Help urgent

Please help, I got really upset when my husband called his home today evening. He spoke to his younger sister to whom he is particularly attached, and who has a cold behaviour towards me. Before he called I had tried to engage him in a conversation and wanted to tell him that I feel bored because he is always at work and on weekends when he is home he plays computer games when free. I wanted to know why he doesn't have anything to share with me. He really didn't understand what I was saying and instead looked bored with my questions, so I did not persist.
Then he called his home , his younger sister is visiting his Mom and so he spoke to her, I realized that he was very happy to talk to her and had quite anumber of things to tell her. He even told her he doesn't plan to apply for jobs in India right now, this is something I have been asking him and he always gave me a vague reply. I know a man can be very attached to his younger sister, but I was really hurt. We have been married for 1 year and 5 months now and right from beginning I found him confiding more in his sister than in me, even about affairs related to us.
I was very hurt but did not want to get in argument. After he finished talking on phone, we went for a walk, I was obviously not in good mood and he asked me why am I so quite, he got irritated and said he didn't want to go with me for walk. That hurt me and I said I'll go alone, so I walked back. We are in US and I never go around here alone at night but I was so hurt I just walked away and kept on crying , halfway the park he saw me and gave me the house keys. We didn't speak, and I came back home, It's 11 P.M and he has still not returned.
I do not know what to do, I am very confused and sad. I am trying my best not to get affected with my husband's indifference, but I feel I cannot. I am used to being loved and cared for in my family, and living alone here is getting difficult with a husband who doesn't think it important to even talk and show some care.
I know men are not talkers but in a healthy marriage atleast people should share their plans and thoughts about life together.
My husband makes me feel that I nag him all the time and he is not happy with me. Should I ask him clearly whether he really wants to live with me or not? I am feeling very sad and have a feeling that my marriage will not work. Even now I am here because I do not want to upset my parents. Please help me with some suggestions. I am not able to understand why we are having these troubles in our marriage.

Hi Deepsikha,

Relocation is difficult for women, as they leave everything behind to start a new life. For men, they already have a job to look forward to.

My suggestion is, first relax. Don't think of negative things like your marriage will not work. It will take him sometime to become attached to you as much as his family. He may be an introvert. Why don't you start all over again and approach him like a friend. See what things are he interested in, if in computer games then probably try playing together.

Give it time and take baby steps in improving the compatibility level. You can also get involved in some hobby or start taking some classes, this will keep you busy and probably he will also realize your importance.

All the best.

regards

Shiva

Don't take hasty decisions. Sisters try to take upper hand. Tell him to stop this. Make his sister know there are ways and means to behave in a family. If this doesn't work tell ur parents. Support from ur family is a boon. kanaka

Hey relax. His sister had been with him from the time she was born, right? It may take sometime for him to have that same feeling with you. I suggest that you call up your sil from time to time and have a friendly chat with her. Mention that her brother talks about her always and all that- genuinely and not in an artificial manner. Try to be friendly with her. Once he is sure that you love his people too, then he will confide in you. Do not say anything about her when you have an arguement or try to compare her with you. You will get a friendly person in due course. All the best!

Well I dont see anything urgent in your call for help. I find it very usual and trivial occurance in a household. It does show how immature is your relationship currently with husband. If you try to fight it out being on same plane , you will loose both ways.

Husband 's relation is not like a blood relation, where you will get affection, trust and love by default. It s not even like those overstuffy romantic movies or those frilly novels where a guy falls for gal and remains fallen forever. In real lives, its not so. You need to earn every inch of trust and affection. Nothing is free on a plate. Now if you ask me, why husband does n't feel such need and void. Well the again the culprit is woman's upbrinign there. We provide more than someone needs and it becomes suffocating. You say you hubby feels you are nagging. I also feel the same when I read your post.
You are probably nagging him.

You can never get a guy spend quality time with you and share his secrets by threatening him or by arguing with him. Never, these two thing will only further distance you two and add bitterness to the relation.

I dont think in your case problem lies in SIL's interference. It lies in your mishandling of the whole as well. You really did screw a good chance of building on companionship while you both went for walk. Instead for fuming over the past thrity minutes, you had a choice to enjoy and build on the present moment of togetherness. But No! you gave preference to building on bitterness , than on solving it.

In a harmonious marital relationship, you need to don various roles as the situations demands. You can not always expect be a buddy to your husband. Sometime, you will have to be his friend, mother, sister , wife and lots.. So develop a wisdom to pick the appropriate role as per the situation. Learn with every instance. First two years of marriage , you will face lots of teething issues. Each issue teaches a lot about each other. But most of us, refuse to build on that. We rather collect the bitterness and hold it in us for years to come. If only you could gather the observation, pragmatism and foresight in place, you can make most of these learning and adjusting phase.

I hope you get the cues.
Ria

hi deepshikha,

from my personal experience when we are sad we want them to ask what is wrong and fix it.but men gets angry in these situation and will mentally more detach from you
so now i ignore situations that upset me .
may be he is very close to his sister from childhood so he is open to her. remember you can never change that.

was he behaving like this to you from the begining of the marriage.?

have you tried anything for him to open up to you?
think about it
be happy .try to make your own group of friends. i also have my set of problems but i have stopped worriying and trying to find situations to be happy
good luck

manju

Hey Deepshika,

Cheer up Kid!! This is just the starting phase of your life.......you have years of togetherness ahead!!

