Do you still love your husband as much as you used to?

Ladies

Last night I was thinking about marriage and husbands ...

I started to wonder if I still felt the same kind of love for my husband after all these years. We've been married for about 6 years now, ours was an arranged marriage. Yes, I had all the routine issues with inlaws, been through a lot, had a baby. And these days I find that I lost the attraction I had for my husband in the early years of marriage. Should I say just attraction? hmm ... Well its more than that. I no longer feel that 'being in love' feeling now. I do feel the affection for him sometimes but is this love? Well I don't know anymore? They say couples fall in and out of love ... so maybe this is the 'out of love' phase.

Did anyone here experience this? Please share your thoughts and experiences here. It would really help me know that there are more people who go through these phases of life.

Waiting for your responses.


CoolMommy

hi Coolmommy.......

I am also married for six and half years but i think still we have same feeling. I too have all type of problems with in laws. After that we have personal problems too. As you said sometimes you feel attraction, i think love is there. You have a baby and you must be busy with baby and other work, your husband too will be busy. I think both of you are not able to spend some good time together, you need to be with each other. I think once you love someone then love is always there unless you are hurt by that person badly. Get some time for yourself too. Don't get such negative thoughts. Once you start getting such negative thoughts it will increase more and more. Don't come to out of love phase. I hope you always be in love phase only.

Hi,

I think what you are going through is the 7 year hitch. Things appear to be not as good as it used to be or you that take the other person for granted.

From my personal experience, i did go through that phase, in the 6-7 years of marriage with kids. But now... I feel the love and affectiona and the reliability and what not... for each other has been strengthened and getting stronger by the day.

The hitch is as Padma said, you have a lot of work along with taking care of the baby, and if you work that is more of an added pressure. At the same time, for your husband, this is again a crucial time for his career growth.

So dont think about it too much. Have a positive frame of mind and you will see the love blossoming again.

Anu

Padma & Anu

Thank you so much for your replies and for the support. Yeah we both work and our little one goes to daycare. So life is very busy, we hardly have time for each other. Once I go home I have to give my complete attention to my toddler who has become super clingy these days. He wants only Mommy all the time if I'm around. As much as I enjoy my baby its so hard not getting to spend time with my husband. Thats leading to quarrels now and then for trivial things. I had no help from parents or inlaws after my baby was born so its just too much stress for both of us. Like you said, I hope it'll get better soon.

Thank you again dear ladies :)

CoolMommy

hi coolmommy,

First of all i wud say keep cool.This happens more-or-less in everyone's life....you are not the only one...

Even i wondered about this many a times and this is what i felt.
I feel over the years we mature, go strong and become somewhat "insensitive" which might make us feel/not to over react to small pleasures. I mean in the beginning of a marriage, even going out for a walk with your spouse would sound romantic, but over the years especially after a kid this many not be the same. Nevertheless, the emotions should go strong from within. I feel just because we dont have time to share common things any more it doesnt mean we are going out of love. After 6plus years of marriage, always holding hands and looking at the moon may not be possible but romance/love should be redefined by couples in their own convenient way.
Like other friends said, take some special time for your hubby and you will see the difference yourself.
All the best. Keep us posted.

Coolmommy,
everybody goes through this phase of life....with work and everything..this is the normal phase...during the initial years of marriage, our love towards husband is different than now...in my experience...it increases slowly without our knowledge...and we feel it even in small gestures....

In Tamil there is a saying which says that in the initial stages of marriage the affection will be there for 60 days...infatuation for 30 days..to which i think is for physical attraction only...

sriniketan

Hi Coolmommy ..your user name it self shows what kind of mode you are in. You are totally concentrating on just being a mommy! (Correct me if I am wrong). I don’t think and assume that everything that worked for me will work for you the same way, since every one of us is different.

I have a kid who will be three in two months and I have been married six years too. If you don’t think I am boasting – I will tell you that we are more in love now than any other time before. Why is that – below is my analysis.

When we were married, I was attracted to my DH and was trying to be what he loves a woman to be. Good dresser, neat habits etc. He was already very caring guy, helping in the chores etc and trying to be very accommodative and sensitive towards my feelings. He boosted my confidence every time when he appreciated me for what I was already. He loved my openness, my friends and my hobbies. He was proud of my education/career and told me that I showed him a totally different angle of life and relationships with others including his own family. He loved my family and how we are with each other. He told me that he had never been loved so much by anyone!! What else did I want!!

