How many of you spy on u'r husband ??

Hi Ladies,

The topic that i wanted to start has been in my mind for so long now that i thought of sharing with all the ladies out here.

"How many of you ladies spy on your husband's (their emails,phone,bank accounts,etc)."

I used to dot his regularly during the first few months of our marriage.
But i knew that he was a good guy and he would not cheat on me.

My husband always used to see porn.
No matter how many times i told him about my concern he would not listen.
One day it so happened that i logged into my husband's account in our laptop to install some program as my account does not have adminstrator previliges. So when i opened his Browser i was surprised to see all escort sites. I panicked and then immediately opened his email and in his sent mail i found out a few numbers and also a room booked in a hotel through Hotels.com.
That day my husband left from work early saying that he had to pick up some friend from the airport.
By now you must be able to understand the kind of tension i must have been in.
So i finally got the numbers but i did not know whose they were.
I searched a lot for the number in all the directories but could not get a name for the number.
My husband who said that he had to pick up a friend later called me and said that the flights were not landing in the airport in our area and he had go to another city 2 hours from my place. The weather was really bad that day and even i believed him.
Meanwhile the tension i underwent i did not whom to share with and what to do.
I waited for him to come home and asked him "Do you know what you just did" seriously and he acted very casually.
So i kept quite because i still did not know whose number it was.
The next day i was still searching for the number and finally when i googled it, i found out it was a prostitues's number.
I asked my husband to open his bank account in a stern voice and there it was the booking rate etc.
He told me that it was for a friend for whom he booked the room and dropped him at the hotel and he had nothing to do with the prostitute at all.
Ladies tell me how would a women ever react to a situation like this ?
I anyway calmed down and forgave him because he apologised to me and said he had nothing to do with it.

So i want to ask you ladies whether it is ok to spy or not to spy at all and just let them do whatever they want to do and keep quiet.

Its definitely okay to do it. We dont get up one day and say lets spy on our husbands. It only comes after some doubts.I do keep a check on my husband's e-mails and bank a/c. It so happened that once or twice my husband told my in laws he was having tuff times in marriage and they silently encouraged him to ill treat me .In turn they instigated him to go ahead and start dating but still not separate from me to make me obey to him. My husband implied he was having tuff times in marriage becoz of job loss,immigration and few other set backs.Anyway he did it once and from then I do keep a check on everything. Now he has realized and wont think of doing it.Now I do keep a check on anything he tells my in laws or bank a/cs.Its always better to be safe than sorry.If we keep quiet its like encouraging husbands to step out.I do not spy but keep a check on his mails and bank a/c's.

Dear K, I wouldn’t call it ‘Spying’…that’s a big word. But women do that time to time out of insecurities or anything else. My husband was a real favorite among his American women colleagues (All ages and all status – married with children/married/dating and sexy & single!!). He was/is still good-looking, very good dresser and stylish. He was/is also very sensitive, caring and respectful towards women. His popularity made me uncomfortable during first few months of my marriage (This is in spite of my trendy University living and a million of my own guy friends – what a hypocrite! But I couldn’t help it; I was too much in love and adoration for my hubbs that I succumbed to my insecurities). I used to check his cell phone for few months– in coming and out going calls! But I didn’t need to check them anymore after a few months after I realized what kind of a person he was and the nature of his relation with the women at work.

That’s any ‘Spying’ that I did on my DH. I still sort of do something else in those terms –I read my SIL’s emails that she writes my DH once in a blue moon, out to know what is happening in the world of my in-laws. It is b’cos my DH wants me to go read them by myself rather than him telling each and every detail (usually we won’t know even those few little details in our phone calls). The phone calls are really bland ..dull…customary and for me ..sorry to say ..but they are very irritating (Not because they say something, it is because they doesn’t ask or doesn’t say anything!!)

Hi Kodavati,

Once we start suspecting our spouses of infidelity, the suspicion will eat through the marriage. It is best to put these thoughts to rest in the earliest stage of marriage. You should always do your best to conduct yourself in a way that does not cause your spouse to be suspicious of you. Likewise it is wise to give your spouse sufficient space. We must make them feel confident that we have trust and faith in them.

