etc. while the kid is sleeping (after u urself take rest).
5. Ensure your kid sleeps well. If he doesnt, try to achieve that, otherwise it'll be very difficult for you.
6. As someone said, dont fold his clothes or dry his laundry.
(My hubby lets them be just there! Or, he wears the same clothes for too many days just to minimise his work!)
7. If your husband is the forgetting type, ask him to combine some house work with his usual work. For example, he can brush baby's teeth when he brushes his teeth, he can arrange baby's toys before he goes to bed, etc.
8. Give your husband extra attention. Pamper him and praise his ways of looking after your son. He'll be flattered and would chip in with some work.
9. Ask him what new thing you can feed your son; ask him to find some recipe and try it make it n feed it to your child himself. Tell him it's a very rewarding experience.
10. Tell him that he'll get close to you kid only when he spends time with him, feeds him, puts him to sleep, etc.
11. Ask him to spend time helping you in the weekends.
12. If possible, ask him to work from home on some days.

Sometimes, we feel we can do the household work quickly n easily when compared to looking after an overactive kid! So, try to leave the kid to him when he's at home and do the majority of the work then.

Good luck Renu!
Sandhya