problem

Hi,

Don't know my problem is a big issue or a small issue. Don't know how to handle it as well. Need some advise.
I got married at the age of 19. I was a brilliant student throughout my carrier. My husband works in UK. It was a arrange marriage. He belonged to a big poor family (not poor now). He got 5 sisters and 1 brother. He is the youngest one in his family and NRI as well. So after getting his job he did lot for his family like 3 sisters marriage, house for family, furniture and so on which is a lot. He had totally spent 10years of his earnings on his family. Then he got married. He was same after marriage as well. But after lots of tough discussions he started to think about our own family after few months. He started to save for us and bought few properties as well. But didn’t stop to give his family. He is still supporting his brother totally and to his sisters up to some extent. But he always blames me that because of me he cannot do his duty properly and says me very heard words.
Let’s talk about his family. They are really third grade people who are only using my hubby for his money. They tell me bad words behind my hubby. In the beginning of my marriage I told one or two issues to my hubby but surprisingly he was pretending his family and started blaming me and my family. Then after that I stopped telling anything against his family because I knew that he will blame me. Now I am the mother of 4 yrs old boy. His family members say lots of lie against my parents for which my hubby started hating my family as well. Even they people steal my stuff, money when I was in India. But my husband is unaware of those things. Even I don’t want to tell him as well. But after bearing these types of things for a long time I realise that now I started hating him. I love to hate him. I don’t have respect for him. So I stopped talking to him a lot. I am only concentrating on my work and my son. So he realised this then he asked me why I have changed. Then I told him one thing against his family but same thing happened. He was taking his family side. He told me that whatever they do he doesn’t mind but you have to be good and polite always in front of them so that all will say you good. I have problems like this which I don’t think is essential to explain.
I know you all will say that don’t bother it, try to concentrate on your carrier, on your son. But it’s not that much easy to ignore because these types of problems are coming most of the time in my life. These are ongoing problems which are going to stay with me till my death.

Hi, Rina

If you have gone through all the posts here, its the same story repeated over and over in each of the ILite's life. My dear friend you are not sailing alone. We all are victims of the same problem.
I truly feel sorry for you. Believe me, you cannot bring any changes as far as money matter is concerned.
Mine is a love marriage and after a courtship of 4 years, we got married with a great difficulty. I know my hubby since college days and it was then when he used to run penny less almost every month. His parents never used to send him anything more than Rs.1500 apart from the college tution fee . Out of this Rs.1500, he had to bear the hostel/mess fee and his personal expenses etc....During those time, I was his support both financially and emotionally. There was a time when I was earning more than my hubby as I am into IT ,and its a well known fact that the salary structure of this sector is higher than any other sector. During those days he was happy to be with me and used to buy my words. But as soon as he started earning more than me and we got married, everything became topsy turvy. Since the past 3-4 years, my hubby has lend something close to Rs.10 Lakhs in cash(every month he xfers from his account after receiving the sal),Rs.5-6Lakhs worth of gifts to my in-laws, beared the cost of full MBA education of his younger sister, beared the cost of jewellery of my SIL who got married this year, bought my in-laws a flat of more than Rs.20Lakhs on a loan and still sending money every month to their respective accounts..... ...

The financial condition of my in-laws is not that bad and they are all well settled, however their craving for money does not end and it will be there forever. My FIL even tells me not to save anything for ourselves. Instead send all the money to them whatever we earn every month and they will take care of that.

The reason why I wrote all these coz I begged, requested, fought and did what not to make my hubby realize the fact that we too have a life and future and we need to save something for ourselves. But alas!!! who listens/cares??? I am fed up now and I gave up on this as any amount of discussion only leads to disagreement and tremedous fights. So, I stopped but have made a strict rule that he needs to give me 60% of his salary out of which I would save 50% for ourself and spend the rest on our monthly expenses. And I dont allow him to touch my salary completely. It goes completely as savings.

May be you can try this and see if this helps. You might not be able to make huge money but atleast save something as its better to have something than nothing.

Hi Rina,
Yes, it is a common problem. I feel we must try our best to keep ourselves happy. As you are in the UK (& I guess your in-laws arent there with you), I think you have an advantage. You can spend your time peacefully without their continued pestering. Try to speak to your husband about this and come up with some sort of savings plan. You can ask your husband or his ppl to invest in your child's name (like LIC) in India, if possible. Try to be as sparing with money as possible and let your hubby know your efforts.
The attitude your husband expects of you towards his parents is pitiable, but it's a common expectation. Be patient; try to keep them happy, without losing your own identity (This is the advice I got here).

Good luck!
Sandhya