Indifferent Husband.

Lots has happened since my last visit to IL. I have been blessed with a beautiful baby. Did have some health issues before and after the delivery. But those health issues aren't the ones that has driven me to IL again.

My In-laws are visiting. And as usual I get the 'you don't belong to this family, just cook and clean' treatment from my husband.That is so frustrating. I know and also have experienced Postpartum depression during my first delivery. I hAVE really bad lows. My in-laws don't cause problems directly. I know they are different and can cope with that. I have been observing how my hubby behaves around them and I have to admit that I am jealous of them. He comes from work and spends every minute talking to them till midnight. And once again early in the morning they start off. In contrast when he comes home from work during other times he is too tired and eats, watches tv and sits in front of the computer. Needless to say for the past few months he has been pretty distant from me. Inspite of being doing everything for the baby, my health issues and in-laws I try to maintain a calm exterior and keep a good realtionship with him. They are here for 6 more weeks and I feel like I am going to suffocate sometimes. Then suddenly I feel better and think I can handle the situation and feel a bit cheerful. This has to be hormones wreaking havoc with my emotions.

No there is no use talking to my husband. He is beyond that point when his parents are around.Believe me! I just wish that I didn't feel jealous. I wish I didn't care that he is paying such extra care and attention to his parents. I wish I didn't have to long for him to talk and comfort me. I know that I said that being happy is a full time job and we shouldn't rely on anyone else to make us happy. But I can't help the way I am feeling now. I am looking for distractions, some way to help me ease the situation - atleast till my ILs leave.

My baby does provide me with much needed relief. But sometimes that just isn't enough. Can't talk with friends as ILs are at home. I do all the work so not much time. My baby is crying even as I am writing this. Need help ILites. Suggestions and personal experiences will definitly help.

Dear Shanthi,

I can very well place myself at your level and understand your concerns.
When I got married, I felt very unusual attachment of my hubby with his mom but I accepted it whole heartedly coz I knew this can never change. Trying to change will take everything away form me. To be true, even I felt jealous because of such situations, my hubby used to spend more time with his mom and bro and even tough I was a new bride, I was received less attention from his end but I maintained my cool and patience. You won’t believe I maintained it for 2 long years cause my husband went to abroad after marriage and I was in India. Staying alone after marriage, taking care of his mom and bro made my hubby realize that I am a true family member. His mom had few concerns initially, the common possessiveness taken a toll on her who exists till now, but I somehow managed. I know you would like to know, HOW?

First of all, I always kept an open heart for his family members and never tried to think that she is his mom. Half the battle was over coz once you start treating your in laws as your own parents, sooner or later they will realize. Truth never fails; it might take long time to be sensed. The sole point is you should accept this point that your DH and his parents are so attached and their attached relationship will be one solid point of your life.
As you have said, taking to you DH is useless on this front. I accept this entirely, but trust me, show your kindness and patience and later take a moment when only you r there with him. Tell him, you have few things in your heart which you would like to share with your life partner, best friend i.e. your DH. He will definitely agree at that romantic and lone moment. Then you can slowly tell him that even though, you left your home, changed your lifestyle and managed the household just for his love sake. You expect few modifications which can change your married life for the better. Always make him believe that you are not against his family. I mean prove this by few incidents, so that your DH is compelled to trust your case that you love his mom also. Tell him, you have accepted his whole family but you feel dejected at times, when you don’t receive the required love from his love.

I hope, he will definitely understand. But remember, this is not a one night’s thing, it will take some time. Do such things so that everyone trusts you and gain his mom’s faith firstly for that.

Anshu

Time and Tide waits for none.

Hi Shanthi,

Congratulations on your new baby. I also went through postpartum depression due to marital and health issues. I took a course of anti depressants but it made me feel suicidal. The doc told me it is a possible side effect of anti depressants I took the Art of Living Course and regularly practiced the breathing exercise that they taught. It takes about 20 minutes per day. It blew away my postpartum depression in just a month.

I would suggest you take up a yoga or meditation course. I highly recommend the Art of Living program. When your in-laws try to take time off for yourself to do these courses. They really helped me to change my perspective to life. My husband is also into it and it has greatly helped us in solving many of our marital issues.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by Shanthi

Lots has happened since my last visit to IL. I have been blessed with a beautiful baby. Did have some health issues before and after the delivery. But those health issues aren't the ones that has driven me to IL again.