Remember each person is different. Your husband has been confiding in his sister for his childhood days. He is also just getting to know you and to accept you. He is trying to change his bachelor days lifestyle when he could do whatever he pleased to do.
Try to do things on your own and tell him about it casually. If you read a book then tell him something from it while eating etc. Slowly he will respect you for what you are and be interested in your activities too.

Remember movies and books are very much different from real life. One has to work hard to build a relationship and work even harder to maintain it. Understanding , trust and love will follow automatically.

Chin up!!

Jayanthi

100% I agree with the sentiments voiced by others on this topic. My main points.

1. Your husband has had a relationship with his sister for his whole life, you just became part of his life less than 2 years ago. You cannot expect him to be as close to you as his sister just because you are married to him.

2. In order to develop a close relationship with your husband, you have to EARN his trust, love, affection and understanding by exhibiting these qualities in yourself first.
If you nag him, you will only succeed in driving him away from you. Make him feel special, welcomed into the home, shower him with positive vibes and affection and you will be reciprocated the same.

3. Remember, just as women play different roles such as wife, sister, daughter etc, men also have different roles - husband, brother, son. Just because they are good at being sons and brothers does not mean that they are not good husbands. Just like you share your love amongst all your relations, the same is for him. The husband role is the newest for him and it will take him some time to grow into that role.

4. Never, EVER create a situation where you blame your husband for caring more for his family than you. Support him in his love and affection towards his family and you will experience the same for yours. If it gets ingrained into his brain that you are jealous of his family or do not care about them, that will put a deep hole in your relationship with him. A mother's love cannot be equated with the love for wife, and the same for the sister. At the end of the day, it is the husband and wife who share a bed. You have to partner with him. Then only will you be happy.

Hello Deepshika,

I agree to what Ria says.

I don't know how long you have been married. Mine was an arranged marriage and in the initial stages I too felt 'bad n hurt' whenever my husband spoke more with his parents, sisters... but slowly I began to understand that he knows them more, from childhood, and his vibes with them isn't the same as with me. And it's the same vice-versa! It took couple of years for both of us to find out where we get along well and which are the problem-creating zones. A parent-child, sibling-sibling relationship is very different from husband-wife's one. We are both grown up adults and trying to live under the same roof.

I also realised that I don't talk the same things/same way with my husband that i do with my brother. And he never complains. Try to look beyond the sisterly affection and you too talk to your sil. Remember she'll also be feeling a bit different about you who has come to share her brother's life.

If you don't feel good when your husband and his sister are on the phone, stay away from the scene. You'll feel much better. After all he too needs time with his family...

Take care!
Latha

Thank you friends for your replies, I can see my situation a little clearly after reading all your replies.
It is not that I resent my husband talking to his family, in fact it's me who tells him to call home often. But none of his family members have ever been friendly towards me.
I am trying not to get much affected by my husband's indifference towards me, but its very difficult because I stay home alone all day, I do not have a driver's licsence yet so I cannot go anywhere. I cannot work because of my visa and cannot study or do any course because we are not well-settled and my husband earns 32k a year here in US, and we live in California which is very expensive.
I have been trying to look for ways to keep me occupied but I have nothing much to do except watch movies or cook or read some book once a while. There is nothing I can do in my situation and am hopelessly dependent on my husband for everything. And when he ignores me I feel very much hurt. I do not have any friends as we have moved twice from apartments and the friends i made in beginning were lost. I try my best to stay happy even in this situation but when I see that my husband doesn't even want to confide in me I feel as if I am just wasting my time here.
He is very attached to this younger sister who is two years older to me and has been married for 5 years. All of you have said that i should not talk about his sister to him, I agree but its very depressing to see that he prefers to talk to important affairs like his job and future plans to her and not to me. I don't understand this, we are the one who have to live together, if he can't share with me how are we going to.
I support him in everything he does, I wanted to take up voluntary job but since he is preparing for some exams I postponed my plans till he appears for those exams. I help him in his study and encourage him to look for jobs and not loose hope. I never demand anything unreasonable which I know we cannot afford, and I try to save every penny so that things run smoothly for us. I do not even make unnecessary calls to my parents and try to save even on phone bills. Do I not deserve some trust and confidence from him? Even after more than an year.
I try to talk to his sister too but she is never friendly to me, in fact she has often asked me to hand over the phone to her brother when I start talking. I can understand that they grew up together but if they did not want me to be a part of the family, why did he marry me. Is it only the girl who is responsible to make the marriage work? Does the husband owes no responsibility towards the relationship?
I have understood from all the replies above that I should try to give our relationship more time, but it is really difficult for me, I do not have a single soul to talk to. And when my husband too ignores my presence I feel I am absolutely alone in whole world.
My parents are all ready upset as my MIL made comments about me last time I was in India, I cannot even call them and tell them what an awfully lonely life I am living. Everyone here said that I should try to gain his trust, I have left my family and a way of life behind me to join him, is this not enough to convince a man that I love him and want to make a successful life with him.
I feel scared that someday I'll loose all patience and would like to go back home. I do not know what to do so that my mind is off these thoughts and I stay away from being too sensitive. I do not mind even his indifference as long as I have something to engage myself with, but I have nothing to do here and feel extremely lonely.