Pls help

hello everyone,
Just hope someone here helps me to take a right decision. Am quite depressed now..
I am not sure how to explain my problem. It has always been a rocky relationship all the while.
We got married 4 years ago(no kids) and from the day one he always thought he did me a favour by marrying me .
I am a software engineer by profession and I have worked in india and abroad.I joined my husband in US last Jan on H1B.He came to US 1 year before me and did not get me on H4 as he needs my money. He asked me to continue working in india till I get H1 .He is 7 years older than me and it was not revealed during our marriage. Sometimes I wonder can age gap cause misunderstandings as there is lot of difference in the way we think.
Just need some help to come to a conclusion if I have to head for divorce.
- He always wants things to be done his way. I should never argue and only obey him which is difiicult for me as I am quite
an independent person by nature.
- He will never spend a penny on me. Luckily, I earn and hence take care of my needs. Though I earn I have to take his permission to buy anything for myself.
- Never maintained any relationship with my parent's family.He won't let me visit my parents when I was in india.I have to fight for even such simple things.He says I have to visit them only once a year though we live in the same city and not whenever I feel like.
His sister lives with her hubby and kids at my inlaws place .All of them(my inlways + sis-in-law) depend on us financially.
- He doesn't let me learn driving in US. Whenever there is a fight he will not drop me at work on that day. I have to take a cab in such cases.
-He is more interested in my money as I have always earned more than him and am not sure if he is insecure about it as he tries to dominate me all the time.
-never helps and cares about the household work even when I am sick. Doesn't even offer me a glass of water or bother to take me to a doctor.
I take care of all my doctor appointments.
-Expects me to do everything from getting a glass of water, ironing his clothes and getting him a remote or laptop.He never moves out of the sofa at home.
Everything should reach him however tired I may be.
-I have infertility issues and I don't get any support from him.
I always tried my best to maintain this relationship as I thought this will subside and he will change. I can bear all the nonsense when I am helathy and not when I am sick or exhausted because of the work.
I always tried to talk with him but he is never open for any discussion. He is very secretive and never opens his mind to talk. He is the typical male Chauvinist who think a wife has no reason to express herself and should obey her husband.
I feel suffocated in this relationship. I have tried to adjust and compromise but I think I have reached the limit.
Please advise. I feel I can live alone rather than suffering in a unhealthy relationship. My parents and siblings are supportive and they will stand by me for
any decision I make.Please help.

Dear,
Could you have your parents talk to him or to his family regarding this issue. This would be a last resort before you make a final decision.

Have a talk with a psychiatrist if possible. They may help you to help yourself to reach a clearer decision.

Hi,

Well firstly I have to applaud you for being strong and open minded. Life is not all dead even if one thing doesnot work. So its good sign that you want to help yourself. There are bunch of Indian ladies who cry for help, but they really fail to help themselves. When faced with question to stay in or move out of marriage. You will see these weaklings sticking to their violent and abusive husbands. To top it all, they will still call him DH.. I find it rather demeaning that one can still call their tormentor as 'Dear'.

Coming back to your problem, Four years is long time for you to have seen enough traits of your husband. I dont know how much you have tried to mend it in past. But I would suggest trying mending more aggressively before you make final move out attempt. Even if he doesnot listen, still get yourself heard. To make the matters black and white, stop providing those "EXTRA" services of being obedient spouse. Companionship and togetherness is mutual term, it can never be one-sided. If it one-sided sooner or later thats bound to dry up.

When SIck , put your foot down. Serving others is not life is all about. Life is about respecting our own body and making sure people respect it too. Very often females have this tendency to keep doing things with nagging tone. I believe in completely not doing than nagging. If it s annoying you, chances are you need to attend the issue. Continuing to serve will not take anywhere.

His list of in-action can easily be balanced if you did withdraw your part too. If you continue to do your part without objections, then no one would bother to change themselves.

"He wont let you learn" -- I dont understand this part. Does he snatch the steering wheel? You are one financially independent woman. For 2 weeks take paid classes and go get your license. What is this deal with him not letting you. You share as much as money as he does.

I am sorry to know about infertility issue. But you need to teach this gentleman to have empathy. Else tell your doc to discuss the matter with him.

Have you really focussed on fixing the top problems you find in his behaviour? I feel you have gone with flow and now with due time, you are getting drained. We often undermine the value of setting things right from day one.

All the best
Ria

Hi ,

I liked the very user name u have " Let me live " Good.. Then why did you wait for 4 years ?? Its time you stopped going thru this rubbish and let urself live !! Yes , before that get things ur way and make this guy realise that he had no right to do all that he has been to u !! Learn to say NO , dear ! Men love it when the wife allows to be taken for granted !!! He needs to know what you went thru.. Not allowing u to visit ur parents when his sister lives with hers is real male chauvnism !! He has no right to say tht otherwise too !! SNUB him when he asks for remote and stupid stuff.. Atleast give your heart out and do all that caused bitterness to you till now .

WALK YOUR WAY OUT IN STYLE WITH NO HARD FEELINGS AND MAKE IT SOON !!!

Hello Preeti,

I am sorry if I am posting in wrong place, I am just wondering r u from HYD / Dilsukhnagar area, coz i know a girl she did her BDS(Dental course and recently married)

Originally Posted by Rashmilv

Hello Preeti,

I am sorry if I am posting in wrong place, I am just wondering r u from HYD / Dilsukhnagar area, coz i know a girl she did her BDS(Dental course and recently married)

Hi Rashmi ,

I am not from Hyd.. I am from Bangalore. However nice to know you .. :) and yes it was a wrong place for intro.. however I hope our fren wouldnt mind.