During the initial stages of marriage I felt a jealous about his closeness with a female friend. She was like his rakhi sister. I admitted to him that I was just being immaturely jealous and changed my attitude. My husband has given me a lost of space and freedom in our relationship. I had a lot of guy friends when I was in university and I would go out for them for lunch/dinner. Once my close male friend had a problem with his girl friend and he wanted me to help him sort his issues. My friend was not comfortable discussing it in my home because my husband is not very close to him. My husband let me spend a whole Saturday with him just to help him sort out his issues.

My husband has always had a lot of trust in me. And I always respected his trust and made sure I never take advantage of the freedom he is giving to me. He used to read my emails and my responses and I never minded it because I had nothing to hide. I am careful about my relationships with the opposite sex and sometimes if somebody says or emails something inappropriate I usually discuss it with my husband. I openly show him any inappropriate email. I just like him to know about it so he does not doubt me at anytime. If I feel my husband does not like me going out for lunch frequently with some male friend, I avoid it. He never openly tells me anything but I usually make it out by his comments.

Unfortunately due to some past issues I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws. Both me and my husband talk to our respective parents when we are alone. We are afraid to talk to our parents when we are together. I feel bad about this because after all we are talking to our parents and not our secret lovers. Earlier I used to "spy" on my husband because I felt insecure about his relationship with his parents. Nowadays I don't care that much. If he truly loves me he will stand up for what he thinks I am worth. So just trust your husband and the relationship will blossom naturally.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Hi,
No matter what ..Spying is wrong .. Once you start doing it there is no end to it.
I remember once looking into my hubbys mail when his mail box was left open, this was just out of curiosity. There were some mails exchanged by him with a female friend which according to me was not appropriate. Believe me I read so much meaning in to every word and letter written there, I destroyed my own peace. I started looking into all old mails .. cell phone bills .. trying to track where he goes and what not !!!
I behaved like a crazy person !!
Finally there was nothing to the whole thing .... Just that I read everything in the wrong sense ...
From then on I have sweared never to look into anybodys mails or calls ...

Finally what matters to me is a husband who comes home happy and gives enough time to me and my kid after work .. how much can I track what happens throught the day .. can I track where he goes .. with whom he goes and all that in such a big city .. Not really !!!
So the best is to trust and say "Ignorance is bliss" ans stay happy. Thats true in my case

Hi,

I think u should go by the gut feeling. Some sense it when their husband is going out of track, and go ahead to find if everything is ok. Trying to find whats wrong at an initial stage is better than letting it go and regretting later.
Keeping a check on him is always good but it should not be up to the extent of taking away his peace and yours too.

Geet

I prefer to rather ask my husband directly if i have any doubts about him...Spying will make the relationship much worse....think what if he does the same with us??? how would we react...???? I understand if it turns out that he is doing some thing wrong...then will you be ready to say I was spying on you thats how I found out???...what if it was just our doubt and there is nothing....we ourselves would feel bad and loose our own self respect....few of my friends used to complain that their husbands keep track of their wives cell phone records or the internet history etc...it used to make my friends feel so bad ...though it sounds like a simple thing from outside...but its really horrible to spy...or track such things..just my thoughts...

Hi,

I found condoms in his laptop bag when he was not using condoms in our conjugal life. And in the evenings when he used to return home, I found the condoms missing from his bag and next day he used to keep new ones. I also found him showing undue interest in one girl.

In the initial years he was addictated to hard core porn. Somehow thru spiritual counselling I weaned him away from seeing or watching hard core porn movies. He was also immensely attracted towards one of our common friends' wife. Everyone advised me that old habits die hard. But I failed to listen to any of the advises so whatever he does I am just keeping silent.

Shakta

it is really nasty to see husband like that....did you openly ask him??? did you ever confront him?? dont know just my thought....might be you have take this situation and weigh the pros and cons and take things out in open...

just my thought and opinion again....

Hi IL's...
I some how feel spying is a big word to use...!!
Each and every relation gets bonded with a magical word called "belief"
So if that magical word prevails in everybody's life then there wont be any situations like the below one's.
What if the same word and things are done by our DH's on us for instance??
We put them under a Women Harrassment Case and do all that stuff rite!!! But they doesnt do anything of that sort...but just love us so much..that they will give a chance to us to rectify and Love them forever..!!
So IL's pls think of this before u suspect ur Beloved DH's...!!
Wish u all a very Happy Life...!!