Hello

I have been following the forums on this site for quite sometime, and it's nice to see the thoughts and ideas pouring in to solve someone's problem. And I finally felt confident to pour in my concerns, hoping to get some good advice from the senior members of this forum. So here goes...

I have been married for 2 years and a month now, and mine was a love marriage. Apart from the initial shock over having chosen our spouses ourselves, our parents did not have a problem with our getting married, because we both belong to the same community, and everything was as normal as an arranged marriage!
I came to the US on an H4 Visa soon after I got married, and after the initial honeymoon period, things soon started going sour. Not because of my husband or anything, but being used to a busy and an independent life back in India, I felt bored and smothered, not to mention extremely home-sick. I had been staying in another city, away from my parents before my marriage, and moved to the US just a week after marriage. So I was missing them terribly. We used to get into little arguments, as any normal couple would, and make up, again as any normal couple would. Later that year, we decided to buy a house, and started the process, which kept us a little busy. One year passed in the meantime, and I also started studying to pursue a Masters degree. And wonder of wonders, I also got my EAD and started looking for jobs. My husband also taught me to drive in the meantime, and I started feeling slightly better about myself. After about 3 months after we moved into the new house, my sister in law came to visit us, and then a month later my parents in law also came. Apart from some occassional misunderstandings (totally my fault) things seemed okay to me. Now to my problems...

1) Arguments between my husband and me have increased, and every time we have an argument, my husband never fails to mention that I should be grateful to him that he has done a lot for me. I have never denied that he has done a lot for me, including paying the fees for my MS. But I really feel bad when he mentions each time that I should feel some gratitude, because I have always thought it is a normal thing any husband would do for a wife. Just as I don't expect gratitude for every time I cook or clean for him. After all, I feel whatever I will earn after the MS is for us. I don't understand why he keeps saying that, and I am scared that he feels I should be indebted to him for all that he has done for me. I feel that is not very good for a marriage if he keeps thinking that he has done me a favor. I don't deny that I also say hurtful things sometimes, but the moment he brings up the subject of gratitude, I am at a loss for words, and I don't know what else to say.

2) There are times when we go out, and I am not allowed to spend $3-$4 the way I want. Agreed, sometimes the $3 I want to spend is really unnecessary, but I feel $3 is not really a big amount, if someone derives some kind of satisfaction from spending that money. I feel you can't really place a price on that satisfaction. Recently an episode like that occurred, and I walked out of the shop not buying what I wanted to buy after my husband told me. But I felt bad and irritated that he was making such a big deal for $3. Agreed we have expenses, and last few months, our expenditure has been pretty high. But thankfully we are not in a condition that we need to save every penny that comes our way. After coming home, I told my husband that, and asked him in pretty strong words why he is behaving like that. I was shocked when he answered me saying that it was his money that he was spending, because he was using his credit card to pay, and that if I wanted it so badly, I should have paid for it myself. And then the argument was just about what all I spoke hurtfully, and how much I torture him with words. He conveniently forgot that I might have been equally hurt about what he said. I had always been thinking that what I earn is his and vice versa. He accused me of not offering my money for the house, and I did n't understand how it matters whether we spend out of his account or mine, 'coz ultimately what's left of both our accounts is ours. Again, I was never able to explain this effectively to him, as only my utterances were highlighted. I used to think earlier that I am really a bad person for speaking all this and hurting my husband, but off-late think my husband uses this as a strategy to make me feel guilty and bad about myself.

3) When my parents-in-law were here, I behaved badly in a few instances, and I have also apologized for that kind of behavior to my husband numerous times. But he keeps harping on it at every opportunity he gets. Earlier, during the wedding somethings happened that were not too pleasant for my family. Though thankfully everything was sorted out later, and everyone has been amicable with each other, I can not forget those incidents, as I felt extremely lowly and had never seen my father cry before that incident. That has affected me a lot, and that was one of the reasons that I sometimes feel a surge of anger. I sometimes mention that, but I am told to shut up and not talk about it, by my husband and my parents. I feel that is justified, coz everything has been pretty normal after that. But the rules are different for my husband. He will keep mentioning that incident that I behaved badly with my in laws when they were here, and that he is terribly hurt by that behavior. He never understands that I have bad memories too, and just as he is hurt by my behavior towards his parents, I am hurt too by his family's behavior towards my parents. I am not justifying my behavior, but all I am saying is should the rules not be same for both of us? If I am expected to forget all the unpleasantness, and be happy, should he not be like that too? I never got any appreciation for the time I was in India, and helped my in-laws with anything they needed. I took his sister where ever she wanted to go. All that is conveniently forgotten, while I am expected to be very grateful because my husband was very cordial and nice to my sister when she visited me a year ago for a week, and to my parents when they visited me a year and a half ago, again for a week. Why these double standards?