My In-laws are visiting. And as usual I get the 'you don't belong to this family, just cook and clean' treatment from my husband.That is so frustrating. I know and also have experienced Postpartum depression during my first delivery. I hAVE really bad lows. My in-laws don't cause problems directly. I know they are different and can cope with that. I have been observing how my hubby behaves around them and I have to admit that I am jealous of them. He comes from work and spends every minute talking to them till midnight. And once again early in the morning they start off. In contrast when he comes home from work during other times he is too tired and eats, watches tv and sits in front of the computer. Needless to say for the past few months he has been pretty distant from me. Inspite of being doing everything for the baby, my health issues and in-laws I try to maintain a calm exterior and keep a good realtionship with him. They are here for 6 more weeks and I feel like I am going to suffocate sometimes. Then suddenly I feel better and think I can handle the situation and feel a bit cheerful. This has to be hormones wreaking havoc with my emotions.

No there is no use talking to my husband. He is beyond that point when his parents are around.Believe me! I just wish that I didn't feel jealous. I wish I didn't care that he is paying such extra care and attention to his parents. I wish I didn't have to long for him to talk and comfort me. I know that I said that being happy is a full time job and we shouldn't rely on anyone else to make us happy. But I can't help the way I am feeling now. I am looking for distractions, some way to help me ease the situation - atleast till my ILs leave.

My baby does provide me with much needed relief. But sometimes that just isn't enough. Can't talk with friends as ILs are at home. I do all the work so not much time. My baby is crying even as I am writing this. Need help ILites. Suggestions and personal experiences will definitly help.

Shanthi,

Its quite disturbing to read your cry for help. I wish there was an easy solution. But Indian marriage and its complexity can really baffle any strong person. Leave apart a tough pregnancy and indifferent partner.

I would suggest something which may give you bit of rejuvenation.

- Since your husband comes in evening and chats with them incessantly. Why not just take this chance to have a walk by yourself alone? Dont pester him to join you. Just once in a while mention, how refreshing it was to be in park and watch other people.

- Plan to send your in-laws for a nice bollywood movie in theatre, if you have one around. Or just ask your husband to let them enjoy sometime off without kids and any responsibility. You could think of creative ideas like dropping them off to a frend's place whose in-laws are there too or takign them to museum. The whole point is try to steal sometime just with your husband at home.

- Dont over-provide convenience to people. Pretend to be sick sometime and ask for all the help you have around.

- Instead of fuming over his over-indulgence with his parents, try to get each weekend planned for soem kind of outing. That way it will take this pressure of being in house and just being facilitator.

- Dont nag or ask any attention from husband. Rather if you can be close to ILs. Try to take the control of planning everyone' s evening and weekend plans, rather they handing it out to you. That way you dont get left out and you actually break this over indulgence of son and parents.

Hope this helps a bit.

Ria

Hey Shanthi,

This is Priya and we do exchange PM few times. was wondering what happened to you for a while...

First of all Congrats on your new baby.

I feel really sad about your situtaion. All I can say is things which cannot be curd have to be endured...

Well, the only suggestion I would give to you, given your circumstances, just IGNORE your hubby, by doing so, you probably will get inner peace. If you keep longing to get close to him, you will only be disappointed. You can't change the nature of men. I am in a way disturbed by my hubby's change in attitude recently. But there is nothing I can do. I tried to explain how it bothers me, but didn't have any effect.

I am a very spiritual person by nature and my spirituality helps to deal with issues in life thro' philosophical outlook. As GITA says whatever has to happen will happen no matter what. May be, my only answer to many of life's problems, is DESTINY.

Just take life as it is with no jealous, no longing, no expectation about anything and lead life like a karma yogi..do your job and be as detached as possible.

Hopelife gets better for you and my prayers for you,
GPriya.

hey shanthi,

we are sailing on same boat......even i am in your position right now.....my inlaws are here with us.....and as i feel alone in this home.....me and my husband both are working ....and we dont get much time to talk during these times....my husband is always with their parents....like always every minute....i feel like i am left alone....as ria said i plan something to be with him for some times alone but it always ends up with them.....

Dear Shanthi,

Sorry to know about your situation.
I agree with the advices you got here so far.
But I want to ask you why you could not talk to your friends when inlaws are there ? Is it asking for something too big ? You are not doing anything wrong by conversing with them. you can very well do so when your hubby is engrossed talking to inlaws. Talking to a friend will make you feel connected and cheer you up. Why deprive yourself ?

Regards.