Thanks Ria , Preethi .
I understand that it was my mistake to not set things right from the beginning. I did try but he was pretty adamant not to change himself. I assumed he would change over a period of time if i expain him with love and patience. Now things are out of my control. I don't get any kind of support or help from his side. I take care of all my needs and his as well. He has stopped talking to me for the past 2-3 days for simple reason of not getting his comb when asked.He come home midnight and leaves early in the morning. Not even bothered as to how i will commute to work without a car. even if i try he is not ready for any discussion. I did tell him that i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and i need to discuss with him but he is least bothered.I am under medication for infertility. I don't understand what to do. I have tried to resolve issues sternly but the situation gets worse as he becomes more violent.am a strong and independent girl but just not able to come out of this marriage. There is not a single instance where he stood up for me. Coming to driving i did try to book classes but he started arguments and fights at home. To maintain peace i stopped going.That was my mistake. The more i give into his demands ,the more he is suppressing me.
I have to move out but not sure why i am not able to do it. I become so weak in front of him. I am just praying to give me strength to take a decision and move out of this.

Hello,
U definetly deserve a better life. This man seems to be so biased and cruel towards you. Is this is how his father treats his mother ? Is he following some pattern ? I am surprised that his sister lives with her parents along with her hubby and you two are supposed to fend for the entire lot, plus you are not allowed to meet your parents whereas the married sisters lives with her parents !!
Did you ask him directly why he dishes out such pathetic treatment towards you ? The more you give in to such men the more they feel like a foolish king and excercise more control on you. Dear, you were wrong when you stopped learning driving. In foreign country you are limiting yourself if you donot know driving. May be this man purposfully wants you to be dependent on him for commuting. Do not let him curb your wings.
This man is not worth living with. Great to hear that you parents and siblings will support you. Make your last efforts to save this marriage. Go for marriage counselling with him and also ask your parents to talk to his parents. May be his family is not even aware that he is so mean to you. This should come out in open to the families.
If nothing works then remember a really bad marriage should get ended soon. Life is a journey and one bad experience should not stop your progress.
Sorry for using this language but he doesnot treats you like a life partner, he treats you like a servant whom he doesnot have to pay. So why should he let go of you ? ... he is getting your money as well as free services.

It must be a difficult decision whether to break away from him or or to continue keep trying to reform him.
Do you love him ? Or are you with him just for the sake to continuing the marriage ?
I hope there is no physical abuse in this relationship ... ?

We have to adjust and accomodate in marriage but Please DONOT bend so much...you will break.

I pray that the Almighty gives you enough strength and guidance.

Warm Regards.

Originally Posted by Letmelive77

Thanks Ria , Preethi .
I understand that it was my mistake to not set things right from the beginning. I did try but he was pretty adamant not to change himself. I assumed he would change over a period of time if i expain him with love and patience. Now things are out of my control. I don't get any kind of support or help from his side. I take care of all my needs and his as well. He has stopped talking to me for the past 2-3 days for simple reason of not getting his comb when asked.He come home midnight and leaves early in the morning. Not even bothered as to how i will commute to work without a car. even if i try he is not ready for any discussion. I did tell him that i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and i need to discuss with him but he is least bothered.I am under medication for infertility. I don't understand what to do. I have tried to resolve issues sternly but the situation gets worse as he becomes more violent.am a strong and independent girl but just not able to come out of this marriage. There is not a single instance where he stood up for me. Coming to driving i did try to book classes but he started arguments and fights at home. To maintain peace i stopped going.That was my mistake. The more i give into his demands ,the more he is suppressing me.
I have to move out but not sure why i am not able to do it. I become so weak in front of him. I am just praying to give me strength to take a decision and move out of this.

Dear Fren ,

I disagree with this sentence of yours ' am a strong and independent girl but just not able to come out of this marriage ' .. If you were you would be a relieved person by now. Courage comes from within us when we feel we need to do something good for us or for that matter anyone in distress . When you not strong enuf to make a bold decision for urself its difficult to say you are a independent woman. Independance doesnt only mean financially.. It also means in ur thinking. You dont have to live with this insanity. You have to decide wether you want to live or leave this man ! Only then would whatever we say in this thread make sense. Else you still continue to be a door mat.. Do not do this to yourself dear ! He doesnt deserve any second with you ! Dont say you will pray for courage and look up to God. He will definitely not throw some for you now.. He has put some when you wer made ! He only gives you instances in life which will make you arrive at a decision. According to me he has already given you enough ! Do not give reasons to stay in the marriage ! Just give him a peice of your wits end and walk out !

Originally Posted by Letmelive77

hello everyone,
Please advise. I feel I can live alone rather than suffering in a unhealthy relationship. My parents and siblings are supportive and they will stand by me for
any decision I make.Please help.

I couldnt help but reply to your post. I was in a similar situation as you before. I had to undergo severe abuse for first 41/2 yrs of my marriage.I was scared to even talk to my husband during those times.I thought by being patient and loving ,he would change. Same way as you thought.Only he didnt change a bit. But at one point it became unbearable and I had to do something about it. It was at a point where he would abuse me just looking at my face or without me even talking to him.

At some point we do feel insulted about the treatment meted out to us in such marriages.We dont feel proud of ourselves for undergoing all this over a period of time.Why dont you try talking to him regarding how you are hurt.It might work or not work. Worth giving a try.If it doesnt work try telling your in laws.Maybe your in laws can talk to him. I did all this. In the end my in laws abused me back that I was provoking my husband.One thing I will say is please do tell your family about this. I did tell my parents all along and they weren't suprised when I took legal help.If all this doesnt work you can try to temporarily stay apart from your husband. I did when I took legal help and I cant believe my husband could change dramatically and become more giving in the marriage.Taking legal help did help both him and me a lot .
I am also from bangalore. Nice to see a Bangalorean.Which area are you from?