After being here for a year totally dependent on my husband, I feel I have lost the ability to think and act independently. I feel my husband cannot get over the fact that I am earning too, though what I earn is peanuts compared to him, and I really can't do anything on my own with what I earn. I have been brought up to think independently, and have always been taught that a marriage is a 50-50 partnership between the husband and wife. I have seen my parents live like that. I feel my husband is scared of losing control as "man of the house" if he respects and acknowledges the way I have been brought up. I sometimes feel I should just let it go, and be the way he wants me to be, the submissive conventional way. But I can't, as I have been brought up differently. Even if we do reach a solution to our arguments, we actually make up only if my husband feels like it. If I try to make it up from my side, and try going and talking to him, he makes up if he feels like it, and just shoos me away if he doesn't feel like it. Ultimately it is me who is left crying all night and day resulting in my sinuses kicking in and having to pop pills each time for the headache I get my crying. I sometimes feel I should tell my mom or my sister about all this, but I do not want to upset them or make them think badly of my husband. Funnily, my parents and in-laws get along very well with each other, and I don't want to end up doing anything that would upset either of them.

In spite of all this, I feel and know I have a good husband, and feel really happy when he talk with my family, my parents, sister, cousins et al without any inhibitions, and will always be grateful for what he has done. Just that I don't want him rubbing it in every time and make me feel like he has done me a huge favor by marrying me and doing all this for me. My parents and my family members have a very good impression about him, and my parents are very happy about both my sister and me being married to good people and into good families.

I don't even know if these qualify as "problems" when I read about somethings others are going through. But I just needed to tell someone who would listen, without pointing out my own mistakes, and putting me down.

Peartree

I may not the right person to give u correct solutions or answers..just hang on...

while reading ur post i was having this thoughts so with out delay iam putting them down...

first of all there r no rules for wife and husband. U just stop thinking in that manner n try to ignore some past issues, I know u r hurt seeing ur Dad crying but right now they r very happy with ur Inlaws, then why r u ruining ur marriage with that issue , iam sure if u tell this to family they will also tell u to leave past issues n start having good time...

Girl, in marriage wife needs to be more patient for 1 or 2 yrs, then with ur love u can change ur husband..u r saying that u messed up in some situations when ur inlwas were here...solution is talk to them in very lovingly when ever they call u or u only start calling them frequently, as u said they r good to u and to ur family they will start telling nice things about u to ur husband, "HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE TRAINED TO BE GOOD HUSBANDS" so it will take as much time as u earn ur degree.


when ever he is arguing just be calm and do ur work to keep peace at home...don't ever argue iam equal in everything and all bec it hurts their ego. I think one sided argument will compress as time goes..he will realize that u r not reacting to his words n he might stop...

i know $3 is not so much money but $3 is doing more damage to ur marriage so see how costly is it...as u said its not so imp thing to buy, then for $3 why u r starting a fight . simple solution when ever u think u r angry on ur husband just go to ur room and shout loudly it will feel better n u can give lots of scoldings to ur husband in ur mind . I used to do that, girl it works. After couple of hours u will be normal n u will forget about ur $3 thing.

All the best

Skavi

Hi Dear,

YOu should welcome all the comments here with an open mind and a positive approach. As it will be on the basis of what one interprets. So even if some comments mightbe against you, don't shut your mind instead introspect and see if they are valid.

It is good to know that both the parents are getting along fine half your battle is won. Otherwise the major problem with others is the differences between parents and indifferent behaviour of husbands to her parents.

I will not mention what is right and wrong...but few things i feel you should ponder:

- differences during your wedding which was resolved later and both parents getting along fine...now you don't carry that grudge with you for life long as it is not going to do you any good. Forget the past and live the present and build a healthy future.
- Great to know that you have got your EAD, now you can work too. So this is a plus point for you against so many others here in this forum. I would say that keep your earnings in your account. Even if you have a joint account utilise that account for the expenses that are incurred for the house, but save some amount in your account for a rainy day. (atleast 50% of your earnings).
- In my personal opinion stop over communication for some time. i.e talk as much as you have to, avoid unnecessary arguements and fights. If you see an arguement brewing up go have a glass of water by the time you return you will be composed.
- Bury the past and start afresh.
- i completely agree that a husband duty is to take care of his wife...so he does not have to brag about what he has done for you.
- don't think that you have lost the ability to think and act independently. Pep up your self confidence and move ahead.