That’s the reason why it was shocking to me when we started fighting and arguing when the baby came (for a very short time - parents & in laws came and left already). This is in spite of him helping me a LOTTTTTT! There was a phase when my baby was around 18 months, we were under financial stress after we bought our new house – I slept with the baby upstairs silently with tears (this is after we had a big argument about careers or baby)- often almost for 2 –3 months! I was on the verge of taking the baby and leaving sometimes (I didn’t know where to, because all the numerous ‘close friends’ I have has their own families)! And he was on the couch in front of the TV/Laptop. I was seriously thinking that something ‘Vasthu problem’ or a demon was in the house that had made my beautiful married life so depressing!

Do you know what happened next? I stopped being just a mom! I started to network more with my friends, with the neighbors, taking my daughter and spending time at neighbors and their kids for couple of hours a day. I started working out, reading books and my writing again. I had my priorities other than taking care of the baby all the time. I would put some artwork or workbook in front of my kid and at the same time I was doing something that interested me. This way my DH had some lone time for himself. While I took care of my kid, he would fix dinner quickly. And later he sits with her in her room, while I watched my favorite TV. Once a while when he worked from home, I begin to take off from work to spend time with him and the baby would be at the day care. We grew more intimate.

Though he was/is always my prince charming, I forgot about that for a period. Now, like before - I am acknowledging him and proud of him for all that he is and all that he does. And he encourages me in everything to no end. It is like the earlier times again. I am proud of him and he lets me know that there is ‘no him without me’. Thank God for that!

Now for the first time ever after we got married, my DH is planning to take a job elsewhere (for a better career for both of us, better savings and better life for us here and for our parents back home). I would follow him once he settles down there and once I find a job. It is very taxing! The thought of being without him even for a day is hard (Can you believe me if I say that from the day we started living together, he had never been away from me for a day till now!). But like many many people – we have to let go of somethings for better. I am preparing myself to take care of the baby without him, while I prepare for interviews and work at my current job. If there were no love between us, it would have been tougher for all of us. It is because we grew stronger in our love and trust, I am ready to be alone with my kid and help him go through this change.

I cannot advise you anything, but all I can say is take good care of yourself, have fun in life, leave the kid for a little time and take care of your husband. Spend more time with him. Take off from work when you both can and see what happens. It will take some time, but it will surely happen. The magic of those day will begin to show up again……

Good Luck

There is a proverb in Tamil, I will try to translate it right as much as I can.

Your husband is your first kid. He needs attention, caring, pampering and what not too as he was been showered before the baby. With all the hormones pumped we might tend to get irritated and feel overwhelmed with work. But always remember hes doing his best and he expects that appreciation as well.

So,

Managing work, kid, household will all be taxing.. but never should your marital relationship take backseat in your life ;) if you know what I mean !!

Have fun and enjoy your life !!

Hi Coolmommy,

What you are asking is a very natural question. Love and marriage takes a lot of effort. In the pressures of day to day life, it is very natural that we start compromising on things. We get lazy in not taking that extra step to make our spouse feel special. A few years run by and then you wake up one day and ask yourself, "what the hell happened here?".

I don't think you are asking for solutions here. You are simply asking if others have felt that way. The answer to that question is a resounding YES from me. But then, with that realization you slowly start building back up.

hi coolmommy,
i totally understand what you are saying...even i have been through that, we are married for 5 yrs, been thru our share of inlaws problems, came out of it with our love for each other unscathed...after a baby now, most of my time and energy goes to taking care of her...

i would say the relationship betwn me and DH is definitely not the same as it used to be in the courtship days and the newly married days...we are much more comfortable with each other now..say no sweating in the palms, quickening of heart beat, drying of mouth, gazing into each others eyes, words failing to come out of mouth...but now the relationship is much more meaningful, more deep and strong...what we do to break the ice is to be humorous about it....we keep talking about the difference between those days and these days...and laugh our hearts out...for example: those days when he drives the car on a speed breaker he would say" sorry about that, are you okay?" nowa days he would say nothing and think "serves her right, she forgot to iron my shirt today and we are so late"....we acknowledge fully that the infatuation is gone but a strong affection has taken its place...

like nandhu says, we think of each other as the first kid...sometimes things get out of control especially the helplessness when no one is there to help us take care of baby...but both of us know deep in heart that this is a decision taken by us, to move abroad and have a baby fully realising that we might not get much help to raise the kid...so we dont let the frustration develop into major arguments or fights...whatever the fight may be, i never ever let him go out of the house with a conflict unresolved..i dont let him sleep with an incomplete argument..after all the time and energy i spend is on OUR BABY so technically this should boost our marriage and not create problems...

but things are definitely not the same as before...this is what we get married for right...to grow into old age in each others company...if being hopelessly romantic is the first priority then one should not get married and have children right....for me romance was like a sweet frothy chocolate milk shake...it is yummy, i enjoyed it..but it spoils at room temperature fast...married life is like french wine...it gets better and better even without refrigeration....

so the conclusion is : i still love my husband as much a i used to ...but in a very different way...