I strongly feel that for some days just act normal do your duty don't miss anywhere there and keep yourself busy with work or other things like IL and try to cut down on arguments. Don't be too dependent on your husband or give him a chance to say anything more that hurts you.

And i always say develop some sense of humour so when you have to give some befitting reply, a touch of humour puts across what you have to say and still not sound gross.

All the best.

while i was writing my comments...kavi posted hers and i missed out on her post.

I agree with what she has to say. Stay calm and move away from there when your husband is in an argument mood.

Also, forget the $3 incident. Think that after all it was not necessary. You can't afford to have bad health thinking of such trivial things. Health is more important.

You yourself agree that your husband is a good person...so now jot down the positive things about him and work over it.

skavi and roopa

I had a question...what do you think if the husband takes the silence and patience of a wife as granted that she is at fault and he keeps on pointing out her faults...how to handle such situations?..no matter whether you talk to him openly or whether you keep silence there is always a point for the husband to pick on the wife (incase if he wants to or if he is upset about something else)...so what do you suggest at that time?? because everytime someone raises points like pear tree has raised..we suggest and ask them to keep silence...but how far will it help??? i know silence is always gold..but what if the situation turns around instead of improving if it is worsens day by day??

i really appreciate pear tree the way she is accepting that yes i have made my mistakes too...however i feel the whole situation and fight and arguements starts when someone wants to control the other....or afraid of loosing that control...

Hi saahithya.

I like ur replies, but I think u missed some points from her thread...

what u r saying is also right, but it won't be applicable when girl wants her marriage to
work..and more over this all might started after she behaved badly with her inlaws, as she has bad memories like her dad crying, he will also have that in his mind...men's ego won't die that fast...

she is married only two yrs ago and they were very happy...so easy solution is to be calm and no arguments for couple of days..this will create a peaceful atmosphere and they might sit and communicate well..

we have to use each and every solution to make marriages work. this is my thinking...

Skavi

SKavi

I understand what you are saying..about making the marriage work..but silence is always not the best possible solution...yes we have to be patient enough and ensure that we dont prolong the arguements or fights...however there should be at some point both wife and husband come to a common understanding and realise what hurts each other and dont repeat teh same over and over again...if wife keeps on being silent and takes things on to her like a sponge absorbing everything..after few months or years she might become hysterical or loose her own confidence...

i understand she made her own mistakes..she agreed and apologized for them..and now everyone is on talking terms..on the other hand the husband also made the same mistakes isnt it??? yes if the husband is angry the wife can have patience..but for how long is my question....i am not trying to sound like a feminist...

but what i want to know is..every woman wants to keep her marriage and make it work..no one would like to ruin their marriage...and they would try the best possible ways to work out...

if the husband doesnt leave any chance and keeps on picking at the wife at the every opportunity he gets....will silence and patience work in such situations is my question....just my thoughts...if there are better solutions? or if realy this silence and patience works..please do put your experiences here so that everyone can know...

Dear

This is a forum, people will write what they think is right from there point of view.

please if any one want to give suggestion please go head n put ur point.

some ladies coming here n just contradicting others replies, again if u want to give any suggestion directly give them.

Don't confuse the person who posted the thread. let her read for herself n decide what is best for her.


Skavi

sorry i didnt mean to offend anyone here...all I was thinking and reading was for any question posted i see a one stereotypic answer..please be patient...:) so just got a question and had put my thoughts...

First of all, a big thank you to everyone for patiently reading my post! Only after I posted did I realize that it was huge, and was wondering if anyone would have the patience to read the whole thing So..thank you again

skavi and roopa... I think the pep talk you guys gave me was just what I needed. I feel so much better now. I realized that the arguement that prompted this post was all a spur of moment anger, that resulted in a heated exchange of words, that could have either been avoided by him or me. Well.... I guess I can't expect someone else to change without practicing the change myself. I realized that when I read your replies.

Saathiya... a special thanks for supporting me But I know I would n't face such a problem with my husband, because he is not a bad guy or an abusive guy. I think patience or silence would work, as most of these arguments are a result of momentary rage, where the only intention you have is to have the last word. I think that's what happened with us.